I've been struggling some lately, and it's unexpected. I thought that if I worked hard and finished my degree and moved back to my home town among my friends that I would finally be free of the sadness and grief from my divorce. At times, I've felt very sure that I'm over my ex and ready to move on. Lately, however, I'm feeling lost and nostalgic. I know that some of this is due to being back in my old stomping grounds around countless places that my ex and I frequented. It does make it hard to let go and move on. I avoid certain places, like the church we married in, because they illicit very strong emotions and make me yearn for my old life. I have a job that I fell into, and I'm grateful to have it, but it's not at all related to my degree and the pay is ridiculously low. So low, in fact, that I will soon have to take a second job just to survive. I never expected to find myself in this situation. It makes it hard to keep a positive attitude at times. The work is monotonous and there is no opportunity for advancement. I keep looking to find something that better matches my skills, but it's really tough out there. I either hear nothing at all or get rejected for jobs I'm very well qualified for. It's very disheartening.

Today, I learned from my daughter that my son's friend was killed in a car accident. He apparently went to see my ex and, of course, the OW was there. I only knew about this tragic accident because my daughter forwarded to me the email her father sent to her and other members of the family asking them to reach out to our son. I feel as though I've been relegated to getting important news second hand. What's worse, my son sought solace from his father (who lives in CO as well) and, to some extent, the very woman who helped to destroy my family. I can't lie, that hurts me deeply. And, when did my ex become the communicator with his family? He NEVER reached out like that while we were married. In fact, he wouldn't even take his own mother's phone calls unless I made him. How is it that he can suddenly be the caring, supportive father? Where was this version of him while we were married? I'm glad that my son has someone to turn to, but that someone used to be me. I distinctly remember my son crying because his father wasn't listening to him and would only respond "k" when he was trying to tell him things that mattered to him. Now, I feel like I've not only been replaced as wife but also as mom. I did reach out to my son, and he answered, but only in text messages. He won't talk on the phone. I chatted with him for a while, and he seemed glad to hear from me. But, it's not the same as it was. I guess it will never be again.

I'm grateful to have my friends around, and I do get to see them regularly. I spend time with my aunt and her friends quite often, too. When I was married, I wasn't allowed to have friends because my ex didn't value them. So, I am very glad to have them back in my life. But, why do I still feel so empty and alone at times?

And, to make matters more hurtful, one night while I was out with some friends I saw my ex mother-in-law. She didn't see me, thankfully. But I was torn between the desire to walk up to her and hug her and to walk away. I chose to walk away. I'm just not ready for such an encounter, and they stopped communicating with me after my ex announced his engagement to the OW, so I don't know if my attempts to talk to them would be welcomed. Then, last night as I'm having fun at a BBQ with my friends, my daughter texts me a photo of my former sister-in-law and her now new hubby. They eloped in Hawaii. Again, it brought back lots of confusing emotions. She was once the sister I had always wanted. My brother and only sibling died just 3 months before my ex ended our marriage. My ex had been estranged from his sister and brother because he was angry at them and felt he was right and they were wrong. I guess they've started mending fences, which is good. But, I don't get to be a part of that.

I'm starting to wonder if I made the right decision in moving here. Maybe all of this will pass. I sure hope so. Life has certainly not turned out at all like I had hoped. Not anywhere close, but don't we all know how that feels? Part of me feels the pull to move back to CO, but I will have only my son there right now. I will, once again, have to leave all of my friends. And, I would be back near my ex and his new wife, the OW. That very thought makes my stomach turn.

Has anyone else felt this way? Any ideas on how to cope and really move on under these circumstances? And how do I reconcile feeling as though I've been replaced again and knowing that my son needs his father, which now includes the OW? Once again, my ex gets to have his new wife and a relationship with our kids and seemingly everything. Yet, I still feel empty. Any thoughts, suggestion, and encouragement is very much appreciated. Some days I feel as though the pain and grief will never truly go away. I would just like to feel joy again instead of so much emptiness.

Hugs to you all,
Kim