Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Ok now is it just me or have some just given up on the true meaning of a relationship?
My mom remarried when I was just 5. My dad is 10 years younger than my mom. There were 5 kids already in this family. My youngest sister wasn't born when my bio dad died. So this is her only dad she will ever know. They married just a year after her birth. They are still married. Granted not always easy but still together. That's what I want.
I want a man who never gives up. Who never turns to another woman because he's "upset" with his wife. I want a man who thinks "hell yes! This marriage is worth it all". Well I guess I flunked in that department. My ex was much too eager to complain and then be consoled by another instead of working it out. I still get very angry when I hear of him spouting how "wonderful" his new wife is. Ok, well sometimes I do. Because I heard all those same words and look where it got us.
Mates any more do not think twice to go elsewhere instead of staying. Or if they stray, they do not seem to consider their children. My sons, so it seems to me, hate their father. One refuses any type of communication and the other refuses to talk about him let alone to him. I feel sorry for them. That brings me down. Then I remember my counselor saying it's misplaced guilt. Don't take his guilt to be yours. Ok I got it. But what do you do when you hear he's bragging about his children and that he will never give up on them. ?
I love my sons with every fiber in my body. It would just kill me if they weren't talking to me. If I did or do something to hurt them we talk it out. We always end every phone call with "I love you" and every visit with the same words along with a kiss. They have been taught this from an early age. They know no matter what that their mom is mom. Not here for the best times but here for all time. I don't see how a parent can just act like they aren't important unless someone else brings them to that parent's attention. A part-timer is not a parent. You can't have a relationship with your child if you just "use" them to make yourself look good.
So relationships between bf/gf, husband/wife, parent/child are all the same work. You make them work if important to you. You never ever give up. But please, PLEASE don't ever use them. Don't be "proud" of your mate when in public together then cheat on them. Don't act like a good parent when you can go months not talking to your child. Don't abuse your place in the other person's life. If you love them, treat them so. If not then have the common sense to admit what you did.
I know I am ranting but where else can I? I do such an awesome job (well, most of the time) with my life. I have moved on from the exass. I know my part in the divorce. I accept it. I trusted. I accepted way too many times. I loved til I couldn't any more. But I never cheated, lied, abused. It just p's me off when I see the fakeness going on. When I see bragging about a life that doesn't exist except in their own eyes. When I see the same pattern going on and I can pretty much predict the outcome. It will be what it will be. It will no doubt end the same way. Just a matter of time bubba!!
ok rant over. That felt good though. thanks for listening
My mom remarried when I was just 5. My dad is 10 years younger than my mom. There were 5 kids already in this family. My youngest sister wasn't born when my bio dad died. So this is her only dad she will ever know. They married just a year after her birth. They are still married. Granted not always easy but still together. That's what I want.
I want a man who never gives up. Who never turns to another woman because he's "upset" with his wife. I want a man who thinks "hell yes! This marriage is worth it all". Well I guess I flunked in that department. My ex was much too eager to complain and then be consoled by another instead of working it out. I still get very angry when I hear of him spouting how "wonderful" his new wife is. Ok, well sometimes I do. Because I heard all those same words and look where it got us.
Mates any more do not think twice to go elsewhere instead of staying. Or if they stray, they do not seem to consider their children. My sons, so it seems to me, hate their father. One refuses any type of communication and the other refuses to talk about him let alone to him. I feel sorry for them. That brings me down. Then I remember my counselor saying it's misplaced guilt. Don't take his guilt to be yours. Ok I got it. But what do you do when you hear he's bragging about his children and that he will never give up on them. ?
I love my sons with every fiber in my body. It would just kill me if they weren't talking to me. If I did or do something to hurt them we talk it out. We always end every phone call with "I love you" and every visit with the same words along with a kiss. They have been taught this from an early age. They know no matter what that their mom is mom. Not here for the best times but here for all time. I don't see how a parent can just act like they aren't important unless someone else brings them to that parent's attention. A part-timer is not a parent. You can't have a relationship with your child if you just "use" them to make yourself look good.
So relationships between bf/gf, husband/wife, parent/child are all the same work. You make them work if important to you. You never ever give up. But please, PLEASE don't ever use them. Don't be "proud" of your mate when in public together then cheat on them. Don't act like a good parent when you can go months not talking to your child. Don't abuse your place in the other person's life. If you love them, treat them so. If not then have the common sense to admit what you did.
