I loved drtexdi's 30 day challange. Start telling yourself every day that you are a wonderful person who deserves love, respect and kindness. It's been three years for me and I wonder if I will always struggle with making decisions. I seem to hear his voice telling me it is WRONG--but I'm learning to laugh at it. IF it's wrong, then I know I can figure out how to fix it--it's not the end of my life. Give yourself time. There is no instant fix. Be strong.

I think we all go through a period of huge self-doubt and second-guessing. I have always been pretty self-sufficient (I had to be since I pretty much ran this farm on my own even when the X still lived here) but I falter when it comes to making major decisions about finances -- when to spend.

But it does get easier with time. I am 6 years post Devastation Day and 4-1/2 years post Final Divorce. My healing continues. This is all such a blessing to me -- although at the time, I was a complete and total basket case and I make no bones about it.

Faith in yourself and faith in your God. That's what it takes to get through it, past it and THRIVING!

I understand exactly what you are talking about. Every decision I made was wrong according to him. He never gave me any credit EVER!!!! It's about finding the self confidence again in ourselves that we can do it. That we are capable very capable of making decisions every day. I remember the first time I got a flat tire or the bathroom sink was leaking. OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??? He always handled all these things right. But guess what I did it I got through it. I just had to keep telling myself T you can do this have faith in yourself. My stbx had to have all the attention all the time he would never let me shine or admit that I was just as smart as him. His ego was just to big I guess so by making me feel worse about myself made him feel better about himself I guess. That way he didn't have to admit that I was actually the smarter, responsible, better person than him. All these men that verbally abuse their wives in order to keep us under the belief that we can't do anything is all about control. That way we were just to scared to believe that we could make it on our own. So we stayed for some of us years longer than we needed to. I was married 23 years and didn't have a clue who I was or what I like, because everything was about him, our home, our family. You are not alone in feeling insecure about yourself. Alot of us struggle with this just believe in yourself YOU CAN DO IT.......
Disney......

I don't have a problem making decisions. But I don't always trust what I am told. I have to check things out to see if they are true. A little skepticism in this day and time might not be a bad thing. But if it sounds too good to be true I will check it out. Someone else's truth could be another's lie.Yes, I'm suspicious of what I'm told. I go by my father's golden rule." Only believe half of what you see and none of what you hear."

I think we all had trouble making that decision to divorce. It took me several years to finally say enough and file for my divorce. My H wasn't abusive. We seldom fought but he was just sneaky. He respected boundaries on the surface but found ways to go around them. HIs motto was "Rules are made to be broken" and that "rules didn't apply to him". He was always telling me how good I could handle things. He has a big ego too. I finally ended up doing most of the work while he hid out in his room with the tv and his beer. Once again manipulating to get what he wanted. Someone to take care of chores so he could come home and do nothing. He wouldn't even make a decision about what or where he wanted to eat. That way if it went wrong it could be my fault. LOl. So I have no trouble making any decisions. Perhaps I can thank him for that.

I'm almost 4 years post divorce and it does get better and easier. I know my instincts are right and my decisions are good and that no one is going to manipulate me for their own benefit and ego feed. Give it some time and you will be in a better place. You will be much more confident about what you can do.

(Hugs) - you'll get there - it's going to take time. Brainwashing is right! But you'll detach and retrain your brain. I'm trying to do that too. Everyone here is terrific.

You have to work to erase those negative messages in your head and replace them with positive ones. This takes time. It also takes some work, either through counseling (which I would advise you take advantage of--it really helps) or reading self-help books.

I also recommend you don't make any major decisions right now. I made a point of not selling my home and moving right after my separation and divorce. I knew my head was still a bit rattled and I didn't want to make a bad decision. Take your time, talk with people you trust.

I thought about divorcing my ex years before I actually did it. I left him after 33 years of marriage. He is a hypochondriac and narcissist as well as emotionally abusive. I'm moving on and loving it!

Lynne

It is a process. Think about all those things you've wanted to do or try but didn't because of the butt head in your life. Then sort through them and see what's possible. Did you always want to learn how to dance? Pottery? Maybe make jewelry. Then sign up for a class. Most communities have them through the school districts. Find out what you like and what you don't like. My EX hated curry. I cook with curry now and find that I like many dishes with curry in it. Join meetup.com. See what groups get together and do thinks you want to try or you already know you like doing. Make new friends that way. All those things will "tease out" the real you. It will take awhile, but you can do it. (((HUGS)))

In the first few months I felt terrible and wasn't sure I could trust myself. It is just a feeling. I can say for me that I was pretty shut down as far as feelings go. That's how I managed to stay in the marriage for 23 years. When I allowed myself to feel it was so foreign and unnerving. I felt sick to my stomach and didn;t sleep well.

I am thinking that what you are going through sounds normal for someone who is grieving the loss of a spouse, marriage, family and dreams. That is a lot. Allow it come and grieve.

1 year post separation and 8 months post divorce, I can say that I am not still feeling so sick or sleepless. I have had to make a lot of decisions and I have done well. Sometimes I would like to talk to someone else and just get a different perspective. But I don't need it. I am working on developing some better friendships so I can chat with someone when I want a second opinion.

It takes time, glad you are feeling it and not stuffing it.

Basing your identity on what your spouse think of you is going to hurt because they have become our source of identity. But "who am I "according to the abuser is very DISTORTED, can't be trusted, and must be debunked.

Learning to redefine one's identity becomes one's greatest feat after rejection. It's often said that their treatment of you, is NOT the reflection of YOU. In fact, it is a reflection of their own woundedness . ....IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM. Damaged people damage others and knowing that rises you above their ill definition and disapprovals. Getting approvals from abusers are like pulling teeth from a bobcat.

The journey of healing the "real" woman eventually is to debunk their damaged viewpoint. You come into control by being your own author to re-write your own identity. The trick is to search for approval from your inner core and confirmations.

Love Tobywinn's response excellent!

Tobywinn...that is soooo true...love your response. For me... it took awhile for me to start thinking that way. There were many times I would have to rethink something..look at it and wonder why did he hate this about me so much...especially when you are getting positive affirmations from other people. That old saying...when you are pointing a finger at someone just remember there are 3 pointing back at you. I never realized how true that saying was until I started to unravel what crap belonged to me and what belonged to him. Thats when the healing really started to take on a life of its own. Hang in there...better days are coming...Big Hugs...Kathy

I love all of these posts - "The Journey to the REAL you". That would make a good book title. I too am on that journey and feel stalled. I'm too tired to do anything. I don't want to go out. I feel like I've gotten stuck with social anxiety... Like people are looking at me funny because of stbx's tossing me away.

Although it is getting a bit better as time goes on I'll admit. The winter is coming and perhaps I will hibernate and then bloom in the spring! We will find ourselves - even happier and brighter than before!

When I first separated there was a song by Orianthi called according to you. Some of the lyrics:
According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.
According to you
I’m difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
can’t show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

According to you
I’m boring,
I’m moody,
you can’t take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I’m the girl with the worst attention span;
you’re the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

This song goes on to compare this thought to "According to him" who adores her. I still considered it my theme song even withouth the "According to Him" because I began to feel better and believe the "According to Him" side of it. Random people would tell me how much better I looked and seemed to be feeling! If you don't know the song, you can see it on YouTube.

OK, I can't leave it at that. If you don't know the song, you have to hear the second part of it. It reads:

But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you.