Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hello, some know my story, but will repeat,
together 23 years, will be married 20, in May.
three children, son 18, daughter 12, daughter 10.
was asked to move out in July 2014 , she needed time and space, didn't want to but did, found a rooming house for 303.00 a week , took it, shared kitchen bathroom etc.... gross, ate out just about every night, the nights I didn't I just didn't eat, cost me a lot of money in the two months I stayed there.... not too mention I could only see kids a short time as they could not come to rooming house (a rule)
after two months, I asked if it was long enough, she said no, I had to think about myself at this point she didn't want to talk to me at all, so I found a one bedroom, took it, the only down fall was I had to sign a 1 year lease, asked her again if I can come home, that I can't stay in the rooming house, and I need to see more of my kids. she said do what you have too, so I did, moved in Sept. 1st, had the kids sleep over that weekend, was great having them again. my oldest didn't want to sleep over but he came over for dinner.
so she has no desire to talk to me at all, 6 months in, my girls tell me they found a pregnancy test in mom's car... great,, I don't say anything, but my 12 year old is furious, and calls her out on it, she gets oh the lady at the store put it in the wrong bag.... that can work on a 12 year old, not me, she tells me it's a friends.......
I gave everything to this women, I did 99 percent of everything in that household, took kids to all sports, doctors, school events etc... gave up most of the family events cause she felt bad her brother had no where to go, I invited him many times,, nope, so we always had to have him at the house, where he would get hammered and pass out..... 80 percent of the time yes.....
so I'm 8 months deep, went to court once, she got temp orders for support ect.... we go back in April to finish the deal.
I didn't want this at all, she fueled it all, wants nothing to do with me. which is killing me, found out last week that she did indeed have an affair. which is dragging me down even further.
I honestly can't take it anymore, I can't except it, i should be able to move on but can't, gave up all my friends (she didn't want me going out with them), I can say my family has been there for me, my sister told me at Thanksgiving that it's good to have me back at family events etc.,
I joined a support group a month ago, but they have yet to have a class due to the snow, seems every sunday we get another 20 inches of snow.
was drinking heavy at first, really slowed down, did go to a wedding this past weekend , got home and took several sleeping pills, woke up Sunday around 7 ish, didn't know what day it was, found a note saying please take care of my kids....serveral missed calls, 20 texts, I guess there are people that care about me. I think it's safe to say I'm at rock bottom, i have work today, I'm here but my head is foggy, It hurts, not a hangover hurt, like I need more sleep hurt..no way I can stay here all day... there's a photo shoot happening that I'm suppose to be in but I look like I just crawled out of a dumpster...
group got canceled tonight...
I feel so so guilty..sad..hurt..upset , like a jerk, loser ect......
we rented a house starting Wednesday, my brother, sister and I and our family's for tubing and skiing, should be ok....
need strength to get from one day to the next......... it really sucks...
just need to go home and cry some more... not that it helps,
together 23 years, will be married 20, in May.
three children, son 18, daughter 12, daughter 10.
was asked to move out in July 2014 , she needed time and space, didn't want to but did, found a rooming house for 303.00 a week , took it, shared kitchen bathroom etc.... gross, ate out just about every night, the nights I didn't I just didn't eat, cost me a lot of money in the two months I stayed there.... not too mention I could only see kids a short time as they could not come to rooming house (a rule)
after two months, I asked if it was long enough, she said no, I had to think about myself at this point she didn't want to talk to me at all, so I found a one bedroom, took it, the only down fall was I had to sign a 1 year lease, asked her again if I can come home, that I can't stay in the rooming house, and I need to see more of my kids. she said do what you have too, so I did, moved in Sept. 1st, had the kids sleep over that weekend, was great having them again. my oldest didn't want to sleep over but he came over for dinner.
so she has no desire to talk to me at all, 6 months in, my girls tell me they found a pregnancy test in mom's car... great,, I don't say anything, but my 12 year old is furious, and calls her out on it, she gets oh the lady at the store put it in the wrong bag.... that can work on a 12 year old, not me, she tells me it's a friends.......
I gave everything to this women, I did 99 percent of everything in that household, took kids to all sports, doctors, school events etc... gave up most of the family events cause she felt bad her brother had no where to go, I invited him many times,, nope, so we always had to have him at the house, where he would get hammered and pass out..... 80 percent of the time yes.....
so I'm 8 months deep, went to court once, she got temp orders for support ect.... we go back in April to finish the deal.
I didn't want this at all, she fueled it all, wants nothing to do with me. which is killing me, found out last week that she did indeed have an affair. which is dragging me down even further.
