Gocubbies, it looks as though you're experiencing the ups and downs part of coping with divorce. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I'm sorry she gave up on you and your kids. I know what that feels like.

I have no idea what she's thinking. Somehow, some people just lose all sympathy, empathy and compassion for others. I decided to leave my ex because of behaviour very similar to that of your wife. I still don't understand but have come to realise that not everyone is blessed with compassion and/or the ability to commit, and the only thing I could do was accept it.

For me, it helped to accept that it is how it is, for whatever reason, and that I couldn't do anything about it. All I can do is be the best person I can be and be there for my kids myself, no matter what happened. It's been quite a journey and it's taken a long time, but it's 4 years since I moved out and I feel as though I have moved on and have it all together pretty well. So take heart. You're working your way through a very difficult transition.

It's important to cry it out so you don't bottle up your sadness. If you bottle it, it'll turn up again later on anyway in relationship problems with others, or as an illness. Better to let those tears flow :)

It also helps me to hand this sort of unanswerable problem over to God. I give it to Him and ask him to take care of it, then I get on with doing something else and try not to think about it.

sending prayers for you

love and hugs
kamary

Honey, you may never know why. In my case, if I asked him it wouldn't make any difference. It is what it is.

Please know that what you are feeling/doing is perfectly normal. Crying is part of the healing, so let the tears come.

Man do I remeber the emotional devestation from my first marriage. I seriously doubted myself and my abilities.
It stands to reason and because were human this is an honest response to tragedy. The why me phase is necessary so you can start to compartimentalize fact from fiction. You seem to be a strong man and a loving father. To beautiful character traits. Maybe a short holiday is in order, change the scenary for a few days or a week max. Do this on your own and really unload the tears. The change will do wonders for your feelings because it will be a neutral place, Your place in the Universe. Remember there is someone up above that truely loves you. God did not make trash, only people make trash. Be strong and remember, You have left a legacy that will live on once you have left this earth. A great deal of people never get the chance to have enjoyed a life you have lead. Peace be with you Dude.

GOcubbies - It's heartbreaking to hear how hurt you are .....I so understand your questions though , because I have the same questions for my husband. The feelings of abandonment, rejection, etc are so tough.... The advice I received that has helped me is to "stop asking why" because those answers lie within your spouse and quite frankly, there is little or nothing you can do about it. Better, understand how worthy your children and you are to receive the respect and love you deserve and not seek it from someone not willing to give it to you. My husband would rather help an acquaintance than help his beautifully souled daughter move into her first apartment, help his only son make his first move out of town, call his oldest daughter to talk with her about his decision to leave the family. Shallow, self absorbed and cowardly - why would I want to share my most precious gifts with him if he so doesn't appreciate them?...... It's a whole mindset of who your spouse really is and who you want them to be. In my case, I have faced reality - he is self serving, has poor judgement and has lost sight of what his priorities ought to be. Until you accept the changes your wife has made , it will rip you apart. See her for who she is, not who you want her to be or who she used to be and you will begin to move on. good luck and hug your kids . I hope this helps you in some tiny way.

You will probably never get the answers to your why's. I really dont think they even know. They are just unhappy and blame us for it. What they dont understand quite yet is...that unhappiness they feel will follow them everywhere they go. You can run away but you still have to take yourself with you. They dont understand that its something thats broken within them. A few may figure it out but most dont. They go from one thing to another searching for that elusive happiness in vain. Its quite sad. In the process...they leave a wake of destruction. You are feeling the repercussions of that wake.

You are at the beginning of this nightmare called divorce and what your feeling is normal and part of the healing process. To quote MsTerey...no one has died from getting divorced. You will be okay...it just takes time and focusing on you. We've all been where you are right now and there is no magic pill you can take to make it go away. The only way to the other side is to go straight through it and you are doing that. Know that we are here for you and will help in anyway we can. I had an army of supporters here to help me through my crap and that army has grown. Hang in there...better days are coming...Big Hugs...Kathy

Cubbies - Kathy is right. You'll never know and there will come a time when it doesn't really matter. They are unhappy and blame us for it. As she said, the unhappiness they feel will always be with them because they are searching on the outside - not on the inside.

You are a man of character and nothing is forever even though we wish it was. Divorce sucks and it's a rollercoaster ride. Feel the pain, cry, go punch a bag. Anything to help get these emotions out of you and trust in yourself. Above all - love yourself because you deserve it.

