Your story is somewhat like mine and I know how well an H can hide what he doesn't want his wife to know. Eventually the truth comes out and we all have decisions to make. I was married 33 years by the time I was divorced.

I understand about not having friends of your own. The ex didn't socialize with the people he worked with and we lived away from where he worked. Mine has Narcissism and feels entitled to cheat and still cause me trouble and we've been divorced for 5 years now.

Forgiving is good but that doesn't mean you forget. There are some things that can't or shouldn't be forgotten. Even though I'm divorced he still tries to cause me financial harm but I'm happy now. I live alone but I'm not lonely. There is a difference. I have family three states away but I had cut ties with them a long long time ago. So you see our lives are a lot alike. I can tell you that with more time you will get through this. You will make a new life for yourelf; one day you will wake up one morning and realize you are happier than you've been in a long time. I'm sorry you find yourself here but this is a great supportive place to be. I hope you are seeing a good therapist to help you. That's the one thing that has helped me more than anything else.

I understand your pain. It's hard to let go of what you thought you were building. Grief is different for all of us, but after a year if you aren't finding relief from your sadness, I would think it time to try something new. At our age, it is natural to feel stuck anyways, but with divorce on top of that, we can easily get sucked in even deeper.

What types of things have you done for yourself since the divorce?

Why can't you move home to where your family is? Might be good for you once the kids are in college to get out of there.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I do hope that you got a lawyer and took care of your future. Isn't it awful how men can be such liars and cheaters and it's rampant! But on another note, you are done with him. Sure it wasn't what you worked for and it hurts like hell, but it's not the end. You don't want to be with someone who would do that in the first place. You deserve better than that, and you can get better than that even if it's from yourself.

There are many of us who divorced after long marriages. Sometimes, there's a gift in it, if you can just see thorugh the hurt to it. Change is hard, but it can sometimes be worth it. You have a lot of life left to live - you just need to figure out what you want to do!

Opaline, welcome to our group and so glad you found us. I remember when I found this site - I was literally flabbergasted with the help and support that I received. I learned so much and I really felt that it was a catalyst in my recovery. Don't be shy about posting - read when you need to and reach out when you're comfortable doing so. I 'lurked' for awhile before I posted too - it can feel strange to start posting on a forum if you've never done so before.

You've been divorced a year but it sounds like the divorce followed the news about the news about your ex's affairs quite closely...which means, that it's not been that long for you! Give yourself a break honey. It takes time. You were dealt a gut-wrenching heart-breaking blow. Multiple affairs? Yikes. There are others on this site who have dealt with this - for me, it was the stbx's first affair. But one was enough!

You say you have no friends. You need support! I'm sure you're busy with your work and raising the kids but you need your own social life. Please make yourself a priority and get out there SOMEWHERE and meet people. I joined some local women's groups through meetup.com and they have been fantastic! One is just a social / coffee type group and the other is an outdoor recreation group. I've made one new good friend and LOTS of acquaintances. You can go bowling, out to dinner, take in a movie, go for a walk... anything that appeals to you AND fits into your schedule with no commitments. Check it out.

Also, please consider finding a divorce support group. My group was instrumental in my healing. I made one good friend as well. I see 'Divorce Care' mentioned here a lot...my group was just a local unaffiliated one. Many churches run groups as well (maybe Divorce Care is that? no idea).

IF you can afford therapy or are covered with benefits and qualify - GO! Most of the members here will tell you that therapy has helped them to learn coping strategies and discover their own inner strength.

There are also MANY books out there. Maybe someone on here has a list that they can share, but a few that come to mind that I've read are "The Script" (there is a subtitle but can't remember), "Runaway Husbands", "The Gift of Betrayal" (one of my faves) and "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" (the last one was the book that my support group used as a sort of 'text' to follow the healing process). No authors list, google and you will find easily enough.

Good luck. You WILL heal from this. It's good on the other side, but it's hell to get there honey. We're here to help.

I am so sorry you are in pain right now. It is different for everyone. It took me two years to recover.
Hugs

He cheated with 4 other women. Well, it stands to reason, if they can do it with you, they can do it to you. No one will ever truly trust him. I understand the pain and anxiety that you are going through now. But you will never be truly alone. You will have you as your best friend. Learn to appreciate this chance to focus on yourself. Yes, the kids will leave the nest, but they will never be that far away from your heart. I love my time alone, focusing on me for a change. It has been almost 6 years since he dared me to file. Said that I did not have the nerve to leave him. hahaha. The first two years, I was a basket case, always crying, but one day I woke up and found that the tears dried up and I was happy, happier than I have been in years. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Heads up high and smile. When you ever have the misfortune of seeing him, a nice slow smile, turn around and walk away laughing. That is what I did when I saw the ex a couple of times.
Flourishing and being happy best revenge

