Dear positive,
I am so very sorry to hear you are facing a divorce. Just remember, you are not broken, your relationship with your husband is. And from your short description, it appears you have been alone for a long time. No one should be in an emotionally abusive relationship. It is exhausting and futile. From your name, you seem to be looking to a better future, keep your chin up, imagine your new life....one where you are valued and uplifted...it will happen. There is a wonderful life after divorce.
Hugs to you
Warmly, Phoenix

Have you tried counseling? It's important to think this through before you act. 30+ years is a long time. It's natural for complacency and irritation of habit to set in. But, you need to be prepared for what awaits you on the other side of divorce. I don't believe most people do.

(((HUGS))) Hello, welcome. Sorry you have to be here.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your support! Sorry this is a bit long!

Yes, we have tried counseling, (individually in the past) and it has worked. I don't know why we haven't tried it together. At his point I am just so fed up. I haven't filed for divorce yet, but I can't see staying in this relationship for the rest of my life. We have separated before but we end up working things out, (because we do love each other very much), and we do get along for awhile, but it takes lots of work, and he did change for the better in some ways after some therapy, but there are still major issues.

After talking to one our our mutual friends last night, a male who works with my husband, I realize my husband treats all his friends in a similar way and it hurts them. At least knowing this makes me feel better that it's not just me. My husband doesn't keep promises or show up at his friends houses when he says he is coming over. He doesn't call, he just doesn't show up and doesn't think it's a problem. Not every time, but at least 1 in every 10 times. His work friend is a bit hurt over him not showing up (at least a dozen times) over the last 2 years. And husband's former best friend (of 25 years) was drinking on a Friday night approx. 2 years ago while they were together at his home. Well his friend had some very repressed anger related to my husband not showing and not calling a number of times over the last 25 years and I guess that on one particular occasion, about 10 years ago, this friend had made my husband a big expensive dinner, (they both cook) and used to hang out on Friday's and play video games, have a few drinks and alternate cooking gourmet meals. Well his friend was drinking energy drinks after drinking lots of hard liquor and ended up grabbing my husband around the neck and shoulder and squeezing as hard as he could and then punched him in the arm. This was for not showing up on that occasion he said and for all the times you didn't show up. My husband spend months in physical therapy and has never spoken to him again. As wrong as he was to physically hurt him, I have come to realize the hurt he must have felt and kept repressed for so long. But my husband just doesn't get it, I don't know why. It seems selfish to me, inconsiderate, etc. But why? Why would someone behave like this? He is very stubborn and inflexible and when he is in the mood to do something, he will do it and that is all that seems to matter, he doesn't care how others are affected and doesn't seem to care. Sunday was our anniversary and he got up early, went out to the store, and when I woke up he was coming in the door. Well (my fault) for being a woman I guess, but I believed that he must have gone out to buy me a card and or flowers to surprise me, but no, he went out to buy steak and shrimp for him to BBQ, (for us), because that's what he wanted. He never asked what I wanted. I didn't get upset, I didn't yell, but I looked a bit sad because I had mistakenly thought I was getting flowers and was excited that he was so thoughtful. A few minutes later, noticing I was a bit sad, he said what would make you happy? And I smiled a bit and said " a flower", and he said "well I didn't think of buying you any, I thought since it was Easter they might have been too expensive, (like Valentines day) and I said "Ok, maybe you can just pick me one from outside", and he said, "they are dead from the frost" and I said "well maybe you can just draw me one", (we both have note cards and markers in our home offices), and when he is in the mood (which is rare) he will make me some really beautiful drawings, so he went into his office and drew a hill with mud on the top, and a sun, and then wrote Happy Anniversary in red permanent marker on the top. I tried to appreciate it but I ended up crying because I asked for a flower and I was so hurt that he couldn't even draw one! This seems to be his way---I ask for something and I get something else. It's almost like he wants to frustrate me, but I also think he just wants to do what he wants when he wants to do it and he doesn't care at all what anyone else wants. He also has a habit of buying me what he wants or what he decides he wants to buy me and doesn't seem interested in asking me or finding out what I want. A few weeks ago I said maybe we need to take a vacation and the first thing he said was that he wanted to go deep sea fishing. I then mentioned that I thought he was going to suggest something that we both wanted to do, and he said but that is what I really want to do. And then he said that if we go on vacation we will just argue and it will be stressful, so no vacation. He also makes what he wants to make for dinner many times without asking me what I am in the mood for and then gets upset I don't want it. We argue at least every 4-8 days now and I just don't want to spend the rest of my life like this anymore. We take 2 steps forward and then 2 steps backward and we never progress to the point of healthy and happy for very long. And I am a good wife, not perfect, but many of his friends constantly tell him how lucky he is and that he better never lose me. On some days he will call and leave messages about how much he loves me and appreciates me and praises me, and then on other days, he is completely thoughtless, stubborn and self-involved etc. I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster ride never knowing which one of his personalities to expect. This morning he woke my up blowing his nose really loud and when I told him he woke me up out of a sound sleep, he said he needed to blow his nose and didn't think about it waking me. It's little inconsiderate things all day that drive me crazy as well as his selfishness on most all special occasion. I could go on and on with similar painful experiences, most much much more painful. He has had issues with passive aggressiveness and I'm starting to think he may be a bit bi-polar and a narcissist. I have spend soooo much of my life, time and energy trying to make him happy and to make our marriage work. Unfortunately that became my primary goal instead of my own self-fulfillment which I am working on in the present. He also never initiates anything to try to make our marriage work, but he will agree to whatever I suggest, counseling etc., because I believe, when he thinks he may lose me he goes into a self-protective mode. But then after a week or so he sabotages our efforts again and again, and it's frustrating and disappointing. In my mind it seems like the most sensible thing to do at this point to give up and to remain friends. Hopefully, (eventually), I will find someone I can be happy with, without all this madness.

