PU...Isn't everyone on here just the best?! Kamary always gives such great advice and darirytech did too today. I am not yet at the forgiving and loving stage as she is...maybe some day. I feel that you expressed your feelings so eloquently. I could have written the exact things you did on your post this afternoon. I feel that I still love and miss him so much but why do I after the way he ended our marriage? You and I definitely have some codependency but I think someone wrote that it is normal after such a long marriage. I agree with the others that you are doing fantastic considering this is so recent. I am 2 years since being left and just divorced and that is supposedly also quite "new" in the healing process. Wish we could do it quicker. I will tell you that it is normal to have such highs and lows. I am now in a very low period - depressed and lacking motivation to move on but this is not my "norm." I know that it will probably pass even though when you are in such a funk it seems that it will never end. Just expect to be feeling "crazy." There is a book - I think it is called "Crazy Time" but I'm not sure - maybe someone on here can verify. It is good to read in the beginning of a breakup. Keep your winning attitude and when it's down just know it will be better again. I know that you will have an opportunity to love another someday. You are young, beautiful, kind and successful. Do what Kamary suggested - she knows!!!!
Hugs,
Donna

Yes, it is so true, everyone on this board gives such helpful advice. It's great. If only, it were that easy to follow. Sciteacher, I think you and I have very similar stories, somehow. I think I am struck by how you also said you don't have any contact with your ex after such a long marriage. The idea of never seeing them again is really, really the worst thing I have to come to grips with. Even before the relationship of man and wife, my stbx and I were best friends. I mourn our friendship. I am wondering if perhaps your ex-husband was going through a midlife crisis. I think mine DEFINITELY is ( think I am going to post this in a separate thread so others can respond). I have read a blog about the 6 stages of a midlife crisis by Jim Conway and it is so spot on that I can't believe it. I definitely think my stbx husband is going through a midlife crisis and engaged in an exit affair. Definitely the marriage is over. It is such a destructive behavior. In a way, it made me feel better because I realize there is NOTHING I can do and this is about him, not me. I would have been happier if he spent money instead of a have an affair and leave but it is done.

Finding a lump is scary. I found one this year and went for a second opinion and it was just one of those
lumps we get nothing to worry about.

Have you thought about going to school to be a nurse? That would maybe take care of the urge to comfort
people.

You sound like you are starting to cope with life. Just a little and that is a step in the right direction.

I have been gone a year still not divorced. I keep myself busy but I still miss not him but some of the
family life we had togather..

Hugs Dee

Kathy, you said everything just how I think it is, and you described one of the healthiest ways to deal with divorce - healthy for our own ongoing self-esteem, self-confidence and self-love. I totally agree that maintaining anger and resentment, and looking for revenge, are not going to make us happy.

I am one of those who chose to make the break after too many years of him treating me as though he wanted to make the break. I believe he stopped loving me long before I decided to leave. I asked my therapist the question again on Friday "Why didn't he go? Why did he stay and treat me so badly while he cheated and flirted and spent most of his life apart from me?" Her answer was that he had a warm house to come home to with the cooking and laundry done. He didn't have to go grocery shopping or do his own ironing. He just went to work or off on his bike rides or whatever, and when he came home, miraculously, there was food, clean clothes and for a very long time, a willing partner. Much of our final unhappiness was caused by the fact that that willing partner became very unwilling! When I said I wanted to go that last time, he didn't break down and cry or say he wanted me to stay and he would work at being a better partner as he had done so many times in the past. My therapist said it was because he had found someone else who could fill my role and was willing. She made it quite clear that, as long as I was willing to settle for less and still put out in bed, he would have stayed. The thing is, my self-respect would not allow me to settle for less and put out any longer. My soul felt as though it was dying, and I had to get out.

It was all about him, not me. As you said, sciteacher, NOTHING I could do made any difference over 20 years. He had made his decision but wasn't willing to go as long as he got most of the things he needed at home plus had his outside life. He had it made, and I was miserable.

My ex also showed the classic signs of mid-life crisis in the last couple of years. It was when he drove that red sports car up the driveway that my heart lurched so badly that I had to sit on the stairs, and I 'knew' that car was the sign that it was almost over. I chose to ignore many signs and intuitions over the years. I loved him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought that lovely guy I married was in there somewhere and would one day reappear. I didn't want to give up, but the day came when I simply couldn't continue treating myself as if I didn't matter.

PU, you are doing really well. Sciteacher, you are doing so much better than you were even a few months ago. It's hard to see your own progress but we on the outside looking on, can see it. You're both going to be just fine.

love and hugs
kamary

SO, I think that there are so many reasons that our husbands leave us. It many be a mid-life crisis but as kamary wrote they have not been a committed partner for a long time before they leave. When I look back now I can see that a lot was not right but I chose to ignore it as we all did. I just didn't want to believe he didn't love me with all of his heart. I excused it as "it is just part of his personality," "he is miserable at work," "he has depression issues," "he is so tired," "he doesn't like to talk," "he needs to have down time,".... and the list goes on. I had him on a pedestal and didn't see these red flags. He never cheated on me but was as my therapist said "emotionally unavailable." I knew that I did not receive emotional and physical intimacy as much as I felt was acceptable but excused that too. I did affect my self-esteem. So although you will try and try and try to figure it all out you won't ever really know what he thought and why he did what he did. Even if he would explain it all it most likely wouldn't be the whole truth. I had a therapist tell me to not dwell on the reasons and instead move on to the future. It's hard to do that but constantly trying to figure this all out is exhausting and serves no purpose. I understand how badly you miss his friendship. I thought he was my best friend too and he never told me that he was miserable with me until the day he left. There are so many things to work through and it is so hard but you will be strong and do it. For someone in such an early stage of separation you are doing remarkably well. The awful times are necessary to get better. Just roll with them and then there will also be better days ahead. Concentrate on your work and your dissertation and get joy from that. I admire kamary who decided to leave her ex - at least she knew when it was time to let go. I probably would have stayed forever even though I was not really happy. I keep saying that I was happier then more than now (I am much lonelier now and still have the shock and rejection to deal with) but at least now I have a chance to meet someone who may love and appreciate me. I wouldn't have had that chance when I was married to my ex because I never looked at anyone else or thought about cheating at all.

Thanks Kamary for the inspiration and encouraging words. You have been such a source of strength and friend. I hope you are also doing well lately. Let me know how you have been.

Much hugs and love,
Donna