Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
We are divorcing and as the process goes on, I am having all sorts of terrible emotions. I feel so scared, so alone and lost. It is amicable and we will part as friends. I know how over so many years, my husband hurt me emotionally. There was never any name calling but an aggressive anger and temper. I have been wanting to get a divorce since 13 years ago and never had the courage or strength. Now, over the recent years and some soul searching and a want to be happy, I now have an attorney, families have been told and friends are getting to know of our impending break.
Why do I feel the way I do? We have been married for 17 years and known each other for 24 years. Even though there has been so much strife, we have gotten used to each other, we know each others habits, strengths and weaknesses. I have a counselor now and I have been friends online now for 3 years with a woman that runs divorce care at her church and she has been divorced as well. She has been a great source of strength.
A handy man is getting our house in order so we can put it on the market for sale. I have been going through my belongings and trying to determine what is worth taking up space in a 10 by 10 storage unit. I have to condense from a big house of 18 years.
I am scared. Will I be able to manage financially? Will I ever feel loved? Will I ever feel the touch from another man. Will I ever feel confident within another relationship if one ever happens?
I have just turned 50 and 12 days into the new age, I started having hot flashes. I am getting older, I feel like a failure because at my age, I should have had children and then grandchildren. We had only 8 years left on the mortgage and soon retirement would be near. There is no regular order in my life like most other people have. I will never have the luxury of retiring to a relaxed community of my peers. Not that it is any big deal as we have always struggled with our finances.
I just recently lost 123 pounds. In the process of getting the divorce under way and losing the weight, another person came into my life and he was so good to me on an emotional and romantic level. It took place through our face book and 3 months later we started to spend time together. It was an old class mate that I never really knew in my school days. He too had just 3 years prior gotten a divorce from a relationship of 17 years. He made me happy, he gave me hope of a future together and his devotion. Then, after knowing each other for a total of 5 1/2 months, he just turned on me and said his conscience was getting to him because I was still married and he pushed me away. We had previously talked abut rebound relationships and we both feared that. It was hurtful the way he did t as it was not face to face. He then blocked me from his f. book page. I then sent him a message by text and he said to leave him alone and called me a stalker. have looked back at our conversations on line and see that I had been trying to talk to him too much but t hurt that he had to call me a stalker to stop me dead in my tracks. He had originally said that we could still be friends. I had been putting together a birthday gift for him before he ever called it quits and we had started to set up a lunch get together so he could receive it. Then, he blocked me, I sent a text to verify the lunch and that is when I was called a stalker. I want to believe that he did t on purpose and that he still cares about me. That he is doing al this so I go through the hole divorce and grieving process. I want to believe that he will cross my path again in the future when I am settled in my life. I still have to have the reality of knowing that it may never happen. I just never got any closure.
I want to say that losing him was worse than the want to divorce my husband. So, I get confused not knowing if my despair and fear and anxiety is due to me maybe holding on to this other person like a life raft or if I really truly loved him. Am I having these feelings because of fear of the change caused by divorce? Was I looking to this other person to kind of shelter me from the hurt of the divorce only to become more stable down the road and decide that the other person was not what I wanted?
I am really confused, hurt, scared, lonely and so unsure of myself and my future. I am lost.
Why do I feel the way I do? We have been married for 17 years and known each other for 24 years. Even though there has been so much strife, we have gotten used to each other, we know each others habits, strengths and weaknesses. I have a counselor now and I have been friends online now for 3 years with a woman that runs divorce care at her church and she has been divorced as well. She has been a great source of strength.
A handy man is getting our house in order so we can put it on the market for sale. I have been going through my belongings and trying to determine what is worth taking up space in a 10 by 10 storage unit. I have to condense from a big house of 18 years.
I am scared. Will I be able to manage financially? Will I ever feel loved? Will I ever feel the touch from another man. Will I ever feel confident within another relationship if one ever happens?
I have just turned 50 and 12 days into the new age, I started having hot flashes. I am getting older, I feel like a failure because at my age, I should have had children and then grandchildren. We had only 8 years left on the mortgage and soon retirement would be near. There is no regular order in my life like most other people have. I will never have the luxury of retiring to a relaxed community of my peers. Not that it is any big deal as we have always struggled with our finances.
I just recently lost 123 pounds. In the process of getting the divorce under way and losing the weight, another person came into my life and he was so good to me on an emotional and romantic level. It took place through our face book and 3 months later we started to spend time together. It was an old class mate that I never really knew in my school days. He too had just 3 years prior gotten a divorce from a relationship of 17 years. He made me happy, he gave me hope of a future together and his devotion. Then, after knowing each other for a total of 5 1/2 months, he just turned on me and said his conscience was getting to him because I was still married and he pushed me away. We had previously talked abut rebound relationships and we both feared that. It was hurtful the way he did t as it was not face to face. He then blocked me from his f. book page. I then sent him a message by text and he said to leave him alone and called me a stalker. have looked back at our conversations on line and see that I had been trying to talk to him too much but t hurt that he had to call me a stalker to stop me dead in my tracks. He had originally said that we could still be friends. I had been putting together a birthday gift for him before he ever called it quits and we had started to set up a lunch get together so he could receive it. Then, he blocked me, I sent a text to verify the lunch and that is when I was called a stalker. I want to believe that he did t on purpose and that he still cares about me. That he is doing al this so I go through the hole divorce and grieving process. I want to believe that he will cross my path again in the future when I am settled in my life. I still have to have the reality of knowing that it may never happen. I just never got any closure.
I want to say that losing him was worse than the want to divorce my husband. So, I get confused not knowing if my despair and fear and anxiety is due to me maybe holding on to this other person like a life raft or if I really truly loved him. Am I having these feelings because of fear of the change caused by divorce? Was I looking to this other person to kind of shelter me from the hurt of the divorce only to become more stable down the road and decide that the other person was not what I wanted?
I am really confused, hurt, scared, lonely and so unsure of myself and my future. I am lost.
I understand what you mean about not having closure and not knowing why your relationship ended. My marriage of 34 years was ended with a phone call from my husband who just screamed and said he wants out because he has not been happy for a long time and he does not love me but has loving feelings toward me but I cut him off due to the shock. I wish there was a way to find out the answers we want but if they won't have anything to do with us then we will probably never know. And I do not initiate any kind of contact with him - I don't want to give him the satisfaction that I care so much to know why he ended this marriage when he obviously played a good role for years acting like all was fine and that we would be together forever. Try to forget about the reasons because it will consume you - it has been my obsession for months now after the initial shock abated. I would kill to know details but I know that won't happen so I am feeling worse now than even a few months ago because of this obsession to know. I hope that we eventually get some peace and move on to a better life. It is hard and know that most of us on DS understand and will give their advice and support to you anytime.
Hugs and love,
Donna