Sounds sort of familiar, my ex was dry for thirty
Years yet he still Had an addictive personality
That he kept under tight wraps for years then it
Started growing again and with that his ego and
arrogance Grew. He never attended AA until 2011
then things Got even worse.

We are now divorced even with us both in recovery
Which was far too late in the game and he was not
willing to Work on the marriage. He started chasing
needy Women.

We each need to decide for ourselves where our
Bottom is. Whats the best course of action for you?

We still had an Alcoholic Marriage even though he
was dry. I should have started alanon 30 years ago.
I really do kick myself now, we did well for so long
Until all the cracks started showing.

((((( barnmaid)))

I hear you. I've been to Al-Anon and he goes to AA but but it seems it's more of a social thing because he made friends there. you are right he still is a dry alcoholic with the same addictive personality the same self-serving attitude. it's like I only have any Worth to him if I'm feeding him physically or emotionally. he never even asked me how my day was or cares anything about who I am only what I can do for him. Ive grown tired of this and sort of created my own little world after 20 years of being ignored and devalued this makes him very mad because of course a good alcoholic wants the world to revolve around them.

Personally i would keep up with your alanon
And any other support groups to get thru this.
We were highly affected too and become sick
Living with them.

I will never graduate from alanon, I come from
alcoholism and married into it so i had a lifetime
To recover from. I also have a great Drug and
alcohol therapist whom is good for a lot of issues

Take care of you

((((( barmaid)))))

Welcome. Sorry you have to be here, but glad you are.

Wow, your story sounds so very familiar. My wasband's porn addiction progressed to losing jobs just about 21 years into our marriage. I had no idea before that he was addicted to it, kept everything hidden very carefully and maintained his image of a good man, father and husband flawlessly, until he lost 3 jobs in so many years.

He got into 12 step groups, into recovery..... except he wasn't really. Again, I didn't know until he lost yet another job. At this point in time I had to chose whether to stay or not. My head said run, but our son was still at home, in school, and after learning about addictions, I realized it is a disease. I decided, if he worked on getting healthy, I would stay and work on us with him. Although our physical intimacy was set aside (I made his addiction worse, according to him!), we put together a plan to save ourselves and our marriage.

We attended marriage counseling and Recovering Couple Anonymous. I found it helpful and thought we were growing closer. I attended Codependents Anonymous, developing health, strength and self awareness I could never have imagined.... that one probably saved my life during the death of our marriage! He attended Sex Addicts Anonymous, and developed a huge network of friendships, fellowships, and personal support. After a few years, he shared that he was also an alcoholic, starting to attend AA meetings on the evenings he wasn't at SAA.... or so he said. We had incidences of his falling off one wagon or another, then getting back on....but it turns out he was off more than on.

One day he called to say he couldn't find his keys, had to take the spares to get to work, and could I look for them? I didn't find the keys, but I found condoms in his jacket pocket. I knew they were not for me.

So.... How do you know when an addict is lying? Answer: Their lips are moving!

By now, I was far enough in my Coda recovery to realize that I was the only one working on us, that I couldn't make him better (or worse for that matter!), that his disease had progressed even further than I thought, and that I was at another crossroad. He found his keys, under the floor mat of his car and I said nothing about what I had found, deciding to discern for a few days on what I needed to do.

As it turned out, our son, in college by now, came home for the weekend. My husband waited until we were both in the room to announce that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. Did you know addicts are cowards too? I asked about what I'd found in his jacket, he admitted to buying prostitutes in the last year, and that sealed the deal. Under the circumstances, I felt I had no choice but to agree. Our divorce was final the month after our 29th anniversary.

I'm sorry for the long story, and I didn't tell it so you would run away from your marriage right now. I shared it so you can choose if you want to put in an enormous amount of work to try to save your marriage, determine if he's going to do it with you, or if what I went through rings true for what you face. One person cannot make a marriage viable, both have to want it, work on it, live for it.

I don't regret the 8 long years, working on us, working on me, and the year and a half it took to put our divorce together ourselves so we didn't end up losing what little we had to lawyers. It was hard, but I know I did everything I could. At then end of my life, I will know I didn't leave anything undone. That's a precious feeling, no guilt or remorse.

Praying you are given insight to choose what's best for you, comfort in difficult days, and serenity. Peace to you.

You know the know. And since you don't want the marriage to end , get into therapy that specializes in its methods for the goal of FIXING your mess of a marriage / partner. Then put a helmet on your head as you proceed for your protection. PS: make sure he and you get tested for PSD's....know your status! Good luck to you!

Do whats best for you, coda or alanon really do help
No matter where or how you end up in your marriage.
Its a long bumpy journey to emotional and spiritual
Wellbeing and healthyness. I have been at it for awhile
And very thankful.

