Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
i found this site a few days ago and i loved reading the posts and supports.. i just had to join and share what i am going through..
i was married for 20 years and known my ex for 25 years. i have been divorce for almost a year now. we had our problems but have always worked on them except for the past 2 years.. i thought i knew my ex all those years i didnt know i married a cheater.. he knew how to hide stuff..
we went to counseling last january 2012, he admitted to cheating with 4 women in the past 10 years.. i guess he felt guilty that he had to come clean.. i welcome the 2 women in my home not knowing anything.. yeah there were times i did show my jealous side but i didnt know he could betray me like that.. this has hurt me deeply.. still i try to forgive but i couldnt forget.. my ex has a prestigious job and makes good money.. he wouldnt be where he is now if it were not for me.. he moved up in a company which i help him get.. i sacrificed my career, dedicated my life for my family so he can succeed.. the more he became successful the angrier he got he thinks hes all that.. not really duh.. he belittled and bullied me thru our divorce.. and i didnt know the man i married anymore.. now come to think of it he used his position to enchant women.. he has a girlfriend now which i assumed they were seeing each other when we were still married.. i found out about it when his credit card bill came and there was a charged from a jewelry store wow!!
i thank god i have my kids with me.. without them i probably wouldnt be here.. they are my world.. i have put my kids ahead of everything.. i dont have friends to run to the only people we hang with were my his friends.. funny where are they now.. my inlaws are not there anymore either.. like they say blood is thicker than water.. i didnt have time for friends but wish i nutured the friendships i had in the past now i really do need them.. my kids are teenagers now and they will leave me someday.. i will be alone for i dont have family here my family are in another state..
i am tired of this loneliness and no matter how i try to move on i still hurt, and all i can do is cry.. they say time heals but i dont see that right now..
i was married for 20 years and known my ex for 25 years. i have been divorce for almost a year now. we had our problems but have always worked on them except for the past 2 years.. i thought i knew my ex all those years i didnt know i married a cheater.. he knew how to hide stuff..
we went to counseling last january 2012, he admitted to cheating with 4 women in the past 10 years.. i guess he felt guilty that he had to come clean.. i welcome the 2 women in my home not knowing anything.. yeah there were times i did show my jealous side but i didnt know he could betray me like that.. this has hurt me deeply.. still i try to forgive but i couldnt forget.. my ex has a prestigious job and makes good money.. he wouldnt be where he is now if it were not for me.. he moved up in a company which i help him get.. i sacrificed my career, dedicated my life for my family so he can succeed.. the more he became successful the angrier he got he thinks hes all that.. not really duh.. he belittled and bullied me thru our divorce.. and i didnt know the man i married anymore.. now come to think of it he used his position to enchant women.. he has a girlfriend now which i assumed they were seeing each other when we were still married.. i found out about it when his credit card bill came and there was a charged from a jewelry store wow!!
i thank god i have my kids with me.. without them i probably wouldnt be here.. they are my world.. i have put my kids ahead of everything.. i dont have friends to run to the only people we hang with were my his friends.. funny where are they now.. my inlaws are not there anymore either.. like they say blood is thicker than water.. i didnt have time for friends but wish i nutured the friendships i had in the past now i really do need them.. my kids are teenagers now and they will leave me someday.. i will be alone for i dont have family here my family are in another state..
i am tired of this loneliness and no matter how i try to move on i still hurt, and all i can do is cry.. they say time heals but i dont see that right now..
I can identify with a lot of what you've described. My kids are my world, too. Two of them estranged from me after the divorce but one of those is back, the other is once again in contact, though it's irregular. My son has always been there for me but lives a long way away. I don't know if I'd have made it without the new friends who came into my life after I moved out and my counsellors and present therapist. My friends during the last years of our marriage were also shared, and most of them sided with my ex (because their lives are involved with his, I suspect). I'm much happier with people who really want to be my friends, anyway :)
They do say time heals, and it does, especially if you work towards making your new life better. Believe that it will be better. Count the blessings you have now, and make a commitment to finding some new friends somehow. Take a class, join a group (quilters, hash house harriets). Exercise, eat well, read books on recovery from divorce, talk here. You will feel better. One day you'll find yourself smiling.
