Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi all, I am new to this. I am 46 years old 2 sons 24 and 15 and 2 grad kids.I am a general contractor and sole bread winner. I have been married for 17 years, and we have know each other for 21 years. She is from down under and I am from california. She has always been fisty and straight to the point, no bs ing around, you knew where you stood. I love her and how she carried herself, ones own unique style. Over the years we have had the above normal problems, From my porn viewing 15 years ago, to the last 3 years, of our oldest son on herion. rehabs and more. His girl friend getting pregnet,haveing to have DNA tests due to her deceptions and lies regurding their relationship. My mother having dementa and care giving for her for over 2 years ( she is now in assisted living).
My wife has built up her drinking and several years ago fights have evolved to a higher level when she drinks (like my father). At one point she was arrested for an extreme DUI. She had to go to programs, jail time and fees had to be paid. Our fights have been more and more.
The fights are mostly started by her and her extreme rage and in defence I fight back because I am fed up with it.We do a dance, once I am in , its a loose loose for me, no way out but to walk away and get needled for reaction. Other fights are started by me in reguards to our sons and what they are going through and or her ratical behavior. Her father (adopted) now has stage 3 prostrate cancer and is in the beginig stages of dementia. My wife has been careing for him (over the phone). His 10 to 16 calls a day have defenitaly run her down. He came out in aug and that is when she dropped the bomb, he had molested her as a child. We all were blown away, no one knew. This is when all hell broke loose, her rage seemed to explode and at me! not the abuser.
My defending myself from her rage attacks with my own anger of being attacked, I am angry towards her for doing this in front of our 15 year old. Her father was very physical and verbaly abusive, now sexually abuse has been exposed. The fights are a no win for me, from her wanting to sell the house and live on the street to her telling our 15 year to find a ride home from school because she will not be picking him up due to the fact that she will be living on the street. These attacks kept going and going.And more and more irratical behavior.
She kept telling me she should have left my ass a long time ago and divorced me. She took off her rings and basicly distant herself. She went out looking for a job. ( She raised our kids and took care of the house duties, a more that full time job) She left at 4pm and by 12 mid night after no answer or message, I text my oldest son to see if she was there, he had no idea where she was. By 1;30 he found her but only said she was fine and she would be back in the morning. During the next 3 days, she crept out at 11pm to make a phone call, got caught in lies, and she claimed our oldest son knew where she was that night. So I am think affair, shes have an affair!
Many more verbal encounters
She picked a fight with me on a thursday night, and left the house 5 times back and forth in a complete rage, then drove a 6 hr trip to see her abusive father at 10;30 at night and came back the next night, a 22 hr road trip, Crazy! She then said wait and see what happens in 2 days!
In 2 days, nothing happened.
I have choose not to talk to her at all and do my thing (which is used by her, that I punish her by the silent treatment). Days before thanksgiving we both decited to be civil, it was great! we got along, talking laughing and just being a couple. I was on cloud nine. We have always been close, talking and laughing, fliting and very intimate over our 21 years. Thanksgiving evening she wanted to watch a movie, just the 2 of us.I was loving this. Then she brought up the past, her past ,my porno stuff of 15 years ago and she wanted to fight. I got up ,told I was not going to fight and left the room. she followed in now full rage, I took my son to his friend house, like I had done before.
I came back to 3 more confrontations, i left and came back when she was a sleep in the other room. What i did not know, she took 13 oxycoatons, (trip to her fathers, his meds). The next day, around 130 pm my 15 years sons found his mother in the bedroom,face swollen and very close to death. he called me in a panic. I called the paramedics, they gave her the electric jolt for her heartbeat, rushed her to the hospital. Her liver and kidneys were in danger of shutting down, or at best they would be damaged. For the next 4 days she recovered and supprised everyone. The phys released her from the hospital with out inpatient counseling, Big mistake!
