Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Ok, ok...this is not what it sounds like. No, I do not miss HIM, the person, but I miss being married to the only other person in this world who loves my children as much as I do and supports them in their hopes and dreams. I remarried 4 years ago, and although dh and I love each other dearly, we do not love each other's children in the way only parents can and have disagreed on the way we've handled each other's children more times than I can count.
I miss being part of a parental unit who "together" paid their college expenses, gave them cars in high school and again in college. They thanked "us", not just their father and now his wife. With our older ones, it was "us" who did that. Now it's "them". It's not just the material things, but the love and support we gave them as well.
Although I love my dh dearly. I do miss that about my ex. And that's all. Dh's sons and my daughters are very different (mine college educated, working, live far away); his sons with mental and addiction issues. Dh seeing MY kids as coddled and enabled (my ex and I call it "supporting") and his sons have mental issues and addictions.
Ok...I've ranted enough. Thanks for listening. I know many of you have exes who also are not good fathers and have walked away from not only you, but your children as well and I am sad for all of you. My children are lucky to have both their parents supporting them and loving them.
I know some of you are perfectly happy being alone (kudos!) and maybe you did the right thing by not bringing someone else into your life. I love my dh, but I guess if I could give anyone advice who longs for another partner, it is this...wait until all adult children are grown and on their own; keep finances separate; make sure his kids are similar to yours and can blend unlike mine and dh's. And keep your opinions to yourself. That is the hardest part of all. Dh and I did none of the above and it's been difficult. We will celebrate our 4th anniversary next month and, yes...things with the "children" have definitely gotten better, but peace has been a long time coming. I truly believe if I had remained single, I would have a better relationship with all of my daughters.
I wasn't sure to post this or not since I'm an "old timer" here, but, at least in my case, there have definitely been "ripple effects" since the divorce. I wish this for none of the rest of you here. God Bless...
I miss being part of a parental unit who "together" paid their college expenses, gave them cars in high school and again in college. They thanked "us", not just their father and now his wife. With our older ones, it was "us" who did that. Now it's "them". It's not just the material things, but the love and support we gave them as well.
Although I love my dh dearly. I do miss that about my ex. And that's all. Dh's sons and my daughters are very different (mine college educated, working, live far away); his sons with mental and addiction issues. Dh seeing MY kids as coddled and enabled (my ex and I call it "supporting") and his sons have mental issues and addictions.
Ok...I've ranted enough. Thanks for listening. I know many of you have exes who also are not good fathers and have walked away from not only you, but your children as well and I am sad for all of you. My children are lucky to have both their parents supporting them and loving them.
I know some of you are perfectly happy being alone (kudos!) and maybe you did the right thing by not bringing someone else into your life. I love my dh, but I guess if I could give anyone advice who longs for another partner, it is this...wait until all adult children are grown and on their own; keep finances separate; make sure his kids are similar to yours and can blend unlike mine and dh's. And keep your opinions to yourself. That is the hardest part of all. Dh and I did none of the above and it's been difficult. We will celebrate our 4th anniversary next month and, yes...things with the "children" have definitely gotten better, but peace has been a long time coming. I truly believe if I had remained single, I would have a better relationship with all of my daughters.
I wasn't sure to post this or not since I'm an "old timer" here, but, at least in my case, there have definitely been "ripple effects" since the divorce. I wish this for none of the rest of you here. God Bless...
While my dh (we will be celebrating 5 years next week) and I don't have issues with our merged children (they all get along and family get togethers go well, however, they are in different phases of their lives. My ds has 2 young adult, not married children and I have 1 married son with 3 grandchildren. My dh doesn't have grandchildren and mine have just moved in to the area after being away for 5 years. My grandchildren LOVE to come over and probably come over about two 1/2 days a week. not excessive. Also, I have offered a couple of times to watch them while my son and his wife went to a funeral out of state and now to a graduation. All my choice, all my offering to babysit. But, my dh sees it as being "taken advantage" of. He says it's not normal because no one ever did that for him and his x when they had small children. It's interesting how we expect others to act or feel like we do. So, we are working through this and my ds is finding some issues in his past that he is needing to deal with. Not easy to do. But the good thing is when you love each other and you are committed, you do what it takes to settle the issues, even if it causes some hurt feelings at time.
