Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Ok now is it just me or have some just given up on the true meaning of a relationship?
My mom remarried when I was just 5. My dad is 10 years younger than my mom. There were 5 kids already in this family. My youngest sister wasn't born when my bio dad died. So this is her only dad she will ever know. They married just a year after her birth. They are still married. Granted not always easy but still together. That's what I want.
I want a man who never gives up. Who never turns to another woman because he's "upset" with his wife. I want a man who thinks "hell yes! This marriage is worth it all". Well I guess I flunked in that department. My ex was much too eager to complain and then be consoled by another instead of working it out. I still get very angry when I hear of him spouting how "wonderful" his new wife is. Ok, well sometimes I do. Because I heard all those same words and look where it got us.
Mates any more do not think twice to go elsewhere instead of staying. Or if they stray, they do not seem to consider their children. My sons, so it seems to me, hate their father. One refuses any type of communication and the other refuses to talk about him let alone to him. I feel sorry for them. That brings me down. Then I remember my counselor saying it's misplaced guilt. Don't take his guilt to be yours. Ok I got it. But what do you do when you hear he's bragging about his children and that he will never give up on them. ?
I love my sons with every fiber in my body. It would just kill me if they weren't talking to me. If I did or do something to hurt them we talk it out. We always end every phone call with "I love you" and every visit with the same words along with a kiss. They have been taught this from an early age. They know no matter what that their mom is mom. Not here for the best times but here for all time. I don't see how a parent can just act like they aren't important unless someone else brings them to that parent's attention. A part-timer is not a parent. You can't have a relationship with your child if you just "use" them to make yourself look good.
So relationships between bf/gf, husband/wife, parent/child are all the same work. You make them work if important to you. You never ever give up. But please, PLEASE don't ever use them. Don't be "proud" of your mate when in public together then cheat on them. Don't act like a good parent when you can go months not talking to your child. Don't abuse your place in the other person's life. If you love them, treat them so. If not then have the common sense to admit what you did.
I know I am ranting but where else can I? I do such an awesome job (well, most of the time) with my life. I have moved on from the exass. I know my part in the divorce. I accept it. I trusted. I accepted way too many times. I loved til I couldn't any more. But I never cheated, lied, abused. It just p's me off when I see the fakeness going on. When I see bragging about a life that doesn't exist except in their own eyes. When I see the same pattern going on and I can pretty much predict the outcome. It will be what it will be. It will no doubt end the same way. Just a matter of time bubba!!
ok rant over. That felt good though. thanks for listening
My mom remarried when I was just 5. My dad is 10 years younger than my mom. There were 5 kids already in this family. My youngest sister wasn't born when my bio dad died. So this is her only dad she will ever know. They married just a year after her birth. They are still married. Granted not always easy but still together. That's what I want.
I want a man who never gives up. Who never turns to another woman because he's "upset" with his wife. I want a man who thinks "hell yes! This marriage is worth it all". Well I guess I flunked in that department. My ex was much too eager to complain and then be consoled by another instead of working it out. I still get very angry when I hear of him spouting how "wonderful" his new wife is. Ok, well sometimes I do. Because I heard all those same words and look where it got us.
Mates any more do not think twice to go elsewhere instead of staying. Or if they stray, they do not seem to consider their children. My sons, so it seems to me, hate their father. One refuses any type of communication and the other refuses to talk about him let alone to him. I feel sorry for them. That brings me down. Then I remember my counselor saying it's misplaced guilt. Don't take his guilt to be yours. Ok I got it. But what do you do when you hear he's bragging about his children and that he will never give up on them. ?
I love my sons with every fiber in my body. It would just kill me if they weren't talking to me. If I did or do something to hurt them we talk it out. We always end every phone call with "I love you" and every visit with the same words along with a kiss. They have been taught this from an early age. They know no matter what that their mom is mom. Not here for the best times but here for all time. I don't see how a parent can just act like they aren't important unless someone else brings them to that parent's attention. A part-timer is not a parent. You can't have a relationship with your child if you just "use" them to make yourself look good.
So relationships between bf/gf, husband/wife, parent/child are all the same work. You make them work if important to you. You never ever give up. But please, PLEASE don't ever use them. Don't be "proud" of your mate when in public together then cheat on them. Don't act like a good parent when you can go months not talking to your child. Don't abuse your place in the other person's life. If you love them, treat them so. If not then have the common sense to admit what you did.
