Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I've been following this site for a few days now, and see that I'm not alone in my pain and anguish. I'm at the very start of this whole process, and I'm not too excited about it. My wife of 24+ years has found another man (it kills me to write that), and wants a new life with him in another state. I was totally blindsided by this. I always thought our marriage was great. We had some separate interests, which served us well for a long time - until it didn't.
I never thought this would happen to me. It was so far off my radar that I'm still trying to come to grips with it.
I'll post more later - I'll no doubt be needing a rope (just not both ends... :) )
Looking forward to the support I've seen on here so far, and hope to be a part of it for others.
Happy New Year Indeed.
I never thought this would happen to me. It was so far off my radar that I'm still trying to come to grips with it.
I'll post more later - I'll no doubt be needing a rope (just not both ends... :) )
Looking forward to the support I've seen on here so far, and hope to be a part of it for others.
Happy New Year Indeed.
: )
Movingon has given you some good advice.
Moscato hits the nail on the head with "What the heck happened?". My ex left me slowly over the years (he had his own interests and didn't do much with me, then was abusive when he was with me) until one day, I realised I was in our marriage all by myself so I did the physical leaving. He had done the emotional leaving long before, so a lot of my pain and hurt and confusion occurred before we actually split up. And yes, he had affairs and he already had an ow when I left. I still wonder "what the heck happened?" at times and it's been 6 years now.
The most important lessons I've learned are
1) take care of yourself first - physically, emotionally and spiritually,
2) you simply cannot change another person but you can change yourself, and
3) love, compassion and respect - for self and others - are the cornerstones of a happy existence.
You've come to a good place where people care and also know exactly what to do. You only have to ask.
love and hugs
kamary
He didn't want the divorce but I couldn't live his lies. It took 3 court hearings to get divorced and three more over the last six years for contempt. I'm now totally financially free of the ex. I'm building a new life that I love. You can make a life for yourself after divorce if you work at it.
Anything you feel here is safe........From the rage to the sadness
No judgement here
You found the right place. Unfortunately your story is not at all unique. The ex in my life had an affair with a co-worker after we were married for 23 years. When I found out he expected, and quite frankly counted on, the fact that I would end the relationship. When I offered to work it out, he stayed but did absolutely nothing to improve things. The only thing he did was complain when I wasn't getting over it fast enough and treat me like he was doing me some giant favor by hanging around.
It took 3 years but I finally had the famous "cranium removal from rectum procedure" and finally told him I wanted a divorce. He now resides with the woman he had his affair with which is perfect because the best gift you can give a cheater is another cheater! That's how I'm looking at it.
Come here often for support. We're all in this together.
http://lemaym1.wordpress.com/
My wife also left after 24 years...seems like I see a lot of this at this particular time span..22-25 year mark..very strange, I also did not see it coming and she hooked up immediately so I know she was cheating. It's been a terrible roller coaster of emotions over 10 months but I do recommend just go No Contact as much as possible as early as possible. It does help.
Good luck to you, post for support and journal, it does help too.
I just want to add that you'll need REAL world resources even more! I highly recommend talking to a counselor or at the very least joining a separation/divorce support group in your area. It helps to connect with others, and those connections can be a lifeline.....maybe even that 'rope' that you alluded to!
Take care of yourself....no one will or can take care of you better than YOU. Be good to yourself, and cut yourself some slack, especially in these early days. Best!
I did not expect this kind of response right off the bat. It really does help to know I'm not alone in this. I never thought I'd be on a forum looking for support, but I guess there will be a lot of firsts to come.
I first found out in Sept this year. Hit me like a ton of bricks! She admitted to what I call an emotional affair (I don't think she still thinks she did anything wrong -other than lie, sneak, and be generally deceptive). I saw a therapist, she went once (by herself). It was not very productive for either. Will need to find a different one. After a couple of painful weeks, she agreed to stay. We had a few discussions about our relationship between then and now (most early on), and the struggles we were both going through. But I let it drop so we could both have some time to process. But I told her, she needed to help save this marriage - just being were was not working on it. Still I thought things were going "OK", but the signs started creeping back in. I confronted her right before Christmas, and she admitted to re-establishing contact with the OM. That was pretty much the end of it. Needless to say, the holidays sucked. All the more as we stayed together to put on the act for both our families.
