Duci, my situation is slightly different in that I was the one who decided to go. I had known I was the only one in the marriage for years, but kept on hoping against hope that he would start being more like the man I had married. He promised me so many times that things would change, and the most it would be better would be for two to three weeks.

My ah-ha moment was the day our son moved overseas. My ex went to a car show and left me by myself almost the entire day. We drove the 3hr trip home separately because I drove my son's car back and he drove ours. When he didn't arrive home by tea-time, I realised that I may as well live alone as live with a man who treated me like I didn't matter. On the saddest day of my life, he was off playing with cars and other blokes.

It may sound as though I was being very selfish but you need to understand that the same thing had happened to me for years and years one way or another. I realised that I could no longer do the waiting, washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping and nurturing for a man who gave me little in return except criticism, more ignoring, and money.

love and hugs
kamary

Yes I recall a moment like that. Actually, more than one, because,unfortunately, what seemed so clear in that moment got blurry again a few days later. Stick with this thought and remind yourself of it when you feel yourself feeling nostalgia again for her love. Sorry:(
Hugs

I agree cmonge....I've had LOTS of ah-ha moments. I just don't listen to myself. I think so many of us struggle with that because we are forgiving people. I think it points to our character that we always want to think the best and find the good in people. That isn't a bad thing. It's actually a great quality to have. But in divorce, we have to go against our nature and learn to focus on the negative.

Yes. My Ah-Ha moment came very recently. I am not long into this process either. As I have said in other posts, my husband told me he loved me every day right up until he walked out because he had been cheating on with me with a co-worker and they are riding off into the sunset together.

Now your Ah-Ha moment didn't say you were entirely over her. It was just the moment you realized that you had to move forward because she isn't coming back and you don't want her back.

So my Ah-Ha moment (make mine sound sad and not happy) was when I was sitting in a lawyer's office for a second opinion consultation. We had discussed what had happened, what I could expect, cost, just all the usual stuff. And I can't remember what I said, I think it was something like I was still feeling stunned that he didn't love me anymore.

And she looked at me, and I can't explain the look in her eye when she said, "Well, you wouldn't want him back now after he's hurt you all this much, would you? He had no regard for you, your children, or respect for the 25 years you shared."

And that was my AH-Ha moment. I had desperately wanted to reassemble my life into something resembling its previous order, and I think more for the kids than for me. And at that moment, I realized he had hurt us all too much, but instead of thinking about the kids, I realized he had hurt me too much. I was his wife. He had made vows to me. I kept my vows for better or worse, and he had flung them away like dog doo. I realized in that moment that I did not want to take back this person. That I could no longer lie to myself and say he was a good person who made a bad mistake. I suddenly understood all the articles that I had read about infidelity and how it is both a BRUTAL and COWARDLY act. And I realized that if that were the man who had asked me to marry him, then the answer was "No".

I still feel bad for what my kids lost because they have to learn to love this dad, this new version of their dad, a person who is not the person they thought they had or wanted to have. Anyone here who says kids are resilient, and that they'll get over it. I hate to tell you. But that's crap. They're scarred for life. When I confided in a friend what was going on, she immediately began to cry, because this is what happened with her parents, and she still aches over what was. She wasn't nearly as sad for me, because she identified with my teenage kids and what they're going through.

However, I digress, I'm not through grieving. I am still all over the place with my emotions. But my mom keeps asking me if I'd take him back if he came home (she is completely against it. She now thinks he is lower than scum). And I'd hesitate before I'd say "No". Because truthfully,the answer was yes.

At any point up until that moment in the lawyer's office, if my STBX had caught me before I walked through the office doors, I would have taken him back in a heartbeat.

But not now. I had the Ah-Ha moment. The terrible, brutal and cowardly thing he had done irrevocably changed me. It is a profound change, and at the moment probably not a positive one.

But to answer your question of did I have an Ah-Ha moment? Yes, I did. And it was just this past Wednesday.

Amen. Broken-hearted. I could have written your post. We share so many similar emotions. :(

Very well said Broken! I too have had my fair share of Ah-Ha moments. They all were profound in that moment...they matched my new layer of the onion. I think each one was extremely important to help me move on to the next phase of grieving and healing.

I'm one of the few who took my ex back only to divorce again 3 years later. I am a very forgiving person and believed strongly that true love never dies...I think it can become lost or misplaced...but never die...that's why I tried again. That is something I would not want to change about me...however....I have noticed that my level of trust is tainted and I'm not sure I can be as forgiving as I once was.

