I have only been here for a few weeks and wish I found you all ages ago. It really does help. I don't feel alone or feel I'm going crazy. Just normal, if normal is the word. Thanks all xx

Diane, you are most welcome for the thanks and also for getting the word out about this group on DS!

As to your question -- about why it seems like so many people are divorcing after 20 years or so -- that sort of goes back to a post I made here last week. Someone asked "Is Monogomy Normal?" I responded to that, but also raised the issue of life expectancy vs. being married "until death do us part."

Sometimes I think we're simply not "wired" to remain in a committed relationship for life because we are living soooo much longer than our grandparents, great-grandparents, etc. Plus, we live in such a mobile society and there are soooo many external factors that influence our lives now than generations ago. Don't get me wrong -- I definitely believe in the marriage vows and that once you take them, you are BOUND to keep them (unless, of course, your spouse turns out to be a total nutcase, an abuser or whatever) but our "society" is what morphed animal pairing into a legally and morally binding arrangement. I think in my response to the post I just mentioned, I made a reference to this institution of marriage being what "separates us from our ancestors who lived in caves and wore animal skins."

But the other side of that societal coin is the breakdown of moral codes in this country! When my H ran off for the OW after 30 years together, one of my long-married friends said to me, "These things happen every day." Well, yes they DO, but IT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT! That's when I took up my sword, lawyered up and made it my business to run him ragged to "pay up" for what he did -- specifically, blindsiding and betraying me and making a mockery of our marriage vows!

My most excellent attorney, it turns out, is a strong advocate for women -- women who found themselves in the same ugly situation as I had -- and she coaches them in knowing that our laws in Maryland still protect the women who were stay-at-home mothers and those who never had the earning capacity as their errant husbands.

When we went to court, she also made a very strong statement in her closing argument on my behalf and requested that the court "...send a very clear message to the Respondent that HIS actions and HIS decisions carry very strong FINANCIAL consequences in the eyes of the law". It was all I could do to keep from standing up and cheering! The judge heard her loud and clear and to this day, our local courthouse is still buzzing about this Cowgirl saw justice served up on a very expensive silver platter!

I will NEVER say to someone who is in the throes of betrayal and divorce "These things happen every day" -- even though I know now that they DO, IT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT! Whenever someone comes on here and talks of "being nice" I tell them EXACTLY like it is -- you "play nice, you are going to GET SCREWED!" I don't mean that you have to be hateful or vindictive, but I DO MEAN that you have got to pull up those Big Girl panties, HIRE A CRACK-SHOT ATTORNEY and get down in the trenches because you will be in the FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE so that you can have a New Life!

My Journey taught me that there was NOTHING I could do to get my runaway H to see what he had done as anything but immoral and wrong. It took time, but eventually, his Karma did play out. I did what I had to do to get through the 18 Months of Hell and still struggled with the unfinished emotional business for a few years past the final divorce (which was four years ago last month). LIVING WELL is the BEST REVENGE and I am living very well, in many ways that were never possible when I was married. I give thanks to God every single day for holding my hand while I walked through those Hellish days alone. And I remain a presence here to help anyone who comes to us for advice, support or just a sympathetic ear.

If more people who find themselves on the receiving end of betrayal in marriage STAND UP and rail against it, perhaps the lackadaisial (sp) attitude which seems to prevail in this country today will change! I also lobby locally for MANDATORY COUPLES COUNSELING before one can apply for a marriage license. Amazingly, there was already a local group in existence here BEFORE I went through divorce and NOW that requirement is in force. Unfortunately, there's nothing that says you have to get your marriage license in THIS county, but several neighboring counties have since adopted the same requirement. It only makes sense!

I used to say that a marriage license should be more like a fishing license -- that you have to renew it every year. And I would like to see THAT requirement coupled with MANDATORY MARRIAGE COUNSELING at least every five years.

Ok, off my Wednesday morning soapbox. But as you can tell, I have VERY STRONG FEELINGS about all this. I guarantee you if there had been these mandatory requirements in place back in 1982, my X would have NEVER become my H. THAT would have saved me 25 years of grief for sure!

Cowgirl- Im struggling again today BUT i'm going to try taking your advice and and find a pair of Big Girl Panties to pull up and see if my attitude will change. Thank You Again for being here!

PS: Found a pair! Not sure if my attitude is changed, but I am laughing for the moment ! Maybe a walk in the sunshine is in order (just not wearing the Big Girl stuff) :-)

WTconfused

Thank you for giving me my first laugh of the day. I can't help picturing you in "big girl panties". After the day I had yesterday I really needed that laugh. Men in their "big girl panties" ROFL

WTconfused - I agree, the laughter was necessary for me as well today. Thanks so much.

Marriage is a contract. An agreement between both parties. In my Mother's day women were expected to stay home and raise the family forgoing a career and sometimes a college education. A marriage contract ensured the mother and children were "covered" financially while the children were young. A marriage contract ensured if one spouse became ill the other one wouldn't jump ship. People don't committ to anything anymore. It's all about making themselves feel good and taking care of themselves.

I think people just suffered through long term marriages because they felt they made a commitment and it was the right thing to do. Look in the Sunday paper....there are hardly any Silver or Golden wedding anniversary announcements any more. And the people I know who have been married a long time hardly feel celebratory about it.