Within 4 days, she is enrage again, telling our youngest son, that she had not finished what she started, I call crisis, I called them 3 more times in a week and a half. By dec 27 she was now acting like she was on cocain or meth. I have gone through everything in the house looking for anything and getting rid of any pill or alcohol, my oldest sons recovery meds. I finaly took her to the emergency room, she though it was 1996 feb 12th. They ran blood tests and scans and in 8 hrs there was no trace of anything in her blood, they told me she mental broke. They then released her. I went to the mental hospital the next day, they told me that she had had a stroke and delearium in the brain. On Dec 31 I had to pation the court to get her.
They came and got her at 11;50, by 4 am she was transfer to Good Sam. For the next few days, she had spinal taps, MRI s, and other tests, 6 doctors and when her mental statis was stable, they transfered her to the mental ward on Jan 7th to Jan 2oth. During that time, she was dianosed with pregresive dementa, brain damage. In 2 days the dianosed her with a rare brain disorder( dhsp??) toxins in the brain due to what she took) and in the last 4 days of her stay, she made a complete recovery! What a blessing a second lease on life.
Now because she is all better, the ahcss insurance may not cover her bills. The mental ward released her and because she is good to go, they can not make her go to and counseling, any programs, just check ups for her meds.
She has been back a week and a day, as of today. Within 4 hoursof her getting back, she started, pissy mood, fights me on the doctors orders to be watched for several days, taking meds complete resentment. By the second day, I am blamed for making most of this up, turning her friends against her, that the doctors don't know what they are doing and so on and so on. I am back to where we started. She made a statement to my youngest son that I am the reason that she wanted to kill herself.
Most importantly, is the protection of my son! I have him in counseling, school and out source, friends and backing and support from all.
My oldest son is in denial, and still has that druggy brain, sleeps untill 1pm, but he does work and cares for his kids, regiously! But does not want to deal with his mother situation.And he resents me when I get on his ass to do anything. (like his mother) The kids are torn apart, my oldest with his mother, and my youngest with me.
I do remodels and before Nov, we were ok, 10,000 on a cc, and jobs in the future , ready to go. loosing all the jobs during this time of chaos and with the med bills, (no insurace) I am now 140,000.00 in the hole, Being blamed for everything by her, protecting my youngest son and trying to keep order and security for all. I am at my wits end! I want out, is that wrong?? I feel that I have done more than my fair share, and that I am being drained of everything I have.being draing of my being!. I am trying to get 2 jobs right now and I will get them, catch up on my bills (2 months now behind), get a savings, and see where I am at and see where my son is at. He is fed up with his mother and brother. On a postive note, our father and son relationship as grown a lot stronger.So I am making several plans for the near future. This of couse will change, due to that she has not gotten help for what the issues are in the first place, After years of fighting me on seeing a counsler, she is now open to it, as long as its her pick.
Its been hell! this was up to march 2012
My wife has built up her drinking and several years ago fights have evolved to a higher level when she drinks (like my father). At one point she was arrested for an extreme DUI. She had to go to programs, jail time and fees had to be paid. Our fights have been more and more.
The fights are mostly started by her and her extreme rage and in defence I fight back because I am fed up with it.We do a dance, once I am in , its a loose loose for me, no way out but to walk away and get needled for reaction. Other fights are started by me in reguards to our sons and what they are going through and or her ratical behavior. Her father (adopted) now has stage 3 prostrate cancer and is in the beginig stages of dementia. My wife has been careing for him (over the phone). His 10 to 16 calls a day have defenitaly run her down. He came out in aug and that is when she dropped the bomb, he had molested her as a child. We all were blown away, no one knew. This is when all hell broke loose, her rage seemed to explode and at me! not the abuser.
My defending myself from her rage attacks with my own anger of being attacked, I am angry towards her for doing this in front of our 15 year old. Her father was very physical and verbaly abusive, now sexually abuse has been exposed. The fights are a no win for me, from her wanting to sell the house and live on the street to her telling our 15 year to find a ride home from school because she will not be picking him up due to the fact that she will be living on the street. These attacks kept going and going.And more and more irratical behavior.
