Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I've been struggling some lately, and it's unexpected. I thought that if I worked hard and finished my degree and moved back to my home town among my friends that I would finally be free of the sadness and grief from my divorce. At times, I've felt very sure that I'm over my ex and ready to move on. Lately, however, I'm feeling lost and nostalgic. I know that some of this is due to being back in my old stomping grounds around countless places that my ex and I frequented. It does make it hard to let go and move on. I avoid certain places, like the church we married in, because they illicit very strong emotions and make me yearn for my old life. I have a job that I fell into, and I'm grateful to have it, but it's not at all related to my degree and the pay is ridiculously low. So low, in fact, that I will soon have to take a second job just to survive. I never expected to find myself in this situation. It makes it hard to keep a positive attitude at times. The work is monotonous and there is no opportunity for advancement. I keep looking to find something that better matches my skills, but it's really tough out there. I either hear nothing at all or get rejected for jobs I'm very well qualified for. It's very disheartening.
Today, I learned from my daughter that my son's friend was killed in a car accident. He apparently went to see my ex and, of course, the OW was there. I only knew about this tragic accident because my daughter forwarded to me the email her father sent to her and other members of the family asking them to reach out to our son. I feel as though I've been relegated to getting important news second hand. What's worse, my son sought solace from his father (who lives in CO as well) and, to some extent, the very woman who helped to destroy my family. I can't lie, that hurts me deeply. And, when did my ex become the communicator with his family? He NEVER reached out like that while we were married. In fact, he wouldn't even take his own mother's phone calls unless I made him. How is it that he can suddenly be the caring, supportive father? Where was this version of him while we were married? I'm glad that my son has someone to turn to, but that someone used to be me. I distinctly remember my son crying because his father wasn't listening to him and would only respond "k" when he was trying to tell him things that mattered to him. Now, I feel like I've not only been replaced as wife but also as mom. I did reach out to my son, and he answered, but only in text messages. He won't talk on the phone. I chatted with him for a while, and he seemed glad to hear from me. But, it's not the same as it was. I guess it will never be again.
I'm grateful to have my friends around, and I do get to see them regularly. I spend time with my aunt and her friends quite often, too. When I was married, I wasn't allowed to have friends because my ex didn't value them. So, I am very glad to have them back in my life. But, why do I still feel so empty and alone at times?
And, to make matters more hurtful, one night while I was out with some friends I saw my ex mother-in-law. She didn't see me, thankfully. But I was torn between the desire to walk up to her and hug her and to walk away. I chose to walk away. I'm just not ready for such an encounter, and they stopped communicating with me after my ex announced his engagement to the OW, so I don't know if my attempts to talk to them would be welcomed. Then, last night as I'm having fun at a BBQ with my friends, my daughter texts me a photo of my former sister-in-law and her now new hubby. They eloped in Hawaii. Again, it brought back lots of confusing emotions. She was once the sister I had always wanted. My brother and only sibling died just 3 months before my ex ended our marriage. My ex had been estranged from his sister and brother because he was angry at them and felt he was right and they were wrong. I guess they've started mending fences, which is good. But, I don't get to be a part of that.
I'm starting to wonder if I made the right decision in moving here. Maybe all of this will pass. I sure hope so. Life has certainly not turned out at all like I had hoped. Not anywhere close, but don't we all know how that feels? Part of me feels the pull to move back to CO, but I will have only my son there right now. I will, once again, have to leave all of my friends. And, I would be back near my ex and his new wife, the OW. That very thought makes my stomach turn.
Has anyone else felt this way? Any ideas on how to cope and really move on under these circumstances? And how do I reconcile feeling as though I've been replaced again and knowing that my son needs his father, which now includes the OW? Once again, my ex gets to have his new wife and a relationship with our kids and seemingly everything. Yet, I still feel empty. Any thoughts, suggestion, and encouragement is very much appreciated. Some days I feel as though the pain and grief will never truly go away. I would just like to feel joy again instead of so much emptiness.