Sorry hun. I hear what you are saying and I've been in your shoes....making my needs/wants known and him falling short. Most of the time on purpose. He said I was being controlling and that he should do what he feels like doing otherwise its not a gesture of love. It's all a long story so I wont get into it. He does have a point. I think the gesture of cooking for you both, having a dinner which would most likely cost over $100 if you ate out is an expression of love. Have you ever read the 5 love languages? perhaps you should look it up. It's a short read. (((HUGS)))

oh I hear you. I am in the same boat and soon to be out of it. I found alot of solace in a book by Daphne Rose Kingma. It's called Why Relationships End. It really helped me understand that some marriages just run their course and some need you had when you married was full filled. But you are a different person and things need to change. Like you, I tried everything. My husband is also self absorbed and unable to accept any personal responsibility for the failure of the marriage- although, he says its the greatest failure of his life, he never made any attempt to change or at least meet me halfway. He just felt that if I was unhappy with him the way he was then I should get out. I never wanted to change who he was, I just wanted him to try and understand how I felt. He unfortunately gave no credibility to the way I felt. Hang in there.. you will cry a lot and it's going to be so painful. Read as much as you can- and get a good therapist.

Hi and welcome here, PositiveFuture. My ex did much the same sort of thing. He lived his life the way he wanted and it didn't seem to matter what I wanted after a while. He also did the "talk, tears and promise" trick which would last at max three weeks. Eventually, I realised that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life feeling lonely inside what should ideally have been a mutually satisfying and loving relationship. I made the right choice. I'm so much happier now.

Be sure that divorce is really what you want. Be sure you've tried everything you can think of. And see a therapist before you tell him what you've decided, just to be sure it is what you really want.

love and hugs
kamary

Positivefuture, I like your username...says a lot!

If you're fed up, you've tried and tried, he's not responsive, the marriage is NOT getting any better, then......it's likely over. Maybe has been for a long time. He knows it too.

Have the frank discussion that needs to happen and take action asap to protect your finances just in case he gets angry and seeks to 'punish' you by playing some nasty games with your shared finances.

It's the strangest thing, but so many of us just don't believe that our ex's or stbx's would ever rip us off or do something illegal or immoral relative to shared finances and resources. But it happens ALL the time.

You said he has behavioural problems, is maybe a narcissist. He will likely BLAME you for the end of the marriage, and this may make him angry and possibly result in him depleting your finances for example.

Just be careful. I know it's hard, and you're going through a terrible, emotional time facing the end of your long relationship, but don't lose perspective on what steps you need to take to protect yourself......after all, you DO want to ensure that you have the "positive future" that you named yourself after, right? :) Good luck, and welcome to our group.

Your situation reminds me of a story of a woman who reluctantly accepted a 2 ct solitary diamond ring given by her man because SHE did not select it. Although it is inherently a loving gesture on his part, the woman's snootiest caught my attention. So the moral of the story is: at least fake an appreciation if needed!!