She kept telling me she should have left my ass a long time ago and divorced me. She took off her rings and basicly distant herself. She went out looking for a job. ( She raised our kids and took care of the house duties, a more that full time job) She left at 4pm and by 12 mid night after no answer or message, I text my oldest son to see if she was there, he had no idea where she was. By 1;30 he found her but only said she was fine and she would be back in the morning. During the next 3 days, she crept out at 11pm to make a phone call, got caught in lies, and she claimed our oldest son knew where she was that night. So I am think affair, shes have an affair!
Many more verbal encounters
She picked a fight with me on a thursday night, and left the house 5 times back and forth in a complete rage, then drove a 6 hr trip to see her abusive father at 10;30 at night and came back the next night, a 22 hr road trip, Crazy! She then said wait and see what happens in 2 days!
In 2 days, nothing happened.
I have choose not to talk to her at all and do my thing (which is used by her, that I punish her by the silent treatment). Days before thanksgiving we both decited to be civil, it was great! we got along, talking laughing and just being a couple. I was on cloud nine. We have always been close, talking and laughing, fliting and very intimate over our 21 years. Thanksgiving evening she wanted to watch a movie, just the 2 of us.I was loving this. Then she brought up the past, her past ,my porno stuff of 15 years ago and she wanted to fight. I got up ,told I was not going to fight and left the room. she followed in now full rage, I took my son to his friend house, like I had done before.
I came back to 3 more confrontations, i left and came back when she was a sleep in the other room. What i did not know, she took 13 oxycoatons, (trip to her fathers, his meds). The next day, around 130 pm my 15 years sons found his mother in the bedroom,face swollen and very close to death. he called me in a panic. I called the paramedics, they gave her the electric jolt for her heartbeat, rushed her to the hospital. Her liver and kidneys were in danger of shutting down, or at best they would be damaged. For the next 4 days she recovered and supprised everyone. The phys released her from the hospital with out inpatient counseling, Big mistake!
Within 4 days, she is enrage again, telling our youngest son, that she had not finished what she started, I call crisis, I called them 3 more times in a week and a half. By dec 27 she was now acting like she was on cocain or meth. I have gone through everything in the house looking for anything and getting rid of any pill or alcohol, my oldest sons recovery meds. I finaly took her to the emergency room, she though it was 1996 feb 12th. They ran blood tests and scans and in 8 hrs there was no trace of anything in her blood, they told me she mental broke. They then released her. I went to the mental hospital the next day, they told me that she had had a stroke and delearium in the brain. On Dec 31 I had to pation the court to get her.
They came and got her at 11;50, by 4 am she was transfer to Good Sam. For the next few days, she had spinal taps, MRI s, and other tests, 6 doctors and when her mental statis was stable, they transfered her to the mental ward on Jan 7th to Jan 2oth. During that time, she was dianosed with pregresive dementa, brain damage. In 2 days the dianosed her with a rare brain disorder( dhsp??) toxins in the brain due to what she took) and in the last 4 days of her stay, she made a complete recovery! What a blessing a second lease on life.
Now because she is all better, the ahcss insurance may not cover her bills. The mental ward released her and because she is good to go, they can not make her go to and counseling, any programs, just check ups for her meds.
She has been back a week and a day, as of today. Within 4 hoursof her getting back, she started, pissy mood, fights me on the doctors orders to be watched for several days, taking meds complete resentment. By the second day, I am blamed for making most of this up, turning her friends against her, that the doctors don't know what they are doing and so on and so on. I am back to where we started. She made a statement to my youngest son that I am the reason that she wanted to kill herself.
Most importantly, is the protection of my son! I have him in counseling, school and out source, friends and backing and support from all.
My oldest son is in denial, and still has that druggy brain, sleeps untill 1pm, but he does work and cares for his kids, regiously! But does not want to deal with his mother situation.And he resents me when I get on his ass to do anything. (like his mother) The kids are torn apart, my oldest with his mother, and my youngest with me.