Hugs to you all,
Kim
Today, I learned from my daughter that my son's friend was killed in a car accident. He apparently went to see my ex and, of course, the OW was there. I only knew about this tragic accident because my daughter forwarded to me the email her father sent to her and other members of the family asking them to reach out to our son. I feel as though I've been relegated to getting important news second hand. What's worse, my son sought solace from his father (who lives in CO as well) and, to some extent, the very woman who helped to destroy my family. I can't lie, that hurts me deeply. And, when did my ex become the communicator with his family? He NEVER reached out like that while we were married. In fact, he wouldn't even take his own mother's phone calls unless I made him. How is it that he can suddenly be the caring, supportive father? Where was this version of him while we were married? I'm glad that my son has someone to turn to, but that someone used to be me. I distinctly remember my son crying because his father wasn't listening to him and would only respond "k" when he was trying to tell him things that mattered to him. Now, I feel like I've not only been replaced as wife but also as mom. I did reach out to my son, and he answered, but only in text messages. He won't talk on the phone. I chatted with him for a while, and he seemed glad to hear from me. But, it's not the same as it was. I guess it will never be again.
I'm grateful to have my friends around, and I do get to see them regularly. I spend time with my aunt and her friends quite often, too. When I was married, I wasn't allowed to have friends because my ex didn't value them. So, I am very glad to have them back in my life. But, why do I still feel so empty and alone at times?
And, to make matters more hurtful, one night while I was out with some friends I saw my ex mother-in-law. She didn't see me, thankfully. But I was torn between the desire to walk up to her and hug her and to walk away. I chose to walk away. I'm just not ready for such an encounter, and they stopped communicating with me after my ex announced his engagement to the OW, so I don't know if my attempts to talk to them would be welcomed. Then, last night as I'm having fun at a BBQ with my friends, my daughter texts me a photo of my former sister-in-law and her now new hubby. They eloped in Hawaii. Again, it brought back lots of confusing emotions. She was once the sister I had always wanted. My brother and only sibling died just 3 months before my ex ended our marriage. My ex had been estranged from his sister and brother because he was angry at them and felt he was right and they were wrong. I guess they've started mending fences, which is good. But, I don't get to be a part of that.
I'm starting to wonder if I made the right decision in moving here. Maybe all of this will pass. I sure hope so. Life has certainly not turned out at all like I had hoped. Not anywhere close, but don't we all know how that feels? Part of me feels the pull to move back to CO, but I will have only my son there right now. I will, once again, have to leave all of my friends. And, I would be back near my ex and his new wife, the OW. That very thought makes my stomach turn.
Has anyone else felt this way? Any ideas on how to cope and really move on under these circumstances? And how do I reconcile feeling as though I've been replaced again and knowing that my son needs his father, which now includes the OW? Once again, my ex gets to have his new wife and a relationship with our kids and seemingly everything. Yet, I still feel empty. Any thoughts, suggestion, and encouragement is very much appreciated. Some days I feel as though the pain and grief will never truly go away. I would just like to feel joy again instead of so much emptiness.
Hugs to you all,
Kim
Going home has brought up many hurts, old happinesses and the emotions those memories bring. I think you went home to heal, and the healing will happen as you deal with all these emotions and problems that come up.
I know it looks as though you son has shifted camp. It's probably natural that he sees more of his father now, since they live in the same place. Stay in regular contact and try to call instead of text so you can get the habit going. My kids prefer text, too. That's ok with the one who lives here because I get to see her regularly, but sometimes I yearn to hear the voices of my other two, so I'll call instead and hope they'll answer. It works sometimes, not others. I find that it is me making the contact more often than not, so be prepared for that. I think it's just their generation and the ages they're at - busy living!
