Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
My horrible saga is just continuing. I know the advice I have been given but remember it is a 22 year marriage. He and I have been meeting because he is CONSIDERING if he still wants to have the divorce. But I have been wondering this: it's been 3 months and how does he not know? Granted, he was adamant about getting the divorce for the last 2 and half months; it's only maybe the last week that he has said he is reconsidering. But I am wondering if this indeciviseness is a sign of abuse. How can he not know? On the one hand, I guess if he was 100% sure he would have filed the divorce and be gone. But he is still around. He is actually trying to figure out if he wants to stay. But it's the same stuff coming up: he was unhappy, I am not a good partner, our quality of life was bad. I don't know how to think about this. We can't keep going on like this. First, the longer we stay apart just seeing each other for an hour or talking on the phone, I feel like our connection is being killed. It was in our everyday interaction that we were able to bridge the gap. Now when it is like this, I feel it is easier to lead separate lives.
I don't know if I am thinking about this the wrong way: I said maybe it's good that you can't make a decision because if it were so easy you'd be able to go. Isn't this a sign? Why isn't he gone? I said the reason you haven't been able to leave is because you can't make that decision. He replied he doesn't know. He wasn't happy with me and he is still trying to decide if it will work.
oh on an even more horrible note, my sister's husband( where I am staying) thinks I take too many showers. I just feel so deflated and completely, completely unwanted. I don't think this situation can go on like this much longer. I wonder if he is going to drag this indecisiveness out and then finally say he wants a divorce. Sick of being treated like an option
I don't know if I am thinking about this the wrong way: I said maybe it's good that you can't make a decision because if it were so easy you'd be able to go. Isn't this a sign? Why isn't he gone? I said the reason you haven't been able to leave is because you can't make that decision. He replied he doesn't know. He wasn't happy with me and he is still trying to decide if it will work.
oh on an even more horrible note, my sister's husband( where I am staying) thinks I take too many showers. I just feel so deflated and completely, completely unwanted. I don't think this situation can go on like this much longer. I wonder if he is going to drag this indecisiveness out and then finally say he wants a divorce. Sick of being treated like an option
I recently met a lady who spent an hour trying to talk me into going onto dating sites to meet a new guy. She had only just met me, and because she is happy with a new guy, she tried to tell me that's what I need. Nothing could be further from the truth for me.
We all do what we need to do at the right time for ourselves.
love and hugs
kamary
Not being able to plan your life, even your day can become very stressful. Wondering where you are going to be next year is scary. Waiting for him to make a decision that affects your life, your future is hard to deal with.
But it is your decision to allow him to control your life. When you get tried of it, make the decision and take back control of your own life.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time.
Hugs
can get your thinking straightened out. And as Kamary said you have to do what you feel is right for you.
Hugs
As far as your ex is concerned...I lived through that...it took 6 years and 2 divorces for him to finally figure out that his unhappiness was because of himself and not me. Happiness is a inside job and many never figure that out...they attack..shift blame. cheat..etc...all in the efforts to chase that illusive happiness...its very sad.
Its time for you to make decisions for yourself and what you want but you dont have to do it right this moment. First you need to take care of your immediate needs so you can be in the place to make important decisions about your future...having a home to go home to is a priority...Big Hugs...Kathy
As I implied in my earlier post, I think the X would have perfectly happy to keep me in limbo for an indefinite period of time. Nine months was long enough for me -- I needed to KNOW what I could plan on for MY FUTURE and think about what I really wanted to do. Limbo is HELL! If he's acting like he's on the fence yet saying all these things that YOU need to change -- he is a very Narcissistic man and you need to cut the ties.
I commend you for NOT RESPONDING to his phone calls or texts at this point. Don't give him what he wants -- he wants to keep you on shaky ground. They ALL do when they are the ones who have run away and hope to keep most of the marital assets.
PUT AND KEEP YOURSELF AND YOUR NEEDS FIRST! I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
If he didn't have an affair then I think he either needs to shit or get off the pot. It's no fair to keep you in limbo.
I am in agreement that you should stay away from dating and dating web sites. You aren't divorced yet and your marriage was more than two decades. You need to be divorced and at least a little healed before you even consider that option. Getting together with someone new wouldn't be fair to any of the three of you at this point. If you truly want to make a move forward, see a lawyer. Often times the first consultation is free. Find out what your rights are and give that some thought. Look into more permanent living arrangements, etc.
If your husband really wants to work on the marriage, then he has to meet you half way. Stringing you along is very abusive in my humble opinion. It's no good for your self esteem either.
Hugs and support
Ilostitinthedivorce.com
At some point in my divorce I would have stopped the divorce. All he had to do was just say those three magic words. I Love You. What I got was "I don't see why anything has to change." Another time it was "you have all the money. What more do you want? Why can't things stay the way they are now." This from a man who was overseas and committed bigamy.
Your H hasn't said I Love You either as he is getting you off the lease and expecting you to make all the changes to your life. He sounds a bit selfish as he makes new plans for his life.
Whether or not you reconcile (and I have to be honest when I say I don't think he really wants to) THIS is the message you need to CLEARLY SEND -- that you have had ENOUGH and either way, you are NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS CRAP ANYMORE!
Be strong! Going NO CONTACT helps YOU to figure out where you really are in all this. You have already recognized his particular brand of emotional abuse and I think you know it's NOT HEALTHY! Refuse to give him an audience and let his stupid remarks about your sister and brother-in-law. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He is grasping at straws trying to get you to bend to his will. DON'T DO IT!
It's just it sounds so much like he doesn't want to be with you, but doesn't want to lose the control he has over you, and wants to be able to still have you love him, while telling you he doesn't love you, and keeping all of your money, while keeping you poor and under his thumb, pining for what he refuses to give......
When you're ready, and I pray it's soon, you'll see what's right to do for yourself.
And in the meantime, I support your decisions to do what you feel is right for now, and I want to send you a big, empathetic hug!!