mb:
It seems like it's been a very long time since I've seen you around here! Off the cuff, perhaps if you had remained in closer contact with this group, you just might be farther along in your healing than you apparently are today. So straight off, I am going to ENCOURAGE YOU to BE HERE as much as you can because in the three years that I have been here, I have seen so many positive changes and watched many members move on in imporant and emotionally healthy ways it is an affirmation for me!

I always remind folks here that while we all do our best to lend support, comfort and advice, we are NO SUBSTITUTE for one-on-one PROFESSIONAL THERAPY! Your post is full of unresolved emotional and practical conflict it is pretty clear to me that getting yourself into therapy is an ABSOLUTE NECESSITY at this time.

Regardless of your current financial situation, THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE! Contact your local Health Department to get a list of mental health professionals in your area. A lot of good, qualified therapists will charge on a "sliding scale" basis so that you only pay what you can afford. Please do this -- not just for yourself, but FOR YOUR DAUGHTER! You MUST SET a HEALTHY EXAMPLE for her to follow! Divorce sucks and being on the receiving end of a BETRAYAL is about the worst blow a person can ever take. It took me a very long time to move beyond it, and while there will always remain some unfinished emotional business between me and my X, it no longer affects my day-to-day living. I have come to accept it and move beyond it.

I am glad to see that you have come back to us. Now, please stick around. Ask! Read! Take an active part in this group and I'm pretty sure you will start to feel some positive change coming to you! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

mb - Just want to let you know that You Are Not The One Who "LOST OUT". I know you dont feel it right now, just as I don't, but from the outside looking in, You have gained so much by being the person you are. Take a deep breath and see all the positive that you are giving you daughter. And know that there are always points that we stump our toes, but to keep moving in a better direction. You are! Hugs to you and re-read what Cowgirl has to say. We are here to bounce those feelings off of.

mbstone,

I'm all for what cowgirl said/ wrote. She said it all!
Stay here and still go out and get help. What I've seen here in the last two, three years (OMG That long already!) is that a lot of people here don't take advantage of all the State, US Government, local townships/ city, and Churches. Help. There's a lot of help out there financially, mentally, and even..... Home repairs. (You mentioned that so I wanted to bring it up. I think that most people are embarrassed to go get help... Don't be!!!! It's there for you and circumstances like yours. You’re entitled to it.... YOU are the government! IT'S YOUIRS TO BEGINE WITH! Go get it! It will help you at this time in your life. I've done all and I tried everything.... and it helped... Some help, I didn't get... some I did!
Ok... my dear....... Start to build your life.... for you and your child.... Forget what he has or is doing.... whatever it is..... You can do better ...and you will !!!!!!!
There is a light out there and someday you will see it again..... Takes time!!! (I'm still working on mine )

(Because I'm a believer) I must say...... God Bless.
Timeman

Seems to me what you lost was a fantasy life and gained an honest truthful life which you now have control of. I agree with Kathi, the message you are sending your D is an important one. That you don't have to put up with cheating. From being around here all these years I think infidelity is so rampant it most likely will touch the relationships of our own children and they will look to us for guidance. I predict in time your daughter will come to appreciate what you have done. As far as not knowing about home repairs, well that's a great reason to rent. You are a smart person, you can learn to do some things on your own. And teach those things to your daughter too, it will make her feel empowered to know she can fix a toilet, unclog a drain or change the filter on the A/C.

Thanks, Misred, Timeman and WT for lending creedence to the message I try to convey here on an almost daily basis!

You are feeling stuck and maybe overwhelmed along with resentful. Life is not fair and we all know that on some level. You are setting examples for your daughter about how life should be. That there are consequences to other people's lives that can affect you both.

As far as repairs. Get some home repair books and learn. Yes, the landlord will fix what breaks but there is bound to be things you need to fix that belong to you.

Kathi gave you some great advice and I hope you can find a counselor to help you along. I understand those down days when everything comes back and hits you in the face all at one time. I know you will work thru this and tomorrow will be a better day.

I hope you hang around with us and ask if you need advice. (((HUGS)))

I can recall having those feelings too--I was quite envious of my ex's new life: he had someone to come home to, had a new home, boat, etc. I would get angry thinking, "That home should have been mine. I was the one who sacrificed for years. Now the skank ho/now wife benefits."

But then I realized that these thoughts were dark and kept me down, so I stopped thinking about HIS life and started working to fix MY LIFE. Big difference!!

Now I could care less what he has or what he does now because I know he is living a fake life. I hear it from so many people--he has all the material stuff but the marriage is troubled, his relationships with his family and friends are strained, and he has to work a different job an hour from his home to make more money because the skank ho/now wife can't keep a job and refuses to work. All the things that count in life: friends, family, God, love, integrity--he's missing out on many of them.

