I understand what you are going through. It seems so unfair that they get to do all this damage and just move on without any bumps in the road. No emotional devastation, no financial devastation. More often than not it's us that end up holding the short end of the stick. I know how scary it is and how the unfairness of it call can cause enough anger to make it all overwhelming.

My advice is to tackle one thing at a time. Your financial stability is priority. To give myself a small sense of control, I sat down wrote a list of all of my bills/debts. Really gained a clear view of how far short I was falling every month. Then I marked each bill as either a want vs need. Needs are things you truly can't live without (food, heat, home). Wants were things that make life nicer but I could do without for awhile. Things I could cut out just until I can get back on my feet. Cable was a great example of this for me. I was spending over $130 a month on cable. So I bought a Roku on amazon for $50, plugged it into my tv & connected it to my internet, now I stream everything. $8 a month for Netflix subscription and $8 for Hulu is a substantial savings. I still see all the shows I love. I honestly don't miss it. Even when I can afford it, I'm not sure I'll get it back.
After I was done cutting down all the non-necessities. I went back through my needs list and tried to figure out ways to save. For example: Although, I got the house in the divorce, it's rather expensive to maintain. I decided to sell and go back to apartment living for awhile. I usually like to have an extra room for guests, but for now I went down from a 4 bedroom to a 2, just to save even more. My 7 year old daughter never wants to sleep in her own room anyway. They may seem like small steps, but having an action plan and seeing that I could find ways to handle the hard stuff on my own gave me strength. I may have been dealt a shitty hand, but I'm not going to allow his actions to destroy me further. I'm not going to allow him to cause me to live the life of a victim.

There is something wrong here, what do you mean that you have to pay him anything. My ex tried that same song and dance. You might not, and that is a big might not get any alimony but he has to share the responsibilities for the children. I got a good chunk of his pension. And did that ever burn his up. I have always worked too. Please step back and think about this. He is playing a mind game with you. Do not fall for it. Hugs my friend and look after yourself. If you see him just smile and walk away.

I'm with knuckle on this. It seems wrong, but I don't know much about the legal side of things. If you have your daughter, surely he must have to help with her upbringing?

I did what EC has done. Did a budget and cut back where I had to. My ex refused to give me any money after I'd been gone for 6 months. His argument? "We agreed to a 6-month separation only". He did his homework well. If I took him to court for spousal maintenance, it would cost me as much to get it as what I'd receive.

They can get so devious. Maybe you could try talking to a different lawyer? Get a second opinion?

love and hugs
kamary

Check with another lawyer before you agree to anything. You will have to cut back on wants. Its hard to do at first but once you do away with that first want it gets easier.

I did away with the house phone. I only have my cell and a broad band card for internet. The cable is no more. I get six channels from an antenna. I get points on two credit cards and they are paid off monthly. I use them for gas for my truck and diesel in the farm equipment. I use coupons at the grocery. I now get my Levis at Goodwill for 5.50 a pair.

I can make more money boarding a few horses than I could working minimum wage. I have a large veggie garden every summer. String beans, asparagus, tomatoes, peas, butterbeans and okra are put in jars or freezer containers for winter. I also save all my change. Once you start cutting out the wants you realize you really don't miss what you gave up.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had a similar result when navigating the divorce. It isn't fair, but the court doesn't look for fair; they look for equitable. Pain and suffering should be taken into account, but aren't.

I know how you feel. I also was the responsible one and the EX is a big spender. I always worked low paying jobs except when the kids were to young for school. My highest paying job was 10 dollars an hour. No alimony in my state. I felt screwed because I had to pay half the debt that was due to his bad habits. Texlube is right....the court looks at equity.

Look at ways to save money. No matter what the outcome, you'll be okay

Broken - so sorry you are going through this. I say check with another lawyer. I don't have enough information to give you any better advice. My ex had to pay me off for his portion of equity to the house, however, since he did it in payments over the years, most of the money is gone. I did buy a car for our teenager with it. I was angry. He is supposed to pay child support and doesn't.

i now have a decent job but don't make that much money. I have had to do what everyone else here has done. Cut out everything that is more of a luxury than a need. It is kind of hard at first but gets easier. I think it was just training myself to live a new lifestyle....now I am happy as a clam!

Hugs

I'm sorry, brokenheart. It can't hurt to get a second opinion from another attorney. I've been concerned about the interest my retirement plan has earned since I've been married for so long. I hope my soon to be ex doesn't have any rights to it. Divorce sucks... Sending hugs and prayers your way

It's been three years for me, working fulltime and 2part-time jobs to take care of myself and my two boys who live with me, but I am proud of myself and I know you will make it. I struggled daily with "it's not fair" because he paid very little for my youngest and none for my middle because he was 19 when x left. They lived with me and still do, but middle pays his own way now.


It really stinks, and I'm sorry you are here. Take one day at a time

He didn't work? Didn't have any retirement account? Was he self employeed?

If you & he reach an agreement, it can be anything the two of you agree to. I was in much the same situation, I always worked, earned more. No child support but split kids expenses, (although still chasing that one). Ex & I kept our own retirement accounts, did not balance them out. Now your stbx may be a jerk & try to get everything he can from you, I don't know. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this, your posts read a lot like my situation. One day at a time. Stay strong.

Brokenheart - I learned from your profile that you live in New Jersey which is an EQUITABLE DISTRIBUTION STATE. This is a good thing! Don't let some lawyer tell you that you are going to have to pay the runaway husband a dime! Equitable Distribution means what is FAIR -- and not necessarily EQUAL. There are a lot of attorneys out there who just want you to settle (and quickly) out of court instead of being willing to litigate your case.

There are a lot of factors which go into a court's consideration when making a property settlement. Go to this website address and EDUCATE YOURSELF! It can make a huge difference in your financial future.

http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/newjersey/new-jersey-property-division-4748.shtml

He was self-employed and managed to wreck every "company" he ever created. I felt so blessed these last two years because he has a good-paying job with a company. We were supposed to finally be able to move forward after our bankruptcy and foreclosure. I have been the steady one over the years. I have taught at the same school for 25 years. Now I wish I hadn't supported his every stupid decision.

Hi broken,

So sorry you're going through this. I just learned about this from chump lady: "Certified Divorce Financial Adviser:A member of the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts who specializes in the financial issues surrounding divorce. The role of the CDFA includes acting as an advisor to one party's divorce lawyer, or as a mediator for both parties. A CDFA uses his or her knowledge of tax law, asset distribution, and short- and long-term financial planning to achieve an equitable settlement."

Maybe you should see if there is a divorce attorney in your area who has one of these people working with them. If your ex had an affair, people like this can do forensic work to find out if marital monies were spent on the affair. This is money that you're entitled to recuperate.

It might be as your lawyer said, but a second opinion probably wouldn't hurt. You would try to get a second opinion for a serious medical problem so I don't think it's that far of a stretch to get a second opinion for a serious legal problem.

I wish you luck.
http://lemaym1.wordpress.com/

Why doesn't he have to 'pay much'? He still needs to support the kids even if you work I would think.

Re your pension, pensions are considered assets, so it's pretty common to have to split them. I got half of my ex's pension and I damn well deserved it! HIS employer might have helped it to grow, but his contributions from his pay were MY contributions as well the way I see it!

Division of assets and support negotiations are some of the worst parts of divorce, outside of the emotional anguish. I hated dealing with it, was always doubting if I was getting good advice or making good choices. It's tough, even if you do your research. Hugs of encouragement to you!!!