I see this as another opportunity to grow as a couple and learn about dealing with this new aspect in our lives. I am just thankful we didn't have to join our families with the children being little. It might have been a bigger issue.
I read a book called "The Way They Were) and it's about adult children of divorce. It was such a great book and it made me realize what my son might be going through. I think it's a great book for those of us on this page as we contemplate new relationships to have empathy for what our children have dealt with and what they will deal with with a new relationship. Even when they encourage us to date. They just want to see us happy again.
Thanks again for the post.
In regards to grandchildren, we, too, have had problems in that regard. Dh's DS31 has a DGS7 who, because of dh's son's drug use, the marriage to the mother fell apart after only a year and a half. His son finally went to rehab through the VA (he had PTSD from Iraq in 2005), and now lives 6 hours away, so we used to have DSGS7 every other weekend as his mother took full advantage of the fact that dh adores his grandson and his father wasn't around to pick up the slack. Her family lives an hour and a half away, so we were more convenient. Anyway, we had many arguments about him being at our house from Friday night - Sunday late afternoon...just so his mother could "play". I work full-time, so resented my entire weekend being spent babysitting. Unfortunately, I do not have the same love for DSGS7 as dh. I could see him twice a year and be fine. He's a good boy, but the attachment isn't there. We now have him usually once a month and FINALLY, dh put his foot down to his mother and usually lies and tells her we have "dinner plans" on Friday night, so we can only take him Sat-Sun. She always tries to pawn him off the entire weekend, but I guess takes what she can get.
We have definitely grown as a couple, but we've had more bumps along the way than my ex and I EVER had. Oh...mix in with that my dh's 2 aneuryisms 4&5 years ago while all his sons were using drugs. UGH Dh and I should be the poster children for what marriage and commitment is! In 6 years what we've endured is beyond comprehensible.
I used to be part of a support board for second marriages, but it closed down. It was a good one as many of us shared similar problems. I think, however, it may have been easier had the children been younger as it is easier to blend perhaps as the "kids" grow up together. Dh and I have way too different a parenting styles to have ever parented together. I never would have moved in with and married dh had my kids been younger. I would have made him wait til the last one was out the door which basically I did. I moved in with dh the year my youngest graduated and married him a year later.
Good on you girls for taking the risk, and for working with your new partners towards some sort of equilibrium.
From what my daughter tells me, there's not much blending with my ex's ow and her kids. From what I hear, the ow has moved in with my ex, and my daughter and her darling boys are still not being invited to the big house. I am sad for her. It reminds me of something my ex said to me in the dead of the night while we were lying in our separate beds and talking about our separation. It haunts me and it tells me everything about how very different he is to the man I married. He said "you can have second daughter and I'll have eldest daughter". I was horrified and told him what I thought of that idea, but I suspect he's doing everything in his power to make it happen. He's a very sick man, and my kids are just pawns to him. Yes, 'my' kids. He doesn't see them as our children. They're like part of the settlement to him. That's why I will hang in there for my kids no matter how much they hurt me. I know what's going on behind the scenes.
And I don't want to make the mistake of marrying someone else who turns out like him! Even though I see that you girls have made a success of a new relationship, it scares me half to death.
love and hugs
kamary
I miss who my wife pretended to be
that character was calculatingly crafted to deceive towards her own agenda,
realizing that what I missed was/is just a mask has been illuminating and cathartic
I am not sure I want to marry again either. Although I have a boyfriend, he lives in a different state. So I have to go there to see him. I have a lot of me time and that is kind of nice.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
I'm just over 7 years divorced and only two years finally free of the ex and his attempts to cause me financial harm. Sometimes a guy will catch my eye but then I think no way am I going to mess up my life again. I have both my daughters back in my life and I like the visits with my two little grandchildren. They are here for a week this time and we are planting my garden.
