Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Tonight I answered my daughter's house phone by mistake thinking it was my other daughter. I answered "Hi Laura!" but I heard "Donna?" in a curt cold voice. It was my husband. So I said "Hi - how are you?' and he just said "Hi. Can you put Paula on the phone?" I can't tell you how upset I was and still am hours later. After 40 years he can barely tolerate a few seconds on the phone with me. I cried for awhile and had the most depressing night. I can't seem to shake it. I am wondering if it is because I still have hope that he misses me now and hearing how cold he was brings me back to reality that he wants nothing to do with me and can't even be friendly at all.
Or could it be his defense mechanism because he thinks I am doing fine without him? Or is he really a cold person who wishes I wasn't even around in his life at all? I have to be because we have 3 grown kids who are close to both of us but I have had almost no contact at all except for a few and far between emails about our tax return and he won't even address the emails with my name or sign his.
All of this is so very painful because I remember the closeness I thought we had for so many years. He seems to have forgotten any of it. I still love and miss him terribly. I want this to be easier because I can't hardly stand this sadness and depression. He is bringing my dogs back to me sooner than next month when I move into my own house because he said my oldest one is now blind in one eye and going deaf and seems very unhappy being home alone without him when he works. He does have my other old dog who is 12 but he is not a social dog who likes to play with the other one. Since I am living with my daughter and her family my husband asked her if they would be ok with that - they also have 3 kids (the baby twins and a 4 yo) and 2 dogs of their own. But it is fine with them and so I will have them soon. But I dread seeing my husband and I know he will probably come when I am at work so he doesn't have to see me at all. I guess that is better but I will see him anyway on May 10th because he is coming to our grandson's birthday party. I made a therapy appt. the day before to help get me through that.
How can I deal with this? My daughter heard me say hi and ask him how he was and she told me she was proud of me because of how I handled it. She told me to be proud of myself too but always defends her father when I say that I am hurt. She doesn't like to think that he is the cause of my pain because of how much she loves him. His decision to end this marriage has affected so many things and I am so angry with him for ruining our family.
I just want to be happy and not obsess about this loss and how everything is so different in a way I never wanted. I truly am trying my best but tonight I feel so discouraged and afraid I will not have a life that is a happy one and I feel this is such hard work and I am tired of it all.
Thank you for all the support you have given me in the past few months. I feel that you are caring and that is why I just vented tonight.
Hugs,
Donna
Or could it be his defense mechanism because he thinks I am doing fine without him? Or is he really a cold person who wishes I wasn't even around in his life at all? I have to be because we have 3 grown kids who are close to both of us but I have had almost no contact at all except for a few and far between emails about our tax return and he won't even address the emails with my name or sign his.
All of this is so very painful because I remember the closeness I thought we had for so many years. He seems to have forgotten any of it. I still love and miss him terribly. I want this to be easier because I can't hardly stand this sadness and depression. He is bringing my dogs back to me sooner than next month when I move into my own house because he said my oldest one is now blind in one eye and going deaf and seems very unhappy being home alone without him when he works. He does have my other old dog who is 12 but he is not a social dog who likes to play with the other one. Since I am living with my daughter and her family my husband asked her if they would be ok with that - they also have 3 kids (the baby twins and a 4 yo) and 2 dogs of their own. But it is fine with them and so I will have them soon. But I dread seeing my husband and I know he will probably come when I am at work so he doesn't have to see me at all. I guess that is better but I will see him anyway on May 10th because he is coming to our grandson's birthday party. I made a therapy appt. the day before to help get me through that.
How can I deal with this? My daughter heard me say hi and ask him how he was and she told me she was proud of me because of how I handled it. She told me to be proud of myself too but always defends her father when I say that I am hurt. She doesn't like to think that he is the cause of my pain because of how much she loves him. His decision to end this marriage has affected so many things and I am so angry with him for ruining our family.
I just want to be happy and not obsess about this loss and how everything is so different in a way I never wanted. I truly am trying my best but tonight I feel so discouraged and afraid I will not have a life that is a happy one and I feel this is such hard work and I am tired of it all.
Thank you for all the support you have given me in the past few months. I feel that you are caring and that is why I just vented tonight.
Hugs,
Donna
Toby and iammine-
The party is at a park for 2 hours with my daughter, SIL, other daughter, sister (who is still friends with my ex), neighborhood and preschool friends of my GS and their parents. I will obviously be ignored by him but I will take the high road as I have been doing. I remember how awful it was when my parents divorced when I was a teen and they had so much hatred for each other and refused to see each other no matter what. My mother did not even go to my sister’s wedding! They still have those feelings for each other over 40 years later. I am trying not to be that bitter old lady because it will eat me alive and hurt my children. He was a great dad to them so I try to remember that. Everyone keeps writing that he is changed and I should try to remember that so I get over him. Well, I still feel that he is the same but absolutely wants nothing to do with me. I replay the horrible things he said to me the day he ended the marriage and still take on so much guilt for my part in this nightmare. He is angry that his life has changed and that he doesn’t see his children so often as before because he lives 3 hours away. I know you all will say it was his choice but he told me that he had to leave or he would die of a heart attack from the anxiety of being with me. I know that he didn’t love me anymore but I just don’t know when he stopped during our 40 years together. He sure was a good actor or else I was extremely naïve and living in a fantasy world (probably the latter).
BTW- he is bringing my very old doggies back to me tomorrow while I am at work. It has been 8 months since I saw them and I feel so sad that I lost that time with them because they are 12 and 14 yo. and probably don't have a lot of time left. I’m sure he will go back home before I get home because he doesn’t want to see me. I am excited but again all of this is so bittersweet because we both love those dogs and I feel sorry for them that they can’t have us both. But they both love me so much and will be thrilled to see me again. I hope they can adjust to all these changes in their lives at their ages.
Have a good day!! Thank you so much for your support and advice!
Hugs,
Donna
ind to yourself and grieve the loss. That was so powerful for me. That was the lightbulb that went off for me. Hugs to you.
Believe it or not, now I just laugh at his stupidity and the way he is curt with me. It's his problem, not mine.
Sending a healing hug. It really does get better.
Believe it or not, now I just laugh at his stupidity and the way he is curt with me. It's his problem, not mine.
Sending a healing hug. It really does get better.