The sad thing is that I still love her so much. I can see as plain as day how this affair of hers will go once she's moved, and it kills me to know this will crush her when it ends badly.
She was the center of my universe for almost 30 years, and really wanted for nothing. I was the kind of husbands girls dream of - and she still admits that. Never on a leash, never abused (physically or verbally), quit work for a while, works part time now. No kids to take care of. She had the life of Riley.
But I know it's time to take care of me. I know it will take time, and there is no way around - just have to make it through. And someday I'll find someone else who I can share everything with again.
The worst part for me is that I'll never be able to love like that again. There will always be that wonder if the new person in my life will leave me. I never had that worry with my wife now - and that saddens me. That bell just cannot be un-rung.
I've made it 3 days now without a meltdown. A few tears yes, but I feel I'm moving in the right direction. But it's going to be a long road...
Over the next few months you will go through many different emotions...as you move through them you will have to remind yourself often...this is normal and part of the healing process. There are a few things you should try to take care of right away...get a good lawyer....find a good therapist and find a real time support group...I went to Divorce Care and found it very helpful...if you google it you will find one near you...its usually held through one of your local churches...and us here...the people here are awesome and many of the old timers were my rock in the first few years.
Hang on Just...your in for the ride of your life...but I promise you...you will get through this and you will be happy again...Big Hugs...Kathy
Sorry this is happening to you. Quite a few similarities in our stories. 29 year marriage here ended when she felt life was passing her by, (not to mention another guy on the side of course). Google grief cycle if you're not familiar with it, you'll be feeling them all on and off for some time to come. It is a long road but what you do from here on out can lengthen or shorten the time it takes to hit on all cylinders again.
Do your best to keep the other aspects of your life humming along. It will take some time to grieve the loss of her, (the primary loss), but when that is said and done you'll be better situated to make the most out of your new environment if you keep the secondary losses, (career, money, self worth/esteem, etc.), to a minimum.
I notice you have her on a pedestal, much like I did. You can love again even though a section of your heart may be reserved for her. Those amount of years spent with anyone leaves an impression regardless how things end. If her name is Karen and you married Sally instead, you'd be feeling the things about Sally that you are Karen. While the who she was plays a role, the 'what' she was does too. Other people can or could have been that 'what'. Besides, you're still seeing her how you want to, not as she is. Do you really think she broke up with this guy and then got back together again? Tell me how they repaired their breakup so readily. Most all the time that a woman is emotionally involved with a guy there is love making involved as well. No sex, no bond great enough to end a marriage over. Your situation may not be this case, but that would mean it's also not the norm. She's no longer the person you love, you can only now love a memory, and that's fine, as long as you treat it as such. Nothing wrong with loving a memory and the pain associated with it for a spell. It's human nature to do so. She changed somewhere along the line and there isn't a dang thing you could have done about it. Why some people go off on a tangent remains a mystery to most, even to themselves. You'll likely seek answers to the why. Oftentimes the answer is that there is no answer, it just is.
My apologies if I came across too harsh and short on empathy. I'm 9+ years out from my divorce. I can recall the extreme pain and emotional rollercoaster I went through but no longer can I 'feel' it. Oh, a tug now and then, here and there, but while I've been in your shoes, I'm not in them any longer so I don't identify fully on the emotional scale very well anymore. That's good news for you considering how bad it rocked my world. Its a progression. You'll heal as time allows you to adapt systematically. It's a procedure, a ritual of sorts we all go through. Even the best batters don't hit a curve ball very well if they're expecting a fast ball. You've been thrown a curve. Just keep swingin'!