Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
We are divorcing and as the process goes on, I am having all sorts of terrible emotions. I feel so scared, so alone and lost. It is amicable and we will part as friends. I know how over so many years, my husband hurt me emotionally. There was never any name calling but an aggressive anger and temper. I have been wanting to get a divorce since 13 years ago and never had the courage or strength. Now, over the recent years and some soul searching and a want to be happy, I now have an attorney, families have been told and friends are getting to know of our impending break.
Why do I feel the way I do? We have been married for 17 years and known each other for 24 years. Even though there has been so much strife, we have gotten used to each other, we know each others habits, strengths and weaknesses. I have a counselor now and I have been friends online now for 3 years with a woman that runs divorce care at her church and she has been divorced as well. She has been a great source of strength.
A handy man is getting our house in order so we can put it on the market for sale. I have been going through my belongings and trying to determine what is worth taking up space in a 10 by 10 storage unit. I have to condense from a big house of 18 years.
I am scared. Will I be able to manage financially? Will I ever feel loved? Will I ever feel the touch from another man. Will I ever feel confident within another relationship if one ever happens?
I have just turned 50 and 12 days into the new age, I started having hot flashes. I am getting older, I feel like a failure because at my age, I should have had children and then grandchildren. We had only 8 years left on the mortgage and soon retirement would be near. There is no regular order in my life like most other people have. I will never have the luxury of retiring to a relaxed community of my peers. Not that it is any big deal as we have always struggled with our finances.
I just recently lost 123 pounds. In the process of getting the divorce under way and losing the weight, another person came into my life and he was so good to me on an emotional and romantic level. It took place through our face book and 3 months later we started to spend time together. It was an old class mate that I never really knew in my school days. He too had just 3 years prior gotten a divorce from a relationship of 17 years. He made me happy, he gave me hope of a future together and his devotion. Then, after knowing each other for a total of 5 1/2 months, he just turned on me and said his conscience was getting to him because I was still married and he pushed me away. We had previously talked abut rebound relationships and we both feared that. It was hurtful the way he did t as it was not face to face. He then blocked me from his f. book page. I then sent him a message by text and he said to leave him alone and called me a stalker. have looked back at our conversations on line and see that I had been trying to talk to him too much but t hurt that he had to call me a stalker to stop me dead in my tracks. He had originally said that we could still be friends. I had been putting together a birthday gift for him before he ever called it quits and we had started to set up a lunch get together so he could receive it. Then, he blocked me, I sent a text to verify the lunch and that is when I was called a stalker. I want to believe that he did t on purpose and that he still cares about me. That he is doing al this so I go through the hole divorce and grieving process. I want to believe that he will cross my path again in the future when I am settled in my life. I still have to have the reality of knowing that it may never happen. I just never got any closure.
I want to say that losing him was worse than the want to divorce my husband. So, I get confused not knowing if my despair and fear and anxiety is due to me maybe holding on to this other person like a life raft or if I really truly loved him. Am I having these feelings because of fear of the change caused by divorce? Was I looking to this other person to kind of shelter me from the hurt of the divorce only to become more stable down the road and decide that the other person was not what I wanted?
I am really confused, hurt, scared, lonely and so unsure of myself and my future. I am lost.
Why do I feel the way I do? We have been married for 17 years and known each other for 24 years. Even though there has been so much strife, we have gotten used to each other, we know each others habits, strengths and weaknesses. I have a counselor now and I have been friends online now for 3 years with a woman that runs divorce care at her church and she has been divorced as well. She has been a great source of strength.
A handy man is getting our house in order so we can put it on the market for sale. I have been going through my belongings and trying to determine what is worth taking up space in a 10 by 10 storage unit. I have to condense from a big house of 18 years.
I am scared. Will I be able to manage financially? Will I ever feel loved? Will I ever feel the touch from another man. Will I ever feel confident within another relationship if one ever happens?
I have just turned 50 and 12 days into the new age, I started having hot flashes. I am getting older, I feel like a failure because at my age, I should have had children and then grandchildren. We had only 8 years left on the mortgage and soon retirement would be near. There is no regular order in my life like most other people have. I will never have the luxury of retiring to a relaxed community of my peers. Not that it is any big deal as we have always struggled with our finances.
