Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi all, I am new to this. I am 46 years old 2 sons 24 and 15 and 2 grad kids.I am a general contractor and sole bread winner. I have been married for 17 years, and we have know each other for 21 years. She is from down under and I am from california. She has always been fisty and straight to the point, no bs ing around, you knew where you stood. I love her and how she carried herself, ones own unique style. Over the years we have had the above normal problems, From my porn viewing 15 years ago, to the last 3 years, of our oldest son on herion. rehabs and more. His girl friend getting pregnet,haveing to have DNA tests due to her deceptions and lies regurding their relationship. My mother having dementa and care giving for her for over 2 years ( she is now in assisted living).
My wife has built up her drinking and several years ago fights have evolved to a higher level when she drinks (like my father). At one point she was arrested for an extreme DUI. She had to go to programs, jail time and fees had to be paid. Our fights have been more and more.
The fights are mostly started by her and her extreme rage and in defence I fight back because I am fed up with it.We do a dance, once I am in , its a loose loose for me, no way out but to walk away and get needled for reaction. Other fights are started by me in reguards to our sons and what they are going through and or her ratical behavior. Her father (adopted) now has stage 3 prostrate cancer and is in the beginig stages of dementia. My wife has been careing for him (over the phone). His 10 to 16 calls a day have defenitaly run her down. He came out in aug and that is when she dropped the bomb, he had molested her as a child. We all were blown away, no one knew. This is when all hell broke loose, her rage seemed to explode and at me! not the abuser.
My defending myself from her rage attacks with my own anger of being attacked, I am angry towards her for doing this in front of our 15 year old. Her father was very physical and verbaly abusive, now sexually abuse has been exposed. The fights are a no win for me, from her wanting to sell the house and live on the street to her telling our 15 year to find a ride home from school because she will not be picking him up due to the fact that she will be living on the street. These attacks kept going and going.And more and more irratical behavior.
She kept telling me she should have left my ass a long time ago and divorced me. She took off her rings and basicly distant herself. She went out looking for a job. ( She raised our kids and took care of the house duties, a more that full time job) She left at 4pm and by 12 mid night after no answer or message, I text my oldest son to see if she was there, he had no idea where she was. By 1;30 he found her but only said she was fine and she would be back in the morning. During the next 3 days, she crept out at 11pm to make a phone call, got caught in lies, and she claimed our oldest son knew where she was that night. So I am think affair, shes have an affair!
Many more verbal encounters
She picked a fight with me on a thursday night, and left the house 5 times back and forth in a complete rage, then drove a 6 hr trip to see her abusive father at 10;30 at night and came back the next night, a 22 hr road trip, Crazy! She then said wait and see what happens in 2 days!
In 2 days, nothing happened.
I have choose not to talk to her at all and do my thing (which is used by her, that I punish her by the silent treatment). Days before thanksgiving we both decited to be civil, it was great! we got along, talking laughing and just being a couple. I was on cloud nine. We have always been close, talking and laughing, fliting and very intimate over our 21 years. Thanksgiving evening she wanted to watch a movie, just the 2 of us.I was loving this. Then she brought up the past, her past ,my porno stuff of 15 years ago and she wanted to fight. I got up ,told I was not going to fight and left the room. she followed in now full rage, I took my son to his friend house, like I had done before.
I came back to 3 more confrontations, i left and came back when she was a sleep in the other room. What i did not know, she took 13 oxycoatons, (trip to her fathers, his meds). The next day, around 130 pm my 15 years sons found his mother in the bedroom,face swollen and very close to death. he called me in a panic. I called the paramedics, they gave her the electric jolt for her heartbeat, rushed her to the hospital. Her liver and kidneys were in danger of shutting down, or at best they would be damaged. For the next 4 days she recovered and supprised everyone. The phys released her from the hospital with out inpatient counseling, Big mistake!
Within 4 days, she is enrage again, telling our youngest son, that she had not finished what she started, I call crisis, I called them 3 more times in a week and a half. By dec 27 she was now acting like she was on cocain or meth. I have gone through everything in the house looking for anything and getting rid of any pill or alcohol, my oldest sons recovery meds. I finaly took her to the emergency room, she though it was 1996 feb 12th. They ran blood tests and scans and in 8 hrs there was no trace of anything in her blood, they told me she mental broke. They then released her. I went to the mental hospital the next day, they told me that she had had a stroke and delearium in the brain. On Dec 31 I had to pation the court to get her.
