Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Do I owe my ex an explanation or a phone call for anything that is going on in my kids' lives that they have confided in me?
My daughter is 21. She's not a fan of her dad right now because of what he did.
My son sees his dad but it's for superficial stuff like the movies and a meal.
Am I supposed to tell him everything? Nothing? My attorney and therapist both recommended as limited contact as possible. My STBX becomes very hostile and aggressive over anything and everything. (Nice. Because he is the cheater and the one who left us. I didn't kick him out. Pathetic of me I know, but I digress.)
I just don't know what I have to tell him.
For example, I have the medical insurance. My daughter had a health scare but it turned out to be nothing. I did not tell him, I just took care of it. I told her to tell him if she wants, but she doesn't.
My son got in some trouble, but as his dad has completely removed himself from that part of our lives, I just handled it. It was no big deal and everything is fine. (It had to do with his girlfriend and a curfew. Nothing major. My son and I have always been able to talk things out whereas his dad is a screamer/ curser/ crazy angry person over small and big things. So much so you often can't tell whether the situation is small or big.)
Do I alert him to everything? Nothing?
If one of them were in a wreck, needed to go to the hospital, or were failing out, I would let him know.
But he literally took off for the sunset with his proverbial "prom queen" and left me with the day to day care of our kids. (Housing them, feeding them, taking them to the doctor and the dentist, drying their tears, etc.) He doesn't call them every day. He doesn't see them more than once a week if that. He doesn't do any parenting when he sees them: movie, dinner, mini golf, ice cream.
So the question remains. How much do I owe him? One friend says I owe him everything right down to the smallest detail. Most say I owe him only if it turns out to be a serious matter.
I have an over established sense of guilt, so I'd like others to weigh in.
I freely admit that normally I might have shared most of this with him when we were a family, but now I am terrified of him (not physically- it just that every interaction is painful to me and causes aggression on his part.)
So do I swallow my fears and tell him everything or continue with my attitude that they can share the smaller stuff if they want to and that I'll call him in life threatening situations?
Thanks.
My daughter is 21. She's not a fan of her dad right now because of what he did.
My son sees his dad but it's for superficial stuff like the movies and a meal.
Am I supposed to tell him everything? Nothing? My attorney and therapist both recommended as limited contact as possible. My STBX becomes very hostile and aggressive over anything and everything. (Nice. Because he is the cheater and the one who left us. I didn't kick him out. Pathetic of me I know, but I digress.)
I just don't know what I have to tell him.
For example, I have the medical insurance. My daughter had a health scare but it turned out to be nothing. I did not tell him, I just took care of it. I told her to tell him if she wants, but she doesn't.
My son got in some trouble, but as his dad has completely removed himself from that part of our lives, I just handled it. It was no big deal and everything is fine. (It had to do with his girlfriend and a curfew. Nothing major. My son and I have always been able to talk things out whereas his dad is a screamer/ curser/ crazy angry person over small and big things. So much so you often can't tell whether the situation is small or big.)
Do I alert him to everything? Nothing?
If one of them were in a wreck, needed to go to the hospital, or were failing out, I would let him know.
But he literally took off for the sunset with his proverbial "prom queen" and left me with the day to day care of our kids. (Housing them, feeding them, taking them to the doctor and the dentist, drying their tears, etc.) He doesn't call them every day. He doesn't see them more than once a week if that. He doesn't do any parenting when he sees them: movie, dinner, mini golf, ice cream.
So the question remains. How much do I owe him? One friend says I owe him everything right down to the smallest detail. Most say I owe him only if it turns out to be a serious matter.
I have an over established sense of guilt, so I'd like others to weigh in.
I freely admit that normally I might have shared most of this with him when we were a family, but now I am terrified of him (not physically- it just that every interaction is painful to me and causes aggression on his part.)
So do I swallow my fears and tell him everything or continue with my attitude that they can share the smaller stuff if they want to and that I'll call him in life threatening situations?
Thanks.
The only time I EVER called the ex was when one of our daughters landed in jail for possession (2012). I felt he should know as I figured my daughter wouldn't tell him. I refused to bail her out and felt he should know. He followed suit and didn't bail her out either. BUT, the next day, he texted me asking if I'd heard from her. (I hadn't.) THEN, he texted me that he certainly expected that I would do my fair share in helping her (financially...like pay for a lawyer). As he was always the breadwinner, I responded by telling HIM that I expected that just as he bailed out our 2nd daughter twice due to DUIs, he had to be fair and do the same for this one. I didn't hear from him again. Lesson learned. NEVER AGAIN will I communicate with that man. Thank GOD all our kids are now out of college and on their own!
He is responsible for his with them.
I too would let my ex know of anything dangerous, critical or of import, but your kids are old enough to decide whether they wish to engage with him and how much, or how little. Not your concern, not your business.
Stay strong, keep healing, and know you owe him nothing! Keep working on you and let him deal with his own messes.
If there is an emergency, I guess a text would be in order but even then it depends on the emergency. Anything non-life threatening is up to tell him about. Like I always like to say where the ex is concerned "Not my circus, not my monkeys!"
No contact is the absolute best way to deal with the disordered. He cheated and left so he falls into that category. It keeps the drama way down and speeds up the healing process.
Hugs to you.
ilostitinthedivorce.com
Your kids are old enough to keep dad posted. It's not your job.
I owe him NOTHING especially since he's now engaged to OW. I'm in process of changing my name back and told kids that I loved him and our life, but he is no longer a part of me when he choose to leave. It's up to them to communicate with him. I have been NC for at least 2 years.
He just recently text me about our D college bill.... I made a brief explanation and said that he needed to communicate with her in all future matters. I was nice but in all ways lead it to leave me alone.
I really have no need to see or speak to him ever again.
I could not go a day with talking to my kids, his lose, big time...
I don't talk about the kids to my husband at all. Being a 'go between' is bound to cause miscommunication and misunderstandings that could end up hurting someone.
Lecture over......
Since I moved out, I have only shared one thing with my ex about one of my kids. I thought it was best for my child if my ex was aware of what was happening in his/her life just in case. I asked him to help me keep a better eye on what was going on. A case of two sets of eyes are better than one. Other than that, I don't tell him anything.
Our lives are separate now. Our kids are adults. Maybe it's different if you have younger kids who are moving in and out of both houses.
love and hugs
kamary
Save your energy and power for what's to come and stop worrying about the small stuff.
Worrying works - 90% of what I worry about DOESN'T happen ha ha ha :)