I know I am ranting but where else can I? I do such an awesome job (well, most of the time) with my life. I have moved on from the exass. I know my part in the divorce. I accept it. I trusted. I accepted way too many times. I loved til I couldn't any more. But I never cheated, lied, abused. It just p's me off when I see the fakeness going on. When I see bragging about a life that doesn't exist except in their own eyes. When I see the same pattern going on and I can pretty much predict the outcome. It will be what it will be. It will no doubt end the same way. Just a matter of time bubba!!
ok rant over. That felt good though. thanks for listening
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
My older daughter and he used to be so close and now he almost never speaks to her and definitely does not seem to miss her.She was home from college for 3 and half months during the summer and he saw her a total of 5 days and then only for about 2-3 hrs. When he first left (1 yr ago) she was furious with him, but since the summer she seems to want to have a relationship with him, but he is not cooperating. She seemed very depressed during the summer being here and seeing how he was acting. I am encouraging her to stay at school this summer and take classes. I will miss her,but I don't think that being home right now is good her.
This past week I went to a work related event that he was also at and in front of his co-workers he was acting like we were still together; I did not know what to say. I did not feel like it was appropriate to say, "Excuse me, but we are not together". He was introducing me to people as his wife, which I am, but still its weird. He was talking about me like he was so proud of me and his co-workers were bringing up how they heard so many good things about me, and they knew I got a new car and wanted to see it; mean while he never returns any of my calls. It was bizarre. It's all about the image for him. He still wears a wedding ring, but the best part is that it is not even our wedding ring, it's some random ring.
A chasm has grown to a horrendous level between myself and my kids and grandkids. The four men I know personally that have experienced divorce in their lives mirror my situation. I can't explain the why but I do know my wife was the liaison, the glue that held the family together. You women perceive your exes as being cold or downright intentionally inconsiderate to your children but if they are in my shoes that is the furthest thing from the truth. I feel pain daily from the distance I have now with my kids and grandkids. It hurts beyond a level I can describe and makes me feel like my life is meaningless and insignificant yet I have to assume my ex is visualizing me just as you women are visualizing your exes and that is so not true. I don't know why I can't connect with them, I only know I don't. I miss it horribly but can't seem to change it.
My divorce began 10 years ago this coming June. I cried at the onset and have wept periodically throughout the years over its demise with diminishing episodes over the years. I can't recall the last time I wept, but today, right now as I type, is the last time. I miss my family dearly. I'm nothing without them, but the distance is still there and nothing, absolutely nothing seems to create that bond that once was there.
It's possible your exes aren't evil. It's possible they needed you as the glue. There are too many dynamics involved when it comes to divorce to draw certain assumptions. How it appears on the surface may not reflect what is going on inside. I've been told how to reduce this chasm, just do more of this and do more of that, and I do, but it doesn't work. The disconnect is still there. In certain situations we need each other to experience the best outcome. If you have an appendicitis attack you go to a doctor, you don't operate on yourself. You need that doctor. At least that can be explained. I need that glue, but I can't explain it.
Larry5577, your post made me cry and made me wonder if that same thing is going on with me ex. You just have to keep trying and be persistent. If you have not been in the picture it will take a long time for them to trust you. You are the parent and you have to do the work. My 20 year old does not want to talk about anything and just wants to pretend like she does not care and she is fine. It is obvious that that is not the case. As the parent, I push her to talk and when she withdraws I chase her down and make her get involved. I am hurting too and it would be easier to just let her do whatever she sees fit and just lick my own wounds, but she needs me (regardless of how she may act), and your children need you too. They need to know how you feel, although it will probably make them feel mad at first. You are their dad and no matter how old they are they want you in their lives, but probably just don't trust you right now. You need to make yourself be there no matter how hard it is and how uncomfortable it may be at first.
People fall out of love, they grow apart. ..but your children...I just don't get it. My daughters were pretty much grown by the time we divorced and I let my daughters know that their relationship with their father was
THEIRS and I was not to be involved. Too often while they were growing up, I felt caught in the middle between my daughters and their father. My daughters were much closer to me than they ever were their father and he felt left out. He grew up with only brothers, so didn't know how to really relate to girls, so he probably did feel left out. At least he remained in my daughters lives and because HE is the one with family here, I'm the one left out. Guess if he wanted me to know how he felt, he got his wish.