They came and got her at 11;50, by 4 am she was transfer to Good Sam. For the next few days, she had spinal taps, MRI s, and other tests, 6 doctors and when her mental statis was stable, they transfered her to the mental ward on Jan 7th to Jan 2oth. During that time, she was dianosed with pregresive dementa, brain damage. In 2 days the dianosed her with a rare brain disorder( dhsp??) toxins in the brain due to what she took) and in the last 4 days of her stay, she made a complete recovery! What a blessing a second lease on life.
Now because she is all better, the ahcss insurance may not cover her bills. The mental ward released her and because she is good to go, they can not make her go to and counseling, any programs, just check ups for her meds.
She has been back a week and a day, as of today. Within 4 hoursof her getting back, she started, pissy mood, fights me on the doctors orders to be watched for several days, taking meds complete resentment. By the second day, I am blamed for making most of this up, turning her friends against her, that the doctors don't know what they are doing and so on and so on. I am back to where we started. She made a statement to my youngest son that I am the reason that she wanted to kill herself.
Most importantly, is the protection of my son! I have him in counseling, school and out source, friends and backing and support from all.
My oldest son is in denial, and still has that druggy brain, sleeps untill 1pm, but he does work and cares for his kids, regiously! But does not want to deal with his mother situation.And he resents me when I get on his ass to do anything. (like his mother) The kids are torn apart, my oldest with his mother, and my youngest with me.
I do remodels and before Nov, we were ok, 10,000 on a cc, and jobs in the future , ready to go. loosing all the jobs during this time of chaos and with the med bills, (no insurace) I am now 140,000.00 in the hole, Being blamed for everything by her, protecting my youngest son and trying to keep order and security for all. I am at my wits end! I want out, is that wrong?? I feel that I have done more than my fair share, and that I am being drained of everything I have.being draing of my being!. I am trying to get 2 jobs right now and I will get them, catch up on my bills (2 months now behind), get a savings, and see where I am at and see where my son is at. He is fed up with his mother and brother. On a postive note, our father and son relationship as grown a lot stronger.So I am making several plans for the near future. This of couse will change, due to that she has not gotten help for what the issues are in the first place, After years of fighting me on seeing a counsler, she is now open to it, as long as its her pick.
Its been hell! this was up to march 2012
My wife has built up her drinking and several years ago fights have evolved to a higher level when she drinks (like my father). At one point she was arrested for an extreme DUI. She had to go to programs, jail time and fees had to be paid. Our fights have been more and more.
The fights are mostly started by her and her extreme rage and in defence I fight back because I am fed up with it.We do a dance, once I am in , its a loose loose for me, no way out but to walk away and get needled for reaction. Other fights are started by me in reguards to our sons and what they are going through and or her ratical behavior. Her father (adopted) now has stage 3 prostrate cancer and is in the beginig stages of dementia. My wife has been careing for him (over the phone). His 10 to 16 calls a day have defenitaly run her down. He came out in aug and that is when she dropped the bomb, he had molested her as a child. We all were blown away, no one knew. This is when all hell broke loose, her rage seemed to explode and at me! not the abuser.
My defending myself from her rage attacks with my own anger of being attacked, I am angry towards her for doing this in front of our 15 year old. Her father was very physical and verbaly abusive, now sexually abuse has been exposed. The fights are a no win for me, from her wanting to sell the house and live on the street to her telling our 15 year to find a ride home from school because she will not be picking him up due to the fact that she will be living on the street. These attacks kept going and going.And more and more irratical behavior.
She kept telling me she should have left my ass a long time ago and divorced me. She took off her rings and basicly distant herself. She went out looking for a job. ( She raised our kids and took care of the house duties, a more that full time job) She left at 4pm and by 12 mid night after no answer or message, I text my oldest son to see if she was there, he had no idea where she was. By 1;30 he found her but only said she was fine and she would be back in the morning. During the next 3 days, she crept out at 11pm to make a phone call, got caught in lies, and she claimed our oldest son knew where she was that night. So I am think affair, shes have an affair!
Many more verbal encounters
She picked a fight with me on a thursday night, and left the house 5 times back and forth in a complete rage, then drove a 6 hr trip to see her abusive father at 10;30 at night and came back the next night, a 22 hr road trip, Crazy! She then said wait and see what happens in 2 days!
