Take a deep breath, This place was a life-saver for me-know that you are not alone! Continue counseling without her, and get yourself an attorney.
It is super hard to think straight right now, and I am sorry you are going through this.

Take a deep breath, This place was a life-saver for me-know that you are not alone! Continue counseling without her, and get yourself an attorney.
It is super hard to think straight right now, and I am sorry you are going through this.

I'm so sorry to hear this, but I think you've come to a great place for support. This group has helped me to cope with my divorce much more quickly and easily than I would have otherwise.

Lori's already told you about taking deep breaths. Count them in and out, taking longer to breathe out than in eg in for 5, out for 10. Remember to eat healthily, get some exercise, and take care of yourself. Once you do get a handle on what's happening to you, you'll need your inner strength and your wits about you so that you can deal with what's ahead.

I agree with Lori. Keep going to counselling on your own and go see an attorney as soon as possible to find out what you need to do legally.

love and hugs
kamary

I have no idea how people can do this sort of thing. I don't understand why some people don't talk about their marriage problems and try to sort them out, but choose this sort of behaviour instead. I do believe it's cowardly and shows a weakness in their personality. It's easy to blame ourselves, but in fact, the problem is in them.

love and hugs
kamary

You've come to the right place. Most of us here have been though what's happening to you. You asked why she can so easily throw away the life you two have built together. I think it is because she checked out of the marriage a long time ago. She has had a "head start" so to speak,

Welcome to the group, no one ever wants to belong to, but finds to be a God-send

like kamary I have no idea how people can do this kind of thing but it happened to me as well. Looking at your situation, at least you don't still have to face her on a daily basis. I am still under the same roof as my STBX and it is extremely difficult to watch him do his THING with no regard to how it effects me or anyone else. It is a cowardly way to end a long time marriage, to just move on without saying anything. I never got an explanation either other than that is was my fault.
This is a great place for support, it helps me, that there are others out there who face the same hurt and issues. You are not alone.

If your like me, I found it nearly impossible to find resources that are written or targeted towards men. One book that I found helpful in the beginning (like you I didn't see it coming after 20 years) is the book; The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.
One of my favorite members here (Atimeforkim) published a really good list of books that I'll try and find and send to you.
You also need to look into joining a Divorce Care group. It is a free group that has people just like you who are going through different stages of divorce. Look at their website, use the find a group link and see where there is a group near you. It's a 12/13 week course but I encourage you to join even if they are halfway through a cycle. You can always go back and repeat the begging classes. http://www.divorcecare.org/

Hang in there. I was exactly where you are just 14 short months ago.

Achieving a verbal explanation from her might not be effective , after all, her actions are proof. Your wife may not allow the option of "reconciliation" to happen. She might not allow herself to turn every rock as an intervention to recover the marriage: she'd rather abandon it. She has certainly learned dysfunctional behaviors which opposes marital partnership.

It may be your clue to acknowledge her reality, get your ducks in order, and petition for divorce. This processing of your wife's actions might led you to sort out your emotions with counseling focusing your attention on appropriate responses as your options. So that you know, structured programs of Divorce Care assists on grief of lost. Good luck with your decision.

You have come to a great place for support. So many of us have been through what you are going through. It's 6 years today since he left, and I still ask myself the question of how he could just throw it all away, but then I realize now, I'm glad he did. I am living a much happier and healthier life for me! Take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Feel the feelings and push through. Counseling is a must and an attorney to make sure you are protected. Stay strong. We are here for you.

Big hugs to you. You have truly come to the right place. You will find the most amazing, caring people here. They will give you hope, they will nurture you, they will give you great book ideas, articles to read, and information like divorcecare (I went through 2 sessions), and so much more.

It's hard to believe that the ones we loved, and thought loved us, would choose to leave. But they do. And all of us have asked why? and continue to ask why? It's a journey to process all that you are now faced with. When I first got on this site 6 years ago, I read that it would take 2 years. I couldn't imagine being in the state of mind I was in with no appetite, crying all the time, betrayal, hurt, anger bitterness, decision about attorney's, property, etc. But the book that really helped me quite asking "why" was "Help, I'm in Love with Narcissist". When I read that book, I totally began to understand all the things I should have seen in my marriage of why he did things. It might not be the book for you but you WILL find the answers. Just keep looking and reading. Don't stop. You'll eventually start seeing things more clearly. And, I promise you this, if you do the work.,, you will come out on the other side, better than you ever could imagine. BUT, the road is hazardous and painful, but totally worth the journey.

So, keep coming on here and sharing your thoughts and hurts and you will get support. You will get wisdom. You will get understanding, and you will join the land of the living again.

I would take the time to journal on your page every day. There are others in exactly the same place as you are. Befriend them and start sharing your stories on your journals so that they can read and make comments of support. It helps so much. I journaled almost every day. You can make it private if it's just too painful or keeps you from being honest with where you are. Sometimes I shared and sometimes I kept it just for me. I would really pour out my anger and hurt on the private ones so that I could process and get the anger out.

I have a couple of book suggestions on top of the one already mentioned above. I would add "Love Must Be Tough" and The Language of Letting Go. I still read Language of letting go every day. It still speaks to me. It constantly keeps me moving forward in my healing and self-care.