I have the empty feeling sometimes too - not as often as I used to. I read somewhere that you feel happy when you are giving love, not so much when you're receiving it. When you give yourself the love you want. Fill your free time with doing things you enjoy, that make you feel at peace. Give yourself to your friends and family and others when you can. I just spent a week giving love and compassion at three funeral services. Some people gave to me as well, which was nice, but it was knowing I had helped so many to grieve that made me feel at peace. Instead of looking for what others are giving you (which is my problem too) give to them and you will feel a whole lot better.
It's all very well to know the theory of feeling happier. It still takes time for our own grief to pass. We have to go through the process to get to the other end, so let yourself feel empty. Sit with that emptiness and tell yourself what it feels like, what it looks like. Write it all down. Let the tears flow or sit dry-eyed and contemplate it. Let yourself follow you train of thought until it stops and you find yourself sitting, not thinking, feeling as though it's all drained away. Then you will begin to think about what to do next. You may have an epiphany. Then again, you may decide to mop the floor or do the dishes. Whatever happens is right for you at this time.
I'm so glad your friends have rallied and that you also have so much family there. People who love you and want to be in your life. They will help you find your new place in life. Also, if you can, what about seeing a therapist as well?
lots of love and huge hugs
kamary xxx
Wow, all those emotionally charged situations would be enough to drive a person into depression. I imagine it's difficult to see your ex behave differently (seemingly better) then when you were married to him. I can only say be happy for your son,s sake, that he stepped up to the plate a bit. Maybe he's just showing off for the new woman, who knows why? But know that you can never be replaced as a mom, although with grown sons the relationships do change.
Losing the in law family and that bond is so difficult. I found out my ex SIL was in town this week, and I realized it's the first time she's visited in 24 years that I haven't seen her. Even when the divorce was newly inked last year, I was invited to the party when she visited. But now, I'm not in the list. I miss her and I miss that.
I'm so very happy to hear that you've renewed your friendship bonds. It is SO important, and to have been denied that for the years of your marriage is unthinkable. You ARE better off. I think it sounds like being a place with many connections was the right choice for you now. Hang in there . Much love to you
Divorce is filled with loss on many levels. And just when we think we are managing it all fairly well, something else comes up that sets us back a bit and we feel the sadness and loss in a keen way. We wonder...will this ever end?
I think that Kamary gave some very wise advice. Despite the circumstances, continue to make your life about loving and giving to others. It may feel like an effort at times, but I believe that the more we give to others and love others, the more satisfaction and contentment we feel in our own lives.
My mother used to say "this too shall pass" and "things will not always be this way". I sure hope she was right :)
I understand that it must be hard for you knowing that your son is accepting of the OW. I would also hate that but you just have to ignore it if possible. Keep being the wonderful mother you obviously are and things will work out. It is hard but our sons did grow up and may be like this even if we were still married. They do break away somewhat when they move out on their own. But the OW can NEVER, EVER be your son's mother!!! That is something that no one can do. You can never be replaced no matter what and your son will always love you as his mother. Just try to remember that!!
Did you obtain your teaching degree? I thought you would be teaching this semester and was surprised that you are working at a job you don't like. I do hope you find something that you enjoy and pays enough to support yourself very soon.
Moving back to your hometown would definitely cause you to feel many different emotions especially regret and sadness about your past married life. I won't go to the restaurants that my husband and I went to. Thankfully there are only a few because we had just moved to this area and he was still living in the previous town waiting for his transfer to go through. So I completely understand - give it time and if you can't move past it then you can always move and start fresh. If you want to move to Raleigh I'll help you :) :)
Take care and keep your chin up. Things will get better!!!!
Hugs and lots of love,
Donna
As far as your son talking to his father - it really is about location and gender. He's not a little boy anymore and your ex is simply male and closer. Try not to take it to heart. And if you want to hear his voice, just call him and say I want to hear your voice... He'll call you when he can.
The memories that the things around you bring up is totally normal too. Face each one head on, and pretty soon you'll have new/different memories surrounding those places. I'm not sure how long ago you moved, but as you well know - everything takes time. You are doing awesome! You really are, and you are also entitled to back track a bit. I personally believe that when this happens, your being told to re-learn a lesson you may have not learned well enough - whatever that may be.