I found there was some connection between when I reached "I'm sick of feeling lonely, sad, angry etc" and some solution to the problem :) I suspect your loneliness is about to disappear. The hurt will take a bit longer, but that's because you loved him, and need to learn how to let him go.
I agree with the others about forgiveness. You forgive so that you can let it go, so they are free to go, but you must not forget what they did. Remember it so that you don't let it happen again, but make sure you don't ruminate about it and look for revenge or bitterness.
all the best
love and hugs
kamary
The only person that can give you a new direction, a new life ----------is YOU>
Hugs, Lucy.
I'm sorry you still feel stuck. We didn't have many friends when we were married and the ex would be suspicious of every friend I made. Like I wrote it I tried to plan something he would do something to put a monkey wrench in it. It got to were I didn't encourage friendships so I didn't have to make excuses. After the divorce I got on Meetup.com and joined some groups doing activities that sounded fun. I've made friends that way.
As far as forgiveness, it's going to be hard with him being in your life. The less contact you have the better. I'm glad to read you are taking steps to have minimum contact. I have forgiven my EX for a lot of the crap he did but when he rattles my cage it rushes back. It doesn't mean I have not forgiven, it's just natures way of sending the alarm that you are about to be taken advantage of. If you cannot afford counseling then maybe you could find some support through Al Anon or take a Divorce Care session. Al Anon is for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. They won't tell you what to do, but how to cope. He is going to be in your life for awhile longer since your son is only 16, so it may be worth looking into. They have it for teens too which might be good for your son. (((HUGS)))
I am late getting on board here (lots going on) but better late than not at all is what I say!
I'm one of the real "old-timers" here and from all the responses, I can see where some of the "not-so-old-timers" are sort of carrying the torch for me.
Moving beyond divorce IS a process and it takes time -- more for some than for others -- but it's ultimately up to the individual how well you get through the process.
I am sorry you said you couldn't afford to stay in counseling. IMO, it's the SINGLE-MOST important thing you can do for yourself when going through a major life change. Please, if you haven't done so already, check with you local Health Department for free or low-cost counseling services. Help is out there even for those with very little income. There is NO WAY I would have ever gotten through my divorce from Hell without my therapist. And I still see her for "tune-ups" as needed.
You mentioned that "we all share the same fate." I disagree with that. We all got divorced, but we all hold in our indivdual hands what it takes to create a new and much better life for ourselves. I am with the others who suggested that you GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and get doing something other than working and raising the kids. Even if you hadnt divorced, your kids were going to grow up and leave the nest one day. So better to prepare yourself for that eventuality NOW and it will be one less emotional hurdle ahead of you.
Volunteer! I found that helping others helped me as much as anything else. And there are sooo many people around who are in worse shape than we are. Reach out! If people aren't your thing, check with your local animal shelter or rescue groups. Cats and dogs and horses, too, all offer unconditional love when approached with a gentle and open mind. And there's a good reason why "animal therapy" works so well with old people and children with disabiities. Give it a try. You will be able to focus on something other than your depression about being divorced AND meet people in the process.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, my dear. I am almost 6 years post divorce after a 25-year marriage. Life isn't always easy, but this one is 1,000 times BETTER than that old one ever was -- even on its best day! xoxo
hope u r having a better day today. I'm reading all the replies to you, and this is an absolutely fantastic group, with unbelievable advice, so very inspiring. You are such a good person, and you deserve the best life has to offer you. I hope you read this and act on some of the advice people are giving you, many have been through what we are going, and just be reading these replies has given me such hope, that things will get better, we just have to act on it. Thanks CowgirlKathi I loved what you wrote to opaline8. Big hug to you opaline8!!!