Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi everyone,
Some of you know that my daughter was due with twins and today she delivered them by C-section. Audrey was delivered 1st and weighed 6 lbs. 5 oz. and Anthony was born a few mins. later at 5 lbs. 12 oz. Big babies for early twins! They are healthy and did not need to go to ICU. My daughter did great too! I saw all of them and all is wonderful.
However, the hard part was that my STBX showed up as a surprise for my daughter and it ruined a happy day for me. We saw each other (after a long time) in her hospital room and he didn't even say hello. I did and he mumbled back a hello. Then for the next hour he totally ignored me and when he left he didn't even say goodbye to me. He just kissed the baby I was holding and left. I was so devastated that he treated me as a non-person after being with him for 40 years. I started crying and my daughter told me that I have been strong and to keep it up. I hated that this had to affect one of the best days of her life. But he has been so hurtful to me and I still can't believe it is the same husband who seemed to care and love me so much just a few months ago.
He is visiting again Sat. and Sun. and will stay at a motel but this will ruin the weekend when my daughter comes home from the hospital. He will be at her house and I don't want to have to leave like I did during his last visit with her. I am living with her for now. But it is torture to see him and be treated as if I wasn't even in the room. It took every ounce of strength within me not to ask him why he is being like this and could we not even have some sort of conversation? How long will this torture continue? He wants to move to the same city next year so he can be near our daughter and grandkids. I wish he would move to the moon or disappear completely. Just when I feel a little better he appears and I go back to the beginning of this rollercoaster. I know I have said this so many times but I still don't know why I am getting divorced and why he hates me so. A few months ago he and I bought appliances for our new home and he brought me breakfast in bed before I went to work. What could have happened? Since he told my sister that he has been unhappy for a long time why did he do those things? He told my daughter that he was "trying". But I never knew that he was not happy and so I cannot figure these things out. I have thought that maybe it was guilt because he was involved with someone else but he always came home after work and never worked "late".
Please advise me what I should do. I am struggling to stay positive and begin a new life without him but I think I still love him and wish this was a bad dream.
Thanks to all of you,
Donna
Some of you know that my daughter was due with twins and today she delivered them by C-section. Audrey was delivered 1st and weighed 6 lbs. 5 oz. and Anthony was born a few mins. later at 5 lbs. 12 oz. Big babies for early twins! They are healthy and did not need to go to ICU. My daughter did great too! I saw all of them and all is wonderful.
However, the hard part was that my STBX showed up as a surprise for my daughter and it ruined a happy day for me. We saw each other (after a long time) in her hospital room and he didn't even say hello. I did and he mumbled back a hello. Then for the next hour he totally ignored me and when he left he didn't even say goodbye to me. He just kissed the baby I was holding and left. I was so devastated that he treated me as a non-person after being with him for 40 years. I started crying and my daughter told me that I have been strong and to keep it up. I hated that this had to affect one of the best days of her life. But he has been so hurtful to me and I still can't believe it is the same husband who seemed to care and love me so much just a few months ago.
He is visiting again Sat. and Sun. and will stay at a motel but this will ruin the weekend when my daughter comes home from the hospital. He will be at her house and I don't want to have to leave like I did during his last visit with her. I am living with her for now. But it is torture to see him and be treated as if I wasn't even in the room. It took every ounce of strength within me not to ask him why he is being like this and could we not even have some sort of conversation? How long will this torture continue? He wants to move to the same city next year so he can be near our daughter and grandkids. I wish he would move to the moon or disappear completely. Just when I feel a little better he appears and I go back to the beginning of this rollercoaster. I know I have said this so many times but I still don't know why I am getting divorced and why he hates me so. A few months ago he and I bought appliances for our new home and he brought me breakfast in bed before I went to work. What could have happened? Since he told my sister that he has been unhappy for a long time why did he do those things? He told my daughter that he was "trying". But I never knew that he was not happy and so I cannot figure these things out. I have thought that maybe it was guilt because he was involved with someone else but he always came home after work and never worked "late".
Please advise me what I should do. I am struggling to stay positive and begin a new life without him but I think I still love him and wish this was a bad dream.
Thanks to all of you,
Donna
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
Congratulations on the 2 little miracles that were born today.
Hugs,
Rikki
My parents got divorced when I was 8. They bad mouthed each other, made every holiday confusing and a competition, and wouldn't be around each other I was a grown adult before they were forced to be alone once going to a funeral out of town and they rode together. They had to talk and they "got it all out!" I am 44 years old and we finally can organize holidays and get togethers without worrying about them being with each other. I know it's all very sensitive right now- but aim for being able to be around him one day without feeling horrible- maybe some counseling or something to learn how to move forward. You will to some degree learn how to be around him and maybe at some point you two can talk about things so there's some closure. I keep thinking my husband and I will be able to be friends but that will probably be very hard.
HUGS!!!
Focus on them....not the ass clown...... He is the non person not you. His behavior is the manifestation of inner guilt.