Grateful that you have friends and family around you. Enjoy that. Hopefully next time you see your MIL, you'll be able to go up to her and give her a big fat hug and kiss. Sending you all the support I can sister!
The feelings you are experiencing are quite normal. As we make changes in our new lives, we have to work on reconciling our old life with our new life, and this reconciliation causes emotional conflict within us. Couple that with your disatisfaction with your job, and the issues with your son and it's not surprising that you are feeling some grief.
Perhaps some time with a counselor can help you put things back into a healthy perspective. I know I had to see my counselor again a few years after my divorce to get a "tune-up".
Sending healing hugs. You will get through this.
I hate to sound cliché, but only time will heal the pain you feel. The memories will always be there, but the pain you feel will lessen with each year that passes. New memories will replace your old ones...allowing you to revisit places from your past and not feel the pain you feel now.
I can't add anything to what the others say, but agree that you should stay put....near your friends. Friends are a godsend and your son is young and busy with his own life. Believe me though...I totally understand how you feel about your son being ok with the OW. I suffer from that as well, especially after seeing my youngest (DD23) talking and laughing with HER at DD29's wedding last year. DD23 though has lived with them during breaks and summers in college due to her father having the big family house and lots of room along with dh's son living in our basement at the time we married. Not comfortable. Luckily, my older ones have never lived with them, but it's been hard with my youngest getting too close to them and feeling all at home with THEM and not me and dh. I noticed at the wedding that my daughters didn't spend more time with THEM than me and my family...shared of their time, but DD23 I noticed talking to the OW and laughing. I didn't much like it, but not much I can do about it. I just keep reminding myself (as others have advised you), that I am her mother, not her...and nothing can change that, but the fact that she has spent more time with her than me these last 4 years has been difficult.
Since I have been "on the other side" longer than most here, I can tell you that at some point, your "past life" will seem like SO long ago. Calling it my "old life" or that "closed chapter of my life" helps me to focus on the future and not what used to be. It's over, it's done, and acceptance is the norm.
The one place I know I will never go again, however, is my XMIL's. The one time I went there, I was greeted by a large 16 X 16 portrait of the "new" family. It was on her living room wall probably taken in 2009 when they were married. It included my x-inlaws, their kids and grandchildren...including the OW AND her 2 children! I felt totally replaced. THAT was MY family, too, and it is still the same except there's someone else where I had always been. It was hard seeing it right in my face. I did notice, however, the "old" family picture taken in 1999 which DID include me is hung in her bedroom. My XMIL never did condone the divorce and has never let me go. But, seeing the new family picture...well, it was like taking a bullet. I knew I'd never go back and I haven't. That's something I don't need to see.
I AM sorry about losing your XSIL in the process. I know how hard that is as well...to lose "family" members. I was a big part of that family for almost 30 years. Even my XSIL, to this day says holidays will never be the same without me there. I guess I don't understand why you and your XSIL still can't be friends. My XSIL who I am still close to and get together with. (She was my ex's SIL, not his sister, so maybe THAT makes a difference, I don't know.) She's taken hateful looks from my ex when he's known she's spent time with me, but she absolutely does not care. We clicked over 20 years ago and ARE sisters...just not by blood. I'm sorry your XSIL can't do that.
As for your ex being the version you wish he'd been in your marriage...well, I guess we all wish that, but they weren't. Why are they happier now? We'll never truly know. Remember...this was all about HIM and had nothing to do with you.
I remember praying for 5 years to pass when I was in the midst of divorce and, I have to tell you...although it seemed to crawl at the time, it does pass and the feelings you are experiencing now will lessen. I know this from experience, so please go easy on yourself. Your feelings are normal and we've all been there.
Much love and hugs...
work your way through this.
Faceing those old places that you and you're x visited.,..even the church.