(((((( barmaid)))))

People who are addicted are left with an empty hole that the addiction filled. They need to fill that hole with something. Most of the time they fill it with another addiction. They also blame the empty hole on other people. That's what he is doing to you. He feels he is missing something and you can't help him fill the hole. He has to. What he needs to do is get out and find something healthy to fill that hole with. A craft he likes, going back to school, doing volunteer work helping people, exercising, getting healthy, cooking (guys do it too), taking up tennis.....something.
If he can just fill that empty hole with something good and healthy, instead of taking it out on you, your marriage will work out.
Good luck.

Hi - I guess you are new to our group, so welcome!

Your marriage sounds very dysfunctional. Neither of you seem happy, individually or together. If I can ask, why exactly is it that you don't want your marriage to end? You sound like you dislike him to me, nor did I read anything about love.

Commitment be damned, are you wanting to stay because you haven't yet 'saved' him? Your work in progress is not done? I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but from this one very brief post, it seems to me that you have martyred yourself for him and he is....ungrateful?! Telling you that it's not enough?

What will be enough? When you're lying on the floor so emotionally and physically exhausted that you can't even function? It seems crazy to me. I hope you have the strength to leave him or make him leave.

I wish you all the best. It seems like you're in a really horrid place. But decisions must be made. Hard decisions. Don't be afraid. You are strong - look what you've put up with already!

Good luck

I agree with iammine. He is finished with the marriage. Don't waste any more time. It will not turn out alright. A marriage should not be full of so much strife and issues. You said you'd been doing this for such a long time so what makes you think it will get better now? I lived for 33 years with my ex who was emotionally unavailable and I thought it would get better. I was not in reality and I just didn't want to end such a long marriage and finally he did. It has been awful because he is all I have ever known since I was 19 but it's better than being with someone who does not love me and wants to be with me. Good luck to you. You are worth more than what he is saying to you.
Hugs,
Donna

I know you are right it just hurts and I don't want to have to go through it. Leaving him is the only way I'll find peace though. I have begun selling the farm animals today. My heart is in pieces. He is being mean to the point of abuse today which should make it easier but its not.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I totally understand the inner conflict. Letting go of the familiar in itself is very scary.

As nice as it would be, we can't just say: "Well, he was rotten to me & I'm better off without him." & then be done with it. It doesn't work that way. There is all the unraveling & sorting to do, both physical & emotional.

Take care of yourself as best you can as you go through this, lean on your supports.Don't give up on yourself.

If you can afford it i would have a good lawyer.
Mine was my mouth piece and thought for me,
I was in no condition to think clearly. My ex wanted
Us to do it ourselves and save money. Forget it,
He had a gf in the wings waiting and did not want
To be fair, it was a battle. We are still not done yet.

My heart understands your hurt and pain, keep
Reaching out to loving caring people only and join
Support groups. www.divorcecare.org is great.
Churches are great at this time too and any 12
step Group.

My ex started treating me awful after he had the
Gf. I did not even like to think my ex was even
Capable. My imagined real husband is dead, this
guy is Not anyone i know or like. He literally hates my
Guts. I am the guilty party in his and his mothers
Mind. It is truly a family disease in the end. I thought
We had his disease beat, he just was not honest
when things Started to grow again and he knew
Who to go to, his enabling Codependent mother
who was at the core root of his problems not me.

There is help and healing ahead, let yourself grieve
Your losses of your dreams and what you thought
You had in your marriage. I did everything possible
To make mine work. It takes two healthy willing People
not one. My Ex was a checked out spouse in Every
Possible way.


((((( barmaid ))))

As Mirandak said, it takes 2 healthy willing people, not 1. You can't make it work if he is not fully participating He is not. It doesn't sound like he is even trying.
You don't deserve the way he is treating you. You are better then that. It's hard but you will feel so much better when the extra weight you are carrying is finally gone.

PS. Just because he stopped the drugs/drinking/porn etc, he is still an addict emotionally. He has to work on that himself

I am so very sorry that he is being awful to you but yes, it will make it easier later on. I try to focus on the negatives when I am feeling sad because thinking about the happy times makes me feel worse. Thinking about why this divorce is better for me because of the emotional and physical rejection I had been experiencing while married makes me feel like divorce was for the best. But the painful ending of him being nasty and blindsighting me will never leave me completely. So I understand how you feel but you will feel better eventually and move on with your life. It will take some time (I hated people telling me that because I wanted to heal right away) but it is true and it does get better. I try to think about what I have and the people who do love me so I don't dwell on the what ifs and what should have been. It's a struggle (I won't lie) but we have to go through the process in order to heal. I hope you find some peace and just remember that your suffering will decrease. So many people have gone through this hell and lived to tell about it :) It just takes time and a lot of work on your part. Start reading some books. A really good one is "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot. Look it up and order it. It helped me a lot. Try to find a support group or Divorce Care - that was truly a lifesaver because you will be with people who are going through the same thing. You are going to have to make the effort even though you may not feel like it. I wish you the best.
Hugs,
Donna