Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
My soon to be ex and I have been talking regularly for the past 2 weeks. We "decided" at the very least after 21 years together we should try to be friends. Since I left NY to visit family, I got my drivers license and he has begun to get interviews for gov't jobs which would mean him relocating out of NY. I have become supportive of him leaving his current job (which is a very secure job) BUT he is extremely, extremely miserable at it. I am sure that one of the reasons our marriage fell apart is because he had to come back to NY and take this job. NY is tough. We lived in a pretty bad, high crime neighborhood; didn't have a washer or dryer or outdoor space in the apt; and we have found various hypodermic needles just shrewn by. We both worked very hard but our living conditions were bad. I guess I am saying this because I have come to an ACCEPTANCE that it was an unhappy, uncivilized and nasty way to live. So, I support his decision (not that I have a say) because I realize that he was and is unhappy with quality of his life and the job. If he wants to quit then it is not my place to say no. I am pretty sure my not supporting him leaving this job was part of our marriage falling apart. So, once I have become supportive of his endeavors and have been trying to find my own way (first the license and working toward certification), our conversations have been friendly and pleasant. We do not talk about the marriage, the divorce or the pain that lies between us. But this is all coming to an end next week. I have to go back to NY. I will see him next week Wed or Thurs because I have to give him the documents I signed to get my name off the lease . It means for the first time in about 2 months, I will have to see him again. I am sure at some point soon, the divorce proceedings will come up. Guys, I don't know how I am going to do it. I am a mess. It's like all the anger has faded and what we have left is the death of a marriage and of a love I thought would last forever. It's real pain now, knowing the end is actually here. How do I look at him. The death of my marriage is finally here. Everything I had been hiding behind is gone and now I have the reality that it's truly over. We are now working towards friendship. My love hasn't died. I don't know which is worst: the kindness or the hatred of me. I have no trust in him. I had managed to somehow bury that terrible pain the last few weeks, getting my license and hanging out with family. But that pain is still there. I am scared of looking at him. How am I going to cope when I finally have NO HOPE that he would want to get back together, that all he wants is friendship and when he does ask for the divorce. I hope the lord has mercy on my soul and take me through it
You can be so proud of yourself, the way you've handled this so far, and the fact that you've got your licence. That will help you hold your chin up too.
It always takes two to make a relationship work. I think we can all look back and see things we've done that might be the reason it didn't work. The main reason marriage doesn't work is because one partner stops working on the relationship - period. He stopped, so please don't blame yourself.
You're going to be just fine when you see him. I hope the friends thing works for you. My ex is not friend material, unfortunately, but plenty of people do remain on good terms.
love and hugs
kamary
Being civil when you're together is a good thing. Manners make any interaction easier and smoother. Bickering, arguing, abuse, snarky, cutting remarks don't help anyone. With that said.... he is NOT your friend. He's not your partner anymore. You're right not to trust him.
Don't let your guard down, don't let him take advantage of you legally or financially with friendly words. You need to watch out for yourself at this time. He's not coming back, and he's demonstrated selfishness already. Have you consulted a lawyer before giving him the apartment? He may have been planning this a long time and you need information and help to keep from being taken advantage of.
Not being angry is OK, I had very little of that, just overwhelming sadness. I kept a civil tongue in my head, AND I paid attention to what he was asking for and doing to us. He asked for half of what we had, but refused to acknowledge he'd stolen and spent over a third of what we'd saved in the last few years of our marriage. He also earns nearly twice what I do, so I asked for help with the car payments for a few years, I asked a little more to care for our pets. It wasn't "just" considering how many thousands of dollars he'd frittered away on his addictions, but it was "equitable" in the eyes of the law and gave me a bit of help getting on with my life alone.
Keep your eyes open, get some legal help, feel free to vent here, and take good care of you. You have to rely on yourself now, so commit to getting through this as well as you can.
Take care and good luck with the meeting. You can do this.
Your stbx is not your friend. Why would you want someone who is treating you badly as a friend? Mail the papers to him after you see an Atty.
You're doing great. Keep it up! HUGSSS
love and hugs
kamary
Please be careful he is either not trying to butter u up or on a fact finding mission to get the advantage why you are so vulnerable !