Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I recently saw a post on Facebook with a photo of an empty bench overlooking the ocean. The caption read "If you could sit on this bench and chat for 1 hour with anyone from the past or present who would it be?"
Immediately the thought popped in my head that I would want to talk to my ex and get some of the answers to the questions that have haunted me since my world fell apart nearly 2 years ago. I thought that maybe it would give me closure. Then, I realized that I really didn't want to talk to him anymore. He has nothing new to say to me that I care to hear. I see him now for who and what he really is, and he does not deserve an audience with me.
Then, feeling pretty good about myself for reaching the aforementioned conclusion, I began to mull over the question in my mind. I thought about my brother who passed away only 3 months before my separation. But, I've made my peace with his death, and I know he is in a much better place. I know I'll see him again some day.
Then, it hit me. The person I would want to talk with the most is the 18 year old ME. I would tell her that she is more precious than she believes herself to be and to ignore the negative comments from her parents and from others that she is anything less than wonderful. I would tell her that it's not okay for people to treat her with indifference. Indifference is the worst form of hatred there is. I would tell her that she is beautiful and kind and smart and capable. I would tell her to do the things that make her feel alive and free and disregard the pushing and prodding of others that she should just be content to be someone's secretary. I would tell her that life has many lessons to teach and to be open to them all without attachment to any particular outcome. I would tell her to approach everything she says and does with love and grace. I would tell her to cherish every moment of her life, especially the little moments that seem so fleeting but hold such a tender place in our hearts. I would tell her to never take anything or anyone for granted, as nothing is permanent. I would tell her to fiercely love herself first and foremost and take care to ensure that her needs are met before she tends for the needs of others. Only then can she approach her innate desire to give and help others from a position of wholeness and abundant generosity. I would tell her to fall in love with life and its miraculous beauty every single day. I would tell her to always remain curious and embrace her need to create and explore. I would caution her that not everyone who professes faith is genuine. True spirituality comes from the recognition that we are all interconnected and here to love one another just as we are.
Lastly, I would tell her to never, ever settle because she is worth so much more than she believes. I would tell her not to fear being alone, that sometimes it's the only way to fully appreciate all the blessings of life and to recognize just how amazing and capable she is. I would tell her that the boy who cheated on her and broke her heart so badly that she contemplated suicide at such a tender age will one day become her husband and, after 24 years of a marriage built on indifference, will deceive her and cheat on her again. He will try to crush her spirit. She will falter. She will, again, consider ending her life out of fear that there is nothing left for her. But, when she least expects it, she will get up and dry her tears and go to school and blossom into the woman she was always destined to become. She will be hurt. There will be scars. But, she will not only survive the devastation, she will rejoice in the discovery that she had within her all along the seeds of imagination, passion, and an enduring love.
Just before my one hour was up, I would hug my 18 year old self and tell her that everything will turn out okay in the end. I would tell her to have faith, to believe in herself, and to only give her heart away to someone who sees her soul and recognizes her worth and cannot imagine a life without her in it.
So, I ask each of you, who would you ask to share your empty bench for that one hour?
Immediately the thought popped in my head that I would want to talk to my ex and get some of the answers to the questions that have haunted me since my world fell apart nearly 2 years ago. I thought that maybe it would give me closure. Then, I realized that I really didn't want to talk to him anymore. He has nothing new to say to me that I care to hear. I see him now for who and what he really is, and he does not deserve an audience with me.
Then, feeling pretty good about myself for reaching the aforementioned conclusion, I began to mull over the question in my mind. I thought about my brother who passed away only 3 months before my separation. But, I've made my peace with his death, and I know he is in a much better place. I know I'll see him again some day.
Then, it hit me. The person I would want to talk with the most is the 18 year old ME. I would tell her that she is more precious than she believes herself to be and to ignore the negative comments from her parents and from others that she is anything less than wonderful. I would tell her that it's not okay for people to treat her with indifference. Indifference is the worst form of hatred there is. I would tell her that she is beautiful and kind and smart and capable. I would tell her to do the things that make her feel alive and free and disregard the pushing and prodding of others that she should just be content to be someone's secretary. I would tell her that life has many lessons to teach and to be open to them all without attachment to any particular outcome. I would tell her to approach everything she says and does with love and grace. I would tell her to cherish every moment of her life, especially the little moments that seem so fleeting but hold such a tender place in our hearts. I would tell her to never take anything or anyone for granted, as nothing is permanent. I would tell her to fiercely love herself first and foremost and take care to ensure that her needs are met before she tends for the needs of others. Only then can she approach her innate desire to give and help others from a position of wholeness and abundant generosity. I would tell her to fall in love with life and its miraculous beauty every single day. I would tell her to always remain curious and embrace her need to create and explore. I would caution her that not everyone who professes faith is genuine. True spirituality comes from the recognition that we are all interconnected and here to love one another just as we are.
