Awww...Big Hugs Donna...I know how hard this is...short of loosing a child..its probably the toughest thing to go through. You are still at the beginning of this nightmare so your feelings are very normal and justified. Try to focus on your moving into your new home...you will have a lot more control over dealings with your ex. You wont have to see him as much either. What I do is...I plan family events separate and apart from my ex so the kids get 2 of everything. If there is an overlap...I give away to his plans...my choice. It is very rare where my ex and I will have to attend an event together.

I think you handled the phone call very well...good job...the emotional aftermath is predictable. As time goes by the emotional aftermath will lessen. You may even see him as ignorant for his cold behaviour especially if he displays this behaviour in front of your children and grandchildren.

Try really hard to remember...this is not about you...it really isnt. This personal crisis he's going though is about him. His behaviour is a reflection of himself...it has nothing to do with you...although his focus is. He will blame you for every single bad day he ever had...he probably is still blaming your for all the bad days he's had since he left. This is not yours to own. Try to separate whats yours and whats his. You can not fix this...its not yours to fix. The only person you can fix is yourself and from what I can see...you are doing a really great job.

If you have to see him...just smile and be as friendly as you can..be gracious..you can deal with the emotional fallout later in private. Hang in there Donna....you are doing all the right things...Big Hugs...Kathy

First of all..................You need a hug !
((((Donna)))))
I’m sorry that your going through this Donna.
It’s all part of that healing process that we’ve been talking about her on D&S
What you’re going through is not easy my dear.
You’re not alone with feeling this way and ...........and .... You have every right to feel like you do ..........Who hell wouldn’t !!!
Donna, if it wouldn’t have been the phone call, it would have been something else. .....It’s just going to take time... Someday you’ll be like me ...or should I say reach that point that I had.
I couldn’t look at my ...hear someone talk about her........ No pictures ........ But when she did call.or left me a message ........ It was so good to hear her voice again........ Now, Well, iit’s still nice hear her .............or get a text , but.. It doesn’t bother me lie it use to. 95% of the time ............im’ fine. My x and I are a little different then your x is with you . We still say hi and talk a little..
There’s no hostility and .well.. I guess that we respect the 38 years that we were married . I don’t really know !!!!!
Your x is ............. Not nice Donna........... Seems to me that he’s afraid to talk to you.......he’s afraid to be nice to you..... What he’s afraid of ...........God Knows ........ But I think that he is !!!!!!
Think about it !!!!!!! Why wouldn’t he want to be nice to you...............like saying Hello. And I hope everything is alright with you ....... Etc, etc... Something doesn’t make sense here ...................I could be wrong.....
Anyway ........... I know that it must hurt you ..... . Live through it my dear ........... It will pass.
Ya, you’re going to have to face him with your children’s birthdays and things .. No getting around that . The only thing is that ......someday it won’t bother you if he’s there or not....
HEY ................ You have all of us !!!!!!!!!! WE love you !!!!!!!!
What would we do if we didn’t have each other here on D&S. Well , one good thing is we have each other and there are a lot of good people here . Sometimes I wish that we all lived close to each other................ We would all make great friends for each other .
OK........... I just wanted to tell you that I’m thinking about you and how you feel now .................
You’re luckier then I am .......... You get to be with your children and grandchildren. ( Child) .. Be thankful that they didn’t leave you... I wish that I was with mine like you are with yours .
Your X.......... The hell with him................ He wants to be that way .Let him be................. It’s a stupid childless way and someday that will catch up with him........ God works in mysterious ways ........ What goes around .........comes around ............
So. .............. Chin up !!!!!!!!! You have a lot of other stuff right now that you have to take care of ..think about ........
I know that there’s not much that I can say to ease your pain....................Just want you to know ..........thinking about you ...
Wishing you well................
I have to hit the sack now ............... I’m tired and I’m old .. LOL...Ha-Ha........
New day tomorrow.......... For you too..........
God bless..................
Always .............. Your friend .................... Bob

PS . BTW _ Donna .............. I to will most likely have setbacks here and there ........ It's just that I'm beetyer then I was then in the beginning years of the divorce... LATER !!!!

I'm just like you. We will always love these men on some level. Unlike them, we don't easily dismiss the memories and life we shared together. So it doesn't matter WHY he was so cold to you, it matters that he IS. That has to be your motivating factor on letting go. It has helped me to think of it in the sense that the man I loved is dead and gone. The man he has become is NOT someone I would have fallen in love with or want to even spend time with. If he were'nt my exhusband/coparent, he would not even be in my social circle.

So, like your daughter said, be proud of how you handled it. Keep being yourself to him regardless of how he may or may not respond. You are the better person for it. Wouldn't you rather be the happy, positive person than the negative, cold one like him?

FYI: my kids also defend their father and it drives me nuts too. But my oldest was able to articulate it this way: they do not respect him like they once did. He is their father and they love him, but they also see his failures and mistakes. However, they walk on eggshells with him because they are afraid of him doing to them what he has done to me. Which is really a sad state of affairs when you think about it. Such a superficial relationship.

My dear Sciteacher:
What you describe is NOT a "trigger over nothing" -- it is just another one of those annoying signs that you are not yet healed. We all have had to work through the devastation and disappointment and, unfortunately, there's no magic pill to get you from here to there. It's a process which takes a lot of time.

Even now -- almost 9 years past my own Day of Devastation -- every once in awhile I get to thinking "What the Hell happened?" He was there one day and everything seemed fine and then it was like someone flipped a switch on him -- his eyes went dead and he completely closed the door to me. That hurt -- very deeply.

But, like everyone else here, I had to work through it. It was like walking through Hell in that 18 months between D-Day and final divorce. But I got there. I owe my survival to my wonderful therapist and amazing attorney and a handful of True Blue friends.

