And for all of my vulnerability on this board, I didn't show it. I negotiated 6 more months of maintenance! Yup! HARDBALL and I said he is going to pay for COBRA and if I leave, he has to cut me a check for the amount I would get in COBRA for 6 months since it won't be useful in another state. I called his bluff. I said I know you want the divorce, as do I, and I know you are not going to drag it out. You're going to give me 2 years. In the end, he did. And ladies, I NEVER ASKED HIM ABOUT HIS LITTLE SLUT. DON'T CARE IF SHE PREGANT WITH TRIPLETS. I didn't care! He had the nerve to ask me to give his mother's pearls back! I laughed and said, I don't want them but I am not giving them back. Live with it!

Wowie! Way to go girl!
It's amazing the strength we can find when we dig a little deep. Good job standing up for yourself, for what's right. Good planning, and well done on handling yourself with dignity.
Good for you. I know you'll have moments when things hurt and are sad again, we all do, but I want you to remember this magnificent day! You handled yourself beautifully.

Thank you MNMama. I thought of you today and how you were supporting me and I said, yup, got plenty of people in my corner. I have also said something very important to myself. Sorry but I do not plan on EVER being second best to any man. I don't plan to compete with any woman for a man. If he loved me, there would be no competition. In the end, I am better than that. I don't want to live with a nasty, vile cheater! So, I always remember the cheating. YES, I will have tough days but I am NOT GOING BACK! Only forward now.

Thank you MNMama. I thought of you today and how you were supporting me and I said, yup, got plenty of people in my corner. I have also said something very important to myself. Sorry but I do not plan on EVER being second best to any man. I don't plan to compete with any woman for a man. If he loved me, there would be no competition. In the end, I am better than that. I don't want to live with a nasty, vile cheater! So, I always remember the cheating. YES, I will have tough days but I am NOT GOING BACK! Only forward now. No matte what happens, I have to embrace that my life is forever changed. That person will never be a part of it and it's probably for the best because he did not love and appreciate me. And I need and deserve better!

You are AWESOME and should be so proud of yourself! I know I'M proud of you! Anger is what got me through my divorce and it allowed me to go after what I deserved and not let the ex run me over. You've done the same and I bet it feels good. You go, girl!

BIG HUGS!!!

OMG......I'm so proud of you.....
You did great my dear.....
I know that it must have been very difficult, but YOU DID it.
All that i CAN SAY is WOW!!!!!!!!
I don't swear much but to me..your stbx. Is a real ASS. to say things to hurt you.
What goes around ,comes around......he'll get his.....his little college girl is not going to be around to long...
What a fool he is.....
OK,,,,, got to go....??
Wow !!!!
You. Did show him that the tide is turning.
Timeman

Hi startingover and Timeman, thanks for the words of comfort. I faked it as much as I could. I did what I needed to do so he won't see me crumble. But God he was nasty. He was so vile. But sadly, guys, today I am crumbling. Is this normal? As expected, seeing him has made me regress. I am hyperventilating and today a new symptom: I feel as if my heart was actually breaking. I FELT it. Last night, I woke up in a cold sweat. I said to myself, you are alone. He is gone. it's done. I just started panicking. Today, has been bad BUT I managed to prepare for class tomorrow, call for my transcripts to be updated, spent time alone with my 3 year old nephew. I am trying but my god, I feel as if he killed me. He feels so powerful, with one gesture he can make me happy again. I KNOW this is not good. I know this is co-dependency. I know this is pathetic. But I honestly don't understand how anyone recovers. Guys, I don't know when the ups and downs are going to stop. I feel that for the rest of my life, I will carry this man. He cheated, he lied, he left me and I am the one who is left holding the bag. Is it because he abandoned me and has robbed me a chance to leave? or to have my say? Shouldn't I be the one who instigates the no contact rule? Shouldn't he be begging me for forgiveness? I feel as if on top of everything he is the one in control. I am completely invisible. I don't count. He gets to sail off into the sunset without one backward glance. I have named him the Monster.

Good on you, PU!! I would love to have seen his face when he realised he has lost control of you. I am so proud of you. Good on you for sticking up for yourself, for doing what you had to do to get that mediation over and done with, and so good on you for showing him he means nothing to you now.

The way you feel today is a reaction to the strong stand you took yesterday. You had to be strong yesterday and that takes a lot out of you. It's quite natural for the nerves to set in the next day with tears, hyperventilating and maybe some shaking.