I don't understand what is going on in my head. I was never married to my ex. We have been on and off for 20 years, (have a child together). When we found out we were pregnant, we were very happy, talked about marriage and a life together etc.., Guess what happened, He disappeared out of my life - A phone call from thousand miles away telling me about his new girlfriend and he was calling me to tell me that "things change" and He still cared... After our daughter was born , he calls and is sorry and apologizes and wanted to be a part of his daughter 's life etc.., We reconcile at that point and things were okay on and off , more on that off, I needed time to think, he needed time to think, etc.., I was never unfaithful while I was with him even though I needed time to think.......A couple of years ago I found myself not wanting to be physical with him - I don't understand what it was/is. Have no desire to be that way with anyone else either. His work keeps him away alot and when he visited during the Holidays, he mentioned "there's big changes coming". At that point, I knew he was texting/talking with someone, he says remember so and so I told you about? Well her boyfriend did this and now she is in prison for something -and just needs someone to talk to. about a week after that -- then I find out about all the money that he should have been putting in my daughters account for graduation/prom etc.., he spent on his new girlfirend when she was in jail, then I learned he paid her phone bill, spent lots of money talking to her (like 15 bucks a phone call) then he says to me and my daughter he just didn't have the money to put in her account?
A few days go by and he doesn't return phonecalls or texts from me. When he did call he wanted to talk to me and my daughter at the same time, he then proceeds to tell me that he wasn't joking about the "big change" and wanted to make sure I was okay with it. I was (or so I thought) and told him so. After my daughter gets off the phone, he asks me how I can be so "casual". I thought that I was being honest. Couple of days go by and he calls me while he is sitting with his new girlfirend and just wants to find out how I am doing??. What the Hell is that about? He makes it a point to tell me while she is sitting there that "she" knows he will be calling me and is okay with it. I don't know I think I said something like "You call me when you aren't with her, by her on her porch, or in any close proximity of her and I will talk to you".

...A day or two later he calls and wants to know if I will talk to him for a while guess it was about an hour listening to she this she that we this we that etc.., during the conversatIon he also told me she was 2 months younger that his daughter from his first marriage,, I thought what the H am I doing listening to this??? So I decided that I wouldn't answer his texts or calls for a few days, I felt really strong, empowered etc.., Then I learn through my son (they have been kinda close over the years) that my "ex" sent him a pic of her weeks ago and asked him what he thought--My son said he would take her out, but my ex proceeded to tell my son that it was too bad because she was already engaged. Then I see her picture, she's very petite (I am not) and that was kind of a double whammy to my psyche I guess, he has always told me he preferred "full figure women".
Well -over the weekend I am out having a fun day with his mom and my daughter and he calls and says he need to get a tool from the house and I think that is okay because I am out having fun and I won't have to see him, then me and his mom go to his brother's house so their daughter can do my hair. He calls my daughter and asks if she is still with me there and a few minutes later, comes over. I didn't want to even acknowledge his presence but he forced the issue by saying "aren't you going to say HI to me???? So I say HI and BYE sarcastically of course. Then his mom wants to make sure I am okay because she thinks he is being a stupid ass and he was really rude to me- His niece and his brother's wife were civil of course but made it a point to tell me that he has always been the way he is and will never change. He is who he is. They will always be there for me and my family no matter what....
I don't know what happened to me after that---I think I am holding up so well and then I just feel like I am losing my mind, my heart hurts I don't get it. I am the one that didn't want to be physical with him - why does my stupid heart hurt so much and why am I feeling so disturbed and depressed over this thing? I went on a stupid spending spree to try and feel better - that really didn't work ---then I call him ???Then I listen to him tell me about her physical problems and her mental problems and I say what about me and what you are putting me through

me again. Someone please reply to this......

Hugs goddess...my heart goes out to you in a very big way. Your story warrants its own thread so others will see it and respond. Please copy and paste what you have written on a separate thread...create a new one and you will get the attention and advise your deserve...Big Hugs...Kathy

Goddessoflove - Dairy's right - you should post this as it's own topic. This way everymember can see it and respond with advice. Not everyone can see it here unless they walk through the whole thread of responses to Opaline8's original post.

It's horrible what your going through and my heart goes out to you.

Hi opaline8, I understand how u are feeling, and hope that you will find happiness in your life soon! I am going through the same thing, hurting so bad, and trying to understand why I am feeling like this.