I found the important thing was setting little baby step goals--that's what I did. I thought I'd never own a house either, but I set it as a goal and spent the last two years whittling down my divorce debt and paying things off. Tonight I put my trailer up for sale and will start house hunting.

Little steps. Set the goal and go for it. Living well is the best revenge.

Hugs!!!!!

I also agree. I was gone for a couple of months due to sickness but felt the need to come back for the much needed support. I still have my bad days but time has helped. Hurtinandhealin felt like I do now. Always thinking about him and thinking that should be me instead of her. But now I have to learn to focus on me and realize there is a reason for everything. HUGS

Listen to CowgirlKathi. She knows what she is talking about. I have been here a few weeks and with the encouragement I got from the members on this forum I found the courage and strength to talk to a attorney and to a military attorney. I know where I stand from a legal point of view thanks to everyone here.

I am an advocate of therapy. If you are religious you may want to seek out large churches in your area that offer professional counseling on a sliding scale. I found a divorce care group that meets at a local church near me. I wish the best for you.

Sorry you are in a funk right now. It is temporary. I won't last.

You've got to be glad you aren't with a guy that would cheat on you. Feel good about putting an end to that. What ever he has and does isn't your concern anymore. It doesn't mean that his life is better than yours.

You chose a better life. Don't doubt it.

Thank you so very much from the depths of my soul. CowgirlKathi, you are amazing and always have the right things to say to set me straight. I know in my heart that I need counseling to get through this mess. It just does not make sense to me that any man who had a truly good woman, would treat her like S***. I am far from perfect and I know I overcompensated with spending time with my kids due to him not stepping up to be a father. My kids are amazing and when you have a 19 year old son who tells me he loves me more than I know, speaks volumes! I will now focus on myself and build myself up to the person I need to be.

I actually am ignoring text I get from my EX this morning. He knows to leave me the hell alone but doesn't get it. He wanted me to even come to his house last night to talk. What? Hell NO! Ha

So today I get text with a little sayings such as:

One day you will wake up and realize how amazing he really was. And when that day comes.....He will be waking up next to the woman who already knew....


Big hugs to each of you who have so much wisdom to share....trust me I am staying here:) you are all so awesome!

Good luck to her is all I have to say!!!!

mbstone:
Keep in mind that I am NOT just telling you what you need to hear -- I am speaking from my heart and telling you THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH! And this is all from my own personal experience which was the toughest thing I have ever had to endure, but if I made it, YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN!

If this a$$hole is still contacting you, YOU NEED TO PUT A STOP TO IT. From the text you shared with us, it's pretty clear to me that he is trying to manipulate you in a very sick and self-serving way. BLOCK HIS NUMBER on your phone and BLOCK HIS TEXTS, TOO! If that doesn't work, you can CHANGE YOUR NUMBER or go to your attorney and have him/her send a simple CEASE AND DESIST letter to your X. If your divorce is final, he has NO RIGHT to harrass you and this could be construed by the law as STALKING! It's OVER and he needs to get with the program! NOW!

DO seek the help of a qualified professional to help you process this emotionally confusing time, my dear. And there are also a number of extremely helpful books available on the cheap. One of my favorites is called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliott. There is a list of books somewhere here on DS (you may have to dig deep into the older posts here on Divorce After 20+ Years to find it) but do it and READ, READ, READ. I still refer back to some of my books from time to time, primarily to help other folks here get through the muck and the mire. And remember -- it takes awhile to fully recover from divorce. Be GENTLE WITH YOURSELF and remember -- as MsTerey is fond of saying "Today is NOT Forever."

Many hugs to you this morning!

My dear mbstone, that text is confirmation that you must put on your shields to SHUT the little person DOWN. Yes, as suggested, prevent all incoming communications and block his little duchy behind. You've got to laugh and know this person is working on grandeur delusions. In truth, he's got the head sickness called cheater !

Yes that text sounds like he thinks he is so awesome and wonderful. As Buggs Bunny would say "What a maroon!"

Ya know..its been my experience that...if he wanted out and left you and your children to fend for yourselves and has gone off to live the carefree single life...give him what he wants. These guys have there heads so far up there own butt they cant see daylight. Until you give him what he wanted he will never see what he asked for. He left...stop being his wife, friend or acquaintance...end all contact with him. He no longer has your best interests at heart so you need to step up to the plate and be your own best friend. If you had a daughter and a boy friend was doing to her what your ex is doing to you...what would be your advise to her? Follow that same advise for yourself. I've always said to my ex...be carefull what you ask for...you may just get it. And he did. He wanted me out of his life...I was gone..no contact for 1 1/2 years. My son has moved in with me to go to school so now we do have a little contact but its strictly concerning him. It was really hard to do at first...we live just 4 blocks apart...but with each day..then week...then month...I got stronger...you will too. Hang in there mbstone... Big Hugs...Kathy