I do remodels and before Nov, we were ok, 10,000 on a cc, and jobs in the future , ready to go. loosing all the jobs during this time of chaos and with the med bills, (no insurace) I am now 140,000.00 in the hole, Being blamed for everything by her, protecting my youngest son and trying to keep order and security for all. I am at my wits end! I want out, is that wrong?? I feel that I have done more than my fair share, and that I am being drained of everything I have.being draing of my being!. I am trying to get 2 jobs right now and I will get them, catch up on my bills (2 months now behind), get a savings, and see where I am at and see where my son is at. He is fed up with his mother and brother. On a postive note, our father and son relationship as grown a lot stronger.So I am making several plans for the near future. This of couse will change, due to that she has not gotten help for what the issues are in the first place, After years of fighting me on seeing a counsler, she is now open to it, as long as its her pick.
Its been hell! this was up to march 2012
And something else I learned from being married to my addict... when the pain becomes too unbearable, the first thing they do is try to smother it with drugs or alcohol. When that doesn't work, they strike out at the ones they love the most because we're the "safe" ones to vent to. Over time as that pain doesn't get dealt with and grows, the anger and hate they feel for themselves gets twisted and projected to the "safe" person. And that's why abuse happens... and why the children are likely to become addicts and/or abusers themselves. By giving your son a safe place to go, and power of his own, will break the cycle for him. This is gonna hurt for a while, but it does pass. {{HUGS}}
I could not sleep last night, but had a sense of relief that the reports that I included in my order are fact! I do have several fears.a,b, c,d......
a, I dont get her order squashed, (she has nothing on me I have no record what so ever and I have stacks on her disfunction)
b. she does not show up, her order gets squashed.. but when I go home what do I find?????
c. no mater what I will call the police to go into the house first.. incase she has trashed it... or worst.. she did a suicide.
d. I want a drug dog to be used on the house to get out what ever is there.
e I will have my son at my dad house while all this is happening, I do not him to experiance my next fear
I agree that this is building up and this if far from done. her spinning out of control has stepped up since the her order, the resientments one of me and son leaving with me has become a major I am sure for her.
She has made no attempt to contact him to see if she is ok, nor has the brother.
so onward today!
Prayers and hugs for you tomorrow!!!
Diane
Well you have picked an apt name.......maybe you knew subsconsciously? Consciously not.
You are the adult in this family - whether you like it or not. Life as you know it /want it to be, depends on you (your son for example).
I am so proud of you to speak so openly with us and share and trust. I hope these wonderful people here have helped in some small way for you to collect your thoughts and find a way forward.
We can't help the bleeding, but we can be a tournache. ( not sure of that spelling, not medical)
Hugs and blessings to you.
I am off to court
Diane
I went to court, a inpact counsler was there for my son and suport of us. Around 9 I found out my wife was served with my divorce papers and the order of protection( mine) We were waiting to go in when my wife oldest son and her friend walked in, my wife walked right passed my son , did not look at him, did not ever acknoledge him whatso ever, his brother did the same and her friend did the same. absoutely disgusting, I felt so bad for him. He waited out in the hall way with the counsler, while we all went into the court room. she called the oldest son and her friend a s a witness , they slammed my youngest son as a angry kid taking after his father (me), I told the judge all the issues for herion usage to suicide to my protection of my son. Long story short, the judge felt I was too stressed and belived her lies, she cried in court and when she got her witness, my youngest son said she was jittery with excitment.. When the judge gave her the confirmation that her order would be inforced, she was happy. Happy??????? you ruined any chance of having anything with your son, She lost the love. she lost everything from her son. She walked past him in the hall smiling , did not look at him , nothing and left. I was so disgusted. I had lost this time, so what does this mean??? I cant go back to my house for 6 months, (we cant go back) I now have to find a place to live for my son and I. My order of protection?? she out of the house too. the judge gave her an option , because it was her order, that that my son and I could stay at the house until my order was disputed, she denied it. So as far as she knows we are on the street, My bussiness ins run out of the home, I asked the judge if he could grant me 6 hrs to get my stuff, he told me 1 visting with police for 15min , thats it! My bussiness is now in shambles. I have been printing shirts of my art and selling on ebay, I now have to return the only 534. oo I made because I cant produce product. The only one that can go to the house is my youngest son while I wait at the curb. Here another problem, the dogs were not fed for 3 days, so the dogs are left along in a house that no one lves in. When he went in, he filmed the distruction she and the oldest son did, all photos, clothes and she took decorative bottles with run and vodca (20 year old stuff not opened) found more tin foil and lighters. They f...ing ransacked my house. We were there today, I had my son and a friend set up the lights, lock all windows, snap the keys off in the doors, except for the ones I have the keys too, secure the house and told the neibors that If anyone goes there to call the cops. The oldest is luting my house its a free for all. so my dad is lending me the money for a rental, for attorneys and living, I am selling my 2007 honda so I can pay him back. But I have hired 2 attorneys , one for the faulse charge of domestic violance ( I dont even have a traffic ticket and no record what so ever) and one for the divorce. I meet then monday, I am now into 8,000 and it will be more. i am spinning, I dont get how someone with her record, oldests record can get this and a father who is proteting his son gets shafted. I am so so upset!
