Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Ok, posting twice in the same day is a rare thing for me, but I kinda need a little support. Since my separation more than two years ago my ex has been hiding in the shadows in terms of an online presence. He's quite the coward, and I figured this was because there were too many people who would rip him a new one if he posted anything. I've been very grateful for this, to be honest. I really didn't want to see photos of him with the OW. Today this has suddenly changed. He started posting you tube videos of his new wife playing with her dogs in the backyard. Everything is all happy and wonderful, and it's hitting me harder than I expected. I happened on the videos accidentally through a link sent to my daughter. This is very out of character for him, so I'm wondering why all of a sudden would he start posting these videos. He never did this when we were married, not even of his own children.
While I couldn't see him, I could hear him in the video laughing. It's hard for me to hear him laughing and know that he is so happy. It was far easier for me to pretend that maybe he was just so-so, muddling through life. Why does this bother me so much? I've come so far, and yet this one stupid 40 second video has thrown me for a loop. I guess it goes back to my earlier post about injustice. It's so not fair for him, the cheater and liar, to be so happy and settled in a new life with someone who loves him while I remain alone. But, I know, life isn't fair. I just don't like having my face rubbed in it, and that's how it feels. My ex is a very private person. This is a very bold move on his part, to post something so public. I seriously wonder about his motives. What's worse, why do I care? I hate it that this bothers me, but it does.
Any words of wisdom out there? I could sure use them? I'm so tired of doing this tango - three steps forward and two steps back. I wish he would go back into the shadows where he belongs!
While I couldn't see him, I could hear him in the video laughing. It's hard for me to hear him laughing and know that he is so happy. It was far easier for me to pretend that maybe he was just so-so, muddling through life. Why does this bother me so much? I've come so far, and yet this one stupid 40 second video has thrown me for a loop. I guess it goes back to my earlier post about injustice. It's so not fair for him, the cheater and liar, to be so happy and settled in a new life with someone who loves him while I remain alone. But, I know, life isn't fair. I just don't like having my face rubbed in it, and that's how it feels. My ex is a very private person. This is a very bold move on his part, to post something so public. I seriously wonder about his motives. What's worse, why do I care? I hate it that this bothers me, but it does.
Any words of wisdom out there? I could sure use them? I'm so tired of doing this tango - three steps forward and two steps back. I wish he would go back into the shadows where he belongs!
Remember that no contact is the best way to get them out of our heads and hearts. Next time you see a link like that, just switch off your phone or computer and go do something else.
I was thrown in May when my daughter told me the ow was considering moving in with my ex in June. I simply couldn't deal with that thought and have been out of sorts in one way or another ever since.
It hurts to know they have someone else and could be happy. It's the simple truth. And it's ok to feel bad for a while. You will come to grips with it. Remember that you wouldn't want him back anyway, and 40secs is not long enough to make a reasonable assumption about someone's general state of happiness.
Why he posted it, who knows? Maybe she did. I doubt that you were primary focus when it was posted, even though you feel as though it was a direct insult targeting you. Many times, we are hurt by what others say and do because we are not feeling very secure at the time. You're in the process of getting over a break-up so you are very vulnerable right now.
I reckon make yourself a big bubble bath, light some candles, put on your favourite music, cook your favourite tea and spoil yourself rotten. You're worth it and you're wonderful.
love and hugs
kamary
Pretty sure that would bother anybody. I don't have much to add except to say that on face book my husband and I looked really happy, there were videos of us playing around in stores and in the car. Lost of laughing. That didn't mean I was happy with him. I was dealing with a whole slew of problems with very few moments of laughter or joy. Those are what we posted. Thats what everyone posts, the best parts of their lives.
If had I posted the day to day happenings in our lives it would have had people cringing. My point is no one posts problems or their unhappy times. By the looks of it, all my Facebook friends have perfect lives... everyone, but me lol. Behind the scenes though well thats something else entirely.
I know the real stories of some of their personal lives and it isn't anything like they post. One posts of a wonderful vacation, but didn't mention that two weeks prior she was abused by her boyfriend and had trouble trying to enjoy herself on that vacation. If I didn't know that truth I would think she had a fabulous time.