We are all here for you buddy.

Cubbies, The only way to deal with this pain is to go through it, head on. We all must feel the pain to heal , and it is not easy. I've lived by the saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and you will be stronger when you get to the end of this road. You will amaze yourself at what you can do and what you can accomplish when you need to. Believe in yourself and pray for strength and emotional healing. You will get through to the other side. Although the pain feels like it will kill you at times, we're all here to tell you that you will live through it, and be a stronger and wiser person for it.
Hugs and Prayers,
T.

The why's is a universal question which can be philosophical. Understanding why people do the things they do is complex. For me, the simplest answer has everything to do with the state of "selfishness". Fundamentally, that balance get screwed and off they go seeking for their own sake above ALL thing refusing to revere others. It's a sorry state. But know this, it is incompatible to the family and marriage unit and I believe you already know this.

You will eventually come to terms and acceptance that a person has to love you on their accord. You will learn of your courage and inner spirituality to allow yourself to "let them go". Just remember, God knows you did your best.

Consider joining Divorce-care classes from your local church group. They are non-denominationally based in Christian theory to basically support you with principles of healing while grieving through divorce .

I too can not understand it. Yet in the recent posts I find the ones who left speaking up and how they left a marriage that wasn't going anywhere. I'm confused. I go back n forth between the two those who were left by the ones that just fell out of love and just had to move on and the ones who were left and dealt with the devestation. I know everyone's circumstances are different but I find it hard to understand anyone on here. Not that anyone is lying just confused. The leaver claims justification the leavie is dealing with why they left of course moral circumstances such as adultery and abusive. This whole destruction of family unity and in-laws and kids. I don't get it.

And btw AmigaAz when you said " It's a whole mindset of who your spouse really is and who you want them to be. In my case, I have faced reality - he is self serving, has poor judgement and has lost sight of what his priorities ought to be. Until you accept the changes your wife has made , it will rip you apart. See her for who she is, not who you want her to be or who she used to be and you will begin to move on" that really hit home for me. Everytime I release my story I see who he really is. A very sad man that lost God.

So sorry for your loss cubbies- that is what you are doing- mourning. It is terrible emotional turmoil to go through- it will get better. My counsellor said to me that sometimes- no answer is the only answer I will get. What happened to my family never made sense to me either. I had to be strong and make choices because the living hell was too chaotic. I am still living with a lack of understanding why people do the things they do. I can only pray and live in the moment.
Hugs and hoping you feel better soon.

Hi Cubbies,
BTW- I was born and raised in Chicago with the Cubs and DAAA Bears. … OUR DAY WILL COME …..LOL.
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Your question as to WHY……… I don’t know. Same thing happened to me after 38 years.
All that I can say is……….. They snap….. They want more in there life,,,,,, They met some else and think things will be better.(After a while , it will be the same. ) , They reach an age that they’re getting older…. Wrinkles, gray hair etc. and go into shock.
They can’t deal with that ,soooooooooooo, They try to change their life.
When this “snap” happens they loose all feelings , reason and values. They can’t be truthful with us ……………or themselves so they will tell you anything that will justify what they are doing.
Cubbies…………. Look at it this way….. Your wife (x) looks the same ….., the her brain changed… Same body ,but different person That’s the way that I look at it….. Doesn’t matter which way you look at it….. Or all the whys ………. IT STILL HURTS… I know very well my friend // I’ve cried over and over and still do sometimes ………..after five years ! It’s ok…. I’m human….. You’re human. The only thing that I can tell you is a therapist helps…….. Church helps….. Try to keep busy…. Stay close to the kids , family and friends. THEY LOVE YOU .
Hot showers…………. A good walk……….
Don’t be afraid to write what you feel here on D&S. ……….and go ahead and cry….. It’ ok….. You have a right to….
(FOR ME) I know that it’s up to God ..not me anymore .I did all that I could….

So hang in there…………..
PS. Save some tears for the Cubs next game !!! LOL, LOL Bob

OOOOPPPS,
Forgot to tell you that I got married again .
A great woman...... I'm trying to get me life back again.
It's not easty at times because of the past and divorce.
BUT , I'm trying....
Just wanted to tell you that too.
Take care
Bob.... Timemann

God.... hurting sucks. I lost all my heart. Will never be the sqme.

Nope - you'll be better! You just can't see the forest for the trees right now. (((Hugs)))