I know I am ranting but where else can I? I do such an awesome job (well, most of the time) with my life. I have moved on from the exass. I know my part in the divorce. I accept it. I trusted. I accepted way too many times. I loved til I couldn't any more. But I never cheated, lied, abused. It just p's me off when I see the fakeness going on. When I see bragging about a life that doesn't exist except in their own eyes. When I see the same pattern going on and I can pretty much predict the outcome. It will be what it will be. It will no doubt end the same way. Just a matter of time bubba!!
ok rant over. That felt good though. thanks for listening
But those of us like you are wrong
the only relationship that matters is "how happy am I with what want?" that is not about being happy with one self and your inner character, with what you give
the only happiness that matters is what I take, my need for me,
me, I fact I'm not happy with this site, you guys are not making me happy, therefore I love you (well not so much) but I'm not in love with you
and you guys come first in my life ----- until you don't, which is really always
Not all dads are lime your ex. I fight every day for my kids. The courts in SC don't give a shitabout the kids.
I do think our kids are great, mostly because I encouraged them to forgive their father, encouraged him all the time to talk to them and spend time with them so they will have a better relationship. Even though he really hurt me, I did not want our children to have this anger in them always. And I know they wanted to but I think since I gave them the okay to forgive, they tried harder.
Today we talked about regrets he had and they were mostly about how we dealt with money in the past. I kept piping in about his multiply sex partners and constantly lying about it. Did he regret those? He kind of just skimmed over that and talked about what a great childhood we gave our kids. How many vacations we took them on and a lot of other stuff we did for them. The truth is... I am the one who worked in their classroom, planned every vacation we went on, stayed up with them when they were sick and signed them up for all their extra curriculum activities. While he just showed up when I asked him to and worked a lot. He was a good provider, I'll give him that.
So I chimed in that my regret was marrying him. That if I could do it all over I would have chosen a better life partner. He said we wouldn't have had our kids though. And I said,"I would have had kids, just not with him. And they still would have turned out great."
So I know how you feel about the ex bragging to people about himself and most of the time I don't care. He doesn't ever tell people the heartache he caused to me and our children. So be it. We can never change the strange person in front of us that we thought was our loving husbands.
But he wasn't. I can't control him, only me, and that sucks, because I'd like to make it better for my kids. I can't control what he says, and I try not to let anyone tell me anything they've heard about him or heard him saying. He sees himself as Mr. Wonderful because he's a legend in his own mind. Whatever.
I told my kids we are all going to be fine as soon as we get used to what we have now. Our original family is broken. Then I said we were in the process of a remodeling job. And they laughed. But it's true. We are all of us, including him, remodeling our relationships with each other as best we can.
My son is all easy going about it. He's 16. Does he really feel this way? I don't know. He doesn't like what his dad did. He doesn't like that his dad lied. And he especially doesn't like that his dad left.
My daughter who is 20 is spitting nails mad. Will she forgive him? I don't know. But I keep telling her what a friend told me, "He's the only dad you've got. Not the one you think you had and not the one you wanted, but he is your dad."
Sometimes I don't know why I am trying so hard to help him build a relationship with them when I literally can't stand him anymore. But he was abandoned by his father. My mom was abandoned by her father. It sticks to you. Maybe the scars aren't red and shiny anymore, but they're there. So I think that's why even though I know my stbx is a cheating, lying pig, I want them to be able to pick the parts of him they like and build some sort of relationship on that.
And of course my son, daughter,and I pray that he doesn't end up trating them the way his dad treated them.
I hope my rambling makes sense.
Rebub and misred---I have not lived my life hoping to find someone to "make" me happy. I have been married 2x. Both cheated. The only difference is the first time I left after finding out. The second lasted because of my sons. If, and when, I find another it will be with eyes wide open. Not someone to complete me but someone to spend time with. Not looking for another marriage. That is not where I want to go or what I want. But "wanting" to be happy is possible. I have many friends and family who have been married decades. Not always good but still in the end happy.
I guess I phrased it wrong for some to have read it wrong. sorry about that.
I really do value others opinions. Some I take to heart and some I just ignore. lol But yes you validated. I just didn't want anyone to think "soul mate" was what I am looking for.