Please remember to BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF and keep the NO CONTACT rule. I'm glad you have an appointment with your therapist the day before this upcoming "family" event. Not sure I could have done it, but I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and sending as much tenacity your way as possible.

Big hugs to you. xoxox

Donna, you should be proud of what you did. If we remember to always take the high road we are setting a good example. Hugs
Carol

Donna, definitely not a trigger over nothing. This man was a part of your life for a very long time. Not sure what happens to them to just erase the years they spent with us. It's all part of the healing process and each interaction (as little as possible hopefully) you have with him the pain will lessen. No contact is what has kept me sane for awhile now. It allowed me to see him for who he is.

Sending hugs!

Donna, he is not who he was. He is not ever going to be who he was

If he does miss his old self, he won't like to be near you because you remind him of who he choose not to be
If he does not miss his old self, he won't like to be near you because thAt reminds of of his time he wAsted.

Either way he was and is a self centered person.
You were/are not,
But perhaps it is time to acknowledge that part of him.

((((HUGS)))) Sorry honey. I think you did great. You see, you surprised each other, he didn't expect you either and he did not handle it as well as you. Don't spend a whole lot of time trying to figure out what's going on in that head of his....it will leads to no where.

Donna, I swear I wrote that exact same thing! During the time of so called separation of which I thought time to work it out, we would meet for lunch with my D...he would actually turn away from me and lean into my D and hold her hand. Awkward...totally ignoring me like i was her nurse/caretaker. Awful...just awful how they treat us. Anyway, I wish there was someone on here from the other side that could answer our questions honestly...would it help? I don't know... but it is truly so hard to understand how they could do this.

And the kids...oh my it's heartbreaking knowing what and how they have to deal with it. My 2 kids are adults too 21/22 and they've accepted it...the divorce and daddy's moved on with OW. But I know they don't respect him. Always take the high road!

I have my son's college graduation that I will be attending and X and OW will be there...my first time meeting her after 3 plus years... So F 'd up... It wasn't supposed to be like this...he is a totally different man. He would be devesated to know who he's become.

Prayers to you keep coming here...i would read read re-read post after post trying to ease my pain.

"I'm just like you. We will always love these men on some level. Unlike them, we don't easily dismiss the memories and life we shared together. So it doesn't matter WHY he was so cold to you, it matters that he IS. That has to be your motivating factor on letting go. It has helped me to think of it in the sense that the man I loved is dead and gone. The man he has become is NOT someone I would have fallen in love with or want to even spend time with. If he were'nt my exhusband/coparent, he would not even be in my social circle. "
Psi Chi hit it on the head when she wrote these words.
You also handled yourself well. Don't worry if you backslide it's normal. You have the human emotions of sorrow and regret. Your ex doesn't. Your ex is no longer the same person, do you really like this new one? Knowing that the new ex isn't the old husband may help you. It certainly helped me.

What really helped me in the beginning but was very hard for my head to get around was...why would I want to be with someone that didnt want to be with me. As hurtful as that was to realize...the bottom line was...I dont want to force someone, bribe someone, beg someone, guilt someone to be with me. If they want to leave...let them and give them what they think they want...you really dont have any other choice. These run away spouses do not define who we are and are not responsible for our happiness...that job is our own...let them go...Big Hugs...Kathy

What you're going through is totally natural and expected, Donna. Every time you see him or have anything to do with him, you will get stronger and more able to deal with the infrequent contacts. Keep the no contact going as much as possible, and I think what's happened here is exactly what Misred said. He was surprised to have you answer the phone and HE is the one who reacted badly. You, on the other hand, did really well considering what was going on inside you.

Every time you have to see him, someone said to be yourself and take the high road, and I agree. Not only will you feel so much better about yourself, but he'll be wondering how you got over him so easily - which is much better than having him go off feeling as though you want him more than ever, all full of himself.

I agree that PsiChi hit the nail on the head. As many of us have realised over time, we may continue to love the man/woman we married for ever, but this one who has left or caused us to be so unhappy that we chose to leave, are not the same people we married. People change. Everyone changes over the years. Unfortunately, some change so much that any relationship with them becomes impossible.

It looks as though your ex will now do things that will eventually make you glad that you no longer have to live with him. So, you could look at this very rude behaviour as one of the steps that will make your new life a whole lot easier to accept, and will actually push you along in your healing?

Make your list of things you don't miss about him. Add this to it. It'll help you find your strength each time you have a setback.

love and hugs
kamary

Despite family members awareness, scheduling a person who refuses to acknowledge your existence to the place you reside to attend a grandson's birthday party, is much like inviting a pit bull to a house of cats. I'm a lot like Judge Judy, everybody knows the two does not mix. Disruption of the household for the purpose of a non life changing event often seems to be the case [no offense ! ]

This is just me, but I'm not willing to allow others to put me in an uncomfortable engaging situation and dialogue. ...I'll go to the library first to avoid him!

Seems like a right on to dairy tech , thnx

Donna, has it only been a few months? If so, seeing your ex at a family event could be too much to handle and I personally don't think that you should push yourself to do this. Myself, I could never have handled this...in fact, I haven't laid eyes on the ex since he walked out of the house (after being kicked out by me!) after telling me that he was in love with the ow.

Only now, 2.5 years later, do I even THINK that I could be in the same room with him....and I would still avoid that at all costs! Some might argue that it's something that you eventually have to do, but I say...if you DON'T have to do it, then why push that button?

I would visit the party either before or after his attendance, and I'd ask my child to help to arrange that. I don't see that as any big deal. WHY put yourself through hell in having to face something that you're just not emotionally ready to face? Something to think about hon. Remember, it's about taking care of YOU first and foremost...for now anyway! Hugs