Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I recently saw a post on Facebook with a photo of an empty bench overlooking the ocean. The caption read "If you could sit on this bench and chat for 1 hour with anyone from the past or present who would it be?"
Immediately the thought popped in my head that I would want to talk to my ex and get some of the answers to the questions that have haunted me since my world fell apart nearly 2 years ago. I thought that maybe it would give me closure. Then, I realized that I really didn't want to talk to him anymore. He has nothing new to say to me that I care to hear. I see him now for who and what he really is, and he does not deserve an audience with me.
Then, feeling pretty good about myself for reaching the aforementioned conclusion, I began to mull over the question in my mind. I thought about my brother who passed away only 3 months before my separation. But, I've made my peace with his death, and I know he is in a much better place. I know I'll see him again some day.
Then, it hit me. The person I would want to talk with the most is the 18 year old ME. I would tell her that she is more precious than she believes herself to be and to ignore the negative comments from her parents and from others that she is anything less than wonderful. I would tell her that it's not okay for people to treat her with indifference. Indifference is the worst form of hatred there is. I would tell her that she is beautiful and kind and smart and capable. I would tell her to do the things that make her feel alive and free and disregard the pushing and prodding of others that she should just be content to be someone's secretary. I would tell her that life has many lessons to teach and to be open to them all without attachment to any particular outcome. I would tell her to approach everything she says and does with love and grace. I would tell her to cherish every moment of her life, especially the little moments that seem so fleeting but hold such a tender place in our hearts. I would tell her to never take anything or anyone for granted, as nothing is permanent. I would tell her to fiercely love herself first and foremost and take care to ensure that her needs are met before she tends for the needs of others. Only then can she approach her innate desire to give and help others from a position of wholeness and abundant generosity. I would tell her to fall in love with life and its miraculous beauty every single day. I would tell her to always remain curious and embrace her need to create and explore. I would caution her that not everyone who professes faith is genuine. True spirituality comes from the recognition that we are all interconnected and here to love one another just as we are.
Lastly, I would tell her to never, ever settle because she is worth so much more than she believes. I would tell her not to fear being alone, that sometimes it's the only way to fully appreciate all the blessings of life and to recognize just how amazing and capable she is. I would tell her that the boy who cheated on her and broke her heart so badly that she contemplated suicide at such a tender age will one day become her husband and, after 24 years of a marriage built on indifference, will deceive her and cheat on her again. He will try to crush her spirit. She will falter. She will, again, consider ending her life out of fear that there is nothing left for her. But, when she least expects it, she will get up and dry her tears and go to school and blossom into the woman she was always destined to become. She will be hurt. There will be scars. But, she will not only survive the devastation, she will rejoice in the discovery that she had within her all along the seeds of imagination, passion, and an enduring love.
Just before my one hour was up, I would hug my 18 year old self and tell her that everything will turn out okay in the end. I would tell her to have faith, to believe in herself, and to only give her heart away to someone who sees her soul and recognizes her worth and cannot imagine a life without her in it.
So, I ask each of you, who would you ask to share your empty bench for that one hour?
Immediately the thought popped in my head that I would want to talk to my ex and get some of the answers to the questions that have haunted me since my world fell apart nearly 2 years ago. I thought that maybe it would give me closure. Then, I realized that I really didn't want to talk to him anymore. He has nothing new to say to me that I care to hear. I see him now for who and what he really is, and he does not deserve an audience with me.
Then, feeling pretty good about myself for reaching the aforementioned conclusion, I began to mull over the question in my mind. I thought about my brother who passed away only 3 months before my separation. But, I've made my peace with his death, and I know he is in a much better place. I know I'll see him again some day.
Then, it hit me. The person I would want to talk with the most is the 18 year old ME. I would tell her that she is more precious than she believes herself to be and to ignore the negative comments from her parents and from others that she is anything less than wonderful. I would tell her that it's not okay for people to treat her with indifference. Indifference is the worst form of hatred there is. I would tell her that she is beautiful and kind and smart and capable. I would tell her to do the things that make her feel alive and free and disregard the pushing and prodding of others that she should just be content to be someone's secretary. I would tell her that life has many lessons to teach and to be open to them all without attachment to any particular outcome. I would tell her to approach everything she says and does with love and grace. I would tell her to cherish every moment of her life, especially the little moments that seem so fleeting but hold such a tender place in our hearts. I would tell her to never take anything or anyone for granted, as nothing is permanent. I would tell her to fiercely love herself first and foremost and take care to ensure that her needs are met before she tends for the needs of others. Only then can she approach her innate desire to give and help others from a position of wholeness and abundant generosity. I would tell her to fall in love with life and its miraculous beauty every single day. I would tell her to always remain curious and embrace her need to create and explore. I would caution her that not everyone who professes faith is genuine. True spirituality comes from the recognition that we are all interconnected and here to love one another just as we are.
Lastly, I would tell her to never, ever settle because she is worth so much more than she believes. I would tell her not to fear being alone, that sometimes it's the only way to fully appreciate all the blessings of life and to recognize just how amazing and capable she is. I would tell her that the boy who cheated on her and broke her heart so badly that she contemplated suicide at such a tender age will one day become her husband and, after 24 years of a marriage built on indifference, will deceive her and cheat on her again. He will try to crush her spirit. She will falter. She will, again, consider ending her life out of fear that there is nothing left for her. But, when she least expects it, she will get up and dry her tears and go to school and blossom into the woman she was always destined to become. She will be hurt. There will be scars. But, she will not only survive the devastation, she will rejoice in the discovery that she had within her all along the seeds of imagination, passion, and an enduring love.
Just before my one hour was up, I would hug my 18 year old self and tell her that everything will turn out okay in the end. I would tell her to have faith, to believe in herself, and to only give her heart away to someone who sees her soul and recognizes her worth and cannot imagine a life without her in it.
So, I ask each of you, who would you ask to share your empty bench for that one hour?
Thank you for sharing and you have all made my day just a little bit easier during the difficult process.