You are seeking answers that are sometimes very hard to understand. I was, too. Please take a look at the book list I posted here a week or so ago. In there you will find books that will help you to find the answers you need so you can understand what happened and how your husband can turn on you like he did. Many of us here have experienced the same Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde act. There are reasons for this, and you may be surprised by some of them.
Most importantly, when your husband treats you as a non-person, try as much as you can to muster the courage to stand tall and act like it doesn't phase you. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing your pain. I know it's hard, very hard. But, in the end, your daughter will applaud your strength and you will tap into a reservoir of strength that you never realized you had.
I truly feel for you. I am so very glad that I decided to move away from my ex. It made it so much easier for me to heal. Yet, he still makes it a point to text my daughter a bunch when he knows I'm with her just to hurt me. I never give him the satisfaction of knowing that it bothers me.
Hang in there. And, enjoy those grandbabies.
Kind regards,
Kim
Donna....I'm sorry your hurting...I've been down that road many times...just seeing my ex used to rip my heart out. There are no answers to why he does the things he does...if you were to ask him and he were to be honest...he's actually angry at himself...somehow he let himself down and he focuses it on you. For some strange reason...the person that does all the destruction is the one who lashes out with anger...its crazy making to even try to understand what they are thinking. Try your best not to let it get to you....easier said than done.
As long as you are living with your daughter...you have to suck it up. Once you get into your own place...you will have more control over dealing with your ex. You will then be able to go no contact...or pick and choose when you see him. My ex lives 4 blocks away from me and both my kids live within those 4 blocks...I have been able to maintain no contact with him since Sept...I have only seen his gf twice in 41/2 years. So...you have that to look forward to...you will be able to call the shots on when your paths cross with your ex...but as long as you are living at your daughters...you have little say...Big Hugs...Kathy
Sorry you had the special day ruined. Sounds like our stbx's got together and talked about how to blindside us. Concentrate on the babies and your daughter. Dont let him spoil your joy.
I'm so happy to hear about the twins and that they and their mother are doing so well. (((HUGS)))
My experience is different, I knew all the whys and my ex told me many a time why he wanted a divorce! We also went to therapy together and apart and although it did not make it easier, it sure the heck helped me cope and come out of this healthy. I have said many times on here, the best advice I got was from my lawyer's paralegal.. she said" You can not make someone love you, and you do NOT want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you. That is the bottom line. I believe that all of us on some level have to own our side, and deal with it and move on. My heart breaks for you, but do not expect that anytime soon, your stbx is going to relent. Or change. You can not read his mind, which many of try and think he lost his mind too!
Enjoy the Joy of the new grandchildren. Get a lawyer and if I may ask, why are you living with your daughter and son in law? IF you work, and he works, figure out a way to get going on this and get out on your own! That may help.. and if I missed that please forgive. I understand that you may be there to help your daughter, but some of us, were not working when we divorced, I was one, and he moved out. IT was hard financially but bad case for some here, they had to live together until they divorced. My best to you!
Congratulations to you ............
No matter what happened in your marriage ...and I know that it's been difficult for you !!!
No matter what ...................... because of Two beautiful children were brought into this world ...
You should be proud and thankful ....... All that I can say is ..GOOD FOR YOU .... God Bless them .
As far as your x ..ruining your day .................... DON"T LET HIM DO THAT ..... You're a better person .... I wouldn't even look at him .....or say SHIT to him . He's an Asshole... (And I don't usually swear ) ... He's an idiot ... Why can't people just be nice ..................just nice ...... Like hello .
I went through that for 6 or so years with my x family .Not my x ...we were always nice as best that we could after the divorce ... I let those other people ruin many of my times with the kids and the birthday parties ... It bother me so bad them not saying anything to me ...That I had to leave ..............Then as time went on..................I said ........no more .No more will I let them stop me ......... NEVER .. Then I use to just look them in the eye . they couldn't look back ...they knew they were wrong ... . I did nothing wrong .. they had no right to do that to me after all those years ... So from then on .... I just said to myself ........they better stay out of my way ..... Just two Christmases ago did my x Mother in Law come up to me and say Merry Christmas ... She died this last year .. May she rest in peace ....
Soooooooooooooooooo, Donna ...don't you dare let your x stop your happiness .......... You deserve more ..........Hold your head up high .............. Look him in the eye . You have nothing to be ashamed of .....................HE DOES !!!!. Please learn from my mistake ..... Don't wait like I did and miss everything ....
I think that he can take his Hellos .....or nodding of his head .... and stick it in his ASS...
He's not very nice ................. God doesn't like what he's doing .............
So, just enjoy the babies ......... What a gift ................. Amen ..
Take care ............. Start looking for clothes for the babies............. in sets of two ...HA-HA..
Remember .head up high . look him straight in the eye ............
See ya ......... Bob ..Timeman
Since you're in the process of divorce, make an effort to focus on the business side. DivorceCare will help with the emotions. Good luck to you.
It will hurt, but don't try to figure out why he does it. As Ms. Terey said, even if you could get an answer, it probably wouldn't be an honest one.
Congrats on the new babies!!! Put all your focus on them and give 'em loads of love!!!