I'm new to this also, I've never before participated in any blogs, but reading the posts of people going through the same thing I decided to try this. I've been separated for 1 yr and half, and this pain just doesn't seem to get any better, I have good days, but it just seems like the bad days are so bad that i feel that this just will never end. I want to get my life in a good place.

I was married for 24 years. I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage that I left because of physical abuse. The last 3 years of my marriage was a very difficult one, I found out he had cheated on me again. the first time he had been very sorry for cheating and it took years of healing, but I was able to forgive him. then a few years later, he cheated again. I still stayed in the marriage, but things had changed, he no longer was there emotionally, even though we were together, I never felt so alone. His caring for me just stopped. I remember asking him what was going on when I suspected something was wrong, he admitted that he loved me but was not in love with me..... I just couldn't accept that, but now I know it was true. I guess why I'm having a hard time, I still do love him, but I know he's not good for me, and it is the best thing for us to separate. I'm hoping that in time I will start to feel good about my life and move on, the other significant thing is that we are still living in the same house, as we are trying to sell it, so soon I hope and be able to go onto the next step in my life.

Iammine had some good suggestions, and thank you for sharing them. I will be going to a support group in April and will try to get involved in other things. I have a few friends that i talk too, and though they are very understanding and such great friends, I don't think they understand why I cant' seem to let go of my feelings.

I've only found this site a couple of days, but it feels so good that I'm not alone in feeling this way and that maybe this is normal.

thank you so much to all of you for the response and support.. you all gave me comfort last night while i was reading them.. tears falling on my face but i feel a little just a little better..
i have seen a therapist a couple a times awhile back but it was getting expensive and i couldnt afford it.. my ex cancelled my benefits right after divorce coz his work didnt cover divorce.. i wish i could see one.. i havent really done anything for me to recover i was just going thru life just being numb.. my ex has been cruel to me at times that a couple of times i blocked him on my cell and decided not to have contact at all.. but we still have to communicate about our 16 year son thru email which he is paying child support, my son sees him only every other weekend.. when he picks him up i leave the house so i dont have to see him. my son play soccer since he was little and thats one thing my ex takes him all the time coz i told him after he humiliated me one time at a soccer game i decided i will not watch the game anymore.. he found out one day that i was going to a party so i told he can just take him to the game, then he called my cell and yelled that i should just take my son to the game coz he was busy too.. i did take my son but when i got there, there he was with all his croonies and he brought his giirlfriend to the game after he told me he was busy and cant make it.. wow.. we have talked about in the past that we will not bring anybody else to my sons games.. i was so angry at him but i focus on my sons game and pretended that i was having fun but deep inside i was dying there.. why on earth do i give this man the power to hurt me.. from then on i decided to ignore him not answer emails unless it pertains to my kids.. my daughter hates him and she doesnt want to have anything to do with him but i said he is still your dad, so i encourage her to be there for her dad although he hasnt really been there for her.
there where times that my ex tried to reach out emailing me that he miss me and that he was a change man that is hard to believe that but he said he was.. in my mind yeah right.. so i felt guilty i unblock him on my text and he started texting me.. i thought for a while there we were communicating good but boy was i wrong.. he started texting me when he is drunk.. he also have a history of alcholism his family are all that way.. he admitted to me he is an alchoholic and that brought to his cheating.. a few times he texted me pictures of his private parts.. saying "cum fuck".. i would ignore these then the next day he would appologize and say he was drunk.. yeah sure blame it on the booze.. not buying it.. its been like this for a fews months and i blocked him again on my texting..
i was really feeling low and hated myself for still having feelings for this douche.. i have ignored.. now he finally stop texting me when he is drunk.. theres more but i think i need to stop here for now..
thank you all for letting me vent..

You have described pretty much the profile and character patterns of a Narcissists who is serially dependent on sexual validations and exploitation. This type of permanently flawed person is not ever interested in authentic relationships, EVER. It is not part of their repertoire. That is why they constantly end up betraying/hurting their women during the course of their career.

Having knowledge of a thing is your first step, but this is not the last step you are required to take of the journey of recovery. Listen hon, I can't tell you how many zillion times I've told myself " I know he is this and that" ! The actual "letting go" might be in conflict with some BELIEF somewhere hidden in your core that still regard him as a "prize". Your next step is to get rid of that fantasy and replace it with the real ugly truth. The suggested book "The Gift of Betrayal" will do you justice.

thank you tobywinn.. believe me i have tried so many times to just let go and just stop this roller coaster i have been on.. i have unfortunately fallen in this depression again.. i know he is not worth it, i have come to accept the reality of it all.. it is just taking me awhile to get there.. again thanks for your response..

The icon you used to sign on says it all. Finding new friend, interest and the new you may help you let him go. Hugs