I think he's trying too hard to hurt you any way he can. Do your best to stay immune to his torment. IF you can ignore him do so. Ignoring what he does or says is to your benefit. He supposedly loved you once and most likely still does. Now though his love seems to be directed towards hurting you. Be strong girl, don't worry about what he is doing. Worry about yourself. The time will come again when you will find you. People are strange indeed. Also, remember that he did not create you. GOD did.

He can invite whomever he wants. The real question is WHY would YOUR FAMILY want to go to anything that HE is putting on? If they "have no respect for him" WHY would they accept an invitation of any kind from him?

I don't think he's trying to hurt me intentionally. I think he's trying to prove a point or make the mature move to show how this can still all work even though he made his decision to end the marriage and move on with someone else. Our families always got along and we always had large gathering together. I think he's saying see look how we can all be friends again. My family (I'm hoping) wont go and will politely decline the offer. They are too good of people to say anything to stir the pot. But honestly, am I just being a petty teenager that I shouldn't be reacting to this? Am I missing something? We were separated 8 months. A month after we brought our daughter home from hospital. He treated me like a stranger and with no respect or disregard for me. We've been divorced almost a year and half (can't believe it) and I haven't seen him since the court final signing. He doesn't talk or communicate and I haven't with him. I did reach out to update him on our family dog and all it did was set me back. I find it hard to believe he would Actually think to do something like this. I once asked him when he picked my son up who was living at my parents house while home for summer from college how he could even look my parents in the eye and carry on as if nothing happened. He said he still respects them and Lways has. Really? But they don't of him! Even when they met with him to while we were separated to try to talk things through with him he denied being with OW and said he could date who ever he wanted if that's what he chose to do. He had made his decision and was standing firm. Never mentioning he was seeing someone else till after the divorce and even then denied. But he recently came out and told me he was with her Ater I had proof of his out of town adventures. Maybe he is trying to hurt me on some subconscious level. He just thinks what our families went through should just roll over be what it is. Am I being too childish about this? I refuse to see him when I go back home Nd I don't want to see his family. They don't believe he has done Anything "wrong" and I am the villan in all this. Argh. I'm nor angry just so sad and dissapointed his choice has created such termoil amongst something that was so wonderful...family.

Personally, I don't think he is doing this to "intentionally hurt" you. But for you to even think that is a pretty clear indication that you are NOT yet healed from the betrayal. That is understandable. And I see no reason why YOU should feel compelled to attend this little gathering if you know it's going to upset you.

On the flip side of that, you need to PREPARE YOURSELF for the fact that members of your family MAY ATTEND. That will be the hard thing for you. It would be petty and childish for you to raise a stink with them about it. I would hope that they share your feelings and opinions about your X and make the decision NOT to attend. But they might go the other way.

No one (I repeat: NO ONE) is ever going to see this situation the way you do unless they have been through it themselves. You are about to learn about family loyalty and it's not always a happy lesson.

If these strong feelings you have persist much longer, then I would strongly recommend that you talk with a counselor or therapist about them. If you have been divorced for 18 months, some of your ire should have subsided by now. I'm not suggesting that you should kiss up and be schmoozy with the X, but at some point you should reach the point where things he does don't bother you so much.

Sending you hugs and prayers for peace in your life!

I hear you. It's like just leave my family alone.... They all know how he is and the truth, so don't let it get you down. He's putting on a good show and putting the invitations out there. Most likely he's hoping that none of them show up LOL...

It's one day and then it will be over. You don't want to go either, so don't worry about the lack of an invite for you. He's history - your not.

I hope your family won't attend out of consideration for you, but be prepared that they might. Consider they may do it to support their granddaughter, so try not to take it personally.

My family attended ex's daughter's wedding a scant month after we separated. They were there to support the daughter and didn't give a rat's rear-end about the ex.

I agree with CGK--if you are still having difficulty processing this, it might be time to talk to a counselor. I spent a year and a half with mine during and after my divorce and it was time well spent.

Sending healing hugs.

i'm not hurt by this or think that he is doing it intentionally to hurt me. I just am confused that he thinks it has all blown over and things are back to normal EXCEPT I'm not in the picture. My family is still very hurt. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. That's what gets me. And neither do his family. My sister just reminded me of his sister emailing me during the process that "she was sick of seeing me hold him down and bash him until he had no opinion" WHAT? that is what he did to me in the end. Bash me Blame me. He told them all lies about our marriage. So I will continually be the bad guy in this. But its plain as day and I think he's trying to save face. But it has opened a wound that I forever see in the future...dealing with him and his new life and girlfriend and his family. I don't have to communicate of deal with it. But its there. And I just am trying to take the high road and be a good person. But there are future dealings I will have to contend with like the inevitable death of our family dog, or my grandmother who is 92 or other events with our children. I know i'm making it bigger than it will be by overthinking and I dont really think about it but it has crossed my mind. And when I do return home how will i deal with running into them. I am forever a nice person and would never be bolsterous enough to say how I really feel. I guess this just opened a can of worms for me.