In 2 days, nothing happened.
I have choose not to talk to her at all and do my thing (which is used by her, that I punish her by the silent treatment). Days before thanksgiving we both decited to be civil, it was great! we got along, talking laughing and just being a couple. I was on cloud nine. We have always been close, talking and laughing, fliting and very intimate over our 21 years. Thanksgiving evening she wanted to watch a movie, just the 2 of us.I was loving this. Then she brought up the past, her past ,my porno stuff of 15 years ago and she wanted to fight. I got up ,told I was not going to fight and left the room. she followed in now full rage, I took my son to his friend house, like I had done before.
I came back to 3 more confrontations, i left and came back when she was a sleep in the other room. What i did not know, she took 13 oxycoatons, (trip to her fathers, his meds). The next day, around 130 pm my 15 years sons found his mother in the bedroom,face swollen and very close to death. he called me in a panic. I called the paramedics, they gave her the electric jolt for her heartbeat, rushed her to the hospital. Her liver and kidneys were in danger of shutting down, or at best they would be damaged. For the next 4 days she recovered and supprised everyone. The phys released her from the hospital with out inpatient counseling, Big mistake!
Within 4 days, she is enrage again, telling our youngest son, that she had not finished what she started, I call crisis, I called them 3 more times in a week and a half. By dec 27 she was now acting like she was on cocain or meth. I have gone through everything in the house looking for anything and getting rid of any pill or alcohol, my oldest sons recovery meds. I finaly took her to the emergency room, she though it was 1996 feb 12th. They ran blood tests and scans and in 8 hrs there was no trace of anything in her blood, they told me she mental broke. They then released her. I went to the mental hospital the next day, they told me that she had had a stroke and delearium in the brain. On Dec 31 I had to pation the court to get her.
They came and got her at 11;50, by 4 am she was transfer to Good Sam. For the next few days, she had spinal taps, MRI s, and other tests, 6 doctors and when her mental statis was stable, they transfered her to the mental ward on Jan 7th to Jan 2oth. During that time, she was dianosed with pregresive dementa, brain damage. In 2 days the dianosed her with a rare brain disorder( dhsp??) toxins in the brain due to what she took) and in the last 4 days of her stay, she made a complete recovery! What a blessing a second lease on life.
Now because she is all better, the ahcss insurance may not cover her bills. The mental ward released her and because she is good to go, they can not make her go to and counseling, any programs, just check ups for her meds.
She has been back a week and a day, as of today. Within 4 hoursof her getting back, she started, pissy mood, fights me on the doctors orders to be watched for several days, taking meds complete resentment. By the second day, I am blamed for making most of this up, turning her friends against her, that the doctors don't know what they are doing and so on and so on. I am back to where we started. She made a statement to my youngest son that I am the reason that she wanted to kill herself.
Most importantly, is the protection of my son! I have him in counseling, school and out source, friends and backing and support from all.
My oldest son is in denial, and still has that druggy brain, sleeps untill 1pm, but he does work and cares for his kids, regiously! But does not want to deal with his mother situation.And he resents me when I get on his ass to do anything. (like his mother) The kids are torn apart, my oldest with his mother, and my youngest with me.
I do remodels and before Nov, we were ok, 10,000 on a cc, and jobs in the future , ready to go. loosing all the jobs during this time of chaos and with the med bills, (no insurace) I am now 140,000.00 in the hole, Being blamed for everything by her, protecting my youngest son and trying to keep order and security for all. I am at my wits end! I want out, is that wrong?? I feel that I have done more than my fair share, and that I am being drained of everything I have.being draing of my being!. I am trying to get 2 jobs right now and I will get them, catch up on my bills (2 months now behind), get a savings, and see where I am at and see where my son is at. He is fed up with his mother and brother. On a postive note, our father and son relationship as grown a lot stronger.So I am making several plans for the near future. This of couse will change, due to that she has not gotten help for what the issues are in the first place, After years of fighting me on seeing a counsler, she is now open to it, as long as its her pick.
Its been hell! this was up to march 2012
The fear is also natural. Know that "knowledge" is how to handle fear. Have you seen your attorney lately? Make sure you know your position and what you can do about preventing her taking you to the cleaners.
