I totally relate. I lost myself in my marriage as well...........

Met at 17 had my daughter at 19 she was handicapped there was no "ME" after that. I am totally lost trying to learn about who I am. So far I am eating things I like.......That's it. It's a slow go still haven't found hobbies.

I remember going on my first date and realized people were actually looking at ME not as a wife or mother it felt super weird to me. Try to not panic about it. It takes a while I don't feel as panicked about it anymore.

This is a strange process where like people say on here you have to be very kind to yourself and patient.

Listen to Jenny, lost. It really does take time and that amount of time is different for everyone. I was like you, too, but somehow never forgot who I was and where I came from. I had a wonderful counselor who got me through the tunnel. So, yes...be kind to yourself, remember who you were before you got married and you will find him again. It's a process, but you WILL get there.

I never forgot who I was or where I came from when I divorced. I had to remind myself each morning who I had been and what I could do.

I almost lost that 17 year old girl who helped her dad in his bar on weekends. I was good at what I did and I did my job well. I learned to push the fear away and break up those fights. When I met the ex that life was over for me.

I managed to find myself again. Not the Teenage me but bits of her mixed in with the me from my marriage. It took time for all those scattered memories to become who I am today. I'm strong again and I like who I am.

Lost you can find yourself again. You can find your lost self mixed in with the man you are now. You will be stronger, wiser and will like who you become. Just wait and it will happen. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Jenny, Lost, first you really need to step back and relax. I know it is easier said than done, but you have to start looking after yourself. Be gentle with yourself when you feel like you are against the wall. I know the feeling, just wandering around, thinking what the hell happened. You will find yourself again. It is only dormant like I was. It took me the better part of 5 years to really wake up and start really living again. It takes about 1 year for every 4 years of a relationship to move on. But everyone is different. Some take more time, some take less. I love being by myself now. You really need that "me" time to work on yourself. Their wants, needs or demands should not be a concern of yours anymore. And what they say about you is definitely none of your business. If I listened to what people said to me what my ex-said, I would be in a padded room. Please be gentle with yourself, you deserve it. Hugs.

I realized in the last few years of my marriage that I had left behind many aspects of me along the way trying to be what he wanted and needed.....I was no longer the spunky fearless gal I had once been. I think some of the final straws were when I found her again! Take your time and be gentle with yourself....don't rush anything!

I appreciate all the advice I know it will take time to find me again and I need to be patient,although patience isn't a strong point of mine. My fear is always being alone, I'm not exactly a social butterfly. once I get to know someone and feel confortable opening up to them I'm fine, But I'm not good at meeting new people. I fear ending up the lonely old man whose wife cheated on him and he died alone.

Lost, I know all about the FEAR and I've got a lot of years on you! Somehow, you have to choke back the fear (and the inevitable tears) and move forward...one step at a time (sometimes baby steps!) We have all had to do it and while it isn't a walk in the park, it CAN be done!

Trust me, I had to "reinvent" myself after my 5+ year post-divorce engagement went south. I sold my home in MD and moved 1,100 miles away to a place where I only knew ONE PERSON! Talk about getting out of my comfort zone -- my whole life and lifestyle had changed. But I did it.

If you go to church, reach out to your church family. A lot of congregations have gatherings and social things going on in addition to just Sunday services. If you find yourself with too much time on your hands, look for a volunteering opportunity in a field that is interesting to you (do you like animals? most places have animal rescue/adoption organizations that are always looking for help!

Look to your community college or any kind of continued learning programs that may be offered by your school systems. I have taken a number of non-credit courses over the years and really enjoyed them and it's also a way to meet people and get involved in something you are interested in.

At 45 you've got a whole lot of living yet to do! Please don't let the end of your marriage define who you are! I know how tough it is...the X left me for another woman almost 10 years ago but I was bound and determined NOT to let that stand between me and a healthy, fulfilling life! Sending you big hugs!

One of the blessings of "working on my marriage" for a decade with my addict wasband, was working on my own co-dependent self along the way.

Of course an alcoholic, porn addict's MO is to tell me I'm co-dependent and making our lives a living hell, and to go get help. Make sure the moat in my eye is pointed out so I don't see the plank in his!

Well, it was true in a way, being co-dependent was making MY life a living hell; trying to control a lying addict, trying to make everything perfect in our lives and marriage BY MYSELF, trying to find a way around the enormous, freaking elephant in every room of our house!!

The good news is, as I worked on becoming aware of my co-dependent behaviors, I learned to recognize and let go of what I had no control over, and to start to take charge of what I did, mainly, how I choose to react, respond, and deal with what I have no control over. That letting go saved my life and sanity.

