Thanks Lori.

No contact is what helped me the most. I know during the divorce there must be some contact but if you can keep it strictly business with the divorce and regards to the children...that will go a long way for your healing. Once the divorce is final...I know thats down the road a ways for you...absolutely no contact if your children are older. She can contact them directly. I went 1 1/2 years with no contact what so ever with my ex...since my son moved in with me to go to school that has changed. Even then it brought up issues for me to work on. Its really hard but you can do it....Big Hugs...Kathy

Sorry you're here with us, but I agree with all the others who say it does get easier. I'm still hurting a lot 7 months after my husband walked out without any warning, but I'm not hurting like I was at the beginning. If you have a couple of good friends that you can reach out to, it will help enormously at the outset , especially if you can be very direct about your need for support. Many of us don't like to ask for help - me included - but the thing I've heard over and over from my friends is "why didn't you ask me to help?". Over the past few months, I've gotten much better at asking for help when I need it, and when you're feeling unloved because your spouse left, it's really heartwarming to feel the love of your friends.
Hugs and blessings.

Thanks to all of you. Hugs to everyone.

Hugs to you Gocubbies. Everyone is right on target! Please go to a doctor and think about meds or you will get sick. It is one of the biproducts of divorce. I would also agree with NC (no contact). It is easier to heal that way. Praying for you!
Diane

I am with you. My stbx and I were married for almost 20 years. We're in the middle of the divorce. She gave me the "I love you, but I am not in love with you.." speech. That was 4 months ago. She moved out today and into her parents place.

I still can't believe that this person that I shared 20 years with could just decide that she didn't want to be with me anymore. Serious blow to the self-esteem.

But you know what.. I am started to see that this could be the best thing that ever happened to me. I was too loyal, I would have never left. Now I have a chance to live a much more enriching life on my own terms for the second half of my life. I can stop dedicating my life to someone who doesn't appreciate me. I can go find someone who will really love me for me.

I know its tough.. but I think it gets better. At least that is what everyone on here keeps telling me :)

I have a question for everyone. Can I use her phone conversations to her new love against her in court? Please help me on this one.

Gocubbies:
You live in a no-fault divorce state, so there is no need or use for those clandestine phone conversations since you can't file with grounds (adultery). NOT that proving adultery gets you anything more in a financial settlement -- but it's best for you just to leave it alone and try to move beyond it.

Ptownjohn is going through the same thing you are and he is "getting there" in fairly record time. If you two aren't already "friends" here, you should be. John has been doing his homework and I'm very proud of him!

Talk to your lawyer.. no fault has nothing to do with marital misconduct. Marital misconduct which it is often called when someone in a divorce is using marital funds, cheating, emotional and physical abuse, or a number of of other behaviors that can be used by your attorney in your side. Proving infidelity, can be something that could be in your favor. BUT be careful, in most states recording phone calls is not legal without the parities knowledge. Talk to your lawyer. I do not know if you are IL as there are Cubs fans all over the country, but you have some different divorce law in IL..!! I also see part of what could be a Milwaukee sign.. if you are in WI as I am, it is illegal to record phone conversations unless you have a court order.

I live in a no fault and community property state. I did not tell my lawyer something related to abuse by my ex early on. When I told him, he said I am going to explain no fault this way. IF you or your husband wake up one morning over breakfast and you do not like the tie he is wearing, and decide that is the reason you want a divorce, that it enough ground in no fault state. That does not mean there are not other reasons, abuse, infidelity, misuse of assets, and those are marital misconduct, and I will use them if needed. .No fault is misunderstood by many people. Talk to your lawyer.. and the best to you!

There is no easy way through this difficult time....feel the crappy feelings and know that while it won't last forever, there are many challenging days ahead. I'm nearly 2 1/2 years out from your place and still struggle, though can say, in the midst of my struggles, my life is good. God is good. I know that someday I will understand my journey (check out Amy Grant's song "Somewhere Down the Road"). For now, I need to feel the feelings, do the work (therapists...EMDR/SE) and stay upright. Gathering community (I have a TEAM Jodi that meets often) is critical. Peace and hope to you as you begin this journey.

yes it does suck. You will have your good days and you will have your bad days. it is all a process. For some it takes longer than others but be strong and know that there is hope. It is horrible to end a marriage after so many years. Amazing how they can just get up and move on like nothing ever meant anything to them but there are selfish people. Karma is real and when it comes back to hit you it comes back really bad. Wait and see.

Sorry for ur pain...it is VERY hard to get over. I am only 5 months into my separation after 21 yrs. U go thru ups & downs, back & forth. But all u can do is take one day at a time. Every day wake up and look at urself and say today will be a good day. That u do deserve happiness again. It will take time unfortunately it doesn't happen over night we only wish it were that easy. But lean on ur friends and family for support. Keep urself busy so that your mind does not wonder, that is what has worked best for me. Stay strong and better days are ahead for u!

Carrie said it well. I am coming up to 4 years alone. I've never been busier and am enjoying my new career. It's amazing that there are billions of people on this earth - you fall in love with one of those billions and you and your life gets screwed. One lousy, disgusting person can do that to you. Life's funny eh?

The odds are.......that there's many more billion s of people to make a life with. I have decided for the minute/lifetime that I'm not going back/forward as far as relationships go. But then again, the stats tell me that it will most likely happen anyhow.

Don't let one of those billions of people get you down. It's their problem, not ours. Hugs.

For me, the key to recovery was realizing one very important thing: Just because this ONE PERSON decided that you were "disposable" doesn't lower your value to anyone else! It takes a bit of work, but a positive attitude will get you through this and launch you into a brighter New Life after divorce.

The ups and downs in the process are inevitable -- you just have to learn to roll with the punches. You are doing really well, my friend. Keep up the hard work! xoxox

Kathi.. I think that insight is so important: Just because this ONE PERSON decided you were "disposable" doesn't lower your value to anyone else!

Trying to keep that in mind every day.