I so know that feeling. I always found it hard to buy into the keep yourself busy, try a new hobby advice every gave me.

As soon as that activity was over I had a feeling of dread and a total let down.

I think its because we are still getting used to be home alone knowing else is going to come.

When my kids are with me, they go to friends, or ignore me for hours. I could care less and don't notice that I spend the majority of the day alone. But when they are gone, I suddenly notice the emptiness.

(((hugs))) this will pass and get easier with time

The overwhelming grief of not having someone who truly care solely for me (after 22 years) is soul crushing. It's true that for the last couple of years, I was in it alone but he was still there physically and I could still approach him---though it was still such a lonely existence. Everything feels bad right now. I just don't know which corner to turn. The job search seems hopeless and endless. I feel as if I am slowly dying.

I went through this too. Even though our physical marriage had ended years ago (he told me physical intimacy with me made his sex addiction worse-- wow the crap I believed!), I still had him to talk to, share memories with, cook for, or cook for me, even just to watch a movie or sit in the back yard with.
It wasn't easy, it wasn't fast, but I am getting used to being alone by myself again, not the alone with him that we had for years.
In the long run, looking back, I'm better off now. I don't have to deal with the drama, being blamed for him being what he is, the criticism, the lies and deceit, however, I still have moments where I really want to share something with him, but now it's more his loss than mine.

Your psyche is duping you into the belief you are missing "IT" happens frequently. Psychology explains we when we are putting attention on the recall , we mistakenly miss it. You know you don't miss the abuse. It is a trick trying to convince you to hold on to the horrible dream dispite "IT's" flaws. Some people use constructive busy time and healthy diversion to keep their thinking FOCUSED away.

You are confusing your desires with your needs. You need safety, clarity, and protection away from those who harm you emotionally and physically. Give that to yourself first!!! Get yourself into a live support group of woman at your local church; sisterhood will teach you how to be a strong survivor.

Having a bad day, guys. Today is not good. found a lump, so I have to go to see our doctor. I am dreading the lump (though I am sure it's fine) but this is OUR doctor. He knew us. We always went in together. Now I will have to tell him. He will be shocked and devastated. I mean it will be brutal. On top of that I am missing him again. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that it is over. I thought I was past this stage. Now here I am . There is no contact. I should be doing better. It's bad again

Sorry to hear about the health scare. Hope all is well with that.
The healing and grieving comes and goes in fits and starts. Some days you have 3 steps forward, others, 12 back. It's OK. Just keep focused on doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, maintain no contact, and get some outside support to help you through it. You'll have better days after the hard ones, I promise.

(((PU))) finding a lump is scary and as you say, not necessarily anything to worry about. I had a scare years ago. It's no fun. The lump I have now has a name 3 feet long and will never be cancer, so here's hoping and praying. Tell yourself 'I have a strong and healthy body and I love and accept myself' over and over.

It will be hard to tell your doctor. I'm sure he'll be very understanding. My doctor has been one of my strengths through the divorce and the estrangements from my girls. Let your doctor know everything. Maybe he can suggest a women's group for you. My doctor recommended the therapist I see whenever the chips go down.

No wonder you're missing your stbx at the moment. I just had a scare myself and it would have been nice to have someone beside me. You'll be surprised who will be there for you. Try reaching out to a friend or a colleague.

All the firsts are hard, yet over time you realise it gets easier. You learn to give yourself the credits and celebrations you deserve to have. It's early days for you yet, and you can expect this sort of yo yo business.

Thinking of you and praying for you. Let us know how you go.

love and hugs
kamary

Hello,
Gee , I sure remember those feelings. I know .....not very good.
You will have these ups and downs..... Work your way through them.....try to keep busy.
Just to let you know....thinking about you and praying.
Bob

Your feelings are normal. I am 3 years post-divorce and I still feel that way at times. For instance, today I had a busy morning and then met a good friend for lunch. We had a lovely time. On my way home, I felt somewhat "down". Feelings of sadness still linger for me. Although my life is busy with job, church, friends, etc.....none completely fill the emotional void in my life since the divorce. I miss the emotional intimacy that I think only a marriage or committed relationship can provide.
Sorry you are having to deal with this scare with the lump. It's probably nothing, but it's still something you have to deal with. Hope all turns out well.

thanks guys. I think I just wish I had someone to love, to take care of. I just have a longing to just take care of someone I love. My stbx was so broken and I always felt that he needed me. From day one, I was so protective of him. I was so lonely when he came into my life and I was so happy to have someone love me so much but I was so happy to FINALLY have someone I can take care of, to pour all of my love into. I just used to love stroking his hair or rubbing his back. I guess it's really pathetic that I am so needy that I need to take care of someone. I don't have children. Oh, how I wish I did! I would just dedicate my whole heart them. I just feel so empty. I just wish I had someone to take care of. I think there must be a co-dependency there? is this normal to want to take care of someone so much? I just feel so empty. I am sorry if others are feeling the same thing. lonely planet

Of course you're going to miss taking care of him. There'd be something wrong if you didn't enjoy taking care of the man you loved. I reckon you'll find someone else to love one day. At the moment, you need to allow yourself to do the grieving. It's ok to feel sad and cry. It's ok to miss having someone to talk to when you get home, especially when there is something to celebrate. If you don't do the grieving now, you'll interrupt your life down the track to do it, so you may as well get into it now, feel it as hard as you possibly can, cry hard, and when the crying is done, love yourself.