I learned to focus my energies on what I could do, my self growth, my self care, my plans for the "what if's" and eventually, when it became clear that his addictions had progressed to infidelity with prostitutes, how to move through our divorce and move on with as much grace as possible, while doing what I could to support my son through it all.

I thought I had lost who I was too, but we're here, under all the stress, under the trauma, under the co-dependency, under the depression, the sadness, the grief..... It's like peeling away the layers until we can see ourselves again, as we are, with our greatness and wounds, our divine light, dark fears and secrets. It's all there, we just need to buckle down and do the work to get there..... Oh and time.... plenty of time.

Repeating the best: Be kind to yourself! You've been through a lot, have a lot of healing to do. Take care, get help if you can, keep in touch here, and BE KIND TO YOURSELF. You deserve it. Take care and gentle healing wishes on the way.....

I understand the feelings too . I have been married for 25 yrs and separated 4 of those . I can talk to almost anyone at times , but when it comes to a possible romantic interest , I bail . I kept my eyes literally on my spouse . So now , I'm like a fish out of water . Totally way too nervous . I always thought staring was rude , so imagine my surprise to find out that that's what people do to show interest ! Stare a darn hole through them !
Scares the heck out of me .That will tell you how young/ inexperienced in life that I was when I met my husband .So its like instinct to avert my eyes automatically and feel like running when I see a cute guy. But get me out there just taking care of business or just out in public and I don't have a problem casually talking to people for the most part . I feel like I'm some kind of sister to Julia Roberts in runaway bride !

You need to find a therapist to help you work through all of this. Most men don't believe in therapy and I've got to be honest, I didn't really either until the crap hit the fan. It's not a weakness to need some emotional help - it's a strength if anything to go search for it.

I'm in the same boat as you - but every day I'm learning a little bit differently and my way of thinking is changing. I practice gratitudes everyday. It helps and I'm trying new things. Just trying to figure out what I really want in the next chapter of life.

45 year old Grandpa? That's very young. Enjoy the baby :)

Regarding the Ex: You have precisely nailed the conflict we often have to resolve. The first order of business is to comply with thoughts of the ex being characterly flawed. Your statement " someone that never appreciated anything and seem to only find fault with everything" is the validation of your awareness.

You: Loving minds normally cannot fathom relinquishing up their former ideals. The process was never intended to be easy for it is basically the glue of monogamy. Just know, this trait is a representation of good character and integrity. Good men wish to have such trait and secure women seek it. So at best, there is no lost of identity, but maybe the misappropriation of it has to be revised.

We rather learn, with effort, to give our wonderful gift to someone who knows what to do with it. We just pray of God opening new doors to healthier relationships.

I was all absorbed in my relationship and my family as well. That is the one things that I have taken from my journey after my divorce. It was so hard to shake the loneliness because my whole life had been my family and my X and then it was gone. My x left and my son and his family moved away. Total loss. I came home night after night and cried and cried. However, that is what made me say, "I've got to figure out who I am". So, after the initial grieving was over, I started doing the things I used to enjoy. It wasn't the same because it had been so long since I had been by myself. However, I started the process. I started eating what I wanted to, going for walks when I wanted to, a hockey game here and there, football games on Sunday, watching things on tv I loved and the list goes on. I did quite a bit of travelling, which I totally enjoyed and I went to see my son and his family every 2 months. I rediscovered who and what I liked. It took a lot of time but I learned to never give up what is important to me. So now, I spend time making sure I do the things I enjoy so that I can continue to strive to be the person I want to be. I will never stop growing.

Thanks everybody for the great advice and words of encouragement. I'll have to start making myself do the things that I enjoy again and hopefully in the process meet new people and make new friends. I know I'm not ready to date yet so my goal is just to make a good circle of friends, I lost so many through the divorce and learned the hard way who my friends really were.

I don't think you can lose something you never had. In my case, I never knew who I was. I married so young that I never gave myself the chance to find out. Now, after a failed 24 year marriage (30 years together), I'm slowly trying to figure that out. Some days, it's clearer to me. Others feel like I'm trying to find my way through thick fog with a candle. I hold onto the good days and draw strength from my family and friends to help me get through the bad ones. Like you, my family was everything to me. That's part of the problem. Now that my kids are grown and living on their own, it's all up to me to figure out who I am and what I want. The challenges are many, but sometimes that's a good thing. And, yes, it's terrifying at times. But, take it one moment at a time. Celebrate each victory, no matter how small. And, when life seems overwhelming, take a step back and look how far you've come. Take great pride in your success. You've earned each milestone, each step taken, each risk, each day that you got up and got dressed and gave this new life of yours a shot.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!!