I honestly can't take it anymore, I can't except it, i should be able to move on but can't, gave up all my friends (she didn't want me going out with them), I can say my family has been there for me, my sister told me at Thanksgiving that it's good to have me back at family events etc.,
I joined a support group a month ago, but they have yet to have a class due to the snow, seems every sunday we get another 20 inches of snow.
was drinking heavy at first, really slowed down, did go to a wedding this past weekend , got home and took several sleeping pills, woke up Sunday around 7 ish, didn't know what day it was, found a note saying please take care of my kids....serveral missed calls, 20 texts, I guess there are people that care about me. I think it's safe to say I'm at rock bottom, i have work today, I'm here but my head is foggy, It hurts, not a hangover hurt, like I need more sleep hurt..no way I can stay here all day... there's a photo shoot happening that I'm suppose to be in but I look like I just crawled out of a dumpster...
group got canceled tonight...
I feel so so guilty..sad..hurt..upset , like a jerk, loser ect......
we rented a house starting Wednesday, my brother, sister and I and our family's for tubing and skiing, should be ok....
need strength to get from one day to the next......... it really sucks...
just need to go home and cry some more... not that it helps,
Vent when you need to. That's what we're about here...listening!
I understand the frustration about the check being delayed. Please consider setting up a system whereby the money can be transferred electronically from your account to hers. This will minimize the delay and circumvent Post Office black holes. It should also MINIMIZE CONTACT. One of the things we preach about on here a lot is to go MINIMUM or NO CONTACT. This truly helps to get you moving forward and into the healing cycle.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
so until then, it's in the mail.
it's my night with my girls, one just texted me saying they were sleeping over, I said no hun I have work in the morning I'm picking you up later when we go away.
poor kids are so confused.. she told them they were staying over , there's no since in them getting up early in the am, only to be dropped off to go back to bed..
this is the one hour at a time moment....
You can do this one step at a time - one minute at a time if needed.
I found help in a 12 step program - I am not an addict or alcoholic but the 12 steps helped me survive the insanity of having been raised by and then married to one. It provided a solid foundation to regain the knowledge of who I am as the tendrils of marriage enmeshed me with him and I had no clue where the hell I was in all of that. Your wife is doing the same it would seem and it is not about you per se - though it affects you - and thereby you now have to find out who you are without the context of that marriage in order to live in the new normal.
There is no need to villanize the other when you keep the focus on yourself as you move through this. I know you can make it out of this and be a beacon of strength for others as you live life fully.
As the others have already said, you'll have lousy days and lots of them in the beginning. As time goes by, you'll feel more awake and ready to deal with your new life.
I'm so glad you're off with the family for a break with people who care about you. I hope you feel better while you're with them and they give you strength for when you return home.
I lost a lot of our friends after the divorce, too, and I've recently found out that he lost some of them, too. Turns out couples are confronted with their own possibility of divorce when their friends break up.
Please get one thing straight - You are not a jerk or a loser, and the guilt is not yours. She is the one who has strayed. I still struggle with that one so I know how important it is to get a handle on it. A good therapist can help.
When things were bad and I was barely making it through the day, my therapist recommended 'mindfulness' - living in the moment, seeing what's around you, hearing what you can hear right now, and spending at least some time each day in meditation. It gives your poor mind some relief from the constant hum of why, what and who.
It may feel as though crying doesn't help, but it is quietly getting rid of the hurts and the pain. It's just that it takes a long time. You will be glad you let yourself feel the emotions and let them go to their limit, because you will actually heal much more quickly and be a lot more healthy than if you push everything down inside.
All the best, mate
love and hugs
kamary
As many others have said, surround yourself with friends, family and by all means, attend that support group. The only people who truly understand what you are going through are those who have been there. For me, personally, I attended a Divorcecare group one time and still didn't feel like I fit in. All divorces are different, but, at least here, on this board, we all were married a very long time, so many things we experience "through the process" are similar.
My ex, like CowgirlKathi's simply stated he "was unhappy" which equated to "I'm cheating and lieing" and he married his mistress 4 months after our divorce was final.
It has been 8 years for me now, 6 1/2 since my divorce was finalized and I am now looking forward to my 4th anniversary with my wonderful husband, but I will NEVER forget that time. My ex was cruel during the divorce and said things I will never forget plus the heartbreak was a physical pain I will never forget. Even now...all these years later, I will hear a song that was popular at that time and have to shut it off because it brings back the darkest time in my life.