For the most part, men vs. women maintain separate individuality while our unique gifts and skills serve as a complement for the marriage. Marital servitude requires freedom of the person to make choices but YOUR insisting to be served your WAY, or the highway , is dictatorship. My case in point, despite he serves you but it's not what YOU wanted. He buys food but it's not food YOU wanted. He cooks dinner but it's not what YOU wanted. Is there something wrong with steak and shrimp? Oh, I forgot, he didn't ask YOU, so that ascribes him as being insensitive. ..really? Where I'm from, either you put on a smile and eat what is served or you fend for yourself elsewhere. Nobody would feel bad about your feelings whether you liked it or not! You'll learn , there is nothing stopping You from volunteering your preference in some form of communication. That's is what SPEECH is for.

In seriousness, sulking, brooding, obnoxious, and snooty remarks " just draw me a flower", and/or "just pick me a flower from outside" pushes people away. Attention about some friend of your husband that doesn't amount to any significant life value and blowing his nose too loud that woke you up is insanity! If you want to use this as option for getting out of your marriage, go right ahead.

Toby, I think your reply to our new member is a little harsh. We were all new to this forum at one time, and I remember well enough how hard it was to try to introduce myself and 'tell' my story - wondering all the time how on earth does one encapsulate the story of a marriage in a few paragraphs?! Afraid of being judged.

Perhaps the examples provided by PositiveFuture of how her spouse makes her unhappy don't resonate with you, but that doesn't mean it's not real (for her) or there isn't 'more to the story' so to speak. It can be difficult to 'present' the nuances of a marital disagreement - so much so that I might even suggest that often only the two involved don't even fully understand!

I suggest we keep an open mind and present a front of support to new members - there's lots of time for reality checks in the future. The separation and divorce process has a way of taking care of THAT!

First, I will say welcome to DS. Whatever you decide to do, you will get lots of advice and support here.

I lived with a verbal/emotional abuser for 27 years before I kicked his cheating ass to the curb. In that time, I felt as you did--unappreciated and unloved. My ex was also self-absorbed and could be very selfish. When you wrote about the card, I thought of many birthdays and Christmases where my ex just wouldn't make any type of effort, but expected me to go all out for him. Still, I probably wouldn't have divorced him for this stuff; it was the cheating that finally tipped the scale for me.

That being said, I get where you're coming from, but I would advise you to continue with your counseling and make sure this is what you want. Sometimes in our anger and frustration, we may say, "I want a divorce; I can't take it anymore," but sometimes you trade one difficult situation for another. Divorce is no walk in the park and can be quite stressful. I am not saying don't get a divorce; all I am advising is just make sure you've searched your soul, talked to a counselor, and can walk away saying, "I did everything I could."

Sending you hugs of support.

For the almost ten years the ex was overseas all I asked of him was save some time for just the two of us to go out to eat. It didn't have to be fancy or even a sit down restaurant. He couldn't allow time for that one small thing.There are things in a marriage that seem so unimportant or petty. But when they build up for years they are a problem.

Those little things that outsiders don't see that say you aren't cherished, you aren't important. I think positive could very well be married to a Narcissist. On the outside I was in the picture perfect marriage but I know I wasn't loved.

You can't judge a book by its cover and the same can be said about marriage. Its those little slights and unkind actions that can hurt worse than words.

You are correct Iammine, I had needed that "kick in the pants" to tone it down a bit. My bluntness can be harsh and I do apologize for my premature reality check with 1st time newbies.

Looking for justifications for a divorce can vary from very insignificant small matters to huge matters, I get that! Chopping and nipping down a spouse who doesn't give you the time of the day, doesn't quite work either. For certain, whatever is not happening, is not working.

As a fact, Hurtin's preceding post expresses very nicely the message I had intended to convey. As suggested, exploring one's reasons is in order with a counselor.

Toby,
I have a great deal of respect for you because you took responsibility for your tone and apologized rather than being defensive. Not a lot of people do that.

While some of your responses are blunt you often tell the real truth about a situation. To me you seem to be the "devil's advocate" and present another side. That can be very enlightening when someone is so confused. You say it "like it is" without sugar-coating your words. You definitely make a difference to those of us who are new to this and it is appreciated even though your thoughts are not always easy to hear.

I am glad that you decided to tone it down a bit but please continue to be honest.
Hugs,
Donna

Toby, I feel the same as Donna.

love and hugs
kamary