I also agree with Broken about the kids...we think they are resilient...many articles are written saying they are...I call bull shit! I've seen in in my own kids...my divorced friends kids and I see it in myself...a child of divorced parents. My son said it very well..( the rug was pulled out from underneath me...nothing that I thought was true..is! My life was a lie! What's real and what isn't?) He has paid an emotional price throughout this whole ordeal. To this day my kids still hope we will get back together again...something I felt about my parents right up until my dad died...go figure! So..people who think the kids will adapt and this event will just be a part of their life experience say this to justify their own desires and actions!

My ex is back in my life as a friend...he spent Christmas with us...the kids are thrilled...they say its much easier for them. For us...we think its better for the kids to see us united on a different front..however...we are so tied to the kids and our past its really hard not to become emotional...after all...we know each other so well and we have keep ourselves in check and not fall into that very comfortable place. In all honesty...if he were to ask me if I wanted to try again...I'm not sure what I would say...I dont think anyone of us is really sure until we are faced with that possibility...Big Hugs...Kathy

You and I were in the exact same situation. I thought I was the only one but your soon to be ex wife to and my ex wife treated you and I the same. What's funny with mine is that she didn't think I would date other women, she thought I would be devastated. Boy was she wrong and it kills her even more to know who I am dating.

There have been several aha s,
All similar to yours in that I realize how little regard ms spider has for me as a person, and worse I see aspects of her spiderness that I overlooked before,
It is the very sad realization that " how could she do this to me, to our family, to get kids? "
Is a dumb question, she has been doing that her whole life, she just decided not to fool me anymore,
Now that she is no longer "in character" with me ...yuk , my stbx is a soulless creature

Did I get fooled or fool myself?

I'm not sure I've actually had an Ah Ha moment in regard to my ex, or if I did it was short-lived and didn't change my feelings toward him or wanting to reconcile our marriage. I wish I could have had such a moment when I knew that I absolutely didn't want him back. Maybe that would've made it easier for me to accept the divorce and move forward. I agree with what several have already said about the kids...it affects them no matter what their age. Our daughter was 24 and our son was 21 when their father left. Neither was still living at home at the time, but they both took it very very hard. They were estranged from their dad for several years. Although they have each reconciled with him now, they still have ambivalent feelings toward him. My son, especially, has struggled emotionally these past 5 years, in great part, due to the divorce. Kathy, I loved your post. I have a lot of respect for you that you are able to maintain a relationship with your ex, especially given the history, for the sake of the kids. I think that's very important.

My aha moment happened in London. We were walking down a crowded street when the ex accidently stepped in front of this lady and she fell hard to the pavement. She was helped to her feet and limped along while we went in another direction. We stopped for lunch and the ex was being his usual glum self.

When we finished eating and left the pub the ex stepped off a curb and suddenly stopped in front of me. I teetered and tottered trying not to fall. The ex never looked in my direction until a woman rushed over to help. Then he was all concerned and helpful. My ex did things on the spur of the moment. He had accidently tripped the well dressed woman on the street and immediately tried that on me.

I could tell by his actions that he had deliberately tried to trip me. He also didn't talk to me the entire flight home. Tried to lose me in Atlanta. He was in his own little world. He left a laptop with me that belonged to his ow. There was the whole story laid out for me to see. I ran to an attys office and tried to never look back.

Our daughter is terribly hurt. She finally told me her dad had rejected some photos she sent of the babies. I had hoped this wouldn't happen but it did. I couldn't ask a lot of questions but I'm betting he did that because of the last contempt hearing and he is lashing out.

Brokenheart you've said it so eloquently!
I've been divorced 7 years...and sometimes I still have to remind myself. When you've deeply loved someone and built a family it is so easy to keep the rose colored glasses on. An AHA moment is a gift, hang on to the clarity of it so that you can remind yourself...

My Ah-Ha is linked to my son. When I told him I was leaving his father, his response was "it's about time..I'm going with you"…

Sigh...

I suppose my "a ha!" moment came about 9 months after I put him out. It was in session with my therapist; she began to repeat all the things I had told her over the previous 9 months -- things the now-X had done or said to undermine or annoy me. All the things he had done to take all the joy out of anything in my life. That's when, through some tears, I told her, "You are right! He isn't a good man and I would be CRAZY to want him back." I left her office and on the drive home, I phoned my attorney and said, "I'm DONE. Let's file for divorce today and see if you can have him served on April 30th, please." That would have been our 24th wedding anniversary and I wanted to make a statement!

My 'ah ha' moment was about 3 years post divorce. I had begun dating a man very seriously, and was thinking of introducing him to my kids.

I did so, at a dinner out. After the dinner, I was talking with my youngest daughter about her feelings. She was about 8 or so at the time. She said, "I like him. And, I am just happy that YOU are happy again".

I had NO idea that *I* had seemed unhappy around my kids.

Out of the mouths of babes...

I've had plenty of aha moments. I still have them.

I wish I could go back and unring the bell, but I can't.

I ended the marriage for the most part.

Divorce sucks.