I'm in my 60's and have a full life on this farm. I live in a very upscale town where I really don't belong. Most of the men I would meet are looking for that cute young thing to dangle on their arm. I see them all over town.
The thought of having to co- mingle adult kids, grandkids, money is just more than I want to do. I'm happy just the way I am living now. Far from town and on this farm.
And there were so many times I felt alone even with him there. I might as well be alone and enjoy myself.
I am I am 7 months out and starting to live again. I know I will have bad moments but it is worth it to not
be put down constantly. I had to walk on eggs around him.
I can't say that I miss much about the X. I miss having great dental insurance, but that's about it. He was not my daughter's biological father, but he was a great "dad" to her from the time we met (she was 6 years old). Can't say that he was any better at parenting than I was when she hit the Terrible Teens, but at least we presented a consistent UNITED FRONT when it came to house rules. Kids are going to turn out however they turn out; we can really only GUIDE them. Please take into consideration what kind of trauma may have caused your dh's son to develop a problem with drugs. It's not always that they simply "chose" that route. Most chemically-dependent people are self-medicating for some deep-seated emotional issue or childhood trauma. Do your best to be KIND and COMPASSIONATE. And don't hold YOUR kids up as an example -- things can go south with them at any time you know.
xoxo
So...gotta tell you all a great story. (I'll try to keep this short.) Cowgirl...you said the ideal dh is an orphan with no children. ( I agree!) Anyway, I used to work with a woman 3 years older than me whose parents had both passed. She had never married and had no children. Her neighbor, who was a 40 year old man and lived with HIS mother fell in love with her after HIS mother passed away. He, too, had never married and had no children. They got married in Vegas 3 years ago. She was 55 at the time and he was 40 although to see them together you would never think there was a 15 year age difference. Anyway, they are BLISSFULLY happy with her 2 little dogs. Can you imagine what a peaceful life they lead??
Being their father/ daddy is a big part towards making me, me.
Very sad that they would be considered as strikes.
Sadder still that their mother didn't like that they were a priority in her/ our marriage.
Seems like a lot of women are fickle, you wNt a solid family man, as long as he doesn't have a family.
We get along perfectly when it is just us. However I think he is a little selfish and impatient when I want my kids to come over. He has never experienced a house full of people. I love it. I think that is one reason we may never get married. My kids are polite and nice but there is a lot of commotion when they are over.
So that is another reason I miss my ex. He loves the kids as much as I do. He likes when they come over and when they visit.
I'd wish for a family man with not a lot of drama in his life....like mine. :-)
Soooo...what did I get?? I single father! Which means whatever his sons do or have done all falls on HIM. His X lives 5 hours away and hasn't been a part of their lives since 1997. I told someone once I should have had my own reality show the last 10 years. The Kardashians got nothin' on ME! The drama and chaos of his sons drug use has been beyond anything I've ever dealt with. And, seriously, what man would EVER get involved with a woman with 4 daughters?? Can we say drama much?? (But, dh is the only boy in his family of 5 children, so he does know something about females.)
Like you, Giselle...dh and I get along great when it's just us. I still look forward to going home to him every day (he works out of our home). I still look at him still sleeping in the morning when I leave for work thinking how lucky am I to have found him this late in life. Only 2 strong willed people like me and dh could have survived the chaos and drama of the last 5 years. It's getting better, but when I look back...Wow.
And refurb...having kids is one thing...having kids with major issues like my dh's sons...that's another. In retrospect, I wish I would have found a man who had grown children more like my own who were on their own and stable...like mine. Hindsight is 20/20.