I truly wish we could all get to the point where we didn't give a shit about these asses. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I am sick of it. Why should we be stuck and hurting while they move on? It all just sucks. Totally unfair. I don't want to be hurt over anything him anymore. He has caused me enough hurt to last the rest of my damn life. Sad part is we can't control how long it takes or what hurts us. Hang in there Kim you are so beautiful and so smart and an inspiration to many. Good things are coming to us that have grieved so long... I have to believe that. (((( hugs)))))
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Ummm, why is he posting? WHO CARES? More importantly, would you do it again (watch I mean)? I'm betting it's a big fat now. It was a mistake, that's all. In my books, "no contact" means not reading or looking at photos/videos online. But it happened, and even if by accident....look how much it hurt you! And it's TOTALLY normal that it did btw!
Aside: My ex always made fun of fb and online posting (but he made fun of EVERYTHING) and he once made up an online persona and started friending people just to "prove to me" how LAME fb is...I suppose because if people 'friend' him and don't even know who the heck he is, that somehow....proves something? Ummm, no. It just proves that there are other lame-o's out there like him lol!
Next thing you know, a month or so back...he has a REAL fb account with a picture of his big fat face (lol) and I found this out as my sis let me know so that I could block him .....so that he can't see my OWN posts on my kids pages I suppose. Which I promptly did. Just to see his face hurt a little (haven't seen his mug in three years)....but it told me that he's looking for some kind of validation online....after all, aren't most of us doing that when we post 'happy' pics of our lives on fb? I know I am....and I readily admit that! But I ALSO think that it's kind of normal to DESIRE validation so.....
What I guess I 'm saying here is...he's looking for something. And it's NOT about you. It's just NOT about "us" anymore when our ex's make choices in their lives. And one day, very, very, soon for you my dear, you will care LESS about anything that he's saying/doing (as long as it doesn't involve/hurt your kids that is)
Two years is not that long. I KNOW you know that. But it helps to have friends remind you, right? Geesh, I need it too...LOTS!
Kamary is right - put your but in a nice bath and put on same face happy music and celebrate that you're not putting up with his CRAP anymore...your life belongs to you. And it is FILLED with love and friendship and goodness. You don't need to prove it to anyone! Love Kamary's last line...you're worth it and you're wonderful!!!! hugs
Iammine, love your outlook and your sassiness:)
A friend posted this on fb last week - it's a GREAT example of how fb life is not so real! enjoy
Actually, here's the actual youtube video link. one less step!
Sorry been away from D&S a little while.
Kim............ my dear friend , I think that anyone including me would feel something ......some type of hurt if we saw our x with someone else. We all human Kim, Unfortunately we are the ones that were left behind , out in the cold. So ......................ya , it hurts us more , we didn't ask for this .
Please don't feel that you took a step backward . It's just a passing emotional moment . You're doing good all in all. Sooooooooo, OH, as far as the x feeling happy and it bothers you .... I can understand why you feel that way ... It's like what right does he have to be happy after doing that to me ... But Kim, They are different people now .They really don't care about us . I always said my x went of to la -la land . LOL.... So, there's nothing we can do about that . The only thing is that We must go on . Out there , there's a happy place for all of us .
Hot bath..... good music ... wine if you drink !!! .I think that maybe you could start thinking about what you want to do with your life .where do you want to go........... What's your plans .. or better yet ... start making some plans and goals that will make you happy .
Recently , I've been thinking that way myself . A couple post back I stated that I wasn't happy ........ something missing ..... I still feel that way and have been thinking about it. I'm trying to figure out ... what the heck would make me happy .......... I don't know that this marriage was the answer. We're two different people that have different wants and plans . I don't know if I'm ready to give my plans up.
I'm still thinking a cabin somewhere , but then ......I don't think that will work .. Maybe a camper here up north for the summer and then (Like CGK) head south to Florida. My wife doesn't want to do that .....so I don't know .... .. I just might just go ....... without her.... Rather have her come with me, but ...... Bla-bla. bla...
So ,Kim................ Deep breath..................hot bath............. What is ..is ....
You're a wonderful person Kim .... . good heart ....... Attractive... intelligent ..... You're going to meet some nice fellow that's gong to recognize all of that . Just give it time ......