Lisa Mari B has made a valid point of the difficulty it takes to ACCEPT the betrayer's lack of accountability. Yes, you may feel confused that "he thinks it has all blown over". He may very well be "acting like nothing happened". But make no mistake, your feelings are real. The trick is to own and trust your perceptions . And yes, take the high road. You already KNOW the betrayer [ and his family for that matter] may never sit their sorry ass down to acknowledge the pain .

This idea that you're " the bad guy in this" is valid if you perceive this statement of yourself as TRUE. Listen hon, people [ and his family] can call you all kind of names, it doesn't mean it's TRUE. It matters what you say about yourself,....no doubt. The bottom line, ACCEPTANCE is a recovery process and knowing when to kick the dust from your shoe.

I think you're on the right path because you're choosing not together hung up on the lack of an invitation. Rather, youre doing the inside work on coming to grips with how you really feel about the situation. On e you've worked that out, you can decide how you choose to respond. I like choosing the high road. If you know who you are, what other people say or do can't shake your inner strength.

I think members of your family may go for the sake of your daughter. But as others have said, they know 'who' your ex is and one short party won't change that. Lots of life is about appearances and doesn't reflect the truth.

Good on you.

Love and hugs
Kamary

LisaMarie, honey, people are going to think whatever they want to. You CAN'T CHANGE THEM. You can only change yourself and the way you react to this stuff.

True, your X may be trying to save face, but the reason he would be doing that is to attempt to assuage HIS GUILT. He knows he's a rat and he knows he didn't do right by you OR your daughter. That's HIS cross to bear.

The very best thing you can do is to just hold your head high and KNOW that you did the best you could with what you had to work with.

Time is a great healer and counseling/therapy can help. I urge you to be patient with yourself and get some help moving past this. Yes, it would certainly open up a can of worms, but sooner or later, you are going to have to overlook it. You don't have to be friendly or schmoozy with him, but you don't have to let this tie you in knots either.

Big hugs coming your way.

OMG - did you hit a sore spot. You reminded me of an unpleasant memory. My friends for over 35 years were given an anniversary party. My party ware was invited; I was not. I found out later it was because my now-ex and his girlfriend (the wife's sister) were there. I unfriended them and I've never regretted it. Two other couples knew as well and I left them in the dust.

I've found the way people choose sides very hurtful. Even old friends just disappeared out of my life. The only way to come to grips with that was to be grateful for those who turned out to be my true friends. I love every one of them.

Lisa, loyalty is an attribute I require in a friend. And family loyalty is a touchstone.

My family saw my ex almost destroy me. They had to pick up the pieces of me and like humpty dumpty, put me back together again. They would not in a million years validate him or his relationship with the woman he cheated with. In fact,they live in different towns and may hardly ever see him again. If they find themselves at a family event (one of my boys marriages for instance) down the road and he is there, i see no reason why he can not be avoided.

My heart goes out to you. But as mentioned, you can't control the actions of others. Just bear in mind that if some members of your family do attend,they are doing it for your DAUGHTER! I do think it's wrong of them though, especially if there are different opportunities to see her. Why doesn't someone in YOUR family plan a get together a few days later? Perhaps this would solve the dilemma that some of your folk are facing.

Anger can and should dissipate - otherwise it destroys. But forgiveness as its limits. Never forget.

So he text me today, "Lisa - You are invited to an open house on Oct 7 at 120 oveerlook from 1-6 for Ellen Becker - please feel free to stop. Its very low key." I don't want an invite I don't want to attend. The point was that he had the odasity to invite my family as if it was ok and that eveything was fine. My daughter talked to him and said Dad you invited her whole family. He said he thought about it but was afraid I'd cause a scene. And still he doesn't get it. My family has told me they have no intention of attending. They will all see her while she is home. How do I respond to that/! I mean I can say a million sarcastic things but that would be too easy. He thinks he's taking the high road by inviting me but its like bringing the lambs to the wolves.

The best way to respond is with silence. Absolute silence. Then there will be no words spoken between you. No chance of an argument. He will quickly get the point of your silence.