Bear with me, long-timers on this board....you already know this story...

Back in 2007 after the Divorce from Hell was final, a friend gave me a 3-month subscription to eHarmony.com. After mulling it over for awhile, I decided to give it a try. I didn't put any geographical preference because I figured if I connected with someone well enough in writing and by (eventually) phone, both of us would be willing to travel to meet in person. I got over 200 potential matches over the next 2-1/2 months! Most of them I immediately deleted if they played a lot of golf or all they talked about was riding their motorcycles. I had three gentlemen with whom I eventually spoke with on the phone, but I never felt motivated enough to meet ANY OF THEM in person and two of them were within a 2 or 3 hour drive.

Just when I was losing interest, a match came up from someone in Keedysville, MD -- just 40 miles from my home. After 6 weeks of communicating, we finally arranged to meet and the rest was history. Our relationship lasted 5-1/2 years and included a big, honkin' diamond ring and a tentative date to marry of March 2013. I broke the engagement in January 2013, sold my Maryland farm and relocated 1,100 miles away. He and I are no longer friends, despite his insistence that he wanted to remain so.

GOLDENGIRL here's the LESSON:
I DO NOT recommend even "dating" until you have been final divorced for awhile -- I would say 6 months MINIMUM. You aren't healed yet. You need time to get to know YOU as a single person a whole lot better and you DON'T want to drag your leftover "unfinished emotional business" into a new relationship. It's not fair to YOU and it's certainly not fair to the other person.

Further, don't jump back into another relationship until you have been final divorced for AT LEAST ONE YEAR. And if/when you DO meet someone who looks perfect, TAKE ANOTHER YEAR to REALLY GET TO KNOW THEM! I learned the hard way, I guess. Mr. Right was really good at keeping up appearances for the "honeymoon period" which can last 18 months to 3 years according to my therapist. I was lucky in that things were really REALLY good until real life set in at the 3 year mark. I have no regrets, but I sure learned a lot about myself and relationships in those 5-1/2 years with that man.

Since moving down here to sunny Naples, I have tried OurTime.com and eHarmony.com again. I used to only recommend eHarmony to people, but since they started having "free weekends" the whole site has been cheapened. There are also a whole lot more scammers out there who are evidently willing to pay the price for the chance to take advantage of divorced women financially. I know a couple of single gals my age down here who said that ALL THE SAME GUYS on OurTime were also on Match.com and I have no interest in Match. Never have.

As the others have warned, if you do get on any of those sites, be very VERY careful about what personal information you divulge. There are absolutely no protections of privacy on OurTime or Match. If you divulge your personal email address, your computer can be Pfished and that can cause huge, expensive hassles. If you connect with someone local, use your common sense and meet in a PUBLIC PLACE during the DAYTIME and make sure someone knows where you are going and what time you will be back. I know a lot of this is common sense, but I've seen otherwise intelligent people ignore the basic safety rules.

I think the best thing for you at this point in time would be to go to Meetups.com and find some groups that share an interest with you....hobbies, exercise, book reviews, movies, dining out -- whatever. It's a great way to get out and socialize with none of the pressure of "dating."

I have been on many of the dating sites--Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, Christian Mingle, Our Time, etc.
I have met some nice guys, some duds, some who just want sex, etc. It's no different then meeting anyone through normal channels--you can get scammed just as easily by someone you meet in a grocery store or bar as you can online. The key to success is do your prep work.

First, read a few articles about online dating before you start. This was helpful for me and I learned things I never would have considered had I not done this.

Second, read "Date or Soul Mate.". This book should be required reading for ANYONE venturing out in the dating world after divorce. After encountering two duds right off the bat (one met through friends, the other online), I took a two year dating break and with CGKs urging, read his wonderful book. I really learned about myself, learned what were my motivators for looking for love, and learned what I will tolerate and what I won't. Since reading this book, I have dumped a few guys who just didn't fit the bill and realized how much the book helped me make those decisions.

Finally, do take time to heal before you date. I thought having a signed divorce decree meant I was ready and was I wrong!!! I made a lot of mistakes by not waiting. You must be sufficiently healed and learn to know yourself before you can move on with someone else.

As many on here know, my journey in The Land of Men and Dating is well documented in my journals. Feel free to friend me and read those. Some are sad, some are funny, but all address the positives and negatives of dating post-divorce.

Good Luck!

Will do. Thanks for sharing your experience.

This thread was so interesting. Like Moscato, I feel I'm too much of a private person to try online dating, but if I ever change my mind, I've learned a lot! I live in a small town, can't imagine meeting anyone, so, oh well, just got another dog! Never lonely with two dogs and two cats, although I know I run the risk of turning into crazy animal lady!

I've had much the same experience as Hurtin. I can usually tell the weirdos from their emails, or profiles, but sometimes it takes a phone call to figure it out. I've never met a single person who scared me in person. Granted, I haven't found a "soul mate", but I have had some pleasant dates, including one man that I dated for 3.5 months. Almost all were from match.com. Correspond for quite awhile through the site, and only when you are comfortable give out a phone number or email. Get a last name - do some googling. Oftentimes, if you get their phone number you can plug it into the search field in Facebook and see if they have a profile you can see. (of course, if your phone number is tied to a Facebook account, they can do the same!)
Trust your instincts. If you look locally you often find that you know someone in common, and that can be reassuring - they are not a complete stranger at that point.