Be kind to yourself. Do your work with counseling and get support with divorcecare. It'll change your life.

Sorry for the shitstorm that you wife thrust on you.
This site is helpful, this group in particular, what people post is well intended and insightful.
I'm only a couple of months ahead of you so I have no "success stories "
Like seeingthedawn says a lot of help seems to be geared towards a woman's perspective.

Me, I crashed when she dropped the news on me, no sleep, no eat, live far from family and hid it ,,, thankfully my brother saw me and slapped me out of it.
If you are hurting like I was. Please. Get yourself some help, counseling, clergy, family, friend... Someone that you can let see your vulnerability. I wanted to shut it down and isolate myself....not the way to go.
Let people help you, a lot of times they don't know how, so just shot the shit for a bit, you'll feel a little better and they may get a glimpse as to wha would be helpful

You'll hear all the bullshit about how you are not alone, others have gone through this, all that is true but it won't be helpful to you for awhile

Do not beat yourself up, you may never get answers to what you need to know from her, if so you'll need to come to terms with that so it doesn't eat at you ( the reality is that she'd probably flat out lie and blame you)

Please take a look in the mirror, you are a person of worth, even she is,
You can choose to make it through this shitstorm
You choose what you want but this world is short on good people so I'd prefer that you choose to come through all of this

Take care

Welcome to our group! We are a caring and supportive group and we've ALL been through the difficulty of separation and/or divorce after a lengthy marriage. You are NOT alone, and we are truly here to help each other.

While it's true that the group is comprised of more women than men (and you'll start to get that as you read through the threads) please don't let that discourage you! My own interpretation as to why the imbalance is simple: women just tend to reach out to each other and take self-care more seriously than you guys, who often want to (and are PROGRAMMED to!) tough it out.

Don't try to tough it out! You need support. Visit here often and ask anything and share anything you're comfortable with. You'll be surprised how many people have 'been' where you currently 'are'.

Another book I recommend that is not gender specific is "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends". Author is Bruce Fisher I think? Google it. The support group I attended a few years back used this book as a weekly chapter guide for discussions.

You're at the beginning, the broken heart and shock stage. It's tough, no doubt. But you WILL get through it.
Take care of you, and use every resource at your disposal. Lean on friends and family - you'll soon realize who is there for you and who isn't. Some folks just can't deal with it, and that hurts. But some will really step up and be there for you. Get through today. Tomorrow will take care of itself!

You are early in the process, but the quote shared by one of my "TEAM Jodi" members (quite recently) may be helpful...."Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got." I am nearing 4 years out since the beginning of the end (though there were commitments/lies shared for another 3+ months) and am still working on accepting these words. The legal end came fairly quickly, but I am still working on the emotional end.

Reach out to others. Reign in your friends and family. Be transparent. Believe that while you may be abandoned by this significant person, others will not abandon you, if you allow them to come into your pain.

I don't know your faith, but truly believe in the value of the presence of God. This world is way too crazy to face it without a higher power.

Offering you hope as you take one step at a time. Remember (another friend's advice) that you don't need enough light for the whole path, just enough for the next step.

Jodi

No since of being offended over masculine and feminine language. It's a good idea not letting the "gender" narratives get in the way of interpretation and understanding. The intended message ,for the most part, are met to be gender UNSPECIFIC. Some posters are astute in using generalized terms. Also, words using " all, never, everyone," are not met to be absolute and are not taken literal. It is also understood this group is a small sector of population having a specific interest. Opinions are not met to reflect the general population.

Our posters do come from a wide range: some had spouses who cheated [single and multiple] or not, some were abused , some petitioned divorced , some were abandoned , some with children or not, some in process while some have their divorce decree, and even some had multiple marriages with a single spouse. The commonality is the same: surviving after long term marriage.

For those who had sabotaged their marriages, my own personal word of caution due to the seemingly sensitivity of emotional pain caused from divorce, be prepared to be challenged. Empathy comes hard given to those who hurt their spouses.

Hugs Trying and welcome to our group. It really sucks that you need to be here but its the best place to be since you are. I cant think of anything more painful than divorce though deception and cheating. Short of loosing a child...this has been my greatest life challenge to date. I am 5 years post divorce for the 2nd time to the same man. The support I received here has been awesome to say the least! Please do not get caught up in the gender specific game...read through the advise and sort out what fits and what doesnt.

As already mentioned...you are at the beginning of this nightmare and are still in shock and the unknown is frightening...drastic change is...we've all been there. Seek out help and support from family and friends...google Divorce Care to find one close to you..join a Meetup group to help you get yourself back out there and meet new friends with similar interests. Find a good therapist to help you work through all the emotions that come up and most of all...find a good lawyer that will look after your best financial interests.

None of us know or understand why our long term partners did what they did...very few of our ex's could answer that question. I did get the chance to ask my ex why...I got a few answers but mostly it was...I dont know...I was unhappy. Bottom line...it really doesnt matter...what they did is unacceptable and life can not go on the way it was....change is forced upon us and we have no choice but to deal with it. It sucks! Big Hugs...Kathy