So sorry you have found yourself here, but this is a wonderful place to come for advice and support.

Thank you. I am really scared and hurt. Looking slowly at talking with a lawyer and see what I need to do.

In life you go from being innocent as a kid, to an adult and marriage. Then comes the kids and you think life is great then you go thru separation and then eventually divorce. Wow! Didn't see this happening!!!

I have had abuse, a miscarraige, my mom die-this is the most painful thing I've had to go through. I guess because the man I loved caused it.
Getting an attorney is so important-I had to be forced by a friend to do so in the beginning. Also, counseling is a must.
Good luck~

I was married 28 years, we had counseling, we lived apart on therapists suggestion, we reconciled, we split again. There were no other people. I came here divorced, the board had just started and never ever thought for me, divorce was an answer and I thrived.

Here is the best advice I got from my lawyer's paralegal. She was also divorced but had been remarried for 20 years. She said " You can not make someone love you, and you do not want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you" That is the bottom line. Once you figure that out and figure out that your wife is does not love you, no matter what she says, and that she has broke your trust and the relationship, you will do what you have to do, to move on and life will go on and you may thrive also.

Actions speak louder than words... take some action on your end. Get a consult with a lawyer, and find out what your options are in divorce in your situation. Look at your money and make sure you know where it is and where it is going. Do not mistake innocent for naive.. there is a difference. Divorce is not the end of your life and if she is with someone else, and she says she loves someone else, and that hurts and is scary, believe it. A divorce takes time and do not go " slowly" to a lawyer, getting your options explained to you does not mean you have to file or even get divorced. Knowledge is power in this. AND bring the last three years of your income taxes, a list of your assets and debts. Trust us on this!

I type fast.. besides welcome and sorry you are here... consider therapy for you. An objective therapist can help you navigate the roller coaster this is. AND not that you did anything wrong, for me owning my side in the marriage, good and bad, was the key to me going forward. My best to you!

Well, her proposal certainly indicates she had been THINKING for awhile. So, what else is up her sleeve might be the question. I caution, she'll drag this out for as long as she can. Sounds like she's got some strings but nothing permanent. She wants to be a roommate and not a wife. For starters, that phone of hers would turn up missing.

She is at her parents now. My trust in her was gone a long time ago due to finance problems she created and tons of other things, but I love her and I feel like a kid breaking up with his girlfriend. I was with her so long..... Don't know what to do.

Hi Go. I am sorry for your troubles. It is a devastating discovery. Many of us have been there. You are likely in shock right now. Try to breathe and think straight about your next move.

I hope you have someone whom you trust and can give you some support and guidance? Talk to this person yesterday! You need to make a plan, and when one is in shock it's hard to function. You may need someone else to assist you in making the decisions you need to make. And you do have many decisions to make.

You need to think about the kids. Do they know what is going on? If so, how much? Do you need to speak with them? This is a huge piece with older kids, because they understand so much.

No one here can tell you if your marriage can be saved. And there's not enough information for us to know.

Is your wife stable? Do you need to worry about finances? Perhaps you need to stop any joint credit cards etc. asap. People sometimes do crazy unexpected things financially when they are scared. See a lawyer!

Good luck, I'm sorry for your pain, but you will find some advice and solace here I hope. Stay strong! Best

Please read the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. Finding out about an affair and having your world turned upside down just isn't the time to make rash decisions. Even your wife isn't in a posistion to make decisions right now. When your partner is in the throws of an affair, it's a fantasy and they aren't thinking clearly. I'm certainly not defending her actions, but try to get past your anger and at least have a conversation with her. As my counselor told me almost 4 years ago, anger means you "feel".

I'm no poster child - my husband left me 3 months ago, but at least it wasn't for somebody else. Betrayal is devastating, especially being together that long, but it's still possible that you both have enough there to work through it.

Please google the book, and my thoughts are with you.

The man I married was NOT the man I divorced. It was like giving my worst enemy all the information about me. He knew my buttons and my weak spots and manipulated them well. Be strong--take care of YOU.

Same here, (((Shorty)))

Welcome here, gocubby. I'm really sorry this has happened. It does sound as though the affair's been going on a bit longer than a couple of weeks if she's had time to decide what she wants to do. I think you've done the right thing.

I agree with everything Iammine has asked. It's hard to think in the confusion and shock straight after a discovery like this. While it's important that you start getting your legals and practicals together, don't forget there are children involved and take care of your own health, too. Find a friend you can talk to, or go to a therapist yourself.

love and hugs
kamary

So sorry this is happening to you. I agree with the idea of therapy for you - I would also insist she goes with you too. Definitely check into locking down credit cards. Hope you have a good friend who can help you through this maze of emotions and trials. Welcome and hope you find strength and support here.
Cheryl

This is a very difficult situation, and painful. Infidelity, is a deception that is beyond heartbreak. I know, my ex was unfaithful to me for many years. I didn't know iniitially, once confronted he made amends but never accepted responsibility for his actions.
The betrayal and loss of trust is hard to accept. You will make it through this. You will survive. You have value, and deserve better!

Hugs
Nannie

I am sorry you find yourself in this position. I didn't see it coming either and still have many moments where I still cant believe this is happening, that my kids family is being ripped apart, our dream home that we built together is being sold, that every truth I thought I knew, was stolen from me. Try to take care of yourself and take steps to protect yourself financially. Divorce is an ugly ugly process. Stay strong!!

So sorry to see you joining us but welcome! This forum has been a wealth of information and support for me these past few months (for the same reason you're here), just knowing you're not alone can bring comfort on the roller coaster of emotions.

Head the advice you've already been given: 1) cancel credit cards in both names, 2) get a lawyer, 3) seek therapy or find a close friend/relative you can talk to, 4) if you're not sleeping, see your doctor about some sleeping medication (used it the first few weeks when my mind was racing in too many directions, a well rested night will help you get through the days), 5) do not blame yourself, you didn't choose this.

Once the initial shock wears off, days will get better!