Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Ok, ok...this is not what it sounds like. No, I do not miss HIM, the person, but I miss being married to the only other person in this world who loves my children as much as I do and supports them in their hopes and dreams. I remarried 4 years ago, and although dh and I love each other dearly, we do not love each other's children in the way only parents can and have disagreed on the way we've handled each other's children more times than I can count.
I miss being part of a parental unit who "together" paid their college expenses, gave them cars in high school and again in college. They thanked "us", not just their father and now his wife. With our older ones, it was "us" who did that. Now it's "them". It's not just the material things, but the love and support we gave them as well.
Although I love my dh dearly. I do miss that about my ex. And that's all. Dh's sons and my daughters are very different (mine college educated, working, live far away); his sons with mental and addiction issues. Dh seeing MY kids as coddled and enabled (my ex and I call it "supporting") and his sons have mental issues and addictions.
Ok...I've ranted enough. Thanks for listening. I know many of you have exes who also are not good fathers and have walked away from not only you, but your children as well and I am sad for all of you. My children are lucky to have both their parents supporting them and loving them.
I know some of you are perfectly happy being alone (kudos!) and maybe you did the right thing by not bringing someone else into your life. I love my dh, but I guess if I could give anyone advice who longs for another partner, it is this...wait until all adult children are grown and on their own; keep finances separate; make sure his kids are similar to yours and can blend unlike mine and dh's. And keep your opinions to yourself. That is the hardest part of all. Dh and I did none of the above and it's been difficult. We will celebrate our 4th anniversary next month and, yes...things with the "children" have definitely gotten better, but peace has been a long time coming. I truly believe if I had remained single, I would have a better relationship with all of my daughters.
I wasn't sure to post this or not since I'm an "old timer" here, but, at least in my case, there have definitely been "ripple effects" since the divorce. I wish this for none of the rest of you here. God Bless...
I miss being part of a parental unit who "together" paid their college expenses, gave them cars in high school and again in college. They thanked "us", not just their father and now his wife. With our older ones, it was "us" who did that. Now it's "them". It's not just the material things, but the love and support we gave them as well.
Although I love my dh dearly. I do miss that about my ex. And that's all. Dh's sons and my daughters are very different (mine college educated, working, live far away); his sons with mental and addiction issues. Dh seeing MY kids as coddled and enabled (my ex and I call it "supporting") and his sons have mental issues and addictions.
Ok...I've ranted enough. Thanks for listening. I know many of you have exes who also are not good fathers and have walked away from not only you, but your children as well and I am sad for all of you. My children are lucky to have both their parents supporting them and loving them.
I know some of you are perfectly happy being alone (kudos!) and maybe you did the right thing by not bringing someone else into your life. I love my dh, but I guess if I could give anyone advice who longs for another partner, it is this...wait until all adult children are grown and on their own; keep finances separate; make sure his kids are similar to yours and can blend unlike mine and dh's. And keep your opinions to yourself. That is the hardest part of all. Dh and I did none of the above and it's been difficult. We will celebrate our 4th anniversary next month and, yes...things with the "children" have definitely gotten better, but peace has been a long time coming. I truly believe if I had remained single, I would have a better relationship with all of my daughters.
I wasn't sure to post this or not since I'm an "old timer" here, but, at least in my case, there have definitely been "ripple effects" since the divorce. I wish this for none of the rest of you here. God Bless...
I'm single and will most likely be so for a while. I was with my ex since I was 17 and I want some me time. I don't want to share right now and I'm smart enough to know it. Sure loneliness sets in sometimes, but it's normal.
I don't envy your situation for sure, have no solution for it, but understand completely what you mean. Here's a big hug ((((hug)))) and lots of support that you'll make it through this bump. Thanks for posting this, it really justified what I've been thinking all along.
I was with dh 2 1/2 years before I married him, divorced for 4, so I knew everything about him. I lived with him for a year, so knew we were compatible in that way. I wasn't interested at all in getting married again, but I knew it was important to dh and just couldn't turn him down when he asked me to marry him a second time.
If he, or she, is respectful, caring, kind to your kids, and loving and engaged in healthy relationships with his/her kids, that should make their being a parent an asset, right?
If he/she has none of their own, but are still comfortable, welcoming, respectful and kind around yours, what's the problem?
Startingover, you two must have really worked to see your relationship through the kind of chaos mental illness and addicted kids can bring. It sounds like your new husband was in a terrible place, and I can only imagine the toll that could take on you as well. I admire too, your commitment with your ex to do what's best for your children together. Thank you for sharing.