I too enjoy a good laugh. (((HUGS)))

Cowgirl: It is certain, A little longevity and a little mobility in the mix gives the poorly "wired" cheater his opportunity. There is a saying, "man can't hold fire in his lap without burning his clothes " so what happened to saying "NO, cheating is not an option to risk my valued marriage"? Wait, I just remembered, the value of marriage obviously was not VALUED by these poorly "wired" individuals.

drtexdi: I too struggled with the question of those married over 20 years now divorced. I was beyond shocked. I came from a long family line who had 50+ marriages until their deaths. But my ex's family on the other hand, I quickly learned the meaning of "generational determination" and its effects of their dysfunctional "wiring". It's about who and what they listen to!

PS: I want to add, these folks on DS are like iron. Iron sharpens iron.

We are on the brink of living in a dysfunctional society. If we are not already there. Families are scattered all over the country and the world. We are becoming unconnected from family and family values. Then there are the beepers and pagers at work. The internet with instant gratification. You don't like your other half get on the interent and live in a fantasy world. No man or woman can live up to the fantasy in their spouse's mind.

Then we get to Viaga and all that has brought into a senior man's life. Used responsibility it's okay but now you have older men trying to fulfill the fantasy in their minds. Some things are meant not to work for a reason.
Pornography doesn't help either and it's in our everyday life. We now live in a throw away society. No one repairs anything any more. It's cheaper to buy new than to repair. You don't like how your spouse has aged just go out and find a younger model. People don't want to comit to anything any more. Their word is no longer written in stone. Even written contracts are questioned and not followed thru on.

My parents were married for over 30 years. My dad died and then years later my mother passed away. They had their problems but we never heard them fighting. They treated each other with respect even though I know they both cheated. I come from a family of cheaters. Father, mother, sisters and brother. But my parents were comitted to their marriage till the day they died. My sister and brother have been married many times.I think my youngest sister is still married to her first and only husband but yes, she is a cheater.

I can hear the hurt in my daughter's voice that I am divorced. I hear her talk about friends at work who are in long term marriages and getting divorced after 20 + years. I just read an article that said it can be cheaper to live together than be married and file your income tax if both people work outside the home. That for seniors it can be cheaper on taxes to live together and not marry if they pay taxes on their SS.

I just personally know that after 33 years I had to get out. I couldn't live the way I was living any more. I was comitted to my marriage but the ex wasn't. I think in the future marriage will be a rare occurence. If not in my daughter's lifetime then in her daughter's lifetime.

Hey Girl!!

...and a great suggestion it was....God is good and thanks for directing me here! The overwhelm is so...so...overwhelming at times!

Diane ;o)

Yes, God is good Diane! Diane is one of my friends who is going through this! Please welcome her to the group. I know it won't be hard to remember that we are friends from the same area because we have the same name. I am posting on my phone so I can't reply until later. Thank you all!
Diane

Hi Diane! Welcome to this site :)

I'm glad you're spreading the word, Diane drtexti. There is strength in numbers and I think nearly every post is responded to here in a variety of ways whereupon the reader can glean something useful or applicable to their situation.

Thanks for the pep talk, Cowgirl. This may be too much info, but one of new passions is Victoria Secret...no more granny panties. I know you meant figuratively, but.....lol.

Without my relationship with God, I would have gone insane. HE's the biggest constant in my life. I agree that in this day, marriage is not the revered institution it once was, overall. That it is a tax shelter is nice for those married, but I learned this year that I may owe a lot to Uncle Sam by filing "married filing separately" for last year. It really sucks and that is another story. Living with someone seems to be a very attractive financial arrangement. Hugs!!!!!

JustSpiffy - I'm chuckling over your comment regarding your big girl panties coming from Victoria's Secret. When those catalogs come to the house, Tom always says "Victoria HAS NO SECRETS!" I'm sitting here hoping that WTConfused's new-found panties came from some other source -- it's not a pretty picture thinking about a guy wearing ANYTHING that Victoria offers in her mail-order line! LOL!

WTConfused - you definitely had me howling when I read your remark! Your sense of humor is definitely intact and that's A VERY GOOD THING!

Welcome GeorgieP. You'll see that this group are honest and loving people. Many have been through the fire and came out. You will too!

JustSpiffy: You are too much! There's nothing like having Victoria Secrets stashed away, meanwhile, its Targets 3 in a pack for me. But I agree, the granny got to go! Do they still make those?

Hey thanks for all the welcomes!!! Me?....no more 3 fer packs!!! I have lost a bunch of weight most before all this but I HAD to buy all new clothes....42 pounds on a 5'2" frame....so I decided I was "worth" some nice undies from the clearance rack!!! LOL Threw out all the old and ugly stuff....busy remaking myself from the underwear up, in, out etc!!

I may be knee deep in muck and manure but I know what I have on under my dirty levi's and it's not granny panties or 3 fers.

GeorgieP; I lifted weights for 4 years till the work load got to heavy at home. I too had to buy new clothes. I know how hard it is to go to the gym and lift heavier weights each week and that damn tread mill can be so boring. Those new clothes are your reward.