Ok....................... You take care........... don't get down on yourself.....
Bob . ...
I do agree with the others that a FB video is not an accurate picture of their life together. Maybe they are happy together, but we all know that no relationship is perfect. Of course, everyone puts their best self forward for others to see on FB. Him laughing in the background is not an indicator of his inner happiness. The next time you come across something like this, do your best to just walk away and not look further. You are doing so well in your healing and recovery. It's normal to have emotional setbacks at times. For me, a good book, bubble bath, and a glass of wine do wonders! I suspect by tomorrow you will be feeling much better. This is just a temporary dip in your journey to complete healing.
I remember when I was in my early twenties that I had my sister take a picture of me showing me in a good mood, all smiles and happy and that my life had moved on from leaving a major relationship that seemed to be the real deal. My intent was to some how get this picture to my ex boyfriend. Just to kind of rub it in his face. I was not happy though and for many years, there was loneliness. I never did send him that picture and I did eventually move on........in my own time......and when I was ready.
My dear, eventually, everyone starts to show their true colors. Right now your ex and the OW are in the "honeymoon" phase. Pretty soon it is going to be routine (you know , where all of a sudden you are opening up your own car doors or the guy fails to put the toilet seat down).
Try to focus on all the bad habits and annoyances that your ex has and what drove you crazy about his behavior. Then tell yourself that you are glad that you don't have to deal with that anymore. Eventually, the OW is going to start noticing the little imperfections and start to rethink her future. THink of the OW as a crutch that your husband is using. Soon it will "get old" and that OW is more than likely going to be out of the picture. She has no legal ties with him.
When your ex finds himself all alone, that is when the reality is going to hit him and hit him hard. His conscience will start to kick in and he is sure to feel major guilt for what he has done to you, the mother of his children.
You are being proactive by being a part of this support site and letting people help you work through this emotional roller coaster that we are all on. You will be okay eventually.
Focus on yourself for a while. Try not to watch any videos and limit yourself to computer use. Listen to music that does not have any words to the music or at least any station that plays "heart break " tunes. I listen to classical and KLOVE. This way, when this storm passes, you will not randomly hear a song over the years that is going to remind you of this time in your life. Trust me, it will stir those feelings again and those moments will bring you down.
You need to make a running list that you can look at when you are feeling so down like you are now. On the list, start writing down the things that bother you about your EX such as any bad habits or things that would bug you crazy. Refer to this list when you need to boost your confidence.
Watch a lot of comedy movies.
You are a strong woman!!!! You can get past this as each day brings new things. Each day can bring ups and downs. Each day brings in new possibilities. Each day gives us new hope.
I have my bad days too. It took me 13 years to gain the courage and strength to say I wanted a divorce. There are a lot of good memories mixed in with the bad and that is the tough part. We are amicable and fair in the divorce proceedings and are staying in the house together until it gets sold. I have had my moments of thinking that maybe I made the wrong decision to leave. That is because I can only remember the good things and hard to recall the bad. The STBX is actually being civil and i to him as at this point, any arguments are moot. I am seeing though the bad habits and moods and temper flair ups that have me saying in my mind " I'm not going to miss this".
So work with this tough time right now. Don't let that dweeb win and sabotage your life any more than he has. Surround yourself with friends or other activities for distractions. Start a new mantra when you get those moments......."I am stronger than this"......It really works. I said it in my head a lot in the last year and a half and it helped me to lose 123 pounds. Positive thinking and reinforcement is a powerful tool.
You can do this, kiddo.
I know this wouldn't sting nearly as much if I were happily settled in a new life of my own, with someone I love. It really does make a huge difference. In the meantime, I will continue to take care of myself and get through these last 2 semesters of school so I can graduate and move to a better area among more of my friends and family. Being in a perpetual transition state has taken its toll on me.
Thank you all for your kindness and your words of wisdom and support. I couldn't possibly get through these setbacks without you!
love and hugs
kamary
You wrote it is out of character for him to post on his account. Having said that...I think it may be the OW posting those things on his behalf. I see a lot of my women friends do that with their husbands accounts.
However, we all get how you feel. It totally sucks! (((HUGS)))