The more you see them .....the less they will bother you.
You!!!!!!!! My friend are going g to be OK.....I just know it !
Attractive, intelligent , sensesitive, ...you have the power to keep driving...
Look what you did with your education ... Working oñe job ..going to school.
I'll tell you what Kim, I couldn't have done what you have after my divorce.
Some guy is going to come along......when and where we you least expect it.
And your life will change once and for all.
There's still a lot of good men out there.....you just need to cross paths .
Like me.... I went to a dance one night.... Danced with this girl and her frwainds..
Never danced with anyone else since ...,... We've been married now fro four years.. This month.
At time I still struggle with my past emotions but I know that I have met someone very special and I keep thinking that.
Soooooo0o, what I guess I'm saying is that......face all those old places. Don't dwell on them ..don't start thingvback to eachcthing you did there... Just look....give it a couple tears....movec on. I found out that if I let myself keep thinking of many moments. Or places that we've been.,..it just gets worst..... Can ruin your whole day.... So.. When thoughts come into my head about something to do owithv the x..... I give it a couple tears and try to focus on something different. .
Ok, got go....you take care......
Remember don't dwell on anything to long..... It will only ruin YOUR day.
Always...Bob
PS. If I don't get over to the Post Office and send in my taxes....?I'll be dwelling in a cell. Ha ha.
Three more re payments after this one... Two or more long years of paying them every month...... yippppi ! Oct..... Last payment... FINISHED
I was amazed to see how many children did not respond to their parents calls! I have been complaining about
my daughter not answering my calls or not calling often enough. She does have a life, a job and a hubby.
I know she gives me all she can. It also bothered me that she thinks my stbx is wonderful [her step] and all
the neighbors ask me why I left? I tell them they needed to walk in my shoes for awhile when I was with him.
Many hugs Kim and it will get better.
I too am struggling with moving on from my 2nd divorce, it about killed me and while I do have mostly good days, I feel myself back tracking lately. I go through the day to day motions, but I'm struggling with finding true joy and happiness and I definitely have that empty feeling. Everyone says it will get better so I am holding on to that thought. Keep your head up, you're doing great and a huge inspiration to many of us here!!!!
My son, mid twenties and just finished with law school this year, is so busy I only get to see him every 3 or 4 months as well. I think a lot of that is the age and temperament of young males. From what I see in my friends families, once they settle down and start having children, moms become more important again. Hopefully you'll see this with your son too.
I'm grateful you have friends and family to connect with. Although my 2 friends are within an hour, we only see each other once a year or so due to their schedules with their kids and grandkids. I get to enjoy times with my sister, brother and mom once in a while as well. Getting out for fun and to relax and talk to people outside of work or my volunteer groups really helps, but I too feel like it's not enough sometimes.
Sending a hug and a big thanks for all your help.
Breaking into a new career is difficult but if you make the right connections it sometimes helps you get a leg up. These days, especially with all resumes being submitted online, hundreds to thousands of resumes are submitted daily for one job opening. That makes it a little harder to stand out. If you get to know a few people in your field, you can ask for your resume to be put to the top of the pile.
Kids these days prefer texting to talking so don't take offense to that. Its good that your son is cultivating a better relationship with his dad. Maybe that's what pushed your ex to be a better communicator. When you don't have your spouse managing your relationship with your children -and lets face it most women have to do that for their husbands-then they have to fend for themselves. It's heartbreaking but it's ultimately the best thing for your son.
The rest is part of the roller coaster ride. I suspect it would've been more calm if you didn't make some drastic changes recently. I think change of any kind just magnifies everything until it seems bigger than it actually is.
You are mighty for finishing your degree. Sending jedi hugs your way.
ilostitinthedivorce.com
I'm so grateful to have each of you here. I know I don't get on here as much as I'd like to, but you are all always in my heart, every day. I have to say that if it took losing my ex to get each of you, it was a fantastic trade.
Love and hugs to you all,
Kim