Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I was just observing an interaction I had with a male friend. I was very vulnerable. Clearly, feeling rejected, unwanted and basically, don't know if life can ever be the same again. But I noticed that I felt very comfortable with him, so I let my guard down. I was so appreciative of his niceness. For one split second, I thought wow, what a great guy. I was thinking about this. When we are vulnerable, have problems with ourselves, we really are ripe for an affair. Now my friend is reasonably attractive, nice, kind decent human being but certainly not someone I would have thought to spend time with. But it was so nice to feel nice and to have someone be kind. I realized some very important things:
1)Affairs are not about us, the betrayed spouse. It is about the cheater. THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING IN THEM.
2)You can deeply love someone else and be attracted to and start an affair because there is something missing in you.
3)The affair partners are actually not necessarily special. There has to be a spark. Surely, they are attractive; funny and someone that our spouses would have been drawn to. But when you are vulnerable, you are not yourself so you may pick someone who usually you wont' be interested in. I wonder if this is often so shocking when we find out who the OW/OM is. We are better than them in most ways. But again, it's not about us; it's about what is missing in the cheater.
This is very humbling and sobering. It, in many ways, means we can't stop our spouses from hurting us. Just about anyone is vulnerable. But, I comfort myself knowing CHEATING IS A CHOICE. in the end, there are consequences to actions.
I have no doubt that my stbx loves me and will always love me. But it wasn't enough to stop him from self-destructing. It might be his narcissistic personality, sense of entitlement , midlife crisis, whatever.
At the end of the day, we are all very vulnerable. It's our choice to not cheat and to stick to our commitment that is key. I am shattered that my stbx was such a weak man. He destroyed many lives, including his own, with his actions. He has broken me in ways I am yet to come to grips with.
1)Affairs are not about us, the betrayed spouse. It is about the cheater. THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING IN THEM.
2)You can deeply love someone else and be attracted to and start an affair because there is something missing in you.
3)The affair partners are actually not necessarily special. There has to be a spark. Surely, they are attractive; funny and someone that our spouses would have been drawn to. But when you are vulnerable, you are not yourself so you may pick someone who usually you wont' be interested in. I wonder if this is often so shocking when we find out who the OW/OM is. We are better than them in most ways. But again, it's not about us; it's about what is missing in the cheater.
This is very humbling and sobering. It, in many ways, means we can't stop our spouses from hurting us. Just about anyone is vulnerable. But, I comfort myself knowing CHEATING IS A CHOICE. in the end, there are consequences to actions.
I have no doubt that my stbx loves me and will always love me. But it wasn't enough to stop him from self-destructing. It might be his narcissistic personality, sense of entitlement , midlife crisis, whatever.
At the end of the day, we are all very vulnerable. It's our choice to not cheat and to stick to our commitment that is key. I am shattered that my stbx was such a weak man. He destroyed many lives, including his own, with his actions. He has broken me in ways I am yet to come to grips with.
And you are right, even if someome has a weakness or a vulnerability, they still can choose the high road. They can still chosse to say NO!!!!
And NEVER should the spouse who is left take ANY responsibility for their ex's poor choice and immorality. I know I don't! And, along with that, I take great pride in the fact that I never lowered myself to his standards and kept my high morals and values.
I may be wrong on both counts, but I think what's missing in those who have long-term affairs is commitment, and I also think they are unable to communicate well. I have a feeling that the reason my ex was the way he was, was because he couldn't/wouldn't talk about things. If I brought up an issue, he would either change the subject entirely or he would switch it around so that I was the one with the problem. He just didn't seem to be able to look at himself. He seemed to be always running, and I think he was running from himself. Maybe he could hide himself for a while in new relationships?
love and hugs
kamary
the nurturing of the seed lies within
cheaters is a sense do not cheat, they just reveal the truth about themselves
and I agree,refurb. I guess the way in which they act is just a final reveal of who they are. Many of these qualities were shown throughout the years but it just really amped up with me. It helped that he had a backup plan with a backup life.
Good questions, but there is not a doubt in my mind that my ex has absolutely no remorse or regrets. His only thoughts were of himself and his own happiness.
And, what Kamary said about "runners" fit my ex to a tee. He couldn't communicate and when I tried to discuss our marriage, he'd just tell me I was making "a mountain out of a molehill" or was "looking for trouble where there wasn't any". And yes...he was a runner...ran and stayed in his place of comfort...work and ran right into the arms of one of his managers. They had an affair for 6 years and he married her 4 months after our divorce was finalized. They have now been married for 6 years and looked perfectly happy at my daughter's wedding. Remorse?? Hardly.
How nice for people like him who care more about themselves than how their actions effected others. As my own father said to me during my divorce, "I may not have always been happy in my marriage, but I ALWAYS put you kids and your mother first." Where did men like my father go?
And, refurb...you are so right...it is in their leaving that they reveal their true selves and it was that that helped me fall out of love with my ex. He absolutely was not the man I married and noone I cared to have in my life.
As a fact, an article I read explained "sinners" typically will display behaviors of HIDING themselves and will make great effort to hide their nasty deed. So yeah, cheaters will clam up and not want to communicate for fear of being disclosed. They know nobody LIKES faulty character....it's the rule. So their opposing silence naturally is NOT going to be conducive for most relationships. Cheaters want to set up AVOIDANCES of having little interaction with you. The dynamic will set you up often trying to guess what their infant like mind is effectively meaning. Cheaters are often referred as immature. Unfortunately, the biological age of a person has nothing to do with maturity. So yeah refurb is right. Their leaving reveals their true selves in that your ex did not share the same marital values. Good riddance.
I hope to convince you, no one breaks you unless you give them permission. Seems to me you are coming to grips with your re-learned freedom of saying "NO" !!!
If it weren't, it would have been about US, WE, YOU and I, not the ME, MYSELF and I of the true narcissist. If it were about us, we, you and I, they wouldn't have chosen to cheat, they would have chosen to work on us.
There's still no guarantee it would have worked out, there are marriages that end, sadly, but honorably, before the parties move on to other people, into other beds.
But that's not how narcissists do things. They line up the next co-dependent, caretaking, cook, bedmate, soul and ego stroking, salary providing, sugar mommy or daddy, fouling their nest before bailing. Got to make sure there's someone to change their diapers and wipe their noses before they pack their peanut butter sandwiches and head down the road. Toby's right, it's a very infantile and immature selfishness. Amazing to me that people like this do so well in the world, but they do. God help us all.
Still doesn't know why both her sons grew up to be addicts. Nearly bite my tongue in two every time she wonders why out loud.
It surely taught me how NOT to speak about my ex to our son! Praying I broke the cycle with that one.
Most of our ex's dysfunctions are not suddenly developed... one usually have seen the tip of the iceberg. The dysfunction get better, refined, and progressive with time. Even the best are fooled, but not for long.
Generational curses and patterns can be stopped. There are NUMEROUS other avenues of resources available for children missing a parent getting proper healthy emotional/mental mentoring: Big Boy club, Girl Scouts to name a few.
My ex never knew his paternal grandparents. There are lots of scary stories about the grandfather. His grandfather is said to have boarded all windows and doors and set a house alight with his wife and two children in it! Nothing was ever proven. That man then married my ex's grandmother and walked out on the family when my exFIL was 4yo. They know now that my ex FIL was in hospital beside his own father at one stage but the father never revealed his identity. He had changed his name and remarried.
There are also scary stories about his maternal grandfather.
I guess my ex couldn't escape the generational curse.