Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
My horrible saga is just continuing. I know the advice I have been given but remember it is a 22 year marriage. He and I have been meeting because he is CONSIDERING if he still wants to have the divorce. But I have been wondering this: it's been 3 months and how does he not know? Granted, he was adamant about getting the divorce for the last 2 and half months; it's only maybe the last week that he has said he is reconsidering. But I am wondering if this indeciviseness is a sign of abuse. How can he not know? On the one hand, I guess if he was 100% sure he would have filed the divorce and be gone. But he is still around. He is actually trying to figure out if he wants to stay. But it's the same stuff coming up: he was unhappy, I am not a good partner, our quality of life was bad. I don't know how to think about this. We can't keep going on like this. First, the longer we stay apart just seeing each other for an hour or talking on the phone, I feel like our connection is being killed. It was in our everyday interaction that we were able to bridge the gap. Now when it is like this, I feel it is easier to lead separate lives.
I don't know if I am thinking about this the wrong way: I said maybe it's good that you can't make a decision because if it were so easy you'd be able to go. Isn't this a sign? Why isn't he gone? I said the reason you haven't been able to leave is because you can't make that decision. He replied he doesn't know. He wasn't happy with me and he is still trying to decide if it will work.
oh on an even more horrible note, my sister's husband( where I am staying) thinks I take too many showers. I just feel so deflated and completely, completely unwanted. I don't think this situation can go on like this much longer. I wonder if he is going to drag this indecisiveness out and then finally say he wants a divorce. Sick of being treated like an option
I don't know if I am thinking about this the wrong way: I said maybe it's good that you can't make a decision because if it were so easy you'd be able to go. Isn't this a sign? Why isn't he gone? I said the reason you haven't been able to leave is because you can't make that decision. He replied he doesn't know. He wasn't happy with me and he is still trying to decide if it will work.
oh on an even more horrible note, my sister's husband( where I am staying) thinks I take too many showers. I just feel so deflated and completely, completely unwanted. I don't think this situation can go on like this much longer. I wonder if he is going to drag this indecisiveness out and then finally say he wants a divorce. Sick of being treated like an option
My ex refused to co-operate at the few therapist sessions he went to, then when I said I was going to leave, the first thing he said was "let's get counselling". He didn't show any signs of wanting to make it work at the counselling sessions. I stayed in the house for almost 2 months after decision day, and in that time, he didn't take any special time out to be with me and discuss things. I'm sorry to say his request for counselling was just a play for time.
Your situation may be completely different to mine, but if he's not showing any signs of wanting to talk to you, it may be a play for more time to get his ducks in a row.
Maybe you should get your ducks in a row just in case. Or ask him around for a coffee or lunch to talk about his indecision?
I'm sorry your BIL is being funny about showers. Surely everyone showers? It is a bit tricky when you're staying with someone else. Their lives are disrupted and on hold for a while, too. It's probably not personal - just the disruption.
love and hugs
kamary
He has made the effort to spend some time. For example, everytime since I have been teaching, he has shown up with the car so I can drive myself home. Now, this is really out of the way for him and he usually gets stuck in traffic. Plus, he gets up really early to make a 2 and 1/2 hour commute, so when he gets to me, he is tired. He says he is doing it because he doesn't want me to lose my driving skills, which I think is rather nice because I don't have access to a car. He did take me out to an early dinner one night and that ended in disaster. We had a breakthrough on Monday. We took a walk and talked. He grabbed me and hugged me. But now, we are back to I don't know. I was not happy. What is so bad is after Monday, I ended up missing him more because I seriously don't understand why we are apart. He does call me regularly but we talk about trivial stuff like how the day is going and his job search or mine. It's like the elephant in the room is too painful. I miss him so much and want my marriage back so much but it doesn't look like that is going to happen
Sending hugs.
Don't you think you would be less stressed not having to wonder every day if this is the day he files? I think you should make the decision for him and file. Then maybe the truth will come out.
The counsellor I saw when I wanted to commit suicide, said : "If it feels like abuse, it is abuse."
I think it depends if he is genuine. He may genuinely be unsure. However, if he is just getting his ducks in a row (lawyer, money) while he keeps you on a string, then it is abuse.
I'm wondering if you were to put a limit on the 'thinking' time. It's not fair of him to make you hang in limbo for ever. Can you maybe ask him where he's at - maybe once a week or so? If you're making it clear that you would be willing, I think it's probably fair that he be upfront with how he's feeling. It shouldn't take that long for someone to decide to give it another go if they really want to.
love and hugs
kamary
Early in my 18 Months of Hell, my attorney told me that it is NOT UNCOMMON for these guys to get out there and then STALL the process. They realize what the financial impact of divorce is going to be. They begin to think about how THAT is going to impact the fantasy THEY have about what being single again. Hurtinandhealin pointed out the old adage "It's cheaper to keep her."
The X did all that stuff to me and even though it was HE who wanted the divorce, what he THOUGHT was going to happen was him able to have his OW and have his life in town while keeping ME out on the farm, living on a stipend and that he could come out there and lend a helping hand and maybe even boink me once in awhile for the rest of my life. NOT! Once I saw through his stupid fantasy, I made it my business to STOP IT DEAD IN ITS TRACKS! I am NOBODY'S FOOL and that didn't sit well with me AT ALL! That's when I told my attorney (and this was 9 MONTHS after he left) "GO GET HIM! I AM DONE!"
If you don't already have one, I highly recommend that you find a qualified counselor or licensed therapist to help you through this. My therapist helped me to put everything in perspective and find my voice! And my wonderful attorney fought long and hard to get me the financial settlement I deserved!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo
Hurtin nails it. It's his burden to make the effort. Forget asking him what he's done and instead, assess his actions !! His little snappy reply "I am still here, aren't I" shows he got an attitude problem.
Your H talking the "I don't know if it will work" indicates he'd rather be the innocent passenger on the marital bus rather the driver knowing where he has to take you. Maybe it is time for you to acknowledge his obscured ambiguous answer means literally, "There is no plans" !!! Either you get prepared off the bus, or sit yourself into the driver's seat and call the shots.
Sorry, but his behavior is not conducive to a healthy, loving, committed relationship. You need to set his wants, desires, what if's and wonder what he's going to do's aside and decide what YOU want and need.
You say you are "done," then you ask "why won't it just end?" If you are truly done with this, you need to make it end. You need to chose for yourself instead of waiting for him to keep on waffling this way and that and dragging you along with him.
There's always room to add someone IF he truly has a change of heart and behavior to become part of a marriage again, but I would assume and plan to be on your own for now.
Where do you want to be in a year? You need a job, or to be back in school, and a place to live without your in-law whining about you.
How do you get there? You find a lawyer to advise you about your rights. You find a therapist or counselor to help you get yourself back to a healthy place. You start planning YOUR life and let your husband sort his own mess out on his own. I suspect anything you do, or don't do, isn't going to change what he does by now, so take care of getting you where you need to be.
I stayed and "worked on our marriage" with my wasband for years, all to naught. And we didn't even use the word "divorce" until the last 2 years. I get why you would want to try, and you have. You've done what you could. Now it's time to take care of you and for him to s**t or get off the pot.
It's not easy, but it's what you need to do, and if he choses to join you, that's great, but if he doesn't, you are on your way to being able to live on your own instead of barely hanging on, existing in limbo.