I just recently lost 123 pounds. In the process of getting the divorce under way and losing the weight, another person came into my life and he was so good to me on an emotional and romantic level. It took place through our face book and 3 months later we started to spend time together. It was an old class mate that I never really knew in my school days. He too had just 3 years prior gotten a divorce from a relationship of 17 years. He made me happy, he gave me hope of a future together and his devotion. Then, after knowing each other for a total of 5 1/2 months, he just turned on me and said his conscience was getting to him because I was still married and he pushed me away. We had previously talked abut rebound relationships and we both feared that. It was hurtful the way he did t as it was not face to face. He then blocked me from his f. book page. I then sent him a message by text and he said to leave him alone and called me a stalker. have looked back at our conversations on line and see that I had been trying to talk to him too much but t hurt that he had to call me a stalker to stop me dead in my tracks. He had originally said that we could still be friends. I had been putting together a birthday gift for him before he ever called it quits and we had started to set up a lunch get together so he could receive it. Then, he blocked me, I sent a text to verify the lunch and that is when I was called a stalker. I want to believe that he did t on purpose and that he still cares about me. That he is doing al this so I go through the hole divorce and grieving process. I want to believe that he will cross my path again in the future when I am settled in my life. I still have to have the reality of knowing that it may never happen. I just never got any closure.
I want to say that losing him was worse than the want to divorce my husband. So, I get confused not knowing if my despair and fear and anxiety is due to me maybe holding on to this other person like a life raft or if I really truly loved him. Am I having these feelings because of fear of the change caused by divorce? Was I looking to this other person to kind of shelter me from the hurt of the divorce only to become more stable down the road and decide that the other person was not what I wanted?
I am really confused, hurt, scared, lonely and so unsure of myself and my future. I am lost.
I agree, you're absolutely correct about your insights. It's time to get your confidence back on track. After all, you've gotten a double dose of life's disappointments.
What concerns me, is displacing the love burden on you and not onto your suitor! Wanting to "believe" might be the root problem rather than basing reality on his performances. Unfortunately, he failed during his probation period [ 5 months is short ] manifesting his unwillingness to preserve the relationship for whatever reason.
Yes, it's a different way of thinking about yourself . Maybe you've forgotten the execution power of your veto and the process of evaluation. Take this experience and learn to open the door allowing unsuitable suitors to leave.
I recommend you to get connected to your local women's group to help mentor you.
Everything you are feeling and thinking is normal in this process. Many of us have thought that maybe it's just better to tough out a bad marriage than to go it alone. We've also worried about finances, meeting another person, etc. All normal thoughts.
First, although you are hurt by your friend, I think you are better off waiting to date until your divorce is final. You need time to heal.
Second, knowledge is power so learn about divorce laws in your state so you can get the best settlement possible. While you may be friendly with your stbx, that can change in a heartbeat where money is concerned. Have a realistic goal for what you need financially and work with your attorney to get it.
Tobywinn gave you excellent advice. Finding a support group is important-and no, the only way they can turn you into a tough, bitchy man-basher is if you want to be one. Be true to yourself and if that is not your style, then say so. Everyone divorces differently.
Sending healing hugs!!!
Huge congratulations on your weight loss. I know how much effort and hard work that took.
love and hugs
kamary
Check out your church in your area on the web. Most larger non-denominational institutions will have a Women Ministry Group and or Divorce Care. I had attended two sessions consecutively while I was in my emotional mess from divorce!
Bottom line...I have no regrets about that relationship. It was a very healing relationship in many ways. However...I thank my lucky stars that he and I were able to look at our relationship honestly and make changes for our greater good. Had we not been honest we very well may have moved in together or even gotten married...we talked about it often...only to learn what we learned and had to go through another emotional, financial, family dividing divorce. We saved ourselves a lot of grief.
I think getting involved in a new relationship shortly after a long term marriage can be healing..but...I dont think you can go into it for the long term until you have healed your heart and learned to stand on your own to feet. Whether you are the leaver or the left behind...the emotional trauma is still there and needs to be worked through. A good relationship happens when two whole and balanced people enter into it. Like attracts like...Big Hugs...Kathy