Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I was just observing an interaction I had with a male friend. I was very vulnerable. Clearly, feeling rejected, unwanted and basically, don't know if life can ever be the same again. But I noticed that I felt very comfortable with him, so I let my guard down. I was so appreciative of his niceness. For one split second, I thought wow, what a great guy. I was thinking about this. When we are vulnerable, have problems with ourselves, we really are ripe for an affair. Now my friend is reasonably attractive, nice, kind decent human being but certainly not someone I would have thought to spend time with. But it was so nice to feel nice and to have someone be kind. I realized some very important things:
1)Affairs are not about us, the betrayed spouse. It is about the cheater. THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING IN THEM.
2)You can deeply love someone else and be attracted to and start an affair because there is something missing in you.
3)The affair partners are actually not necessarily special. There has to be a spark. Surely, they are attractive; funny and someone that our spouses would have been drawn to. But when you are vulnerable, you are not yourself so you may pick someone who usually you wont' be interested in. I wonder if this is often so shocking when we find out who the OW/OM is. We are better than them in most ways. But again, it's not about us; it's about what is missing in the cheater.
This is very humbling and sobering. It, in many ways, means we can't stop our spouses from hurting us. Just about anyone is vulnerable. But, I comfort myself knowing CHEATING IS A CHOICE. in the end, there are consequences to actions.
I have no doubt that my stbx loves me and will always love me. But it wasn't enough to stop him from self-destructing. It might be his narcissistic personality, sense of entitlement , midlife crisis, whatever.
At the end of the day, we are all very vulnerable. It's our choice to not cheat and to stick to our commitment that is key. I am shattered that my stbx was such a weak man. He destroyed many lives, including his own, with his actions. He has broken me in ways I am yet to come to grips with.
1)Affairs are not about us, the betrayed spouse. It is about the cheater. THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING IN THEM.
2)You can deeply love someone else and be attracted to and start an affair because there is something missing in you.
3)The affair partners are actually not necessarily special. There has to be a spark. Surely, they are attractive; funny and someone that our spouses would have been drawn to. But when you are vulnerable, you are not yourself so you may pick someone who usually you wont' be interested in. I wonder if this is often so shocking when we find out who the OW/OM is. We are better than them in most ways. But again, it's not about us; it's about what is missing in the cheater.
This is very humbling and sobering. It, in many ways, means we can't stop our spouses from hurting us. Just about anyone is vulnerable. But, I comfort myself knowing CHEATING IS A CHOICE. in the end, there are consequences to actions.
I have no doubt that my stbx loves me and will always love me. But it wasn't enough to stop him from self-destructing. It might be his narcissistic personality, sense of entitlement , midlife crisis, whatever.
At the end of the day, we are all very vulnerable. It's our choice to not cheat and to stick to our commitment that is key. I am shattered that my stbx was such a weak man. He destroyed many lives, including his own, with his actions. He has broken me in ways I am yet to come to grips with.
The ex never wanted children but he has three that I know about. He left the only son I know about down in the Philippines. The ex followed in his father's footsteps. I found the ex's cheating pattern during the divorce. So many women. None of it was their fault.
It took many years to realize just how sick and evil the ex is. He was good at hiding what he didn't want me to know. He wssn't violent like his father. I don't automatically trust the people I meet. They have to earn that trust and I thought the ex could be trusted.
Our daughter has started showing some Narisstic tendencies. She will never be like her father. From what I have learned there is the idea that Narcissism is past from one generation to the next.
Every morning I wake up, I feel desolate. It takes about a second to remember what my life is now. The pain and trauma I carry is because a selfish man made the choice to not honor me. I was thinking he didn't send in the final changes for the settlement but he sent an email saying he will get to it soon. The reasons are simple and crushing: he's planning on meeting her family for Thanksgiving; they are preparing for his first child (with her) or he's moving to New Jersey to be closer to her or he's buying a new car. I have a choice now. But I will get down on my knees and pray to the lord for mercy and strength. That man will not break me. I already had a gift today: my beautiful wonderful angel of a nephew crawled into my lap and gave me kisses and hugs. He loves me. I remind myself. I can't be that bad if an innocent child loves me.
Cheating is a choice and there are consequences. too bad we are the collateral damage.
Choose to honour yourself. Be kind to yourself. Say good things to yourself about you. Take care of your body, mind and spirit.
When someone chooses to treat you badly, it is NOT a reflection on you. It is HIS bad, not yours.
There are other people out there who will love you. Look at your adorable nephew, and the family which is rallying around you. We all love you here at DS already, and we want the best for you, too.
Don't give him any more power. Take back your power and stand tall. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
love and hugs
kamary
the changes in the way you are talking.
I know when I was younger I did not realize how the family of my stbx would affect him and then in turn me.
He did not cheat but he was an absolute control freak. Now I suspect his father was the same with his
mother. He had over the years dropped little hints about how his Dad treated his Mom. But the fact that
he said he loved them so much and seemed to care about them sure fooled me. They say a man that
loves and treats his mother well will treat his wife well. Not. There must have been something I did not
see in him. But I know I did the best I could in the marriage and I forgive myself for staying so long.
Keep up the good work PU I am so proud to know you.
Hugs Dee
Anyway, again, looking for reasons and excuses of why they cheated seems irrelevant and seems like too much time spent focusing on them, and less on ourselves now that we know we have to move on and heal and find a new happiness in our lives. but, I do know that I spent many many hours seeking those answers to his infidelity early on too. The bottom line is, no matter how they were raised, or who hurt them in life, their is still no excuse to cheat.
those of us on this site, I think did what we could to salvage and maintain our marriages and hopefully we can all hold our heads up high and move forward knowing that. And TRUST that there are other good people in the world who do respect marriage vows. I believe it.
My only thought now is what my adult daughters think of their father knowing he cheated. I know for a fact they believe in the "me" first mentality, so don't think their father was wrong in divorcing me. He gave them the line of how he had changed, I had not and that we had "grown apart". I put myself in their shoes and, although, I would still love my father obviously, had mine cheated on MY mother, but, I certainly would have lost respect for him for having such low morals and values. My daughters and I obviously have never discussed it and probably never will.