Happy is different for everyone. I don't prefer to spend my life single but I also don't prefer to spend my life with another asshole. lmao
The oldest finally went to a counselor and worked through quite a bit. She now just merely tolerates him. She will see him when she is in town but most of the time it ends up in a HUGE argument and her in tears.
The youngest and I were talking the other day...she is still furious because she remembers his first affair and him taking her to meet the woman and also hiding receipts for things that he bought for her. How do you do that to your 10 year old daughter?
I get melancholy. I admit that. But when I hear things like that I KNOW I am better off. AT least my kids can trust me, rely on me and they WANT to be around me.
Oh and his latest girlfriend actually told the youngest that she is proud of my ex because he has really done a great job and he has stayed in their lives!!! She told her to leave her alone because she had no idea what she was talking about. lol
I think it is easy to have a bright shiny new relationship when you don't have all of LIFE (bills, kids, cleaning, etc) that gets in the way! The honeymoon period usually ends though.
<< I trusted. I accepted way too many times. I loved til I couldn't any more. But I never cheated, lied, abused.>>
Wow. I could have written that. I guess some of us our taught what true commitment is and what it takes to make a marriage work...and others aren't. My Catholic upbringing taught me that marriage is a sacrament, NOT just a piece of paper, but it seems no one believes that anymore. My ex was raised NOTHING, so we did not share that same belief. My daughters (although I raised them Catholic) had enough of his influence growing up that they believe like he did - if you're unhappy, get a divorce and start over. And, the fact my daughters know a happier father than they ever did growing up when he was with ME, probably cements that right into their brains. It's hard these days to teach this generation about morals and values when people have pulled away from God and church. It's a shame.
I also learned by watching my parents. My father has been verbally abused by my mother their whole marriage (59 years), but he said to me during my divorce, "I may not have always been happy in my marriage, but I ALWAYS put you kids and your mother first." I love my dad and respect him for that. My dh's parents also have been married over 50 years and my MIL put up with drinking and cheating, but held her family together and now they are reaping the fruits of their hard work. They are in their 70's and take good care of each other and all 5 of their adult children get to come home for the holidays, whereas MY daughters have to split their time. That most of all makes me sad.
um what the HELL did you think they would do more than 3 years ago when you asked for this and decided to spend your life with someone else (he is now on his 5-6 someone else)? Did you REALLY think I would feel sorry for you and cave and say, "ok, let's spend it together as if we were one big happy family!" Oh hell no. You asked for this, now live with the consequences jerk face!
Sorry....It makes me sad as well because it is so much stress on the kids, but they don't want to go back to the way life used to be either....they realize we are all happier now.
He even went as far as to say he feels loved by his "new" family. Now isn't that a kick in the teeth? He is on his 3rd. 5 daughters from first and my 2 sons. That is ballsy. And people (including some of my own family) wonder why I can't stand to hear of that ass!
My ex and I are both remarried, but I have no desire to be around him and have no need to be. I prefer to let the past stay in the past and that includes him, but because my daughters stay with him when they visit and prefer him and his family to mine, it's hard to dismiss him completely. It's like ripple effects. He hurt me and now his children are hurting me. My DD27 said her boyfriend's father cheated on HIS mother and remarried his mistress, yet his mother goes over to their house on the holidays so they can all be together, so why can't I? Really?? My ex has no place in my new life He wasn't my friend in our marriage, so why would I want him as one now? They think I haven't forgiven their father. I don't see it that way. What I resent is that because HE has the family home and the family close by, he won. I raised our girls while he was gone most of the time and now HE'S the favored parent. I'm like the outsider looking in. I could care less about the man, but I feel he took my children from me in the process. That's what I have a hard time with.
My sons grew up knowing their dad was unfaithful. He took each with him from time to time on his trucking trips. The oldest loves trucks to this day and is a trucker too.. The youngest used to call him out when he referred to females as sweetie or dear. He used to say "you have a sweetie at home. she's mom". mind you he was only 4 or 5 at the time.
When we went for the divorce I heard all the details they never told mom. Dear dad told them they were dreaming when they would ask his questions. Imagine doing head games to little minds?? I did what I had to do to get it over. I wouldn't be the parent using my kids for some better outcome.
Just hang strong. I always believe that what goes around comes around. Sooner or later, and hopefully before getting hurt, Your kids will see it all more clearly. You still have them. Just a little detour for now. Will be praying for you.