Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

Our marriage was all about the penis

Kellyb711
Kellyb711
Because of his porn addiction, the last 15 years of our marriage revolved around the penis. Can it get up? Can it stay up? I had been rejected by him so many times physically, that I think I just resigned myself to the fact that I was undesireable. When we sought counselling after the affair, he finally opened up about the addiction (only because I caught him at it). I had no idea how serious it was. Many experts say it's worse than crack or heroin. Our counsellor said it is epidemic. He really worked on it for several months through online programs and a support group for addicts. Sadly, there really aren't too many programs in our area that deal with it. I put parental controls on all the computers, but then he just turned to looking at celebrities and any other sites he could find. I actually came to hate Beyonce because I always felt I was competing with her. I put up with it for so long that my counselor says I'm an enabler. It's an insidious thing and you don't really see it happening to you.

That is one thing I am grateful for - that I'm not walking around feeling unattractive and wondering what he's looking at on his computer. For that, I really do like him better in his own house.

Sorry if this topic is inappropriate.
CowgirlKathi
CowgirlKathi
The topic is NOT inappropriate. This is an open forum and unless someone gets really raunchy (or launches a personal attack on someone) just about anything is ok. Perhaps it would be better, though, to put this kind of thing in a journal entry and you can mark it PRIVATE, FRIENDS ONLY or EVERYONE. Just to be on the safe side. LOL.
Misred
Misred
I brought up my EX's porn viewing in marriage counseling and the counselor brushed over it. Only because I had put a program on our computer to see if he was still communicating with his "friends" did I see he spent a large amount of time downloading and viewing porn. I won't go into all the gory details, but I am now relieved to be rid of that problem too.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I could not be married or have a boyfriend with that problem. Im hard enough on myself for my weight gain, a husband or boyfriend that looked at that would make me feel even worse about myself.

((hugs))
trisha9054
trisha9054
Two husbands and both looked at porn. I refuse to have sex while they are staring at the tv. Who were they making love to me or that air brushed naked woman? No way, no how was I agreeing to that.

Sometimes the porn can go into areas that are illegal. So many reasons I left this last husband and all of them were well hidden until he wanted the divorce but didn't want to be the one to ask for it.

Yes, he has problems too and I finally got tired of him snoring in my face. He just wasn't into me and I really thought he had problems because of some meds he was taking. Those meds didn't stop him from comitting bigamy.

Sorry it's been a crazy morning and I've said more than I usually do on this subject. Porn is one of the worst things that can happen to a wife and a marriage.
rbsingle1959
rbsingle1959
I would never except a man watching porn either. If he can not get turned on by me and me alone I dont need him. If he needs to have sex with me while thinking or watching another woman then he needs to be with another woman.
sfsoccermom
sfsoccermom
Sigh.....been there. Completely understand.
dairytech
dairytech
Me too...sob...I also completely understand
drtexdi
drtexdi
No, we actually all (or almost all) understand. In the other post, I believe someone mentioned "Adult Friend Finder." I found that on my computer as well. Which means he was hooking up with anyone and everyone. Now 2 years, post-divorce, I cannot imagine what he was into. Nor do I want to. You will be soooooooo much better off!
Kellyb711
Kellyb711
Is there any man out there that isn't looking at porn? I just don't understand it.
dairytech
dairytech
I just have to ask this...I have not talked about this here or anywhere actually. I always felt like I was being cheated on. Is that just me or does others feel that way? Do you consider computer porn cheating?
drtexdi
drtexdi
I believe that not only is it cheating, it leads to the actually physical act of cheating. You can't tell me that it is innocent and harmless. It leads to a difference in thought processes and brain chemistry. It also sends the message that Kellyb has stated that we are ugly, useless, etc. I think it is extremely distructive to a relationship and/or marriage. I think it is a huge red flag!
tobywinn
tobywinn
As a secure person, I can remember the feeling of "competing" and being invisible with Beyonce. Weeks prior to my ex fleeing the coup, I had no idea of my ex's dark secret life, but I had noticed one day his hypnotic glare while watching Beyonce. I immediately sensed what person would rather refuse intimacy with their spouse to watch a plastic screen. Well hon, what they don't tell you is, they avoid physical and emotional INTIMACY especially from a spouse for fear of being discovered. The hidden person often wears their mask and guilt rides along.

What you have to get into your understanding is he has an emotional mental health disease/ dysfunction called addiction. He is emotionally and psychologically wounded deep to his core. His mental wiring is real, permanent, and defected.

Your awareness that your marriage was "all about the penis" acknowledges his priorities with marriage responsibilities were off track. Once again, It's why you must choose and initiate a realistic recourse for yourself.
tobywinn
tobywinn
As a secure person, I can remember the feeling of "competing" and being invisible with Beyonce. Weeks prior to my ex fleeing the coup, I had no idea of my ex's dark secret life, but I had noticed one day his hypnotic glare while watching Beyonce. I immediately sensed what person would rather refuse intimacy with their spouse to watch a plastic screen. Well hon, what they don't tell you is, they avoid physical and emotional INTIMACY especially from a spouse for fear of being discovered. The hidden person often wears their mask and guilt rides along.

What you have to get into your understanding is he has an emotional mental health disease/ dysfunction called addiction. He is emotionally and psychologically wounded deep to his core. His mental wiring is real, permanent, and defected.

Your awareness that your marriage was "all about the penis" acknowledges his priorities with marriage responsibilities were off track. Once again, It's why you must choose and initiate a realistic recourse for yourself.
CowgirlKathi
CowgirlKathi
I'm not sure I would consider looking at porn as cheating, but it would definitely send up a bunch of red flags for me. Primarily because in porn, women are shown as subservient to men -- sex objects and nothng more. It's DISGUSTING to me! Blecch!

Everything I have read on the subject says that it is as addicting as drugs and/or alcohol and even harder to kick the habit. If your man is spending time looking at porn on tv or the computer, I would say GOOD RIDDANCE and boot his sorry a** so fast his head would spin.

That's my two cents.
VectorForward
VectorForward
I had to look up who the heck is Beyonce.

Don't think my ex was into porn but he was into alcohol. Porn would have totally creeped me out.