Keep repeating your last line it says it all

Don't do it! Whom you have not heard from are people who did write that letter,and regret it. All is does is in some twisted way, help justify why he left, you look the "kook" is how my friend once called it, and you are not. He can say, see, who would do this, write the other woman and act like nut! Or worse, it feeds some ego of his, look how fabulous I am, you want him back.

Here is the deal, she doesn't care about the hurt and turmoil your are struggling with. Maybe he did tell her it was over.. it doesn't matter what she thinks, or what they are doing or what he thinks. They don't care.

If you really want to say something, write it out, write it out in Word, not in an email formal. Pretend you are writing to her, and then put it aside or delete it ! Use a word processing program,hat way there is no chance of sending it.. well you could but it will take a bit more effort. Picture her and him reading it and I know this hurts, but visualize them laughing over reading it.. That will stop you from sending it. You have a right to blame, but blame him and you can point figures.. but don't write the other woman. You can only control you and your actions.. don't make sending a letter to her one of them. HUGS

Sorry for the typos.. no more typing late and fast at night. That would be a email format, and but blame him and you can point fingers.. !

Either way do not send her or him anything.. believe some of us here, it may not seem like it, but this will get better. If you want to send him a message, be the one that you get what you need, your share and your rights in a divorce. Let your lawyer send the message! HUGS

LisaMariB, don't lower yourself. She's going to find out what he's like. Why give her the warning?

Hold your head up high and get on with your life.

love and hugs
kamary

Sound advice from the others so far.

As I see it, your anger and resentment is still being channeled to the wrong person. If it hadn't been this OW, there would have been another one. That's just the way things are. Your words would be totally wasted on her (and him, as I am sure she would share it with him) and serve absolutely no purpose other than to make you look bitter. Don't give either of them this satisfaction.

Like MsTerey said, if you need to put your feelings in writing, do it -- but DO NOT SEND IT. I kept hand-written journals during my 18 Months of Hell and I can tell you that a lot of those pages actually curled under my hand because I was so angry, I was bearing down on the pen in my hand. SOOO GLAD I never sent any of those angry missives although NONE OF THEM were ever written to the OW. She became history soon after the divorce was final, anyway.

If these feelings and urges persist, I strongly encourage you to speak with a qualified counselor or certified therapist about them. That is where your healing will begin - in letting go of the anger and resentment.

Big squeezy hugs to you. xoxo

Write/type it out. Sign it, place it in an envelope then burn it or destroy it. The others are right...your anger is a wee bit displaced. Your EX or STBX is responsible. There is no telling what he told her. AND if he gave her the unhappy or we are separated sob story then this is a very good example of why no one should see or get involved with someone still married. She has gotten what she deserves...only she doesn't know her prince in shining armor is really a frog in tinfoil.

Thank you for coming here and being honest. I know you are hurting, hang in there (((HUGS)))

In five years, I have come to learn that neither my ex or the OW give a damn about the hurt they caused. The only contact I had with the OW (still don't know what she looks like) is the day I found out he was cheating, I called her and told her about me. Of course, she didn't answer, just left a voicemail. He has told me many times that he lied to her, she is a good person and not to ever blame her. She is the fool. She broke up with him "supposedly" because he was married, but has since gotten back together with his and had his baby. We are "technically" still married, so that doesn't show any self-respect for herself.

It's not worth it. Do not send the letter. As others above have said, write it, read it, throw it away. Hugs! I know how hard all this is for you. I can feel your pain. You will be okay, though.

After I kicked my lying, cheating ex to the curb, I grabbed the phone and contacted his OW. I sized her up in a five minute phone call: a lying whore with low self-esteem who didn't care who she hurt to get what she wanted. When she told me she had had many affairs during her marriage, I told her, "You two deserve each other" and hung up. I never called her again.

I don't regret the call--she did tell me that she and my ex had had sex (he lied about this--said they were in the "talking" stage), so it confirmed what I already thought, and reinforced my desire to divorce my no good skunk of an ex-husband. The others are right--put the blame where it truly belongs--on your stbx. He could have resisted temptation--many spouses do.

Stop and consider this: what kind of life will they have? Two people who have built a relationship on lies and deceit can't be a happy one. Yes, they may put on the "show" and pretend how blissfully happy they are, but if you look closely, their lives are a mess. How do I know this? I'm watching it play out with my ex and his skank ho/now wife. They don't trust each other, screen phone calls, put people on speaker phone unknowingly, and are constantly fighting with family. That's no great life.

The best thing for you is to focus on YOU and your healing. Write a letter as others have suggested, but don't send it.

Sending healing hugs!

Oh boy, everyone here is correct. Don't do it! They don't care. If they did it would never have happened in the first place. You will gain so much more in the long run by just holding your head high, focus on yourself, get active, don't sit around and let them make you depressed. Don't give them that power. Take all your strength and focus on you. You will win two times over if you do this!

Write some journal entries on here and say everything you want. Yell, scream, cry it out...whatever you need, just don't contact her or him. It doesn't work.

Dont do it. It is not worth it. They are not worth it. They deserve each other. If he did it to you he will do it to the next and next. They dont care who they hurt. That is why its easy for them to get up and walk away from it all. We stay behind destroyed and with unanswered questions. Like they say: If it wasnt her it would have been someone else. She just made it easier by being there when he left. Move and be strong. The best revenge is showing you dont give a dam either and that this will NOT crumble your world.

I think some of this is because you recently saw him and her, for your daughters surgery! Something like this can cause a not so much a setback, but a step back. You are dealing with a lot, and go back to " going dark". The reality is that not knowing what an ex is doing, is a good place to be. I know for those with kids, or as in your case, medical issues with your daughter, you have some contact.

I also apologize if you are divorced, I forgot that you probably are in my post.

For the rest in the process or who are divorced, don't spend your time thinking or have any kind of an obsession on a ex. Or OP! It is so not worth the real estate in your head. The ex is not spending his time worrying or wondering what you are up to. I say and believe me, I know it is not easy, have been there.. why in the heck would I keep thinking about him, because that having him in my brain, is a form of control. Why would I let him control me, I did not in the marriage and I sure the heck am not giving him that power over me post divorce! Live your life, and do not spend much time thinking about his life! Take back that control and use to focus on what you can do with it, for you! HUGS

She doesn't care.....it wont change a thing and u won't feel better.....btdt

Yes, Ms Terey is right. This is because you had recent contact with him (though unavoidable contact). After you get settled back into NC, you will not feel this. If you must, write it and burn it or come here and vent.

Yes..I also agree with Ms Terey. I cant stress enough the importance of no contact. I know we all cant go that route but even minimizing it helps. You just spent a few days with your ex. It's expected for you to feel torn and hurt. Its normal to go over all the details of the marriage breakdown and wonder...what if. But...to think the OW would empathize or even understand your feelings is not realistic. Both her and your ex are working under a different agenda...one that does not equate to kindness and understanding. I too believe it would be a mistake to make contact with the OW. It could and probably would be held against you. The thing you might try to keep in mind is...they are in a totally different place emotionally and mentally...they would not be capable of relating to your plight. Big Hugs Lisa...this is simply one step backwards...soon you will be making those 2 steps forward...I promise...Kathy

During this whole process (for me at least) I occassionally obsess about something. When did it start? Is she prettier/skinnier than me? What did he do on his once a year reunion trip that I wasn't allowed to go to?

Bottom line-he doesn't care, she doesn't care, I will never know the answers, and it changes nothing!

Please get the focus back on you-stay strong! I know it is hard, and we are here for you. I agree that some of it is because you had to see him-lucky for me I haven't seen him for a year.

Hugs :)