Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

My X got remarried...

LisaMariB
LisaMariB

I thought I was ready for this.  I thought it's not biggy we've been divorced for 6 years!!! wow... this is just how it goes.  


But I wasn't.  It was difficult to see the kids go to the wedding... they're grown adults 25/26 years old!  They're happy for him.  She's nice they compliment each other.. blah blah blah... then why does it hurt so bad?  My daughter left her invitation on the counter and I read their "story"... threw me into a tailspin... It seems they have been together longer than we've been divorced... but theirs no mention that he was a married man while they were making their friendship turn into something special.  It literally had me heaved over...


They had the most romatic wonderul wedding ceremoney... I saw someone's snapchat.. Not that i'm looking it just comes up on my rotation of friends and family.  the hurt the pain the rejection it just came flooding back.  Her ring her life with him the perfect wedding... all of it... it's not jealousy... its regret. it's longing. its rejection.  its him.  Why can't I turn this around and be indifferent.  Why is everyone so happy about except me.  


I have to pick my daughter up at the airport later tonight and I'm just not sure how I'm going to handle it.  Right now I'm a mess. I want to be strong for her and act like it didn't affect me.  Because of our situation we are like best friends and she knows not to tell me anything but it's also killing me inside to know.  It was everything we never had... we eloped and met up with close frineds and family and got married in a small church with a reception 2 weeks later.  it wasn't profecssional.  It wasn't over the top.  It was us at the time.  Now he gets this at 50!  


I just have to let all the tears out before she gets here so I don't have to do this all over.  


I guess its the injustice of it... I mean I would never have him back nor whould I want him back... so why do I feel this way?  why does it hurt so much again?  This sucks.

Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
Hugs my friend. Please be gentle with yourself. Let those tears out. Their relationship is based on a lie. Its foundation is shaky at best. They have nothing, no respect or honour. I am sure they to not trust each other. If they can do it with you, they can do it to you. That doubt will always be on the back of their mind. Their kids know what they did. I am sure they are putting up a front to keep the peace. You will be fine. Right now you are that emotional roller coaster ride. Hugs again
Misred
Misred
(((HUGS))) My EX has also remarried. I think it hurts because it is hard to see someone who hurt us so badly appear to be happy. It's like being hit by a mack truck and no one walking by even noticing or offering a hand...just carrying on with the happy lives.
Gutted
Gutted
This is a prime example of how the victors rewrite history leaving out critical details in their never ending quest to present themselves in the best possible light.

Has his yet occurred to you how absurdly funny this entire situation is? It sure seems like a marriage of symbolism over substance. How crass can you be to actually admit in your marital story that you fell in love while still married to someone else? Anyone with basic match skill will be able to figure that out. They are embarrassing themselves and to giddy on rewriting history to see it. Let them have their cookie. Who cares? Get up, dust yourself off and go do wonderful things. Things that make your past marriage look like a hilarious misadventure.

The real problem is you haven't grabbed the bull by the horns and lived out some of your fantasies, so their little wedding is hitting you hard. Go do something totally amazing, something you always wanted to do, something to make every single member of your bridge club sit there with their mouths hanging open when you tell every delicious detail. Enjoy being single. I know I would!
cmonge
cmonge
Oh my lord my heart hurts for you. Their little fantasy is sickening to those of us who've been cheated on. And the nerve to mention how they met prior to your divorce. Bragging about almost?? yuck!! But your kids love their dad and for them the pain hasn't been as acute as time has gone on and their lives have too. They've gotten used to her and maybe she treats them well. But you, my dear have every right to be very sad. Not because you want him back but because it's not fair. It's not fair in any way that you lost the marriage and family that you wanted and she they get to have it. So I hope you allowed yourself some sorrow because it's a true emotion.
But then I also hope you reminded yourself that your life is pretty good now and you are worthy of a better man than him. I hope the rest of your week improved! Many hugs.
cmonge
cmonge
I like the suggestion about having adventures. When my ex and I went to visit our daughter at college last weekend I was talking about my golf outings, my group bike rides, trips, etc... and he was a bit taken aback that my life is going quite well. I didn't do it or say it to make him jealous but I've started to expand my life and fill it with new experiences! He, on the other hand has filled his with more trips to bars with his new lady! yuck So do it for you!!!
Misred
Misred
I'm not directing this at Lisamarie

I agree with cmonge and gutted. It is important to get out and do things. Discover activities you enjoy. Go do those things your EX wouldn't go do when you were married. Live a fulfilled life. My EX thought I was going to curl up and die without him. He really thought I was dumb. He was shocked at how resourceful I was when it came to finding out what he was up to in his secret life when we were married. My life is so much more rewarding without him in it.
trisha9054
trisha9054
I will repeat what has already been written. I know this is true because my ex has cheated on his new wife. What your ex did to you he will do to her. Just give him some time to mess up.

I can guarantee you will get to the stage that you will be laughing at his stupidity. Before my divorce was final I was laughing at the email he sent me because it was all lies.

Take the time to vent and mourn and then pick yourself up and move forward. I understand the injustice and life just isn't fair and it sucks sometimes. That is when you have to put in the effort to move forward and make your life what you want and soon you will laugh too. It just takes those words some of us hate.....more time.

My ex thought he would be able to come back home after the divorce. Stupid man!! I fixed that with the last contempt hearing when I went into court with a birth certificate from his son in the Philippines and a Chinese marriage license to his current wife. I have not heard a peep from him in almost four years. Like Misred my life is so much better without "him again" in my life. Even my relationship with my daughter is better now.
yougospam
yougospam
I dread the day I find out my ex dates or marries. We don't have any kids or things in common so I avoid anything that may catch me off guard (Facebook, stores by where he lives for fear of running into him or his family, etc) I am 3 1/2 years out, coming up 2 years no contact but I know it will affect me the same way it did you. I hope that you were able to get past this trigger and continue in your healing journey.
Moscato
Moscato
My ex remarried one year ago this month. It came 7 years after he left our marriage for this woman who also happened to be his former girlfriend from college some thirty years prior. I knew at some point that they would get married and dreaded that day. When it finally came it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I kept myself busy and didn't let myself focus on it. My two adult kids did not attend the ceremony for which I was secretly grateful. They do not like this woman at all and still hold animosity toward her for her role in the divorce. I can imagine how you felt when you read "their story" on the initivation. The "story" of my ex and his girlfriend is one of two college sweethearts who found each other again after all these year. No mention of a wife and family he left behind. Very hurtful after we spent 26 years together raising a family together, etc. All you can do is let it go and make a conscious choice not to think about it. Focus on all the good people and things in your life. Fill your life with meaningful activites. I hope you are feeling better and more positive again soon.
11Christmases
11Christmases
I totally understand your pain. My ex remarried 7 months after our divorce was finalized, and I had to hear details from our young kids about who was there. My next-door neighbor actually said to my teenage son, "I can't believe your dad is finally getting married." Um, finally? We hadn't even been divorced a year. I immediately blocked this neighbor from my phone so he could no longer pester me to borrow my table for his numerous garage sales.

A few weeks later I became very sick. I do believe it was from the stress brought on by this, and other ways my ex tried to hurt me.

I'm sorry for your pain, but know you are not alone, for them to brag about their "story" is disgusting. Take care of you.
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