Prayers and hugs!!
Diane
Mean while my son and I think we found a house to rent, with space for the dogs and near the school. He likes it and so do I . all of you are so right, it happens for a reason, if I get this place, its ours and the attorney can do the fight for me. and I get a life , my son makes a new secure peaceful life.!
So I just want to give you a head's up... You've just entered into a war, and the judge sees this time and time again... when the shock wears off, ANGER is gonna set in, and it's gonna be HUGE and it's gonna be UGLY. So the judge isn't doing this to hit you with anything, it's more likely that he's trying to avert a really bad situation that he KNOWS is coming VERY SOON.
So along these lines, PLAN for the anger. Imagine the maddest you'll ever be and figure out ways to get rid of it HEALTHY.... camp with your son, hike, bike rides. This not only helps, but will give you and your son a chance to get out those emotions without harming anything or anyone.
WAR STRATEGY... because here it comes, I'm sorry to say.... Abusers attack where you feel the most.... partly because they have this warped sense that THEY feel betrayed that you didn't love them enough to "take it".
Your son.... best scenario would be if she didn't want anything to do with him. That way, he'd be out of the fire of her emotional state, which you already know is very unstable. If he has his own representation, it will go much easier for him....
The dogs.... can you get permission to remove them from her vicinity?
The business... this is actually a GOOD thing! Think about it this way... 1. Everything is temporary and after the divorce, you can restart it if you want. Because 2... If you don't have a business or "income", she won't be able to get much, if anything, for alimony, right? OR you may be able to ask for alimony for yourself, depending on the law? And there's child support if your son is staying with you until age 18! And the business and all it's assets are probably considered marital property, so this is where the judge HAS to say wait so you can both work out the division.
The house and STUFF... It's all THINGS. Make a list of things you'd really like, things you know she wants. And then negotiate for what you want....
For example.... I wanted the house, he wanted to sell - it wasn't in good enough condition to sell, so I offered to buy it, and he accepted. But if you both agree to sell, there will be a great way to start over.
I wanted the dogs - he demanded my puppy... not that he wanted him, but he wanted it to HURT. So I counter-offered joint custody of all 3 of them... he'd get them when I was working, I'd have them overnight and weekends. When he thought about my counter offer, he realized that meant he'd have to be RESPONSIBLE for them, so decided it would hurt more if I had to deal with them full time, lol. So, I pretended that would be a hardship and that he should at least pay for the vet bills (and I agreed to pay for the cats).... DEAL.
So think about it this way.... you are a negotiating MASTER, lol... and the better you work with her emotions (through attorneys of course), the faster this will go. Because, I know from experience - my sister and her X fought over a LAWN CHAIR for 3 years (seriously - not like they couldn't go BUY a new one), while my divorce was over in 3 months and super smooth. It requires LOTS of teeth gritting, and I had to keep telling myself that the divorce was the right decision everytime it hurt. But he doesn't know it hurt.... and things are GREAT now... for me, lol.
Hang in there!