Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply. And Larry - you did not come across too harsh or short on empathy. I think my situation is different than the norm - but I'm sure everyone thinks that. I am reasonably sure there has been no sex. Am I 100%? Of course not. I'm not that sure of anything anymore. But I know her pretty well, and on this I actually believe her. And yes - I'm still in the denial phase, so there you go.
I put a fair amount of blame on the other guy. Call me old fashioned, but there are just a few things you DON'T do. You never EVER hit a woman, and you don't pursue a married woman. She did not discourage it, and there must have been some indicator that it was OK, but I still can't get my head around that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saint, and my moral compass is not always true. And I do tend to project my beliefs on others, and tend to think that they think like I do. But it still just blows me away.
So as to their breakup, I know he did not take it as a final no, and was just biding his time. There are a lot of little details that I won't go into here, but the short answer is he wouldn't let it drop, and apparently neither did she.
You're right - she is no longer the person I loved. But I can still see that person when I look at her. Her actions for the most part are how they always have been. It's just this sneaky side that's come out in last year+ that I can't come to grips with.
So for now it's just one day at a time. Yesterday was a good day, today the coaster is careening off the rails on the downside.

I'm really sorry that you find yourself here, but you have found a good place. There are so many people who have been victim of betrayal. It's a cut that goes deep. You will make it out, but will be changed forever. Sending you lots of healing thoughts as you navigate through this hallway... (((Hugs)))

Just Duci, Welcome to the group. You will find a lot of support here.. My stbx did the same thing after 41 years of marriage. Never saw it coming. The icing on the cake was the crazy mistress moved into my dream home within days of my leaving

Welcome sorry you are going throught this. I am new here too and have found some comfort already

I can't tell everyone what a Godsend this site has been. The outpouring of support has been great. I just hope I'm able to pay it forward once I get my head on straight. Or at least maybe it helps other now to see they are not alone in their pain and misery. (not to mention the crazy-A$$ thoughts)
i check this site at least once a day, and it does bring me comfort. Keeps me (at least) one step further from that ledge.
BTW - 3 days without a meltdown. Woohoo!

JustDuci,

I like when you said "that bell cannot be unrung". I have that sick feeling too, that I will never have that idealistic, head over heals trusting love again. I may meet someone wonderful, but they will have had their own history, their own kids, as I have mine. We will never again be in the situation to spend a lifetime with one person. I am further along than you and have mostly accepted that, but sometimes when I read words like those, they still sting as a reminder of what's been lost.

I do want to echo that this group is really great, and it's a place I check at least 3 times a week. There are some really strong people here, and I like that those who are even years past the initial pain, still bother to write in and support the newer members.

My heart goes out to you. Stay on flat ground - no ledges!! I used to spend a lot of time near a lake for tranquility, but one day I found myself thinking about going in and not coming out. I glanced down and saw a really smooth, bright white rock. I picked it up for some reason and brought it home. When I got home, I just felt like that damn rock was a sign that i shouldn't be so depressed. I painted the word "hope" on it and keep it on my counter as a reminder that there is ALWAYS hope for better days. HUGS to you

So sorry you are here JustDuci but this is a wonderful group. I am almost 5 years post divorce after a 20 year marriage. This group was a Godsend for me and would guess most of us. It is a place for advice, a place for a hug when needed and a place for a good swift kick in the butt when I needed it. There are days when you need each of these as you ride this roller coaster. I don't know about you but I knew no one in my life that had gone through this so that is why this group is so needed. We are not like the couple who has been married for a few years and divorces. We are an extremely unique group which makes our place in life quite lonely in the beginning. It gets better though! The sun will shine again!

Larry, I love your baseball analogy! I'm a huge MLB fan (as the old timers on here know) and I am celebrating Craig Biggio's HOF election! Yes, I am an Astros fan. Don't laugh too hard. JustDolci, fun things in your life will all come back to you.

hi

I'm going a bit off topic here to make a comment to what cmonge said. The part, " I have that sick feeling too, that I will never have that idealistic, head over heals trusting love again. I may meet someone wonderful, but they will have had their own history, their own kids, as I have mine. We will never again be in the situation to spend a lifetime with one person."

I am currently dating the 5th woman since my divorce, (which was over 9 years ago), and I can honestly say I can love another and totally appreciate the who she is but it's that dang history that deepens the meaning of a relationship for me, (and many others it seems). I find it only sensible to grow old with the other parent to my children. Either I am a good picker or I've been lucky, but out of the five, four have been sensible. But then along with this sensibility comes the senses to KNOW the most enveloping relationship consist of not only present and future experiences but the culmination of the past as well. So she is stuck with the same hangups as I am! How do two sensible people ever get together?

It's just like when our spouses ran off with their new lovers. How much sense did that make? It's obvious how two senseless people can just run off into the sunset and then act dumbfounded when reality finally catches up to them. Aw gee, this grass is greener but it's because of all the weeds in it. duh!! But still, those with no values, ethics, ideals, (I want to say morals but I'll leave that one out), can so easily just hopscotch around like they have no clue what the value of a united family has to offer. Do they really get much out of that?

So how do those of us that value wholesomeness ever find an encompassing relationship? Is it possible? I have my doubts. I find a good woman and her 'goodness' has her stuck at 3rd base, just like me. We would both like to get home, but home isn't so clearly defined anymore.

drtexdi, I've fallen away from watching a lot of baseball over the years. Anymore when the pennant race gets going and into the series I can become glued to the games. It's been a long time since I've had favorite players. Not sure of your age but if you know baseball you should know my team by my fav players. Tony Oliva, Rod Carew, Harmon Killebrew. See, been awhile for me, eh?

Larry.....its just that we have to wrap our heads around and ACCEPT a new "normal".

Larry, all you needed to say was Harmon Killebrew. You are a Twins fan. You haven't been as bad as the Astros lately but you've had some lean years. I am 56 so I have literally grown up with the Astros/Colt 45's. They are a little younger than me! Come back to baseball! It's too much fun to walk away!

Larry, thanks for the reply. I know this ride is just beginning for me, but that's my fear that I will never love like that again. I will remain hopefully optimistic, but I have my doubts. It just sucks. I know life is not fair, and was not meant to be. But this is not right either!
Old school Twins, I love it. My wife actually got to the World Series game (1987?). Tough to watch them these days. Just like the Wild...

I have one person who gives me great hope. It's a relative of mine who went through a brutal divorce after 25 years. She grieved for 3 years but then found an incredibly beautiful relationship that has been much richer than the first one even was. She admits that it's not what she dreamed of, to not be with the father of her three children, but even they admit how happy and fulfilled she is now. I dream of a new relationship like hers. Keep the hope guys. But for now, just get through this dang divorce.

Tony Oliva, Harmon Killebrew, ROD CAREW? Twinkies fan. Yep - from MN here too :-)