Whenever you feel fear, work out what that fear is, and learn as much as you can about the subject. If you're afraid of being sad, look it up, eg "how to handle feeling sad about marriage break-up" or call a friend you can talk to, write here, or see a therapist.
Always do something, even if it's sit by yourself and think it all through, write it all down in a journal, but don't just let your fear run rampant.
The feelings of rejection, being used and abandoned are also all part of a marriage breakdown. Keep telling yourself that you are not the sort of person she's turned you into. You are feeling this way because you loved her and worked hard at making your marriage work. You had hope and remembered the girl you married, but she's gone. Perhaps you stayed a little too long like I did, in the hope that the person you'd loved so much would return. It's hard to face the reality that they've changed, they've chosen another path in life, and it hurts like hell. But face reality we must, and also face the real you inside, the strong one who has moral values and loves unconditionally. You will get through this. As KRK says regularly, there's only one way out and that is through.
love and hugs, prayers for peace and joy
kamary
First, the reason you keep looking back is because you wish for those good memories you've held onto all these years. What I did, is separate that.... I grieved for those good memories as if the good person he was had died. I have photos of all those moments filling my office. It allowed me to remember, even SMILE and still move on - after the grieving passed (I filed in May, it passed for me after Christmas - which was hell - but got better in January).
The other side... the hardest part was letting go. Because for the past ___ years (for me it was 30) you've been taking care of an addict. It was your job to fix things... your job to make both your lives secure through the insanity of it. You've been living for TWO people, PLUS your kids! And that's really hard to suddenly let go. BUT YOU HAVE TO LET GO!!! Because if you don't, there will be more pain, more arguments, more attacks, and a whole lot more legal trouble. And those are the LAST things you need.
So keep focusing on those car shows... and your son... and start working on making BETTER memories to fill your thoughts with so you can look at the past as a closed chapter of a book - it stays with you, shapes you if you allow it, but doesn't control you.
{{HUGS}}
we are very much up and down , me more so than my son. we went to dinner and I saw what looked like my wife at the bar, my heart sank..,. I had to get my glasses from the car as I was a nervious reck. when I put them on , it was not her but the hair color and size, dress laugh was all her. I am reminded of her everywhere, and its just brutal. Its brutal to come to this point that SHE IS GONE. Gone like the wind, and yet so much has happened that it seems crazy, just crazy to hang on to what I had with her. I truly loved this woman, I never cheated, she was always in my heart and I always provided and made my family feel that they were the most important, and they are,were. I tried to put up several of my favorite photos, but I cant. Its just too painfull. With the time away I do somewhat feel clear er sometimes of what is happening, and the pieces of the 20 year old puzzle are starting to fit, the clues , the termoil, what I did what I could have done differently. But I do know, I did not do the attempt and I did not do this to my son, she did.
She took away so much from my son and myself, the most of the time famillar and safe place we called home. The home cooked meals made with care and love that we all enjoyed. The smell of her perfume on the sheets and pillows. Her tooth brush next to mine. I miss those days, I miss them badly
1/2 custody all holidays are hers, except the odd years I get my son ( the day she attempted suicide, thanks giving)
I get honnica, I am not jewish.
she wants me to pay 4800 a month for alimony,
listed all the items
get this, 50.00 for cigs but 30 for the sons clothes, really!!!
she wants me to pay child support, all the bills (40,000)
pet bills (I have the pet)
health ins ( she is on state ins)
wants 15,000 up front
I need to make up the back mortage payments for HER house.
My son does and wants nothing to do with her! he is 16 years old
when asked about DUI 's or any major stuff in the last 12 months she put nothing.
I was expecting maybe that I should pay for a trip to Hawaii as well ...LOL
This is insane!
I hope , just hope the judge will see through this, or I will get screwed.
4 years ago I made great money and worked my ass off to do it, the last 3 years have been all down hill, there is no way I can do this, I can barely keep going now, I feel that now work has started, and its improving, I cant focus, it on our life together and what with draw is happening. camping in a house, not real bacis and she wants all this!? this is crazy. I am pissed and sad at the same time.
But to answer it - try not to put too much into what she's asking for or what she's doing. Remember -she's not in a sober mindframe - she's an addict and addicts thinking are all over the board. Just stay strong and talk to your lawyer. You'll get through this and be stronger for it.