Give yourself the love and attention you've been giving everyone else. Get a massage, a pedicure, have a nice haircut, and take a bubble bath, sipping wine and reading a good book. Tell yourself how lovely it is to spoil yourself. Listen to yourself if you want to talk. Talk out loud and answer yourself too. Buy yourself the things you would like that will make you feel good. Love you. Eat good healthy food and drinks. Go for a walk or exercise the way you like. Dance madly to your favourite music.

Emptiness comes when you need to love you and take care of yourself. It's your turn now.

love and hugs
kamary

I think a lot of us feel this way. I would love to share my life with someone...have them care/look after me and I them...we are women and we are nurturers. However...when you couple that basic need with the devastation divorce brings...that need is amplified and it gets all mixed up with negative emotions. It becomes hard to identify and separate your basic core self from the wounded confused and angry self. All perfectly normal considering you are in the early stages of recovery.

PU...although you may not feel this way...you are doing really well. You are asking all the tough questions and seeking answers. Divorce recovery..for me anyway...is like peeling an onion..each layer exposed has all the emotions of the previous layer only to a lesser degree...the same questions are asked and sometimes we get different answers...that is good. With each layer you gain a little more understanding of yourself and your situation..you start to own what is yours and what isnt...most importantly...with gaining that bit of understanding with each layer...you see yourself differently and even start to value yourself more which leads to self love...the kind we all should have learned years ago...the kind that only we can give to ourselves...this is the type of love that heals our wounds..no on can do this for us. When you get closer to the core of the onion..you are actually getting closer to the core of yourself...your euthenics self with great love of self and in turn...a healed soul..which allows you to move through your world and all it throws at you with confidence. Whole people attract whole people...like attracts like...Big Hugs..Kathy

I would just like to add...and this took me a while to figure out...keep in mind...this is what worked for me...it may not work for anyone else. Divorce is something that happened to me...yes I had a part to play in it and I owned it...I learned how to forgive myself for that part played...however...I learned that divorce is not what I am. It does not define who I am. I will never get " why " and " how could he " answered...I'm not sure he has all the answers anyway...besides...at the end of the day...it really doesn't matter...it happened and I have to deal with my end of it. This is my life...this is my obstacle to overcome...this is my life's lesson. He did what he did for his reasons and I am left to deal with the repercussions of those decisions. This does not make him an evil person....he was simply following what he thought was his life's path and I simply was not part of that path. I had to ask myself...what would I have done if I was in his shoes? If it was me that was so unhappy for so long...would I have done the same thing? I may have done it differently but I probably would have. There are a few people on here who were the ones to leave...they went through years of struggle before doing what they needed to do for themselves and they are good people and we love them. So...although some of our ex's chose a real shitty way to leave..they were following their hearts...for what ever reason and we were left to deal with our end of it. When I started to look at my divorce this way...it helped ease the pain and understanding started to form. This does not mean I like what he did...this simply means he is human and he was searching for himself rather than doing it to me out of meanness and spite. It helped calm the anger and allowed me to think clearer on what I needed to do for myself.

As hurtful as this is...sometimes people fall out of love. Its not that the other person was bad...its just that it wasn't a fit for them any longer. Its unfortunate that 20ish years has gone by...but its better than 40ish. Its also unfortunate that sometimes the leaver makes the marriage unbearable in the process...cheating and lying is damaging...I chose to see this as immature and cowardly...they are incapable of simply being honest about wanting out. Regardless...both have there difficulties.

At the end of the day...this divorce is all about you. You are the important one. You have to find a way to heal and move on with your life. These are your wounds. You can only heal yourself. You can not fix him. He is no longer your priory nor your problem. I am a firm believer in Karma...I've seen it happen to many times not to. He will have to reconcile this down the road...by that time...you will be well on your way to living your new life...Big Hugs...Kathy

Thank you guys. I appreciate the feedback. Your answers are helpful. The truth is I am going to have to feel it and just find a way to live with it. I am not there yet.I pray for the day when it will come.. The truth is after everything he has done to me, I still love him and will always love him. I guess because I didn't fall out of love, I can't understand that he did. But I guess people do fall out of love. Though I must say, I think once you love someone, I still can't comprehend how you can stop loving them. Again, I guess it's because I didn't stop loving him. Our problems were workable. He didn't want to work on them because he found someone else and wants to build a life with her. When that happens, everything about me and our life became bad. So, I have to somehow accept this. He loves someone else, wants a life with her and he simply does not want me. Everything else on his part has been motivated by guilt and anger. Knowing that for years he may have been thinking about leaving me and not saying anything is really devastating. I had no idea and continued to invest in him and loved him. To think, he didn't feel that way and was actively thinking of how and when to leave me is soul crushing. He used me. Was probably hating me or worse, willing himself, trying to love me. He just couldn't bring himself to love me. And it became much easier when he found someone else. So the lies and deceit had begun much earlier.It would be easier if it were just an affair but it wasn't. It's a rejection of me. have to simply accept this.

PU..I felt and do feel the same way. I did not fall out of love with my ex...he fell out of love with me. I gave myself permission to love him anyway. Anger and hate does not sit well with me...it was easier to love. The emotions I feel are mine and I have a big heart. There is plenty of room for other loves. The love I have for him is nicely packed in a box with pretty wrapping paper and placed on a shelf in my heart. Acceptance and forgiving helps do that. You will get there PU...I have no doubt.