Lastly, I would tell her to never, ever settle because she is worth so much more than she believes. I would tell her not to fear being alone, that sometimes it's the only way to fully appreciate all the blessings of life and to recognize just how amazing and capable she is. I would tell her that the boy who cheated on her and broke her heart so badly that she contemplated suicide at such a tender age will one day become her husband and, after 24 years of a marriage built on indifference, will deceive her and cheat on her again. He will try to crush her spirit. She will falter. She will, again, consider ending her life out of fear that there is nothing left for her. But, when she least expects it, she will get up and dry her tears and go to school and blossom into the woman she was always destined to become. She will be hurt. There will be scars. But, she will not only survive the devastation, she will rejoice in the discovery that she had within her all along the seeds of imagination, passion, and an enduring love.
Just before my one hour was up, I would hug my 18 year old self and tell her that everything will turn out okay in the end. I would tell her to have faith, to believe in herself, and to only give her heart away to someone who sees her soul and recognizes her worth and cannot imagine a life without her in it.
So, I ask each of you, who would you ask to share your empty bench for that one hour?
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
However, the first thing I thought of was to spend it with you. You have such a powerful mastery of putting your thoughts into words that move me. I am in awe of your enormous strength and loving heart. Whatever you write I find myself relating to most of it and wishing I was already evolved to the point you have reached. I worry that I may never get there as you have. Thank you so very much for always taking the time to write your thoughts and helping us get through this most devastating time in our lives. I know you have already helped me so much.
Hugs to all,
Donna
Keep doing what you're doing. You've been a great help to me and to others here, too. The most profound and miraculous part of this is that we all help each other. What a blessing to me that I get to know you and everyone here.
All my best,
Kim
I saw that on FB too. I picked my mom, who passed away 21 years ago when I was 29.
- my stbx no, she doesn't have the capacity to understand what she did so that path leads nowhere
- my daddy --- yes I could use a hug, the type he gave me when I was little and I could feel his stubble and smell old spice, the kind he gave me when I was a teenage asshole and he stood by me kept walking the walk by being a dam good man, the kind he gave me when I grew up and was able to see him for who he was and that I was so lucky to have him in my life, the kind he gave me out of respect for who I grew into,
The kind I need right now because I doubt myself so much
--- thankfully I have my mom, she is the best beyond words and has been tremendous for me throughout this whole ordeal
But God I miss my daddy when he died it was like the North Star being taken from the sky, I don't now how to navigate since that star is missing
I talk to my two brothers, they have all the qualities that my daddy respected so I do have that to keep my daddy close but man I could use a bear hug
Your dad must have been quite a loving father for you to have written those things about him. Cherish those memories as I am sure you have. You are so lucky to have a great mom that has been so helpful to you.
You sound like a wonderful man from reading your posts. Keep the bond with your brothers as it is a blessing for you to have them with such good qualities.
Remember that you have cyber hugs but I know we all need real ones too. I crave that because my husband was not affectionate for the 33 years of our marriage. I always wanted that display of affection but it was shown very rarely. Now my 3 year old grandson hugs me and tells me that I am beautiful and that he loves me. We have to appreciate whatever love we get from others.
Take care of yourself and keep posting.
HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!
Donna
I think I would want to say much the same things to my 18yo self. I also tried to commit suicide over my ex when I was 14yo. How do we love so passionately at such tender ages? Mine also cheated during our marriage and became emotionally and verbally abusive. Why do we love people who hurt us like that?? And I considered suicide again when my girls estranged from me, too. I guess when you reach rock bottom, the only way is up, right?
I would want to spend an hour with my grandfather, Dad's dad. He quietly and steadily loved his huge family, and sadly, he died when I was only 13 years old. I was the only one who got two goodbye kisses at his last Christmas:) I think he was a very wise man, and we could talk for much longer than an hour.
love and hugs
kamary
love and hugs
kamary
Today is my mother's birthday - she would be 82 if she were still alive. She passed away many years ago (1987) and I miss her every day. I would love to have an hour back with her to hear her voice and feel her love again. So many times during this divorce process, I have felt an acute need to seek comfort and support from my mom. Sometimes, I still need her "motherly" advice and affirmation. Wow - what a blessing an hour with my mom would be!
The image of the empty bench overlooking the ocean is very powerful for me because I pass just such a bench when I run down a trail near my house . As the trail opens up to the beach, there's a beautiful bench carved from a tree trunk. Every time I see it in the future, I'll remember Kim's post and I think I'll find myself sitting there sometimes just thinking about my mom, and that will be a gift . Thanks, Kim.
Kim - this was a great post and I love the idea of talking to your 18 year old self. If my parents weren't gone, I'd talk to my 17 year old me, or even back earlier than that my 13 year old self. But the things that have happened in my life have made me become the woman I am today and somehow even with all the bad, I wouldn't change it for the world - except I'd start saving my money earlier. LOL.
Every experience we have had and are going to have is for a reason. We either need to learn something or need to do something. The Universe has it's plan for us - all of us. It will all come to light when it wants us to see it.
I hope I've learned what I need to because from what I can tell learning is hard! ha ha ha ha :)