Please be kind to yourself, take care of yourself and cry when you need to. My mantra during my divorce was, "Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want ME? I wouldn't!" So, I got angry and sicked my lawyer on him and felt a whole lot better. People who cheat and lie have no place in my life. My morals and values made me strong and feeling better about myself and they should you as well.
My suggestion is to get a counselor as soon as you can. Find a divorcecare group as fast as you can. Go to divorcecare.com and type in your zip code. Get some books to get your started on healing and concentrating on something besides the hell you're in. A good start is "The Language of Letting Go", Love Must be Tough, The journey from Abandonment to Healing, and Codependency no More, and Help, I'm in love with a Narcissist.
As you wrote about you were the one that did everything in the family, I think we can all relate. It seems those of us that did it all and kept the family together and sacrificed and everything, are the ones that got left.
You have come to the right place. There are amazing people here that have been where you are, are going through what you are, or might be a little ahead of you. When you realize that you aren't the only one going through what you are, for some reason, it truly helps. Once I found DS 8 years ago, it saved my life.
Big hugs
I suggest that you take the e-funds transfer advice and advise her of it by email. I would also suggest that you take the opportunity to tell her - in writing - that you are committed to healthy and respectful dialogue with her and that it's difficult to have that when she loses her temper!
Enjoy your time with your kids! You ALL need some fun time to just be with each other away from the stress of the ever present family break-up topic! Good for you for planning this important bonding time.
I'm back again on the point reiterated by iammine (above).
I pay all my bills via electronic check -- the payment is made almost instantly. You can set this up with your bank and that will definitely circumvent any more of her tirades about the money "being late."
And the business of NOT ENGAGING in any kind of heated (or potentially heated) discussion with her is of the utmost importance. She WANTS to see you upset -- Don't give her the satisfaction. You can simply REFUSE to respond when she gets that way. NO RESPONSE often says more than any amount of spoken words.
thanks again everyone for the support,
so I just got back from a week away with my kids, my brother and his family and my sister and hers.
we had a wonderful time, so many laughs,(much needed). it was just so good to be around people who care..
and now i'm home and right back to a world of crap!, found out via facebook my stbx went to a party last night, got so drunk and yelling they called the cops and had her arrested !, I didn't believe it so I called to police station and asked if the had a blah blah there and they said she got released this morning.... WTF are you kidding me!, and the lady that had the party tagged her on facebook with all the nasty detail.... horrifying! si I had to called her and say you might not know this but it's all over facebook, I honestly felt bad for her, NOW SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ME......
Asking how are we here, can I come over, i love you....
here's the best, what should I do about the mess i'm in?
that was 4 hours ago, the she just called again to hear my voice??
i talked for a few, then said I have to go...
my head is flipping spinning right now, there is no way I can take this woman back, NO.....
it took her 8 months to relize she screwed up that the grass isn't greener on the other side.... she said we had it all, yes dear we did, and YOU SINGLE HANDILY THREW IT AWAY!
now you can't make the mortgage, and your new party friends threw you out of the circle you want me back.... SERIOUSLY.....
no snow in the forecast support group better be on tomorrow night....
I feel so so bad for my kids, if my 18 year old gets wind of her arrest, he's going to be so so hurt...... my heart bleeds for this mess i'm in,
I could here my girls in the back rounds asking who's that,, and she say's daddy,,,, WTF..... i can see it now, moms nice to you are you getting back together, I am going to be the bad guy....
this is so crazy.... "
Be honest with your kids, they're old enough to know the truth when they hear it: "Your mom and I loved each other once, and we will always love you, but I can't be with someone I can't trust, it just hurts too much!"
I'm praying your support groups can help, maybe try a codependency support group too. I know that really helped me learn how to live better with an insane person in my life. Stay safe, and take care!
Just be there for your children and heal yourself.
so she's down in the dumps, I end up over the house while kids are out to talk, three hours later I'm still there.
now were talking every day... I have to break free again, I do not want to be with her, I feel I'm being set up.
I feel she does not want this past arrest to come up in court and she's being super nice to me, I said things this week that anyone else would of told me to take a hike, that's y I feel like its a set up....
I also sent her friend an email telling her to mind her own business,
very confused again, this sucks bigtime.
I'm taking kids away again for a long weekend this coming weekend for a hockey tournament. god knows what she has planned........ I'm so scared...don't know what to do,
been to the support group twice, not sure about it, i'll keep going but no promises there.
why does it have to be me that needs the help and advice, why can't I just be like her and say f it........
am I truly crazy? I'm going out of my mind......