Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
As I read many of the posts here, what I hope and pray for all of you is passage of time because it is only that that will truly free you from the pain of divorce. I am now 8 years post divorce and, with each year, the memories of that horrible time have faded and are now just a closed chapter of my life.
I thought of this as on Sunday, I was visiting with my XMIL. She brought up the first time her son introduced me to her and her dh (now passed). I remembered that day as well. It saddened me when I thought of those 2 young people...so much in love. I could tell it made her sad as well. She knows I never stopped loving her son, but that it was HE who changed from being that person I fell in love with. I never did. My love never waivered and I told her I did everything in my power to keep our marriage going. Through her tears, she said she knows. But, what I realized during our visit that, we even laughed a little bit at those young people who couldn't keep their hands off each other, it was no longer painful. Sad...yes. Painful, no. I told her now that it is my daughters I feel badly for...being part of a broken family. She agreed.
Sorry for rambling. I just want to hug each and every one of you and bring you some reassurance that there WILL come a day that the pain will ease. I told my XMIL that I will always mourn the family that WAS and that I never wanted our family to be broken and she understood and agreed. I was her daughter for so long. The divorce hurt her as well. But, I can sit here now and remember those young people without feeling pain....just a tinge of sadness.
My heart goes out to all here who are in the initial stages of this life-changing journey, but, like me...I have no doubt you will make it out the other side stronger than ever before.
HUGSSS and much love to you all,
MJ
I thought of this as on Sunday, I was visiting with my XMIL. She brought up the first time her son introduced me to her and her dh (now passed). I remembered that day as well. It saddened me when I thought of those 2 young people...so much in love. I could tell it made her sad as well. She knows I never stopped loving her son, but that it was HE who changed from being that person I fell in love with. I never did. My love never waivered and I told her I did everything in my power to keep our marriage going. Through her tears, she said she knows. But, what I realized during our visit that, we even laughed a little bit at those young people who couldn't keep their hands off each other, it was no longer painful. Sad...yes. Painful, no. I told her now that it is my daughters I feel badly for...being part of a broken family. She agreed.
Sorry for rambling. I just want to hug each and every one of you and bring you some reassurance that there WILL come a day that the pain will ease. I told my XMIL that I will always mourn the family that WAS and that I never wanted our family to be broken and she understood and agreed. I was her daughter for so long. The divorce hurt her as well. But, I can sit here now and remember those young people without feeling pain....just a tinge of sadness.
My heart goes out to all here who are in the initial stages of this life-changing journey, but, like me...I have no doubt you will make it out the other side stronger than ever before.
HUGSSS and much love to you all,
MJ
My x MIL were very close also for 38
years. She knew ( she passed away two years ago)
.....she knew that I did all that I could to save the marriage. My x once told me ( After the divorce) that her mother said: Bob was always nice.
Ya, that's true. She had to go on her daughters side....that's her daughter., but I knew she wasn't happy nor her a father. Ye, new people here the day will come.......when you will feel better.
Timeman
You are so right, time really does set us free.
I am four years out and now it seems like someone else life, I can barely remember my children's father being in our home.
Hugs to everyone,
Donna
I'm seven years out. When I went looking for photos of my exMIL for her funeral recently, I realised I was looking at photos of us from 1969 and not shedding a tear. It is sad that we aren't together any more when we had been so much in love. I also feel sad for my kids that they no longer have the family we were, that they have to accept new partners and having to have 2 or more Christmas gatherings etc etc. Most of all, I worry that they didn't get a good example of how to make a marriage work for themselves.
The pain does eventually heal, and as Sciteacher said, acceptance of the present reality plays a big part in healing.
love and hugs to you and everyone in the middle of the nasty stuff
kamary
And that feeling of things not being "right", I have that feeling as well and probably always will. Every holiday especially is like a big slap in my face that things aren't "right". The "Smith" family is still over there enjoying Christmas dinner and there's someone else in my place.
Kamary is exactly right...acceptance is a big part of healing. Who knows...maybe it takes as many years of new memories to overshadow the old ones.
I think it's lovely your exMIL is still willing to meet for coffee and can talk about what happened. Yes, some of the rest of the family will distance, and it does feel awful when they get together. I find it helps to think what it would be like if I were invited along to gatherings now, and that would be absolutely awful! Eee! I handled the funeral but I really do not want to handle Christmas with them!
Make your own plans and start making new memories today.
love and hugs
kamary
As for making my own holiday plans...I wish! Unfortunately, until dh gets over his "feelings of obligation" to his sons to always be home on Christmas Day since they have "nowhere else to go", my dream of vacationing over Christmas will never happen...although, I told dh once that if any of my daughters invited me to spend Christmas with THEM, I'd be on the next plane. I do not have that same sense of obligation to his sons that he does.
My ex couldn't be happier. He married a woman who makes money, so he lives in a new house, hasn't worked in 8 years, travels and does the things he loves most - gardening and cooking. (And this was a man who thrived on work when WE were married.) Very strange, but from what I've heard, is very happy. He got everything he wanted...including "full custody" of our girls because HE still has the "family".
I beg to differ with that statement, based on my own observations and a lot of the reference books I have in my collection. The person who leaves is chasing rainbows -- they left because they THOUGHT the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. Then, they get out there and realize it really isn't always so. Their "happiness" is an illusion and although they won't admit it, years down the road they realize the gravity of their error and often suffer long-lasting depression as a result.
No one can convince me that the now-X is happy. A picture is worth 1,000 words -- and he LOOKS miserable in all the photos of him and his new wife (NOT the woman he left me for). So many of the folks who were long-time friends of ours cut off contact with him in the few years post-divorce because they wee finally able to see WHO HE REALLY WAS. And I think he KNOWS he's a major f**k-up, but I doubt he will EVER fully own what he did to me and our marriage.
As for me, I have had tremendous personal and spiritual growth in the 10 years since he ran out on us. And I DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH ANY GUILT. Guilt will eat you from the inside out like a cancer. Just remember that things aren't always as they appear.