Donna, honey, take heart.
Two years post separation isn't really THAT long. I know you have heard the old adage on here about timing; that for every 4 or 5 years of a marriage, it takes 1 year to fully recover. I have to say from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE that it's absolutely true -- BUT it doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold for that whole period of time.

Everyone heals in their own time and in their own way. I met a man just 18 months after the Divorce from Hell was finally final and it was wonderful -- at least for the first three years. After that, I was slowly able to see that IF I had waited longer to "jump in" with a new relationship, I probably wouldn't have gotten in so deep and so quickly. So consider yourself fortunate that you are not yet feeling that "connection" that you seek. It could save you a lot of pain in the long run. Again this is the Voice of Experience talking!

Something I have said many times on here about being alone vs. being in a relationship: UNTIL you are completely happy WITH YOURSELF and ALL BY YOURSELF you will never be able to fully appreciate being in a truly healthy relationship. I broke it off with Tom over 2-1/2 years ago and while it took some getting used to, I am finding that I am PERFECTLY OK by myself. I have dated and with the exception of one guy, haven't felt that "connection" either, but I'm not giving up. What I have done is just accept that this is the way things are supposed to be right now. I have faith that my True Partner is looking for me and when the time is right, we will bump into each other.

You are a fine, smart and attractive woman with a lot to offer the world and that someone special. You have grown by leaps and bounds through all of this. Give yourself time -- and give yourself credit for having faced an extremely difficult life circumstance and come out of it in a good place.

And yes, "dating" after age 50 is a little strange, but it's all about ATTITUDE. I always tell myself that it's an opportunity to make a new friend. If it turns into something more, that's fine, but not crucial. Relax a bit and do your best to stay in the moment.

Hugs all around you, my friend.
xoxox

SciTeacher, you said something I also feel. I was with my husband, the only man ever, for such a long time. The truth is I didn't do anything. He pursued me. Then we loved each other and it just fell in step. The of course, he slowly revealed himself to be a monstrous pig. But I understand your sentiment: I really want a relationship where I already know the person and already feel that comfort. Believe me, I think starting over dating is scary for anyone who has been in a very long relationship; what do you do on a date? So I do have your concerns too. In fact, this is so perfectly said; it's what my fears are. I just am so tired. I don't feel like sparking for anyone unless well just being me is sparkles enough. I do take hope that if it happened like that the first time, with the right person it will happen again. So, I guess, it's takes time. I really like what CowGirlKathi said and I hope to get there one day, learning how to be alone but not feel lonely. You know I just read a piece on the Little Budha site about the grass not being greener on the other side and it might help. Sometimes, choosing something simple and letting it develop can be good too. Sometimes it's after you really get to know someone that the butterflies and connection come. A lot of naracisist and pyschopaths come on strong and sweep you off your feet, so maybe its a good sign if the connection develops later and slowly. Don't know if it's good advice but hope it helps.

Over 2 years for me too, but I'm just now starting to think about spending time with a man. I haven't got an expectation that anyone would ask me out and it still freaks me out thinking about it. Don't know if I will ever consider a dating site, and expect it to be a long time before I will, if ever.
Funny, but I get along with people pretty easily as long as they're acquaintances, but doubt if I'll ever be comfortable enough to trust anyone closer than friends.
Good for you for having the courage to try, and I hope you find what you want, once you figure it out..... LOL.
Don't know if I'll ever get that far, but wanted to encourage and support you.

sciteacher, I just wrote a very similar post in my journal yesterday. I cannot understand why I am not connecting or feeling chemistry. The very few times I did feel it it turned out wrong in the end, so I know it's possible, but I feel because of how many dates I've been on, with perfectly nice, good guys, the issue has to be me! And I do NOT want to be alone. I am TIRED of being alone, but I a just can't commit wholeheartedly to anyone and I don't know why?! but I think I'm going to try to take Pickinup's advice about going ahead with someone who has good qualities but doesn't make my heart race, and see if it develops over time. It seems boring to do it that way, but when it's a complete stranger, maybe that will end up being a stronger connection in the end. Did you sister feel it right away? I'd be curious.
And I also like pickingup's comment about narcissists coming on strong - I think she might be right - they are very skilled at flirting, and that's why they turn out wrong - they are too smooth and not made of any substance you'd want in the long run. We probably have to retrain our brains from years of romantic movies and books and assuming we should feel infatuation. I guess.... It sounds like you are like me in that the men would be fine with going on a second date, and you are the one saying no.
Let's give the next one a real try and see how it ends up. How long do you think it should take until we know?

Ever see the dating commercial where the woman is painting her vision of wanting marriage and the white picket fence at their first date with the guy?? First comes LIKE!!!!!!! Not marriage. Now that commercial is right on the money. Dates are for you to allow him to show you his ability to impress you. Sit back, watch, and let him do the relational work. Just enjoy!!

Hi Donna,
I wanted to thank you for sharing this. I am sure you speak for many on here. Try not to be down. You are an amazing woman with a huge heart. Try to have fun with the process. You will find someone to share your future with. Hugs.