I had the heart pain bad. I think it's the physical pain of knowing it's over and the cord being broken. We have to detach from our partners and it's not something that just happens. We have years of connections and good times, and dreams of the future long held, that have to be let go.

I am currently having some healing treatments, and I had this heart pain again on Monday. It's the pain of lost love, of lost dreams and of letting go, the disappointment, the realisation that he isn't who we thought he/she was, that we have to go on alone. I'm 7 years out from decision day, and I still have more to let go.

You think he could make you happy again, but if you really think about it, maybe it would not be a lasting happiness? You would be back where you were before, only next time it would be worse. My ex and I almost broke up a number of times. We discussed issues. He promised to change. Within a maximum of three weeks, he'd be doing it again, only each time it got worse. Every time we give in to them, every time we forgive and trust, those sort of people (abusers) don't see our love and compassion;, they see someone they can do whatever they like to, who will still be there for more of the same. In other words, every time we forgave and gave them another chance, they lost respect for us.

He is only in control if you say he is. You can choose to be in control of your own self and your own life. If you tell the Monster to take a hike every time he rears his head in your mind, eventually it will become second nature. You DO count. You ARE worth so much more than you realise. You don't deserve to be treated the way he treated you. The trouble is, if we have spent a lot of time with someone who keeps telling us we aren't worth anything (whether it be verbally, emotionally, physically) we come to believe it in our hearts and minds. We need to fight back and realise that we have been conditioned by an expert to believe we aren't worth anything, that no one else will want us etc etc It's just not true and we need to start to believe it - to love ourselves and never ever tell ourselves the lies that our exes have burned into our brains.

It is time to really sail off into the sunset ourselves and leave them and the awful memories behind.

big hugs and lots of love
kamary

"Shouldn't I be the one who instigates the no contact rule?" The answer: No! When one perceives themselves as morally UNSIGHTLY, they hide !!!! In other words, they want nothing to do with someone who is good! Good makes them feel bad!

I understand the "heart" pain. It feels like an actual physical pain and I have experienced anxiety and fear like my blood running cold. That will get better but the sadness and feelings never go away completely. At least that is what I have heard. I'm 2 years separated and just got divorced so I still feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions. I hope to not have these feelings in the future. When I feel so bad I just think about how he ended a 33 year marriage - by phone and yelling how no one would ever want to be with me, etc. I was so shocked at his transformation into such hate for me. But I am starting to realize that a lot of it was due to issues he has. But startingover said it best - that she doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't want her. Neither do I and neither do you. Focus on your best qualities and his worst. I feel for you but you are doing great! Just come on to this group of great people for support when you feel on a downslide.
Hugs to you,
Donna

Guys, you are amazing. Thank you for the support. I have started reading a couple of books: How to fall out of love by Deborah Phillips; Who am I without you by Christina Hibbert and The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Andersen. I feel that these books have been helpful. I have also been seeing my counselor and today we had a good session. She said that basically she thinks he is jealous of me and the possibility I have. Imagine my shocked face because that certainly does not jive with what he said to me as he slammed the door (yes, slammed it shut) in my face. He said I would always be a mess, never get my life together and be a burden. That doesn't seem to be a man jealous of me. However, his dreams of being a research mathematican are over and well, I still am writing my dissertation. So maybe he is jealous that what may be possible for me? Don't know and don't care (at this moment.) I just plan on getting my life together AND BEING SUCCESSFUL. The counselor had a profound connection today: when I met him I had a life. I had life goals that I was actively working towards. I had a job. I was surrounded by friends and well liked. I did not want him. He kept following me around and I kept rejecting him. I guess he liked the chase. But little by little, he started working on me. We got together really quickly; within one month he had moved into my dorm room and since then we basically lived together. He was always around. Drove my friends off one by one. And made my world smaller. I became the dependent shell I am now. And all of a sudden I am of no use to him because I can't take care of his needy ass. Now I am the needy one. So he walks out. Classic abuse. So, I am slowly getting it. Luckily for me, I still have a second chance at my life. He didn't manage to totally destroy me.

Wow, good for you.
You're now taking charge of your life .
YOU CAN AND WILL DO IT

Wow! You put on your big girl panties and showed him there was a new sheriff in town!! Good for you for putting yourself first.

As for the pain, yes, it is normal but know that we all send love and sport across the miles.

Big hugs!

Support, not sport.

PU, good on you! You're using your smarts to leave a bully behind and make a good life for yourself.

I think your counsellor is on the money.

love and hugs
kamary