Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
My soon to be ex and I have been talking regularly for the past 2 weeks. We "decided" at the very least after 21 years together we should try to be friends. Since I left NY to visit family, I got my drivers license and he has begun to get interviews for gov't jobs which would mean him relocating out of NY. I have become supportive of him leaving his current job (which is a very secure job) BUT he is extremely, extremely miserable at it. I am sure that one of the reasons our marriage fell apart is because he had to come back to NY and take this job. NY is tough. We lived in a pretty bad, high crime neighborhood; didn't have a washer or dryer or outdoor space in the apt; and we have found various hypodermic needles just shrewn by. We both worked very hard but our living conditions were bad. I guess I am saying this because I have come to an ACCEPTANCE that it was an unhappy, uncivilized and nasty way to live. So, I support his decision (not that I have a say) because I realize that he was and is unhappy with quality of his life and the job. If he wants to quit then it is not my place to say no. I am pretty sure my not supporting him leaving this job was part of our marriage falling apart. So, once I have become supportive of his endeavors and have been trying to find my own way (first the license and working toward certification), our conversations have been friendly and pleasant. We do not talk about the marriage, the divorce or the pain that lies between us. But this is all coming to an end next week. I have to go back to NY. I will see him next week Wed or Thurs because I have to give him the documents I signed to get my name off the lease . It means for the first time in about 2 months, I will have to see him again. I am sure at some point soon, the divorce proceedings will come up. Guys, I don't know how I am going to do it. I am a mess. It's like all the anger has faded and what we have left is the death of a marriage and of a love I thought would last forever. It's real pain now, knowing the end is actually here. How do I look at him. The death of my marriage is finally here. Everything I had been hiding behind is gone and now I have the reality that it's truly over. We are now working towards friendship. My love hasn't died. I don't know which is worst: the kindness or the hatred of me. I have no trust in him. I had managed to somehow bury that terrible pain the last few weeks, getting my license and hanging out with family. But that pain is still there. I am scared of looking at him. How am I going to cope when I finally have NO HOPE that he would want to get back together, that all he wants is friendship and when he does ask for the divorce. I hope the lord has mercy on my soul and take me through it
It's time to stop supporting him now. Start giving that love and attention to yourself. It's ok to feel this way. All the emotions that come up are ok. Let yourself feel them and take some time to think them through.
You can't change him, no matter how supportive and helpful and loving you are to him. He's got his own agenda. However, you can change you. As you said, it takes a lot of work but you can learn to stop wishing he was different and accept that this is how it is now. It's time to put all your efforts into loving yourself.
big hugs and lots of love coming your way
kamary
You're right. Abusive manipulators are not grateful for what you do for them. They don't show appreciation. They can't empathise. They just take, and get angry when we won't do what they want. Your sister isn't hampered by the rose-coloured glasses we wear when we love someone.
I came to the realisation that I was an abused woman during suicide counselling not that long after our divorce was made final, and my girls estranged from me due to my ex's Parental Alienation. It comes as a shock, and the anger is actually at ourselves for being so gullible we didn't see it!
He's right. It's time to meet him and nut out the finer details of divorce, BUT not until you've seen your legal representative. You did everything you could to save your marriage, so you can contact your legal representative now without one ounce of guilt.
Talk to your legal guy before you talk to your ex, so you know what you're entitled to, and how to proceed so you get everything you deserve after all these years.
love and hugs
kamary
BIG HUGS
SO
You can make anything your panacea - a glass of water, a panadol, a coffee, a quick walk round the block. Use anything that's unharmful to help yourself settle down.
Find a Bible passage or make up your own mantra that makes you feel better. Even a simple "I can do this" repeated over and over, will help. I used to look into my own eyes in the mirror and say "I love and accept myself" (that's Louise Hay "You Can Heal Your Life" - look her up on the net - she's wonderful)
Breathe. The trick to reduce stress and panic is to breathe out for longer than you breathe in. So for example, it's a count of 4 as you breathe in, hold for 3, breathe out for 6.
I definitely would not be asking him to try again. I would stay away from him other than to go and get that lease signed over and discuss whatever else, but don't let him see how upset you are. Dress well. Put your make-up on. Do your hair nicely. Keep it business. Chin up. Back straight. You are worth so much more than he knows.
You will feel so good about yourself after this.
love and hugs
kamary
I would write down exactly what needs to be said and done. Just facts. Bring it with you.
1. Get mail
2.Sign over lease
3. Discuss division of property or whatever it is you 2 are supposed to talk about.
Do NOT talk about the past.
DON'T let feelings of what he used to be like take over. Fact is, he is NOT a good person and he does NOT care about you.
Write that down and refer to it often. Remind yourself of how he has treated you.
That's what I did and it helped. I also reminded myself of one really BAD event that my ex did to me that I will never get over. Think of something your ex did to you that was degrading, humiliating, hurtful and remember it when you start to feel weak. It works. It brings back the anger and can help you get through this.
You will make it.