It hasn't been very long. Give it time. I thought about dating and realized for me it's not worth it. I don't want to go through the uncomfortable, don't know what to say, don't feel relaxed stage. Of course, I'm in my 60's so there are not a lot to choose from! I'm comfortable by myself (If my ex would just leave me alone).
I think meeting people and being friends is the way to go. Don't think serious, just friendship, and if was meant to be something more you will already be past the awkward stage
Watch out though. There are lot of jerks out there.

Donna,
i very much understand the anger at having to do the dating stuff because of your ex
i understand missing what you thought you had, you didn't have it though, he never made it so!

for me, it is has come down to being open to the possibility, that something good just may happen, i'm on a site, a few phone talks, nothing in person yet, i don't expect much for now, maybe never but being open to the possibility means I'm not closed off. I have found that for me, by closing off, i've closed off part of myself, if i keep it closed that part will continue to atrophy, and i will go backwards, by opening up myself to the possibility, i've opened up a lot more.

you are welcome to shot me a message / question if you think ant of my bullshit would be worth hearing or laughing at, you know my wheels are always spinning

refurb

Hello Donna,
During the first couple of years that my x left.
I had a couple of one night dates? Not sex.just going
To a dance or out to eat. There wasn't any feeling there so,
They were just a one time. They were nice woman, just nothing was there and I wasn't ready. I said it here many times..I'll say it again : I personally believe that meet ups area great way to get out a d meet people. When I was going to the meets ups... Everyone was friendly....we had had fun . there were different men and woman there. If you should meet someone that you think that you may be interested in, well you would just be with that person more at the mmet ups... You should try Donna. Or you could even start your own.
One last thing........ When that right person comes along.you will know it. Just go out and have fun now .... Let things flow where they will . You're a beautiful woman .inside and out. There is a special person out there for you.... Meet ups !
Good night

Opppps !
Forgot.......Bob

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses to me. I appreciate every last one of you! You all have such great wisdom and advice. I will take it slow and let things unfold. I think most of you are right - that when the right one comes along I will know it. But in the meantime I will just enjoy being with people. I just worry that I am getting too old and that time is ticking by. I am glad that some of you have similar feelings as me - it makes me feel that my feelings are normal.

Bob, glad that you ended up finding someone you love. You deserve that happiness.

Refurb, enjoy your dating. You do sound ready for that now. And yes, your wheels are always turning :) And that's a good thing.

Here's hoping that we all get what we want - peace, love and happiness one way or another.

Thanks again and much love to all of you,
Donna

Donna, I'm thinking it's probably early days that is the problem. I am 7 years out. A few months ago, I was still having trust issues so badly that I felt like I was walking around with my arms stiffly held out to the front as if to say 'stay away' 'not ready' 'leave me alone' 'I don't want to be hurt again'.

Just recently, I've been going through a few health issues which have forced me to rely on myself more than ever before. I've finally realised that not only did I need to forgive my ex for what he did to me; I also need to forgive myself for what I did to me, for letting myself down by putting up with things, turning a blind eye, for staying when I should have left a couple of times, for not standing up for me sometimes, for the times I gave him tit for tat instead of taking the high road, for letting disrespect and abandonment slide and hoping they would end instead of making them end.

It takes a long time to find yourself again after a long marriage ends in divorce. You must be ready if you want to get out there and date again. Good on you! I'm sorry you haven't found someone you feel you gel with, but I'm sure there's someone out there somewhere. If you stay at home expecting him to miraculously knock on your door, I suspect your chances of meeting him would be severely diminished.

I don't think your expectations are unreasonable, but I do think they may not be present on the first date. Everyone's a bit nervous on a first date - maybe even for the first few dates. I like the idea of being friends with people, getting to know them by doing a few different things together over time, and letting a relationship grow. Just because there may be sparks flying and feelings getting out of hand at a first meeting does not mean the long-term connection will be what you're looking for. Sometimes relationships are slow to develop and can become very strong because of that.

Hang in there. Give some fellows a second chance and see what happens. Relax. Have fun. Be happy. Laugh a lot. Let things flow. You're not getting that much older by the minute, and all this playing and having fun will make you feel young anyway:)

love and hugs
kamary

Donna,

I also have the same problem as I don't feel complete since I was with my hasbeen for 40 years. I am trying very hard to get past that feeling of emptiness. If I find out how, I will let you know. :)

Helping others in need does take the focus off of my sadness. Better days ahead for both of us.

I don't think you're asking too much at all, Donna. Hang in there and, in the meantime, just have fun.

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and at the end of many of his shows he has a doctor on who talks about various medical topics. One recently was on aging and how 60 is the new 40, etc...They showed pictures of her 94 year old father who looked great and got married again at 90! What I have come to learn is that love knows no age and you just never know when he/she might show up. In the meantime, enjoy relationships in your life that DO bring you joy...you family, your kids, grandkids, co-workers, friends, etc...

And, I agree with Thiscantbe...it was when I started focusing on OTHERS that I quit dwelling on my own sadness.

HUGSS
SO

How's it going Donna? Anything new with this process for you?