Here's something interesting that I found out. I had one of my paintings on my profile as a photo - to show one of my interests as an artist. A gentleman kindly pointed out to me that someone could just right click on that image and it took them to my artist website with all my personal contact information. I was so grateful to him, and immediately took down that image.

I tried Our Time. The site for over 50. I had tons of responses. I talked to a couple of men. I scared them away when I said I had 8 grand children. Also, my divorce isn't final. I decided to post pone it. I just wasn't ready and deleted my profile and quit the site.

I know this has been talked about before but the other night I decided to have a full blown love affair with myself. I know it sounds silly but I am kind of liking it. I have been dieting unsuccessfully because I cheat and last night I talked to myself. Now here it may be crazy but after I ate a cookie and felt bad, I stopped and said out loud "Kathy, you look great and I do not care if you ate that cookie. I love you the way you are. You'll do better when you are ready. " and then I hugged myself. ha ha ha As crazy as this sounds, it actually felt good. I also told myself that after the certain amount of time with just loving me, I am going to buy myself a ring, and make a commitment to love, honor and cherish myself.
I am still dating a man across the country but I am no longer feeling we have to either marry or break up. Seeing him every once in a while is perfect and if I do not feel like traveling to see him, I won't.

#22
A cookie! You had a cookie even though you not at the target weight!

Now that is appealing in a lady.
:-)

I love your attitude, Giselle! Loving yourself first is so important! Way to go!

That's great, Giselle. Most of us are so hard on ourselves. Your cookie story made me laugh, probably because I can so relate to that.

I just don`t get the fear factor for some folks re online dating. It`s really NO different then meeting someone new anywhere else in your life...at work, church, a social group, a friend`s neighbour etc etc.

Just because it`s online doesn`t need to make it scary! And what`s the worst that can happen - you don't like the person? SO WHAT? Isnt' love and/or connection worth a shot? An hour and a cup of coffee? As someone who has gone on a lot of business meetings with TOTAL STRANGERS how is it any different? It's just a cup of coffee in a public place!

I'm willing to bet that most of us, even the super private among us, learned to loosen up post-marriage and talk about ourselves and our feelings more than we ever imagined we would do! I know I did! It's almost a requirement to help us to heal, to talk about what happened to us, how our life has changed etc.

Well, when you meet someone new on a date, you just share a little about yourself. In a guarded way of course, do a little talking and a little listening and then you can call it a night(or day)! Ultimately, I think that those who are scared just aren't ready to date and haven't come to a place of personal strength where they trust their judgement again. Our self-esteem has usually taken a beating after our marriages end, and it takes some time and work to build ourselves up again. I was borderline there when I started dating!

If you want to meet someone, online is pretty much where it's at. Not the only place but.....we're all on this forum right? Connecting? That's the point!

I met a great guy online and am taking my time building what we have. It's been two years and I was a little green when we met, we've had our ups and downs. He'd been dating for seven years on and off! He went gaga over me, declared he loved me within a few months, then wanted me to move in, marry him....all within six months of our meeting! I kept my wits about me as I knew I needed time, and lots of it. Still do! And he know that he rushed me, that I wasn't in the same place he was.

So, was it "luck" that I met a nice guy online? I don't believe it. It was just good timing - for both of us!

Good luck (ha!) to anyone who's out there trying to make a love connection - as long as you have perspective and sound judgement, there is nothing to be afraid of, I truly believe this!

when I enter the jungle, looking to bungle, as jethro tull would say,
I,'m gonna use text below from Tommy Conwell and the Young Rumblers
because as I ain't nothing to hold on to


I'm not the one you're gonna take home to your daddy
I'm not the one to sit around with making plans (I'm not your man)
I'm not the one you're gonna settle down & marry, I'm not your man

I'm not your man, cause you're looking for a hero, baby it ain't me
I'm not your man, I'm not the one U wanna cry to, baby in your sleep
I'm not your man, cause you're looking for a hero
I'm not your man, I ain't nothing to hold on to...

Wow. And, refurb, what makes you think you're nothing to hold on to?

I'm not PC
I judge
I'm not gonna stay on the same friendship level with a friend that is cheating on their spouse
(Even before this shitstorm)
I'm gonna stay on the same friendship level even if the friend is not "in"
I'm not gonna follow fashion
I do follow the call

Through the shitstorm, I have learned that I ain't one to hold on to,
In the small town where I live, I'm persona non grata,
Three people/friends that I knew before maintained their friendship with me

This is a not a woe is me, it is the realization that most people would rather pretend that there is no elephant in the room rather than acknowledge it,
Me ... Well depend ending upon the elephant, I may pet it or so it the door,
But I'm so done with pretending

Pretending is what people want, in a topic that I posted "baggage.,"
If I were to date, I'd lay all of those thoughts of mine out early,
I'm willing to bet that some women would be turned off because they'd grasp the dynamics and they want more, if so, that is fair and I don't want easter someone time
Some would be turned off because they cannot see that my honesty is character
Some would be turned off because they want less, I'm not a FWB, I'd want exclusivity

So with my narrow and particular parameters, I don't fit
Not fitting makes me nothing to hold on to